The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #5 - A Review

Squirrel Girl's plan to stop Doctor Doom from taking over the future from the past with an army of computer science students armed with the best EMP generators 1960s technology could create has failed! But all is not lost! For another Squirrel Girl from the future, armed with her own Doom Armor, has arrived to join the fight!
There's so much about this book that I love. I love the cutesy artwork by Erica Henderson and Rico Renzi. I love the humor-packed script by Ryan North. And I especially love that Squirrel Girl has a "science-vision" power that enables her to determine that it's okay to trash a museum while fighting Doctor Doom, because the dinosaur bones in one exhibit are plaster replicas and clearly not real, horribly-valuable dinosaur bones!

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl is an incredibly silly comic. It is also incredibly fun and funny, in a way rarely seen in the modern age of American Comics. I am thankful this comic exists, if for no other reason than its very existence seems to annoy those people who take their funny books far too seriously. Relax, pull up a bowl full of nuts and enjoy one of the best books on the stands today!

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #4 - A Review

Doom has conquered the world!  Only nobody has noticed because he did it in the past before there were any heroes who could have stopped him. Or so Doom thinks. Because there is one hero, conveniently trapped in the 1960s, who MIGHT stop him yet - The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl!

The greatest thing about the series is how it revels in the sheer insanity of The Marvel Universe without having to exaggerate a thing.  Doom is played completely straight in Ryan North's script, which makes it all the more hilarious when the likes of Squirrel Girl and a bunch of second year computer science students are trying to thwart his plans. You don't see this kind of fun in modern comics often and thank goodness The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl is here to provide it.


Erica Henderson's artwork is the perfect medium for capturing this anarchic spirit. There is a raw passion to Henderson's aesthetic that is well suited to North's scripts. And the colors by Rico Renzi are well chosen.

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl #3 - A Review

The good news is that Nancy - roommate of the lost-in-time Squirrel Girl and the only person who remembers that Doreen Green exists - has stumbled across someone with a time machine who also remembers Squirrel Girl. The bad news is that person is Doctor Doom. And not just any Doctor Doom but the "just-jumped-forward in time" Doctor Doom who, from his perspective, just suffered an undignified defeat at Squirrel Girl's hands!

Of course Nancy might still be able to talk Doom into helping her... assuming she can stop a fight from breaking out between Doom and literally every other superhero in New York who just happens to pass by at that exact moment.  Doom is nothing if not reasonable and the idea that one of his greatest enemies is in a position to accidentally rewrite history is not something Doom would allow. But could the very act of trying to prevent further damage to the timeline cause greater damage? And what is Doreen doing in the past right now anyway?
I love the writing on this book. And just when I think I can't love it anymore, Ryan North treats us to something like The Punisher cheerfully apologizing for harassing someone he is told is a cosplayer. Or the fact that among the many wonders of Doctor Doom's armor is the fact that his gauntlets can operate touch screens! This book is just plain fun.

The artwork by Erica Henderson is equally enjoyable. Henderson's cartoonish style is a good fit for North's manic scripts. Yet she also draws a suitably menacing Doctor Doom. The colors by Rico Renzi are also praiseworthy.

Austin Comic Con - Part Three

Sailor Moon


Chell from Portal.


Captain Marvel, Bullseye and Elektra.


The Green Hornet and Kato.


The Fourth Doctor and Link.


Classic Star Trek crew.


Hit Girl.


Nightwing and Harley Quinn. He was much more excited about meeting Green Arrow than she was.
He also lamented that everyone kept calling him Batman. I was one of the few who recognized him!

Speaking of Harley, here's a nice dress inspired by Harley Quinn.


Steampunk Poison Ivy, The Greatest American Hero as a baby, Darth Vader as a Tween Girl and Grifter.
Somewhere, someone just had an idea on how to make this into a fan-fiction story.


I shall pose for your picture, for Doom likes the cut of your green cowl.
Then Doom will return to his quest for an ultra-rare Doctor Hooves variant figure!
It shall be mine! So swears Doom!


Ariel - here seen with a newly working pair of legs - was working at the booth for Silver Leaf Costumes.


