Looking To The Stars: A Day In The Life...

Honestly, some of you people have no sense of humor.

Being a critic, I expect a little bit of negative feedback once in a while. But some of the things that have been said… its like some of you think I actively sit around thinking of people to piss off.

This is in fact, far from the case. Anytime I do speak ill of someone, it is only after a) after reading the work of an individual which I found unenjoyable or b) public statements of that individual offend some sensibility of mine. While “sitting around on your big fat ass” and “bringing down those more talented than you” would undoubtedly be a lot easier than my reading a lot of comics and keeping up on the news, I don’t play the game that way. Even though we know that a large number of critics achieved national prominence and in fact, got a lot of their own works published after they went around trash-talking all of the big-name writers of their day. Like… um… uh…..

Well, anyway… if I were to take the route of flaming my way to fame, you can bet I’d try to acquire attention by attacking a surprising target. I could say that all Neil Gaiman did for the industry was get more Goths into reading comics I could say Jim Lee isn’t really all that good of an artist. Heck, I could say that Jack Kirby wasn’t the single most influential artist in the history of comics and that Stan Lee is highly overrated and single-handedly tick-off the greater population of the fandom community in one bold stroke.

I could, at the very least, find better targets than most of the people writing for Image Comics and the guy responsible for the Jay Leno/Spider-Man team-up. ;)

Still, reading some of the accusations leveled at me, I can’t help but wonder what my life would be life if some of these statements were true. With that in mind, I present this little piece of fiction entitled: A Day In The Life Of “Starman” Matt Morrison.

6:00 am – Wake up.

6:01 am – Pull myself off the floor and get in bed.

10:33 am – Wake up again.

10:35 am to 11:12 am – Shower. Treat myself to hardy breakfast of partially thawed waffles, Ramen noodles and the leftover lager from the night before.

11:13 am – Stick a pin in the groin of the Voodoo doll of Judd Winick I keep next to my computer monitor.

11:14 am – Kneel, bow to New Jersey, and chant mantras in praise of Kevin Smith.

11:15 am – Sit down at the computer.

11:16 am to 12:34 pm – Spend time perusing free pornographic web sites while self-pleasuring myself.

12:35 pm – Quit self-indulgence as I discover that the last picture was of my sister.

12:36 pm to 1:27 pm – Read everything on the 411 Mania Website.

1:28 pm to 1:40 pm – Write a negative review of whatever book Jesse Baker liked the most this week.

1:41 pm to 2:01 pm – Write a positive review of whatever book George Gebhardt said was “Worst of the Week”.

2:02 pm – Begin trying to think of idea for the next “Looking To The Stars”.

2:23 pm to 2:28 pm –Take a five minute break to sulk about how untalented and funny I am compared to Peter David. Reflect on how I am a sad little man who will never know the touch of a woman.

3:02 pm – Grow tired of staring at blank screen. Decide to go out for a bit and look for inspiration.

3:24 pm – Arrive at “Big Willie’s Wine and Spirits”.

3:54 pm – Arrive at Denny’s parking lot.

3:57 pm – Leave Denny’s parking lot after discovering Rush Limbaugh already cleaned out my dealer.

4:14 pm – Return home. Make hardy drink combining Jack Daniels, Jim Bean, Peach Snapple and Cherry Nyquil.

4:15 pm - Prank call Wizard Magazine. Ask the answering machine if anyone there has seen Todd McFarlene’s balls lately.

4:16 pm – Begin composition of a seventeen-part epic poem about Spider-Man and how his troubled life paralleled that of America in the late 1900s.

4:33 pm – Give up.

4:34 pm – Begin composition of a thirty-four-part epic poem devoted to my old girlfriend from high school, who I haven’t talked to in five years.

5:16 pm – Make tearful phone call to ex-girlfriend, begging her to take me back.

5:17 pm – She refuses.

5:18 pm – Drive to rural part of town in search of an out of the way farm, where I can vent my frustrations.

