Closed For April Fools Day

Due to a whole mess of fake news being bandied about today, I'm taking the day off from blogging lest someone try to slip some legitimate news in amongst all the silly stuff.

See you tomorrow.

What a difference five years makes!

So I went back to the Comics Nexus archives, thinking I should post the links to some of my past April Fools Day columns, in lieu of reviews since I can't get my comics until Saturday.

Remember the days when Frank Miller being involved in making a movie WASN'T a scary idea?

Hilarious In Hindsight, I think is the phrase the TVTropers use.

*sighs* Sometimes, I think I'm TOO good at this prank thing...

Just so we're clear, the rumors of my retirement were greatly exaggerated. The announcement last Thursday regarding my retirement was an April Fool's Day prank.

I guess I should be thankful that five days after April Fool's Day and after altering the original posting to say "It Was All A Joke", I'm STILL getting e-mail from people begging me to come back or wishing me well in retirement. :)

Thank you all for your support and your kind words.

Retirement (Check The Date)

Doubtlessly Judd Winick and Scot Kurtz will be glad to hear this news. I hope the rest of you won't be.

I quit.

Blackest Night #8 was so lackluster and Cry For Justice/Fall of Green Arrow so sub-par that I've lost what little love I have left for DC Comics. And since it is rather hard to do a comics review blog when you don't read anything else except Conan and Knights of the Dinner Table... well, it's difficult.

So I'm closing down Looking To The Stars, effective immediately.

So long and thanks for all the fish, folks.

UPDATE: For those of you outside the USA, http://www.infoplease.com/spot/aprilfools1.html

Looking To The Stars: Get Over Yourselves!

As I’m sure you all know, Looking To The Stars usually runs on Mondays. But there’s a bit of news that demands to be addressed immediately and I couldn’t wait until the weekend was over to get this said.

Perhaps there are some of you who haven’t read DC Countdown To Infinite Crisis yet. If so, skip past the next bar, as this first set of comments is aimed squarely at some of the people I have heard complaining on the message boards and in my comic shop.

Really, people! You think the world is coming to an end because they’re trying to do a dark, mature story in the DC Universe? That the death of Blue Beetle and Booster Gold turning serious are the signs that the party is over and that silly, fun stories are the thing of the past? Well, I’ve got news for you; you’re right! And I for one couldn’t be happier.

I’ll tell you something right now. The genre has progressed past the point where we can do stories about superheroes buying an island casino or corrupt millionaires running a superhero team in any way other than as total despots. We’re more mature than that now and we don’t need a bunch of slapstick humor and cheap gags making us look any more foolish to the Hollywood professionals that are now looking to turn our hobby into fine quality entertainment for the masses.

Lose the comedy, publishers! We don’t need it. And I’ll go on record as saying that the best thing DC has done in recent memory is kicking those moldy old fossils that used to write Justice League to the curb. Good luck writing your funny books for the independent set, you has-beens! You won’t be missed.

---

Finally, I’d like to address this idea that we should have the people who make the comics actually have a hand in making the film adaptations of those same comics.

On what planet do you mouth-breathing fan-boys come from that you think this is honestly a good idea? Good lord! The people in the movie business are professionals who work in a media that is more concerned with high-quality stories than the comic book industry, which is almost completely dominated by flashy images and cheap gimmicks, all for the sake of the Almighty Dollar. Movies are far too important to be made exclusively by writers. It takes hundreds of professionals to bring a film to the screen and slavish devotion to the ideals of one artistic vision go against the very grain of everything that films are supposed to be.

Of course I may be alone in this. Lord knows most of the fandom community seems to be eagerly anticipating this new Sin City movie because Frank Miller had a hand in the directing and the script. Am I the only one nervous about this precedent? What if some other DGA (Director’s Guild of America) drop-out decides that he can’t make a film version of “Watchmen” without Alan Moore’s help? Can you imagine what kind of farce that will be?!?!

