Friday, June 15, 2007
Salutations comic-readers of the world! It is I, Victor Von Doom – Supreme Ruler of all Latveria – once again exercising Doom’s right to speak freely upon matters of great importance.
Those of you who have missed Doom’s earlier missive may well wonder ‘Why would one with the might and clout of Victor Von Doom need to speak through a humble magazine devoted to illustrated fiction? Surely the major news networks would bow to the whims of one so famous and so powerful?’
And indeed they might, were most of the American media machine not currently perched like fat pigeons outside the cell of one Paris Hilton, awaiting the latest news on her imprisonment. A sad, sad statement upon your society. In Latveria, we do not allow such worthless people to retain wealth and grow lazy off the labors of others. Nor are drunk drivers punished with mere imprisonment – or they would not be, had Doom not outlawed personal civilian motor vehicles and thus indirectly ended the scourge of drunk driving! Advantage: Doom!
But despite the many flaws of the American society and media, Doom must admit that while your mistakes are plentiful, many of you do seem to try and learn from your errors and ensure that they will not be repeated. This would explain why Doom found Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer to be a much more tolerable film than the first film based upon the battle between Doom and the accursed Reed Richards and his family!
Now, your American film critics may speak at length of how the visual effects quality has improved considerably and that the performances of the actors are engaging and closely match the personalities of Richards and his family. Doom does not deny this. But such frivolous discussion is not Doom’s purpose here. Nay, Doom shall speak of what is truly important – how did the filmmakers portray the glory that is Doom?
Poorly, it must be said. Though in fairness Doom doubts there is any filmmaker, writer or actor who could do Doom true justice without Doom’s hand to guide them. The theatric arts, amazing though they are, are a poor thing to simulate the awesome power that is Doom. Still, considering the pitiful results of their last outing, the film-makers do improve greatly upon their past mistakes – though the weak, high and very American accent of Australian actor Julian McMahon is a still an unworthy match for the dulcet baritone voice of Doom! Still, there has been much improvement.
1. The Power of Doom
First and foremost, the metallic skin that the movie Doom was cursed with in the last film is quickly and permanently removed. Doom would have preferred for some scaring to have remained as a visual reminder of what Richard’s incompetence had done but Doom will take what Doom can get and be thankful that the movie Doom did not have cloven feet and the power to vomit flame retardant foam as in your most recent biased Fantastic Four comics.
2. The Armor of Doom
Doom is finally clad in the amazing armor that is Doom’s trademark. Though it is not until the climax of the film that he does so, we do see the movie Doom working on his armor throughout the film until the moment when... ah, but that would be telling. Suffice it to say, Doom does finally appear in his full glory by the film’s end.
3. The Wisdom of Doom
My words of how Doom should be played seem to have reached the writers and actor. While still far from worthy of the name Victor Von Doom, Julian McMahon does the best with what the writers give him. We see attempts made to portray Doom the Master Manipulator and Doom the Master Scientist, with some success.
While the character of Movie Doom is played in a most unsympathetic manner (What else would one expect of an American propaganda piece?) he is at least depicted as a credible threat of enormous power in this film. And his grand scheme to seize the power that is his destiny is based off of one of Doom’s most famous adventures. And while Movie Doom is defeated through means that even Doom could not have foreseen, the field is left open for Doom’s triumphant return should another one of these so-called Fantastic Four films be made.
Rest assured that Doom has plans to counter this bigoted film franchise with a self-financed film directed by the most famous filmmaker of Eastern Europe. Of course Doom does not usually lower himself to watch such low entertainment as most American films but Doom has read many message boards regarding this director and Doom concludes that, much like Doom, this true genius is not appreciated by The American People.
For now, if one must see a biased and inaccurate account of Doom’s struggle with the accursed Richards and his family, this film would be far preferable to any other film made thus far.
Still... one day very soon... the day will come when Doom shall get his cinematic just desserts!
Doom’s Day! Written and directed by Uwe Boll. Starring Doombot #37 as Victor Von Doom. Await it in the summer of 2010!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
SOURCE: Male heroes draw comic fans
(Side-Note. Isn't that one of the worst headlines ever? It sounds like Captain America and Iron Man are doing caricatures on the street!)
The basic upshot of the article is that it puts forth three main ideas:
1) The reason why comic book movies that center upon female characters do worse than comic book movies centering upon male characters is because most men are uncomfortable with powerful women.
2) Fantastic Four is some kind of exception to this rule because the three main male characters balance out the one female, who is in many ways the heart of the team.
