Good day to you all, if indeed it can ever be considered “good” when you do not live under the watchful eye of Doom! Yes readers; it is I! Victor Von Doom. Here to deliver a special address.
No doubt some of you are wondering what happened to the “Looking to the Stars” column that usually runs upon Mondays in this digital periodical. Though most might wonder why you could think of anything else when one could read the writings of Doom, I will answer this query. For it amuses Doom to do so!
You see, the American who usually has his “writings” published in this magazine is currently busy with his studies for a Masters Degree. While Doom would normally commend the attempt of anyone to better themselves, Doom must scorn his seeking enlightenment from a University…particularly, an American University. The American Collegiate system is full of small, petty minds devoted to stifling individual achievement. T’would be better to find enlightenment on one’s own terms, as Doom did! But Doom digresses.
Many of you also are no doubt wondering why Doom would consent (some might say descend) to having his words of wisdom published in such a piece of “low literature”. A fair question; easily answered. Doom’s thoughts are high and heavy ones, but on occasion Doom sees fit to try and educate the great masses of the Earth in the hopes that general intelligence may gradually rise within the populace.
Of course it would be much faster for Doom to construct a device to instantly increase the intelligence of every human on Earth. But Doom knows well that the sudden shock of such enlightenment would prove far too disturbing for many of your feeble minds to handle. For now Doom must content himself with a slower, more gradual method of informing the world of Doom’s thoughts, bringing about slow changes until more are ready to embrace the changes that Doom has to offer.
With that said, we come to the purpose of Doom’s missive this day; the new “Fantastic Four” movie. To be exact, Doom wishes to discuss Doom’s portrayal in it!
Now, it should surprise no follower of Doom’s exploits that Doom felt this film was destined for failure as surely as if it were one of the accursed Reed Richard’s experiments! With the notorious short attention span of the American public coupled with the anti-Latverian slant of the American media, there seemed little doubt that this film would fail in capturing the awesome splendor that is Doom. Still, having obtained a preview screening of the film through bargains with demonic powers bearing names best not spoken by knowlessmen, Doom can say that even he was shocked at how badly the mark was missed. I give you then the following points.
1. The Origin Story
In the film, Doom is portrayed as a successful businessman whom the incompetent and desperately poor Reed Richards is forced to beg for help in order to test his theories. What few hopes Doom had were dashed within these first five minutes. For while it amused Doom greatly to think of Richards begging him for work… even as Doom reminisced of the many times Richards had begged for his life at Doom’s hands… the idea that Doom would ever consent to work with Richards, even with Richards as an underling… absurd!
To say nothing of Doom limiting himself as the head of a corporation and not striving to become the world leader it is Doom’s destiny to be! And the accident which granted Richards and his family their powers occurs upon Doom’s space station. Preposterous! Any space station of Doom’s design would have adequate shielding to protect against any form of theoretical radiation- unlike certain other scientists Doom could mention. And while a token mention is made of Doom’s glorious homeland of Latveria, the actor portraying Doom does not possess even the slightest hint of an accent. He also possessed a high, reedy voice… not the booming baritone that has made Doom famous as a public speaker!
2. The Power of Doom
Rather than being a self-made man of science and sorcery in this film, Doom acquires super-human powers through exposure to radiation. While Doom might have found this somewhat acceptable were the powers used as a substitute for Doom’s magical might – Doom understanding well the superstitious nature of Americans when confronted with magic and how many of your “educated” spiritual leaders go aflutter at the mention of a certain bespectacled teenager with a lighting-bolt scar – there is no mention made at all of Doom’s prowess as an inventor, master of robotics and creator of brilliant weaponry. Indeed, the film Doom is content to use simple heat-seeking missiles and liquid hydrogen pumps rather than, say, fitting the entire Baxter building with rockets and blasting it into the sun! And do not get Doom started upon the decision to portray Doom with metallic skin rather than his skillfully-created armor. Doom already has special plans for Warren Ellis, who fumbled up that “inspired” retelling.
3. The Love of Doom
There is a sub-plot to this film where the film Doom is romantically interested in Susan Storm. This is nearly as big a flight of fancy as Susan Storm being portrayed as a brilliant genetic engineer in Doom’s employ and not the glorified hausfrau of limited intelligence she truly is. Honestly, what woman possessing any degree of intelligence would stand by the foolish Richards? Doom would be a more stable father and a better provider. And those of you who thought just now of how Richards’ ability to stretch his body might hold the key to explaining why his marriage has lasted so long… be thankful Doom has yet to find time to finish building the device that can deliver electric shocks to the dirty-minded telepathically.
Remarkably, they did get the “Fantastic Four” themselves correct. Grimm is well portrayed as a simple common man, thrown to the winds by Richards’ incompetence. Jonathan’s character is very well acted, being shown off for the short-sighted and weak-willed hedonist that he is. Richards is portrayed as a helpless, hapless pretender, entirely dependent upon his team for protection. And as for Susan Storm…Doom finds that those who protest Jessica Alba’s portraying Susan Storm on the grounds of a Hispanic actress playing a decidedly Anglo-Saxon female are missing the bigger picture. There are many other non-racial reasons why Jessica Alba should not play the role of Susan Storm or indeed ANY role that does not require wild pelvic gyrations to loud music.
In short, this “Fantastic Four” film is unsurprisingly inept in capturing the truth and essence behind the glory that is Doom! Still, it would serve as a harmless diversion for two hours entertainment far better than this new “War of the Worlds” film. And to think I had once pondered bringing Steven Spielberg to Latveria in order to film a TRUE film about the life of Doom!
Alas, now I shall have to rebuild my time platform and procure Stanley Kubrick in order to obtain a suitable visionary to capture the essence of all that is Doom. In fact, I shall depart to do so this very moment! Fare well, people of the world. Know that the iron fist of Doom shall soon protect you all!
All the preceding thoughts were those of Dr. Victor Von Doom and to not necessarily reflect those of the staff of Comics Nexus. They especially do not reflect the opinions of “Starman” Matt Morrison, who rather liked the Fantastic Four movie and thought Jessica Alba did a good job.