Looking at the footage released so far, it is obvious that Miller has set about turning what might be a brilliant piece of work into an eye-candy extravaganza with very little substance. Typical of an artist turned writer, or indeed all comic book writers. After all, if they were any good they’d be writing movies instead of working in comics. Not that I have any less love for my comic-writing brethren in the writing community. But come on- if you were able to get screenplays published, you’d be out in Hollywood faster than you can scarf down a meatball sub after an hour without a snack.

Sin City opens today. I’ll have a review ready for you next time. We can only hope that Frank Miller didn’t screw things up too badly.

Tune in next week. Same Matt time. Same Matt website.

411 Comics News Flash!

Accurate Internet Comics News Website Heralds End Times, Say Scholars

NEW YORK – People everywhere were indirectly shocked early this week, when little-known comics fandom magazine 411mania.com released an accurate report upon the cancellation of comic book “The Power Company”. People were even more shocked yesterday, however, when it became clear that this report was the sign that would break open the Seventh Seal and usher in the end times. A team of cabalistic scholars announced this conclusion yesterday, at a small press conference in New York City.

“It isn’t like we didn’t see it coming,” said Rev. Jermiah Finch of the First Baptist Church of Manhattan. “Look at the news and the constant warfare, strife between usually peaceful religious orders and everything else occurring in the world today. It is obvious that Armageddon is upon us. But nobody in the religious community was expecting this to be the final straw!”

After an intense study of various writings, including the Revelation of Saint John, the writings of Nostradamus and a dog-eared and stained copy of Wizard #114, this team of scholars determined that the final incident to herald the End of the World would be an Internet-based news magazine releasing an accurate news story.

“Its just a sign that the world is going crazy,” said Father Joe Chapa of the Gotham Diocese. “Internet news, especially that for comic news sites, is never completely true if not totally inaccurate or even totally lacking any basis in reality. This is a solid fact and 411Comics publishing such a story is as opposed to the fundamental nature of reality, as sure as the sky is not red as blood and the seas do not boil.”

411 Comics Editor Ben Morse was unavailable for comment as to how this might affect the publishing of the magazine, as he was, according to one source “hiding under his blankie and sucking his thumb.”

“Planetary’s” Next Issue To Print Before “Rising Stars”, Swears Ellis

“Bloody geezers won’t know what hit them,” states tired British hack.

Rabid Fanboy Captured in Kevin Smith Hostage Case

RED BANK – Police in Red Bank, New Jersey were able to prevent tragedy yesterday, as a belligerent fanboy was removed from the stately manor of comic writer and film director Kevin Smith, after a five hour stand-off.

The fanboy was identified as 23 year-old Damon Swindall of Lewisville, Texas. Swindall, a technical support rep and part-time exotic dancer apparently journeyed over 2000 miles in order to force Smith, at gunpoint, to finish writing the final issues of the “Daredevil: The Target” mini-series, which was three months late at last count.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Swindall said in a statement through his lawyer. “The first Daredevil book took forever to come out. And then Green Arrow gave me some hope he could stick to a schedule, even though he missed a few issues, but they were all so good and worth waiting for! But then Spider-Man/Black Cat wound up six months late and then… I don’t know. I had to do something!”

Swindall is currently being held on charges of breaking and entering, stalking, harassment, assault and failure to stalk an attractive celebrity. He is expected to plead insanity. Despite this, many members of the fandom community have come out in support of Swindall, despite his expressions of sorrow for his actions.

“We need more fans with Damon’s dedication,” said Bruce Elliot, president of Comic Readers Against Belated Stories. “If we had more people like him, we might yet see another Astro City series in our lifetime!”

IPECAC Imprint to Follow Marvel Comics’ EPIC Imprint

On Friday, Marvel held its press conference that both officially announced its Ipecac imprint, and gave the lowdown on the rollout, starting with Bill Jemas’ MARVILLE TOO, shipping in June 31st.