7:23 pm – Bail is posted. Farmer agrees to drop charges so long as I pay $300 as a dowry for his prize sheep.

7:44 pm – Return home.

7:45 pm – Finish the rest of my new drink. Decide to call it the “Texas Muleshoe”. Write note to self to look into patenting it tomorrow.

7:46 pm to 9:09 pm – Read through severally poorly drawn and unfunny webcomics written by hacks who can’t get published by professionals.

9:10 pm to 9:36 pm– Write “Looking to the Stars” column about how these are the greatest writers and artists of the new generation. Decry professional publishers that let these people go ignored while certain unnamed hacks are allowed to make thousands of dollars.

9:37 pm – Go back and name all the unnamed hacks. Add numerological proof that Rob Liefield is the antichrist.

9:38 pm to 10 pm – Shower and change to go and dance the night away in some wild hotspot on the streets of Dallas.

10:32 pm – Arrive in the West End of Dallas.

10:47 pm – Am approached by a gorgeous blond in a tight dress.

10:48 pm – Notice that the dress is unusually tight in someplace where it should not be tight as well as her apparently suffering from a form of mumps that causes swelling in the neck.

10:49 pm – Promise to call my new friend after she can afford the surgery.

12:23 am – Find that my credit card has been denied by the bartender.

12:24 am – Using the Ford Prefect gambit, I offer a positive mention of the club in my writing in exchange for the waving of my bar tab.

12:25 am – Ponder how Douglas Adams has a lot to answer for as I pick two of my teeth off of the concrete.

1:04 am – Drive to emergency room.

2:07 am - Finally get some Oxycotin.

2:39 am – Return home.

2:40 am – Make myself another Texas Muleshoe

2:41 am – Fix another later dinner of partially thawed waffles and canned tomato soup.

2:53 am – Call Jim Lee and complain about how horrible the “Hulk” movie was before hanging up.

2:54 am – Realize that it was Ang Lee who directed the “Hulk” movie. Also remember I never actually SAW the “Hulk” movie.

2:55 am - Decide to make-up for it tomorrow by calling Ang Lee to complain about how he needs to do more monthly books.

2:56 am – Try calling ex-girlfriend back again.

2:57 am – Am threatened with bodily violence by her husband, who sounds half-asleep and groggy. Challenge him to a Jamacian stick fight. Consider myself the victor after he hangs up.

3:00 am – Turn on TV.

3:07 am – Call a phone number I see belonging to several young ladies who are looking for a hot guy to talk to.

3:09 am – Fall asleep as I am explaining the contents of the Texas Muleshoe to one of the young ladies, who keeps asking me to “press one for English”.

Tune in next week. Same Matt Time. Same Matt Website.

Spectacular Spider-Man #6 - A Review

Written by: Paul Jenkins
Penciled by: Humberto Ramos
Inked by: Wayne Faucher
Colored by: Studio F
Lettered by: Randy Gentle
Editor: John Miesegaes
Publisher: Marvel Comics


So much greatness and so little space to discuss it all. Still, we shall take it by the numbers and try.


1. Doctor Octopus is back!

Okay, so he never left and he did just get his own miniseries starting last month. But let’s not quibble. This is when we were meant to see the new “look” for Doctor Octupus and it is good. It’s funny, however, that despite the fact that Humberto Ramos is the one who created the look, I think I like it better as drawn by Staz Johnson in “Negative Exposure”. The look here, with the coat collar totally covering the good Doctor’s mouth, seems a bit odd and just “wrong”. Doc Ock has always been one for good maniacal expressions and it just seems so wrong to have his evil grin covered. Also, between the black coat, the mangaesque tentacles, the sunglasses glued to the eyes and the “I’ve missed you” introduction line, I can’t help but have Matrix flashbacks. Still, the writing of the character is dead on and Jenkins finds the perfect balance of subdued menace and detached, intellectual madness.