No, Babydoll! Watch out for No Face!

Comics and D&D Alignment

Since the subject has been brought up again both here and here, and since I made more than a few of these posters myself on RPG.NET... I thought perhaps it fitting that I weigh in on the subject, being a gamer and comics expert of some note. Here now are my posters, with actual quotes from the character and my justification for why that character is that alignment.

WHY IS CAPTAIN AMERICA LAWFUL GOOD? Because as many times as Steve Rogers has been declared an outlaw, it has never stopped him from trying to work within the rules and laws of his country for the greatest possible good. Even in Civil War, he was fighting for the higher law of The United States Bill of Rights even as he was fighting against the laws regarding superhero registration.

WHY IS BATMAN NEUTRAL GOOD? Much as I know everyone would like to peg Batman as Lawful Good so he's a polar opposite of Joker and as many arguments as I've heard that Batman is a deep believer in order, despite working outside the law... sorry, Bruce has too much going against him to be Lawful. Not only because Bruce breaks countless laws on a nightly basis (breaking-in-and-entering, assault, driving an unregistered, uninsured and decidedly not street-legal vehicle... and the bit in The Dark Knight where he illegally violated millions of peoples' right to privacy to give himself radar powers) but because Bruce's concern for achieving Good is more important than the ideal of Law and Order.

Superman himself put it best in Kingdom Come - "When you take everything else away from Batman, you have a person who doesn't want to see people die." That's about as good a definition of Neutral Good as I've ever seen.

WHY IS GREEN ARROW CHAOTIC GOOD? Fights Evil? Check. Works outside the law? Check. Issues with anyone who thinks you need a badge or a uniform to do good? BIG OL' CHECK. Plus, he's basically Robin Hood. Everyone knows Robin Hood = Textbook Chaotic Good.

WHY ARE THE GUARDIANS LAWFUL NEUTRAL? While they were always supposed to be an organization concerned with keeping order and preserving life, the "Keeping Order" part of the equation has always been the greater of the two. You can see in numerous stories how they tolerate individual Lanterns breaking their rules and defying their direct commands about as well as a three-year-old who has been told they can't have a cookie. And with the new Alpha Lanterns (cyborg Green Lanterns created by combining Manhunter technology with live Green Lanterns) in Green Lantern right now, it looks like the New Earth Guardians are back in the habit of trading freedom for security.

WHY IS CONAN NEUTRAL? Aren't barbarians chaotic by their very nature? Not necessarily and certainly not by the D&D Rules, which only required a barbarian be non-Lawful. As many issues as Conan has with city men and their pointless rules, he has always been willing to put aside his dislike of people telling him what to do for steady pay. Chaotic types don't generally thrive in the military and Conan certainly did thrive while in the employ of various armies. He played the soldier just as much as he played bandit, suggesting he had no strong feelings on law or chaos, one way or the other. And he certainly made an honest attempt at doing the job well once he became a King, despite being totally unsuited toward the life of royalty.

WHY IS JOHN CONSTANTINE CHAOTIC NEUTRAL? I've seen several people argue that John should be Chaotic Good because he honestly does try to do the right thing, more often than not. This is true. But John generally does a lot of evil things to accomplish that good, including intentionally sacrificing other people and trafficking with demons. The fact that John tries to do the right thing on occasion is the only thing keeping him from being Chaotic Evil. But even ignoring the means John uses to bring about individual ends, John's personality is geared toward doing things without considering the eventual result. Even without his magic, the demons around him and the angels behind him, it is John's nature to lash out against the world and Authority with a capital A. He was a rotten kid who disrespected his father. He was a punk singer. And he once arranged for a paranoid anarchist friend to wind up on the mailing list of a conservative Church group, just because he knew he'd be freaked out by their pamphlet describing the evils of rock and roll, Ouija boards and video games. Why? Because he could.