Ipecac, like Epic, according to Marvel President Bill Jemas, will be assembled be made by creative teams that will be responsible for their own editing, digital composting, lettering, and everything else. Unlike Epic, which will be devoted to bringing back beloved Marvel characters and publishing certain creator-owned concepts, Ipecac will be devoted to publishing the stories that only a select few want to see continued.Bill Jemas, Joe Quesada and Mike Doran were present at the conference. Jemas stated that his feeling that Marvel could use an Ipecac brand came from his experiences writing MARVILLE a series which he admitted did not sell well or garner any critical or fan support, but which he really really wanted to see published . “This will allow us to continue attracting new readers with exciting new artists and writers who don’t adhere to thirty plus years of continuity, while still appealing to the dozens of people who really want a book centering around Bishop or Nova,” says Jeams. “Its an important market which has been long neglected and we feel that it should be pandered to.”

Quesada commented that Epic enables Marvel to produce concepts that in the past they may have seen as interesting concepts, but would not have been supported in a manner that would have been economically feasible for Marvel as a whole. "It's our imprint where we get to take the ideas that a few people found popular but which the majority of fandom society hated and shove them down your throats. Metaphorically, of course.”

Quesada declined to comment upon the first series of Ipecac titles past MARVILLE TOO, but he did deny that Rob Liefield is returning to Marvel to head up the line with a new Cable #1.

“Looking To The Stars” Writer Matt Morrison Missing

Scott Kurtz, Mark Millar and Judd Winnick wanted for questioning.

Former Fanzing Editor Dies In Possible Viagra-Related Incident

Devotees of DC Comics fan-fiction and artwork were saddened today to learn of the death of Michael “Hutch” Hutchinson.

Hutchinson, 32, was renowned as the world’s biggest Elongated Man fan and perhaps te world’s only Elongated Man fan. He was also beloved in his position as the editor of the once popular and now defunct fanzine Fanzing. He is survived by his loving widow.

Though an autopsy has yet to be performed as of this writing, authorities believe, based on evidence in the garage laboratory where his body was found, that Hutchinson died of an accidental overdose of the popular erectile-dysfunction fighting drug Viagra.

“I wish I could say I’m shocked,” said David Black, friend and assistant editor to Hutchinson. “Michael had a deep love of superheroes, especially his favorite, Ralph Dibny. He had talked about finding a way to give himself stretching powers for real but I always thought he was just kidding.”

Ralph Dibny, aka The Elongated Man, gained his powers from an elixir made from the fruit of the gingo plant. This elixir gave those with the proper genetic aptitude the ability to stretch their bodies to great lengths. Authorities theorize that lacking gingo, which is entire fictional, he substituted the first thing that came to mind when he tried to find a substance that caused extensive lengthening of the body.

“I blame the e-mail,” says a tearful Mrs. Hutchinson. “All those offers for cheap, herbal growth aids he kept getting. They just kept teasing him with that boyhood dream and he just lost it. I tried to reason with him, saying he was man enough already… but he would just say “Later, Sue! I smell a mystery!” and lock himself in the garage.”

An open-casket memorial service will be held next Tuesday, 3 pm, at Great Lakes Comics. Donations in Michael’s name are being taken at the St. Paul’s Center For Homeless Carnie Folk. ( www.monitorduty.com )

Overjoyed Peter David Declares Victory

“Not every title I wrote was canceled this month!” cheers scribe of Captain Marvel, former writer of Supergirl and Young Justice.

Offspring Sued By DC Comics Over Song

Claim they own all rights to the title “Original Prankster”.

Lawsuits To Be Filed Against 411Comics

So says The Amazing Kreskin, Jonathan Edwards and Criswell.

Stay Tuned To This Website For More News As Events Warrant.

The Mount - It's (Dennis) Miller Time

(EDITORS NOTE: This month's "The Mount" is being written by Dennis Miller; former A-list comedian, former anchor for Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update", former talk-show host and now former Monday Night Football color commentary man. Matt "Stars" Morrison generously agreed to give up his regular space this month, in order that he might give something back to an idol of his, whom has seen better days.)