2. Mary Jane is back!

Not very important to the plot, but Mary Jane does make her first appearance in the Title and her first in Jenkins writing in years. I rejoice in this however, not only because Mary Jane being in the story and acting as a foil for Peter always improves the quality ten-fold, but because I will no longer have to explain why Peter is living on his own in one book and has MJ sleeping over every other night in another.

NOTE TO CONTINITY FANS: This story takes place after Amazing Spider-Man #50 of the current volume but before the most recent stories where it appears that Peter and Mary Jane are living together again. There. You have your precious timeline. Neener. Neener. Neener.


3. Jolly J. Jonah Jameson is back!

In what seems to be a throw-away scene (particularly considering Peter hasn’t worked for the Bugle in a while) we get a nice story about the man who could honestly be said to be Spider-Man’s worst enemy; J. Jonah Jameson. Still, considering the plans Doc Ock hints at in this issue, I don’t believe the quick cameo is a coincidence… though I could scarcely complain even if it were thrown in for a quick joke. The gag about “Alien Hitler Clone sighted in Manhattan sewer” is a classic and I will eat this comic if this joke gets developed into a scene involving Jolly Jonah painting himself green and calling Parker to come take his picture for the front page.


4. General greatness.

The on-going plot involving Flash Thompson’s injuries is expanded as we get another look at Peter’s neighbors. The usual amount of Spider-wisecracks is there along with some web-slinging, wall-crawling action. And Dock Ock is still there. With the tentacles and the menace and the evil and all that makes him the greatest villain in Spider-Man’s rogue’s gallery.

PS238 #4 - A Review

Written by: Aaron Williams
Penciled by: Aaron Williams
Inked by: Aaron Williams
Colored by: N/A
Lettered by: Aaron Williams
Editor: Aaron Williams
Publisher: Dorkstorm Press

Ah, the class field trip. An essential part of the American school experience as youths are taken into the real world to learn more about it. And it is no different at PS238, the exclusive school for the super-powered children of super-powered adults. Of course at this school, the typical field trip leads to some decidedly untypical places; in this case, the moon.

This is the brilliant conceit behind Aaron Williams’ PS238. On the one hand, it is a comic about kids trying to cope at school and it is all about the typical problems we all met when we were in school. But the typical concerns are turned on their head, as the equipment check for the trip includes radios, respirators, helmets and an in-flight demonstration on how to use the anti-gravity toilets.

On the other hand, this book is also a rather hilarious parody of some of our favorite superhero titles. The “team” for this book includes Captain Clarinet (son of this world’s Man of a very strong metal indeed.), the son of Emerald Gauntlet, Suzi Fusion (“Doctor Positron says my internal body temperature can melt lead!”), would-be world-conqueror Zodon and… Tyler, the non-powered black sheep of his parent’s family, currently apprenticing under the watchful eye of the Batman-esque Revenant.

Williams, who draws each issue as well as writing it, manages the neat trick of building serious drama even as he delivers some high quality laughs. This is in spite of Williams’ cartoonish drawing style which lends itself better to exaggerated expressions than depicting the darkness of space of the menace of an ice-breathing man-monster. (And I must say I love Zodon’s face as he finds out the school’s head technician snuck a tracking device onto his hover-chair.)

Excellent marks overall. A+, Mr. Williams. We expect your mother will put this work on the fridge door!

Thanos #2 - A Review

Written by: Jim Starlin
Penciled by: Jim Starlin
Inked by: Al Milgrom
Colored by: Christine Scheele & Heroic Age
Lettered by: Dave Sharpe
Editor: Tom Brevoort
Publisher: Marvel Comics


Thanos: Behold, reader… for I am Thanos! Once, I was a vile despot, despoiler of worlds and a subtle-as-a-starship-crash rip-off of Darkseid. Once, I did possess the Infinity Gauntlet and slaughter half the Universe. Once, I did possess infinite power and give it up to save this universe, the adventures of who’s inhabitants you are so pleased to read in your primitive, tree-shaved, four-colored, monthly-published periodicals. Once, I was…

Readers: Get on with it!