3) Jessica Alba as Sue Storm is a step up from Halle Berry as Catwoman, because she gets a costume that covers her whole body.
And what experts do they get to promote this idea?
The guy who runs Comics2Film and one of the bimbos from G4 TV, which is described as a channel for "video gamers and comic-book devotees".
This seems a bit inaccurate as the only time I can remember G4 covering anything remotely related to comics was when they had some of their staff at The San Diego ComicCon - and then they seemed to be more interested in the girls dressed as Princess Leia than interviewing Jeph Loeb. But I digress.
Let's just say I think there's got to be someone a bit more qualified to discuss women in comics and fanboy psychology. Someone who works for a comic company? A psychiatrist who is an expert on human sexuality and how men view women? At the very least, someone whose career doesn't depend on being vapid eye-candy for a bunch of stoner frat boys who use words like "pownz" in every-day conversation?
Just a thought.
Anyway, this article just disturbs me because:
1) The real reason Spider-Man and Superman made more money that Catwoman and Elektra had more to do with...
a) Familiarity. Nearly every kid knows who Spider-Man is - hardly any know who Elektra is.
b) Advertising. Spider-Man and Superman were more heavily promoted than Catwoman and Elektra. And despite all the movies having PG-13 ratings, Spider-Man was marketed as a family film while Catwoman featured a hot woman in bondage gear. Not exactly the type of thing to make mom want to take the kids out for a day at the cinema.
c) Quality. Superman and Spider-Man were made by experienced film directors who were fans of the comics and endeavored to stay as close to the look and spirit of the original books as possible. Catwoman had absolutely nothing in common with the comics on which it was based - apart from the name of the character - and was made by a special-effects man and first-time director. I know for a fact that fanboys - perfectly heterosexual, red-blooded American fanboys - stayed away from Catwoman in droves simply because they heard about how far it deviated from the comics. The fact that Halle Berry was wearing next to nothing was not even a consideration.
2) I never thought I'd see the day when Sue Storm is held up as the vanguard of feminism in superheroines. The woman who was the epitome of the girl hostage through the 60's who evolved into a stay-home mommy who just happened to be one of the most powerful superbeings on the planet?
And lest I be misunderstood on this point, let me say this. I do believe feminism is about choice. You can choose to have kids and stay at home with them just as easily as you can choose to focus on your career. It doesn't make you any less of a woman or a womyn to want to devote your life to raising a family.
It's just that the idea of Susan Storm as a feminist icon - after all the insane and undignified and stereotypical things that have happened to her because of her gender over the years... the Eskimo said to the air-conditioner salesman, "I'm not buying it!"
3) Fantastic Four is also an established franchise, so it's doing so well probably had more to do with that than their being a female character in a body-covering costume. And let's not forget - that costume is TIGHT. And tight is just as bad as skimpy.
I dunno. Anyone else have any thoughts on this?
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Good day to you all, if indeed it can ever be considered “good” when you do not live under the watchful eye of Doom! Yes readers; it is I! Victor Von Doom. Here to deliver a special address.
No doubt some of you are wondering what happened to the “Looking to the Stars” column that usually runs upon Mondays in this digital periodical. Though most might wonder why you could think of anything else when one could read the writings of Doom, I will answer this query. For it amuses Doom to do so!
You see, the American who usually has his “writings” published in this magazine is currently busy with his studies for a Masters Degree. While Doom would normally commend the attempt of anyone to better themselves, Doom must scorn his seeking enlightenment from a University…particularly, an American University. The American Collegiate system is full of small, petty minds devoted to stifling individual achievement. T’would be better to find enlightenment on one’s own terms, as Doom did! But Doom digresses.
Many of you also are no doubt wondering why Doom would consent (some might say descend) to having his words of wisdom published in such a piece of “low literature”. A fair question; easily answered. Doom’s thoughts are high and heavy ones, but on occasion Doom sees fit to try and educate the great masses of the Earth in the hopes that general intelligence may gradually rise within the populace.
Of course it would be much faster for Doom to construct a device to instantly increase the intelligence of every human on Earth. But Doom knows well that the sudden shock of such enlightenment would prove far too disturbing for many of your feeble minds to handle. For now Doom must content himself with a slower, more gradual method of informing the world of Doom’s thoughts, bringing about slow changes until more are ready to embrace the changes that Doom has to offer.
With that said, we come to the purpose of Doom’s missive this day; the new “Fantastic Four” movie. To be exact, Doom wishes to discuss Doom’s portrayal in it!