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but what's up with the state of comics these days? Back when I was a whisper-thin lad of ten summers, there wasn't a short-pant bedecked one who didn't thrill to take a trip down to the drugstore to see the latest adventures stacked on the bottom shelf of the newsstand... no, wait... That wasn't my childhood. I grew up in the Pittsburgh ghetto. Must have gotten possessed by Andy Rooney again.

The point is that once upon a time comics could once be justifiably called kiddie books. And now look at them; ultra-violence to make Alex and all of his droogs nauseous; weaker characterization than your average Michael Bay flick and female anatomy so grossly out of proportion to make Jenna Jameson look like Peppermint Patty.

Of course comics is not alone in this growing up. Video games, for example, have progressed from two paddles beating a ball back and forth to the point where one can actually count the number of blood droplets splattered across the tree as you unleash a torrent of gunfire into the back of a doe's head. And that's just in the new Bambi game out from DisneySoft!

Thankfully, the once great national institution of comicdom has managed to hover under the "What's Wrong With Today's Youth" radar. Why do we need Lady Death when we can blame all our sociopathic youth plagues on Quake and Marilyn Manson? Who, it might be noted, is slowly starting to look more and more like Lady Death as the years go on

As far as menaces to society go, Comics are on the dung heap along with Dungeons and Dragons, The Russians and Tiffany. They've all become yesterday's news, the passé Great Tool of Satan- deader than Al Gore trying to slow dance to a Morrisey song as interpreted by Robert Glass, played by a slow jazz trio made up of Cecil the Turtle, Leonardo and Fastback.

Hah! See? Got an actual comics' reference in there, cha-cha.

Of course many efforts have been made to pull comics out of the realms of Tarturus. Marvel alone is making some impressive strides in cross-promoting their stuff to the masses and making some quick cash off of Hollywood. It was easy enough once they found writers, who captured the essence of a book, directors with the artistic vision to bring about that essence, actors who fit the uniqueness of each of their beloved characters and quit hiring Roger Corman to produce their movies.

Now, far be it for me to pronounce myself qualified to judge anyone's performance in Hollywood. After all, I am the guy who distinguished himself as being more unhuggable than Boomer Esiason and who's most distinguished thespiatic effort to date was playing Sandra Bullock's gay best friend in "The Net". But I think everyone here will agree with me when I say that whoever is in charge of developing DC Comics properties needs to be locked in a small room with Richard Simmons for a few hours. Then we need to let them out and force them to watch the complete works of Kenneth Brannagh, until they beg to be locked in the room with Richard again.

Cruel and unusual punishment, my ass. Can we allow unusual punishment? I have a whole list of ideas for that.

In all seriousness though, I've heard there's an executive at Warner Bros., who had the bright idea to turn Adam Strange into "the next Harry Potter". This is a screw-up on par with the day Casca said to Brutus, "You know, I think people will be much happier without a tyrant. "

For those of you who somehow wound up reading this here without knowing thing one about comics, Adam Strange is a Man of Earth from the days of pulp comics. Yeah, the days when you could say "Man of Earth" and not get laughs like I used to during my first season on HBO. Adam gets zapped by this ray that causes him to flit back and forth between Earth and the planet Rann. Oddly enough, this ray was not designed by the Defense Department, but by Sardath; a scientist looking for specimens to breed with the sterile population of his planet. Adam winds up falling in love with Sardath's daughter, becoming a hero who saves the world a few thousand times and keeps running about on an endless quest, hoping that his next leap will be the leap home. Wait, that's Samuel Beckett. Oh, but why quibble when we're nearing the endgame?

That's okay... groan. Groan all three of you English majors who got that.

Sounds like a good story, doesn't it? For the women, you have romance; a guy who literally crosses the galaxy to find true love. Now there's a unique and epic love story to sink that little Leonardo DeCaprio/Kate Winslet vehicle. For the men, you have all the two-fisted manly action, explosions and cool space crap that you could get from a week of watching Lorne Greene and Maren Jensen. You've even got some gratuitous violence and sexual elements that can push it up to a PG-13 so the kids will want to see it.