Thanos: Right. Indeed, once Thanos was quite the badass. But since saving the universe, I have realized the folly of my ways and intend to make restitution for my past misdeeds. Where I once destroyed, I shall build. Where I once took, I shall give. Where I once gave ponderous philosophical speeches that went nowhere, I shall now give more ponderous, philosophical speeches and hope that a point becomes apparent.

Warlock: And I for one plan to be there every step of the way.

Thanos: Adam Warlock? Do you not trust my reformation? Do you not believe that this Alpha Centurion Gransnat Beast can change his stripes?

Warlock: Not really. Though I will admit it would make you the first villain turned hero to get his own series who actually remained heroic throughout.

Thanos: Indeed! But I shall not object to your presence, in order to show my new agreeable disposition. Also, because this will allow us to get into many humorous situations, not unlike Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise in Rainman, but without the mental handicaps.

(In the blinking of a page, the two are on some random planet)

Thanos: And so you see Random Alien Leader, I had mended my ways and fully intend to use my awesome, though vaguely defined powers to aid you and your civilization when I once would have crushed it, slaughtered half of you and dedicated your lives to the spirit of ending itself.

Random Alien Leader: Well, why not?

Random Evil Alien General: No! I say that you are weak and insane to deal with the Mad Titan! We shall kill him and you and the one with the unnatural golden skin!

Warlock: Joan Rivers?

Random Evil Alien General: No! Kill them!

(Thanos, naturally, turns the tables.)

Thanos: Mr. Random Alien Leader… as a gesture of good will and proof of my intentions, I shall… in one stroke…. Improve the quality of your gene pool as well as regain you the loyalty of your armies.

Random Alien Leader: Amazing! And how do you plan to accomplish this with one stroke?

Thanos: By doing this!

(Thanos blasts the Random Evil Alien General into kibble)

Warlock: Have you yet to confront a problem that couldn’t be solved by blowing people up?

Thanos: Only a few, but I was able to blow up everyone who complained.


CUT TO: Starman’s Office:

Starman: Uh, hey folks. Just thought I’d note that the above conversation is only SLIGHTLY exaggerated for humorous effect. Now, back to the parody!


CUT TO: Random Alien World.

Warlock: Perhaps, if you are serious about turning over a new leaf, you might want to consider not racking up so high a body count.

Thanos: What bodies are there to count? He is now a pile of melting protoplasm and ashes! There’s not enough to fill an envelope!

Warlock: That is not my point! You cannot just kill everyone who you have a disagreement with.

Thanos: At the very least, I cannot kill you…. Yet. But come… with have problems to solve.


CUT TO: A Different Random Alien World.

Random Alien: This weird ship thingy seems to be hurting the planet.

Thanos: Indeed. I recognize it as a scout ship of Galactus, Devourer of Worlds and Maker of Fine Cheesecake.

Random Alien: Cheesecake?

Thanos: Indeed, though that title is rarely used and his is known more for devouring worlds than making his fine cheesecake.

Warlock: Is there anything we can do?

Thanos: Yes. Indeed, I swear now that by my oath as a reformed villain, which is currently worth about 1/20th of an Intergalactic Credit at this time, that Galactus shall die at my hands!

Warlock: Okay… remember what I said an hour ago about the sanctity of life?

Thanos: Yes. I thought I could talk more about it as I am blowing people up. Become a compassionate conservative, as the people of Earth call it.

Looking To The Stars: The Matrix - Revolting

First things first. If you haven’t seen The Matrix Revolutions and/or if you have not yet read any of Grant Morrison’s “The Invisibles” series and you plan to at any point in the near future, please do not read this column. SPOILERS ARE CONTAINED WITHIN!

There. Now. Where shall I begin?