WHY IS DOCTOR DOOM LAWFUL EVIL? Doom is a man of his word. He respects the rule of law, even when the law isn't his own. At least, when written properly he does. He's a member of the United Nations and takes his position as a world leader seriously. He honestly does seem to make an effort at providing for his people and trying to better the world, even if the inspiration behind his acts is to show how amazing he is. And for all the tricky-dicks who want to point out the laws he violates going after The Fantastic Four... well, guess what, by our rules he doesn't have to follow our rules! Diplomatic Immunity for the win!

WHY IS DEADSHOT NEUTRAL EVIL? Amoral mercenary who will take any job to kill anyone, no questions asked. Sure, he has a wife and a kid now... but his first response in dealing with the people threatening their lives is to shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot and shoot some more.

WHY IS THE JOKER CHAOTIC EVIL? Oh, come on! Do I REALLY need to explain this one? Go see The Dark Knight again...

It's Not About The Sexism. It's Not Even About The Dialogue. It's AboutTruth in Advertising.

I'm so glad that I'm not giving Marvel any more of my money.

Why? Well, there's many reasons, but here's the most recent one...




This is not a Photoshop job. This is not from a comedy book. This is an actual panel from Mighty Avengers #11 by Brian Michael Bendis. A writer actually got paid for this dialogue. An editor actually approved of this.

Now, I know I'm a little slow in commenting on this because - as I said - I don't read anything Marvel publishes anymore and I just heard about this after reading another blog. And no, I haven't read the entire issue in question. In this case I don't think I need to. Because this line, as has been pointed out by many people by now, is not only grammatically unsound: it is also so horribly out-of-character for Doom that it makes any further review of the issue unnecessary.

Of course, since one of the more famous Feminist comic-bloggers wrote one of the most visible criticisms of said issue, the usual charter members of The He-Man Woman Haters Club are crawling out of their caves and their mother's basements and screaming defense after defense of how Bendis isn't sexist and how very silly it is that the womenfolk are complaining about Doom saying bad things about a woman because Doom is a very naughty man who says and does very bad things.

Of course, had these fine specimens of manliness actually bothered to have - you know - read said article, they would have found out that Ms. Fortuner's article was not about Ms. Marvel being called "fat" or "cow" or "whore". It was about how while Doctor Doom probably is a Misogynist (by simple virtue of him thinking himself superior to everybody), he has always been portrayed as being the chilvaric "women on a pedestal" sort of sexist.

Doom has also never been the kind to stoop to simple insults, particularly physical ones. He may insult a woman's stupidity for being trapped so easily but Doom would never stoop as to comment on her weight or her sexual habits. Because Doom, whatever else you might say about him, is a classy guy. He'll throw a banquet for his arch-enemies so that they have a good last meal before he kills them. He honors his agreements and shows at least a modicum of respect for those he contests with. And he'll even, should the world be at stake, put aside his vendetta against the accursed Reed Richards and those who would aid him in the name of the greater good.

So why did I feel the need to comment on this when so many other more distinguished luminaries, including that master parodist Christopher Bird, have already weighed in on this issue?

Because of something that the children's librarian in me remembered from reading through a catalog and something that I think is rather important. Namely, that this book - Mighty Avengers #11 - was rated All Ages by whoever it is that Marvel has rate their comics for age-appropriateness.

Yes. All-Ages. As in, you're supposed to be able to give this to anyone without fear of it containing inappropriate material.

Now, I'm not a prude. Far from it. Anybody who has read my work, knows my reading habits or is familiar with my weekend exploits as part of a Rocky Horror troupe can vouch that I am not easily offended nor am I a Helen Lovejoy "Won't Somebody PLEASE Think of the children" type. But I have to ask: Since when has "whore" been an acceptable word for use in children's books? Even children's pictorial bibles don't drop the W-bomb!

Before now, I was content to limit my ban on Marvel Comics to my own personal reading habits. Now, I'm enforcing it at my library. Because if I can't trust Marvel Comics to honestly and fairly rate their own materials, then I can't be bothered to take the risk on anything they publish.

The Words Of Doom! - A Review of Fantasic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer

Salutations comic-readers of the world! It is I, Victor Von Doom – Supreme Ruler of all Latveria – once again exercising Doom’s right to speak freely upon matters of great importance.