And now we have this idiot ne savant who thinks the best way to bring this 40-year-old epic of romance, action and creepy fathers who want to set their daughters up with aliens to big screen is by deaging the hero. What's the point? I mean, how on earth is a scientist supposed to explain to a kid that he was zapped across space by a government plot right out of the wonderful Tommy Kirk opus, "Mars Needs Women"?

Or would they bother to change that? A 13 year old boy suddenly being asked to mate with a twenty-something space princess? Heck, why not? God knows every American 13 year old boy has dreamt that ever since Summer of 83 when Carrie Fisher became forever immortalized as "that chick in the metal bra".

And if they do change that element, why the heck would they be blasting these teleport rays into space in the first place? I mean, I'm no Harlan Ellison, but it occurs to me that any race that can master the sciences of teleportation is hopefully going to have a government that has advanced beyond the needs for subsidies to keep a senator in power. "Here ye, here ye, the honorable gentleman from Gropnar-17 would like to bring to the table this bill, calling for the construction of a large teleportation ray to blast beams randomly into space."

There's also this new Birds of Prey show that's coming up. Originally it was called "Chicks Who Kick Ass", but that wasn't quite PC enough. BoP is a nice action comic about a neo-superheroic Nero Wolfe/Archie Goodwin pairing who just happen to be women. Nothing quite so drastic here, except that Black Canary has been deaged from late 20's to her teens to give the show a "Buffy" vibe.

Yeah... cause you know that a show about tough women outside of their teens would never work in this Xena-phobic business of ours.

Bad puns... so this is what it has come to huh? Okay... go for the kill.

Anyway, my advice to Warner Brothers is to just step back, let the writers and editors do their work and trust that they can do for the movies and TV shows what they do for your lesser holdings. And for God's sake, get Jon Peters off the payroll before he decides Superman needs a funny edge and that Adam Sandler would be the perfect one to play him.

Of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

NOTE: This column really was written by Matt Morrison, and not Dennis Miller. We have nothing but the highest respect for Dennis Miller and this parody was done out of love, so please don't sue us.

The Mount - Lost Comic Treasures!

All righty everyone. Unca Stars isn't just going to entertain and inform you youguns about some obscure bit of comics trivia this month. He's also going to give you a chance to earn big money. Well, maybe not money. Unca Stars has that student loan to worry about. But you might have a chance to win anything of your choosing from his Magical Box of Comics for Sale. Sound good so far, kiddies? Then read on!

Perhaps not all of you out there know about the infamous "lost comics" of DC Comics. For those of you who don't, let me bring you up to speed. A lost comic is a comic that, for one reason or another, was never meant to be released to the public. Lost comics tend to be very rare occurrences, since editors usually catch any problems before an issue is sent to print. In most cases, these lost comics are shredded... hence the name of lost comics. But sometimes... some of these lost comics get loose. And they can prove quite valuable.

Running down the list of the more famous lost comics, I realize that I cannot continue without mentioning the most famous of the lost comics; Elseworlds 80 Page Giant and the original version of League of Extraordinary Gentleman #5. The Elseworlds 80 Page Giant was pulled at the last minute, due to a classic Superbaby story showing little Clark Kent getting into all kinds of trouble... including one scene where he somehow gets inside a running microwave oven. DC, apparently fearing the PR scandals and potential for lawsuits, had all the issues of the comics shredded, except for a few issues that were delivered to the UK. Similarly, LOEG #5 was pulled because of an authentic period advertisement placed in the book. LOEG long made a habit of having real Victorian-era ads in their book in order to create the illusion of the book being a classic serial novel. The problem with LOEG #5 was that one of their more prominent ads was for a feminine hygiene product manufactured by the "Marvel" company. Again, worried over the idea that a certain competitor might be offended, DC shredded almost all of the original issues. And again, a few managed to get out. Now you all might ask... what does this have to do with your free comics?