Now, it should surprise no follower of Doom’s exploits that Doom felt this film was destined for failure as surely as if it were one of the accursed Reed Richard’s experiments! With the notorious short attention span of the American public coupled with the anti-Latverian slant of the American media, there seemed little doubt that this film would fail in capturing the awesome splendor that is Doom. Still, having obtained a preview screening of the film through bargains with demonic powers bearing names best not spoken by knowlessmen, Doom can say that even he was shocked at how badly the mark was missed. I give you then the following points.
1. The Origin Story
In the film, Doom is portrayed as a successful businessman whom the incompetent and desperately poor Reed Richards is forced to beg for help in order to test his theories. What few hopes Doom had were dashed within these first five minutes. For while it amused Doom greatly to think of Richards begging him for work… even as Doom reminisced of the many times Richards had begged for his life at Doom’s hands… the idea that Doom would ever consent to work with Richards, even with Richards as an underling… absurd!
To say nothing of Doom limiting himself as the head of a corporation and not striving to become the world leader it is Doom’s destiny to be! And the accident which granted Richards and his family their powers occurs upon Doom’s space station. Preposterous! Any space station of Doom’s design would have adequate shielding to protect against any form of theoretical radiation- unlike certain other scientists Doom could mention. And while a token mention is made of Doom’s glorious homeland of Latveria, the actor portraying Doom does not possess even the slightest hint of an accent. He also possessed a high, reedy voice… not the booming baritone that has made Doom famous as a public speaker!
2. The Power of Doom
Rather than being a self-made man of science and sorcery in this film, Doom acquires super-human powers through exposure to radiation. While Doom might have found this somewhat acceptable were the powers used as a substitute for Doom’s magical might – Doom understanding well the superstitious nature of Americans when confronted with magic and how many of your “educated” spiritual leaders go aflutter at the mention of a certain bespectacled teenager with a lighting-bolt scar – there is no mention made at all of Doom’s prowess as an inventor, master of robotics and creator of brilliant weaponry. Indeed, the film Doom is content to use simple heat-seeking missiles and liquid hydrogen pumps rather than, say, fitting the entire Baxter building with rockets and blasting it into the sun! And do not get Doom started upon the decision to portray Doom with metallic skin rather than his skillfully-created armor. Doom already has special plans for Warren Ellis, who fumbled up that “inspired” retelling.
3. The Love of Doom
There is a sub-plot to this film where the film Doom is romantically interested in Susan Storm. This is nearly as big a flight of fancy as Susan Storm being portrayed as a brilliant genetic engineer in Doom’s employ and not the glorified hausfrau of limited intelligence she truly is. Honestly, what woman possessing any degree of intelligence would stand by the foolish Richards? Doom would be a more stable father and a better provider. And those of you who thought just now of how Richards’ ability to stretch his body might hold the key to explaining why his marriage has lasted so long… be thankful Doom has yet to find time to finish building the device that can deliver electric shocks to the dirty-minded telepathically.
Remarkably, they did get the “Fantastic Four” themselves correct. Grimm is well portrayed as a simple common man, thrown to the winds by Richards’ incompetence. Jonathan’s character is very well acted, being shown off for the short-sighted and weak-willed hedonist that he is. Richards is portrayed as a helpless, hapless pretender, entirely dependent upon his team for protection. And as for Susan Storm…Doom finds that those who protest Jessica Alba’s portraying Susan Storm on the grounds of a Hispanic actress playing a decidedly Anglo-Saxon female are missing the bigger picture. There are many other non-racial reasons why Jessica Alba should not play the role of Susan Storm or indeed ANY role that does not require wild pelvic gyrations to loud music.
In short, this “Fantastic Four” film is unsurprisingly inept in capturing the truth and essence behind the glory that is Doom! Still, it would serve as a harmless diversion for two hours entertainment far better than this new “War of the Worlds” film. And to think I had once pondered bringing Steven Spielberg to Latveria in order to film a TRUE film about the life of Doom!
Alas, now I shall have to rebuild my time platform and procure Stanley Kubrick in order to obtain a suitable visionary to capture the essence of all that is Doom. In fact, I shall depart to do so this very moment! Fare well, people of the world. Know that the iron fist of Doom shall soon protect you all!
All the preceding thoughts were those of Dr. Victor Von Doom and to not necessarily reflect those of the staff of Comics Nexus. They especially do not reflect the opinions of “Starman” Matt Morrison, who rather liked the Fantastic Four movie and thought Jessica Alba did a good job.