Those of you who have missed Doom’s earlier missive may well wonder ‘Why would one with the might and clout of Victor Von Doom need to speak through a humble magazine devoted to illustrated fiction? Surely the major news networks would bow to the whims of one so famous and so powerful?’

And indeed they might, were most of the American media machine not currently perched like fat pigeons outside the cell of one Paris Hilton, awaiting the latest news on her imprisonment. A sad, sad statement upon your society. In Latveria, we do not allow such worthless people to retain wealth and grow lazy off the labors of others. Nor are drunk drivers punished with mere imprisonment – or they would not be, had Doom not outlawed personal civilian motor vehicles and thus indirectly ended the scourge of drunk driving! Advantage: Doom!

But despite the many flaws of the American society and media, Doom must admit that while your mistakes are plentiful, many of you do seem to try and learn from your errors and ensure that they will not be repeated. This would explain why Doom found Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer to be a much more tolerable film than the first film based upon the battle between Doom and the accursed Reed Richards and his family!

Now, your American film critics may speak at length of how the visual effects quality has improved considerably and that the performances of the actors are engaging and closely match the personalities of Richards and his family. Doom does not deny this. But such frivolous discussion is not Doom’s purpose here. Nay, Doom shall speak of what is truly important – how did the filmmakers portray the glory that is Doom?

Poorly, it must be said. Though in fairness Doom doubts there is any filmmaker, writer or actor who could do Doom true justice without Doom’s hand to guide them. The theatric arts, amazing though they are, are a poor thing to simulate the awesome power that is Doom. Still, considering the pitiful results of their last outing, the film-makers do improve greatly upon their past mistakes – though the weak, high and very American accent of Australian actor Julian McMahon is a still an unworthy match for the dulcet baritone voice of Doom! Still, there has been much improvement.


1. The Power of Doom

First and foremost, the metallic skin that the movie Doom was cursed with in the last film is quickly and permanently removed. Doom would have preferred for some scaring to have remained as a visual reminder of what Richard’s incompetence had done but Doom will take what Doom can get and be thankful that the movie Doom did not have cloven feet and the power to vomit flame retardant foam as in your most recent biased Fantastic Four comics.


2. The Armor of Doom


Doom is finally clad in the amazing armor that is Doom’s trademark. Though it is not until the climax of the film that he does so, we do see the movie Doom working on his armor throughout the film until the moment when... ah, but that would be telling. Suffice it to say, Doom does finally appear in his full glory by the film’s end.


3. The Wisdom of Doom

My words of how Doom should be played seem to have reached the writers and actor. While still far from worthy of the name Victor Von Doom, Julian McMahon does the best with what the writers give him. We see attempts made to portray Doom the Master Manipulator and Doom the Master Scientist, with some success.

While the character of Movie Doom is played in a most unsympathetic manner (What else would one expect of an American propaganda piece?) he is at least depicted as a credible threat of enormous power in this film. And his grand scheme to seize the power that is his destiny is based off of one of Doom’s most famous adventures. And while Movie Doom is defeated through means that even Doom could not have foreseen, the field is left open for Doom’s triumphant return should another one of these so-called Fantastic Four films be made.


Rest assured that Doom has plans to counter this bigoted film franchise with a self-financed film directed by the most famous filmmaker of Eastern Europe. Of course Doom does not usually lower himself to watch such low entertainment as most American films but Doom has read many message boards regarding this director and Doom concludes that, much like Doom, this true genius is not appreciated by The American People.

For now, if one must see a biased and inaccurate account of Doom’s struggle with the accursed Richards and his family, this film would be far preferable to any other film made thus far.

Still... one day very soon... the day will come when Doom shall get his cinematic just desserts!

Doom’s Day! Written and directed by Uwe Boll. Starring Doombot #37 as Victor Von Doom. Await it in the summer of 2010!

Looking To The Stars - The Week In Reviews

I'm a bit spoiled for choice about one thing in particular to write about this week. Can't make up my mind, so we're going to cover everything I've read this past week. But just to make it interesting, I shall once again challenge myself with a self-imposed limit on words. One sentence; that's all.