I'm trying to track down some of these lost comics. Issues that while not as famous as the Elseworlds or LOEG #5 are still of interest to me as a fan and collector.

Lucky you! You all get to help me look. Here's how it works. In the following paragraphs, I'm going to describe the lost comics I'm looking for. If you can find a sign of where I can get that comic or if you have that issue yourself and are interested in trading it, write me and give me the relevant information, including websites and or/prices. If you tell me where I can get the comic, and I get it from there, you get a number of comics equal in value to whatever I pay for the lost comic. You'll get the list of what I have as soon as I confirm a sale. Or, if you have one of the following, I can just trade you straight value; my comics for yours... whatever I have that you want is yours.

First, there is the Wonder Woman Hentai special; Wonder Woman Against the Octoprobes of Gamsaro. Released in Japan only, this comic detailed Wonder Woman's fighting against a gruesome race of alien invaders, the eight-tentacled Octoprobes. It was shredded by DC due to the rather graphic artwork of famed Japanese comic artist Hujiro Teep Whing. It is valued at being worth 70 dollars in mint condition.

One of the most infamous of lost comics is the extremely rare Watchmen #13. It's existence is denied to this very day by Alan Moore, Dave Gibbons and DC Comics itself. Regardless, it is out there somewhere... and it completes the story that was cut off with what supposed to be an open ending to the whole story. It's all there... did Rorschach's journal get printed? Did it expose Ozymandias' plans to the world? Did it have any effect? At all? All is answered in this lost comic, worth $750 in mint condition.

Originally printed to keep Mark Waid from signing an exclusive contract with CrossGen Comics and leaving DC, this next comic was printed when DC offered Waid a chance to do a revitalization of any classic character he wanted to. Not surprisingly, the master of comics trivia chose a popular but obscure and often ignored hero for this rare privilege. Sadly, the marketing department quickly realized that the market for The New Adventures of Silent Majority was very small. In fact, they pinpointed it being made up of 17 people, one of those being Mark Waid and the other sixteen being die hard fans of The Force of July and/or Fanzing writers. Still, some copies were printed and are now worth 240 dollars to the right collector.

Lastly, there is a copy of the original print to Nightwing #47. Written during a week-long period, shortly after a camping trip where Chuck Dixon was accidentally struck in the head with a canoe paddle, this issue differs dramatically from the eventually published version. So illusive is this comic, in fact, that nobody is quite sure what is different about it. The rumors persist though.

Some say that Dick Grayson, tired of the corruption of the Bludhaven PD and his discovery that his newly adopted sidekick Tad is a murderer, gives up his career as a vigilante. Some say he outs himself to Bruce and Barbara. Others say that he moves to New York to begin a new life as a dancer on Broadway. On an interesting note, it is also rumored that about this time, Dixon also submitted a proposal to DC to bring back More Romance Comics.

Further, it is rumored that several members of the Dixonverse discussion boards got wind of this, traveled to Dixon's home and set about a brief period of therapy involving repeated watchings of True Grit with John Wayne, a strict diet of raw steak and schnapps and repeated blows to the head with a croquet mallet. Regardless, a week later a new Nightwing #47 script was submitted after a few of the mystery issue were already printed. This comic, which Dixon has no memory of writing, is valued at $450.

In Defense Of Joel Schumacher

Batman and Robin, the fourth movie in the Warner Brother's Batman series has gained a rather notorious reputation as one of the biggest bombs ever made and has soiled the reputation of its’ director Joel Schumacher, who is accused of being responsible for the series decline. This is for the most part an unfair accusation since it was actually the studio executives who trashed the grand image Schumacher had for the Batman franchise.