ACTION COMICS #834

Nice to see the Queen of Stories back.


AQUAMAN #37

I think the only Aquaman villain we don't see here is The Fisherman.


AUTHORITY THE MAGNIFICENT KEVIN #5 (OF 5)

I miss Garth Ennis' Hitman... but this helps stave the want a bit.


FABLES #44

Still one of my favorite books, even if the ending this time was a bit of a cop out.


GREEN ARROW #57

No comment until next month.


HAWKMAN #47

I thought Rann/Thanagar was over?


JLA #123

Note to Judd Winick - HERE is how to write Oliver Queen!


NIGHTWING #115

Man, that Deathstroke does get around.


SUPERMAN TRUE BRIT SC

Brilliant!


TEEN TITANS #30

The Captain Carrot comic is the best bit of satire in a comic page in forever.


BOOKS OF DOOM #2 (OF 6)

Sadly, this is ten times better than anything being done with Fantastic Four elsewhere and the best treatment Doom had in a while.


GHOST RIDER #4 (OF 6)

For that matter, I miss Garth Ennis' Preacher too.


GLX-MAS SPECIAL

Worth getting even without the official Marvel Legends action figure promotion.


MARVEL KNIGHTS SPIDER-MAN #21

Turns out he was only MOSTLY Dead!


PUNISHER SILENT NIGHT

For those of you offended by silly comics like GLX, try this!


SECRET WAR: BOOK FIVE (OF 5)

It's finally out, so we can all go back to forgetting it ever existed.


SON OF M #1 (OF 6)

Peter Parker Pimp-Slaps Pietro.


ULTIMATE IRON MAN #5 (OF 5)

See SECRET WAR #5


WHAT IF WOLVERINE

So basically, this is "What if Wolverine Were The Punisher?"


Tune in next week. Same Matt time. Same Matt website.

Looking To The Stars: Snap Shot Reviews

Robert Burns once said "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Well, that's what happened this week. No sooner do I say farewell to my life as a professional comic book guy am I informed that my refusal has been rejected... at least until after the holiday season is over. Apparently they are a bit more willing to work with my schedule having realized how hard it would be to train someone new in the middle of the busiest shopping time of the year. So for a while, I shall be librarian and comic book guy.

So much for a smooth and graceful exit, eh?

Ah well. While my occupational transition has proven less peaceful than I had hoped, I can promise a much smoother and more amusing bit of reading for you all this week. Though I haven't had the time to start the first special project I promised I would start once I had more free reading/writing time, I did manage to read quite a few of the hot and new titles this week. And for the sake of brevity, I shall handicap myself and limit myself to two sentences to describe each book. All the better to speed you along to reading the good stuff for yourself.

All Star Superman #1 - Superman as he should be. All the classic elements of the character are balanced evenly with a wacky Grant Morrison plot, wrapped in a Quietly shell that makes the whole thing one sweet piece of candy.

Books of Doom #1 - Finally, Dr. Doom done right! If this is any indication of the future quality of his work, I can't wait for Ed Brubaker's Daredevil.

Birds of Prey #88 - While I'm still a bit hazy on the recent timeline involving the Ollie/Dinah relationship, Simone is the only author who has accurately captured the dynamic between the two since Kevin Smith's run on Green Arrow. That is fact, not opinion, and I will gladly explain why to any who dare challenge me on this point.

Do you REALLY want to challenge the hate mail gods in such a cavalier fashion Matt? Are you SURE? -Editor K.

Fables #43 - So good I got my girlfriend into regular comics fandom on this book alone. Worth the price of admission just for the joke on respecting the customs regarding the treatment of slaves and the treatment of slavers.

Fantastic Four #532 - JMS continues to be the only writer at Marvel who can deliver a consistent level of quality across multiple books. A notable issue, if only for being the first time I think it was outright stated Reed Richards uses his powers in the bedroom.