The real problem with Batman and Robin is that the version released into theaters is drastically cut. Similar to the problems with the original version of Dune, so much was cut from the film that the release version made little to no sense. Schumacher claims that the original movie was four-and-a-half hours long and that the completed version of the film was “lost” by the studio in order to shift full blame for the project’s failure on Schumacher.

Although no physical evidence of this cutting of Batman and Robin can be found, many people have reported seeing this version in the theaters on opening weekend. “It was weird.” says 19 year old Batman fan Jonathan Walker. “We sat there and watched the movie for what seemed like forever. Towards the end, we all started feeling really sleepy, so it must have been pretty late by then. They didn’t have a clock in the theater but it felt like we were there for at least three hours. Maybe four”.

One of the reasons for these cuts was that Batman and Robin, in Schmacher’s original vision, was intended to be a musical. This is one of the main reasons that the movie most of us have seen has turned out so horrible. Much like the James L. Brooks film I’ll Do Anything, the studio test groups who saw the original cuts of the musical version of the movie, hated the songs. The studio, in a single memo dealt two deadly blows to the Batman 4 project. First, Schumacher was asked to remove the songs from the film. Secondly, the film’s due date was bumped up by one week. In order to get the film done on time, Schumacher was forced to film whole scenes to cover the information explained through the songs.

One example of how this ruined the film can be seen in Uma Thurman’s performance, and we use the term loosely. It’s not Uma’s fault, but she has little to do throughout the movie but act as Miss Exposition and explain away the plot. A clear example of this is in her first scene where she is dictating her character history onto a tape recorder. Yet as much as the character as Poison Ivy suffered, what happened to Bane is the true tragedy of the decision to remove the music from the show.

As I’m sure we all remember, Bane is the villain who in the infamous Knightfall storyline was able, through intelligent planning and brute force able to “break the Bat”. In the version of Batman and Robin we’ve seen, Bane is reduced to a grunting sweating flunky of Poison Ivy, with no intelligence or lines. It was Schumacher’s intent, so he says, to symbolize Bane’s vast intellect through his beautiful song and dance routines.

“One cannot appreciate the true beauty that is Batman and Robin until one has heard Bane sing a remix of the classic Rocky Horror Picture Show song “Sword of Damocles”, about a monster bemoaning his fate. Or what about “Today is for Bane”? And who would not be able to hold back their tears as Bane sang his death song, “Bane’s Requeim” upon his defeat by Robin and Batgirl?” says Scuhmacher. “Jeep Swenson, the actor who played Bane, proved to be a fine dancer. I think this was because of his experience as a pro wrestler, which obvious gave him great skill in working with a choreographer. It was not publicized widely, but Michael Flatley personally picked Jeep to replace him in “Riverdance” before the movie came out.”

Schumacker admits that his story sounds far fetched, but offers more evidence that Batman 4 was intended to be a musical. “Take a look at the backgrounds and costuming. You’ll notice that the gaudy and tacky look of the backgrounds is very much like that in any Broadway musical. For such musicals depend upon spectacle, flash, dash, pizazz and what have you. All the bright colors, the neon, the nipples… all of this was to create the illusion of a stage show on the screen.” Schumacker also points to the rather corny jokes of Mr. Freeze as evidence of his intentions.

“Back in the days of the studio musical, cheesy jokes were a hallmark of a fine family musical. I remember a line from The Music Man… “I don’t recall catching your name”…. “I don’t recall dropping it”. Now is that any worse than “You’ll never put me in the cooler?” Hmmmm?”

Schumacher was shocked when he discovered that the studio had cut the film, without his knowledge and asked to have his name taken off the picture. Alas, the WB publicity machine had him revealed as the director before he could insist that Batman and Robin be declared an Alan Smithee production. Which is unfortunate because now that the dust is settled it is Joel Schumacher who is now known as the “man who broke the Bat.” Still, Schumacher is hopeful. “Those executives must have decided I had a point about the musical… I hear they are working on a Batman Musical right now.”

NOTE: This is a work of Satire. None of the above is true, except for the thing about there really being a Batman Musical in production. May God help us all.