Green Arrow #56 - The good news is that we only get to see Winick mangle Ollie's character for two pages. The bad news is that he and the editor STILL haven't been corrected on the fact that Killer Frost's powers absorb heat (so fire arrows won't hurt her) and they spend the Ollie-Ollie-free rest of the issue screwing up Mia and Connor.

Green Lantern #5 - Johns is building things slowly here and I wish he'd speed up a bit. This issue is amusing superhero fare, but hardly as filling as his usual works.

Hellblazer #214 - The beginning of the end for Mike Carey's run as he takes away a major part of the Constantine mythology. I can't wait for next month to see what else goes up in smoke.

Jon Sable Freelance #5 - Why must every other book I read this week torment me with images of the days when Green Arrow was under the hands of a competent writer and artist? If you aren't already reading this series by old pro Mike Grell, do yourself a favor and track down the back issues.

Supergirl #3 - For fans of old school comics with a sense of fun, this is one of the best books on the market. Ignore the haters on the message-board who dismiss this as fluff.

The Thing #1 - Leave it to Dan Slott to give me some brief hope that there may be someone else besides JMS at Marvel who gets it. This book is a treasure, with a sense of fun that is all but dead at Marvel and starting to be revived at DC.

One final review, but not a comic book one. If you were planning to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire but haven't or if you weren't planning to see it., go see it. Now. Um, sorry to butt in again Matt, but as I work in a movie theatre, I must advise people to hold off seeing HP:GoF for at least a few days. Most theatre workers are coming off three days and four nights of double shifting just to keep up with the demand for the nearly three hour film. If you viewers put off seeing the movie until say Wednesday, the theater will be quieter, cleaner, and its staff will be more helpful. And the film won't get pushed to the slightly smaller theatres until Friday at the earliest. Sorry to barge in again M-Money... -Editor K. If the fantasy isn't your thing, it's worth the price of admission just to see the trailers for Superman Returns on the big screen. Of course if you can't wait that long... check this out.

Tune in next week. Same Matt time. Same Matt website.

Looking To The Stars: The Words Of Doom - A Review of The Fantastic Four Movie

Good day to you all, if indeed it can ever be considered “good” when you do not live under the watchful eye of Doom! Yes readers; it is I! Victor Von Doom. Here to deliver a special address.

No doubt some of you are wondering what happened to the “Looking to the Stars” column that usually runs upon Mondays in this digital periodical. Though most might wonder why you could think of anything else when one could read the writings of Doom, I will answer this query. For it amuses Doom to do so!

You see, the American who usually has his “writings” published in this magazine is currently busy with his studies for a Masters Degree. While Doom would normally commend the attempt of anyone to better themselves, Doom must scorn his seeking enlightenment from a University…particularly, an American University. The American Collegiate system is full of small, petty minds devoted to stifling individual achievement. T’would be better to find enlightenment on one’s own terms, as Doom did! But Doom digresses.

Many of you also are no doubt wondering why Doom would consent (some might say descend) to having his words of wisdom published in such a piece of “low literature”. A fair question; easily answered. Doom’s thoughts are high and heavy ones, but on occasion Doom sees fit to try and educate the great masses of the Earth in the hopes that general intelligence may gradually rise within the populace.

Of course it would be much faster for Doom to construct a device to instantly increase the intelligence of every human on Earth. But Doom knows well that the sudden shock of such enlightenment would prove far too disturbing for many of your feeble minds to handle. For now Doom must content himself with a slower, more gradual method of informing the world of Doom’s thoughts, bringing about slow changes until more are ready to embrace the changes that Doom has to offer.

With that said, we come to the purpose of Doom’s missive this day; the new “Fantastic Four” movie. To be exact, Doom wishes to discuss Doom’s portrayal in it!

Now, it should surprise no follower of Doom’s exploits that Doom felt this film was destined for failure as surely as if it were one of the accursed Reed Richard’s experiments! With the notorious short attention span of the American public coupled with the anti-Latverian slant of the American media, there seemed little doubt that this film would fail in capturing the awesome splendor that is Doom. Still, having obtained a preview screening of the film through bargains with demonic powers bearing names best not spoken by knowlessmen, Doom can say that even he was shocked at how badly the mark was missed. I give you then the following points.

1. The Origin Story

In the film, Doom is portrayed as a successful businessman whom the incompetent and desperately poor Reed Richards is forced to beg for help in order to test his theories. What few hopes Doom had were dashed within these first five minutes. For while it amused Doom greatly to think of Richards begging him for work… even as Doom reminisced of the many times Richards had begged for his life at Doom’s hands… the idea that Doom would ever consent to work with Richards, even with Richards as an underling… absurd!

To say nothing of Doom limiting himself as the head of a corporation and not striving to become the world leader it is Doom’s destiny to be! And the accident which granted Richards and his family their powers occurs upon Doom’s space station. Preposterous! Any space station of Doom’s design would have adequate shielding to protect against any form of theoretical radiation- unlike certain other scientists Doom could mention. And while a token mention is made of Doom’s glorious homeland of Latveria, the actor portraying Doom does not possess even the slightest hint of an accent. He also possessed a high, reedy voice… not the booming baritone that has made Doom famous as a public speaker!

2. The Power of Doom

Rather than being a self-made man of science and sorcery in this film, Doom acquires super-human powers through exposure to radiation. While Doom might have found this somewhat acceptable were the powers used as a substitute for Doom’s magical might – Doom understanding well the superstitious nature of Americans when confronted with magic and how many of your “educated” spiritual leaders go aflutter at the mention of a certain bespectacled teenager with a lighting-bolt scar – there is no mention made at all of Doom’s prowess as an inventor, master of robotics and creator of brilliant weaponry. Indeed, the film Doom is content to use simple heat-seeking missiles and liquid hydrogen pumps rather than, say, fitting the entire Baxter building with rockets and blasting it into the sun! And do not get Doom started upon the decision to portray Doom with metallic skin rather than his skillfully-created armor. Doom already has special plans for Warren Ellis, who fumbled up that “inspired” retelling.

3. The Love of Doom

There is a sub-plot to this film where the film Doom is romantically interested in Susan Storm. This is nearly as big a flight of fancy as Susan Storm being portrayed as a brilliant genetic engineer in Doom’s employ and not the glorified hausfrau of limited intelligence she truly is. Honestly, what woman possessing any degree of intelligence would stand by the foolish Richards? Doom would be a more stable father and a better provider. And those of you who thought just now of how Richards’ ability to stretch his body might hold the key to explaining why his marriage has lasted so long… be thankful Doom has yet to find time to finish building the device that can deliver electric shocks to the dirty-minded telepathically.

Remarkably, they did get the “Fantastic Four” themselves correct. Grimm is well portrayed as a simple common man, thrown to the winds by Richards’ incompetence. Jonathan’s character is very well acted, being shown off for the short-sighted and weak-willed hedonist that he is. Richards is portrayed as a helpless, hapless pretender, entirely dependent upon his team for protection. And as for Susan Storm…Doom finds that those who protest Jessica Alba’s portraying Susan Storm on the grounds of a Hispanic actress playing a decidedly Anglo-Saxon female are missing the bigger picture. There are many other non-racial reasons why Jessica Alba should not play the role of Susan Storm or indeed ANY role that does not require wild pelvic gyrations to loud music.

In short, this “Fantastic Four” film is unsurprisingly inept in capturing the truth and essence behind the glory that is Doom! Still, it would serve as a harmless diversion for two hours entertainment far better than this new “War of the Worlds” film. And to think I had once pondered bringing Steven Spielberg to Latveria in order to film a TRUE film about the life of Doom!

Alas, now I shall have to rebuild my time platform and procure Stanley Kubrick in order to obtain a suitable visionary to capture the essence of all that is Doom. In fact, I shall depart to do so this very moment! Fare well, people of the world. Know that the iron fist of Doom shall soon protect you all!

All the preceding thoughts were those of Dr. Victor Von Doom and to not necessarily reflect those of the staff of Comics Nexus. They especially do not reflect the opinions of “Starman” Matt Morrison, who rather liked the Fantastic Four movie and thought Jessica Alba did a good job.