I saw Matrix: Revolutions this weekend and the only comparison I can make is that I feel the same way about the original it as I do “Return of the Jedi”. Indeed, the Star Wars Trilogy and the Matrix Trilogy stack up almost perfect.

The first part of the trilogy? Stands up quite well on its’ own. A true classic.

The second part. Technically superior to the first in most regards. Expands the universe but ultimate a bit slower and more involving than the first part.

The third chapter? A lot of cheesy action with a bunch of plot twists that surprise no one but an ending that brings things full circle and ends things on a satisfactory, if bittersweet note. It’s the weakest of the three parts but is hardly bad. Just not as good.

And the comparisons between Matrix: Revolutions and Return of the Jedi don’t end there…

Plot Progression – Both movies open with a scene where the team must rescue one of their own (Neo vs. Han) who is in the hands of a character who is hostile, but not the main enemy. (Jabba the Hut vs. The Merovingian). They all go off, with the savior hero (Luke vs. Neo) going off to win the spiritual battle alone even as everyone else engages in the much larger epic battle between the masses of good vs. evil.

Thematic Progession – Man vs. Machine. Nature vs. Technology. Romance vs. Reason. Logic vs. Intuition. Ultimately, it is the same old themes.

Ultimately a War Movie- Throw out the scenes of Luke and the Emperor and throw out the scenes of Neo fighting Agent Smith. What do we have? Just your basic war movie. A very high tech, well-shot War Movie…with all the same stock characters. You have the excitable newbie, the grizzled-old soldier, the soldier with a sweetheart at home, the sweetheart herself…

Actually, to be honest the whole thing is a blatant rip-off of The Holy Trilogy. I’m amazed George Lucas hasn’t sued.

“Now wait a minute, Starman!” I hear you shout. Well, not you. Actually, I mean Ben Morse, who is standing behind me and reading over my shoulder as I write this. Anyway, Ben just said “Having the same clichés doesn’t mean that you can go accusing something of being a rip-off”.

Well, you know what? He’s right. The previous half-assed argument is not my own. This was the argument made by two random passersby of ye old shoppe of random fanboy bitching. They contend that The Matrix is irredeemable trash because of the way it shamelessly ripped off Star Wars. So what? The Matrix ripped off the works of Phillip K. Dick. And Greek mythology. And The Bible. And the teachings of Buddha. And a whole lot of other things besides.

As Albert Einstein once said, “creativity is learning how to hide your sources.” A bit cynical of the creative process but accurate in some cases. Let’s take Neil Gaiman, who is one of my favorite writers. Where would Neil be today if it weren’t for the vast mythologies and fairy tales of a thousand cultures fueling his own creative endeavors?

Perhaps he would be at his old job as a freelance writer, typing out reviews and interviews for some hack rag on the Internet, while getting frenzied e-mails from angry fans, asking for his qualifications to say that Chris Claremont is a tired old hack who should have retired with grace five years ago…No, wait. That’s where I am today!

(Just joking. I’ve never said Chris Claremont is a tired old hack. At least, I don’t think he is tired… and even is he is, he’s still more fun than Chuck Austen.)

My point is that our culture has a wide variety of sources that all writers draw upon. And if a character or a story seems familiar, it is because that character or story has been around a while and lasted because they are true to us. Take the scene in the Matrix, where Trinity, Morpheus and Seraph must journey into the realm of The Merovingian in order to rescue Neo. The whole scenario is rife with comparison to the Greek legend of Orpheus, who went into the underworld for the woman he loved. Of course the Matrix scenario has several differences- the sexes of captive and rescuer are switched and Trinity uses violent methods rather than persuasive ones to win her lover’s freedom, but it is very much the same ultimate story. If that is so, then the writers and directors of The Matrix deserve credit for having found a new way to tell some old stories in a new way. That, and for having advanced the effects technology enough that someday, God willing and hopefully with someone other than that guy from “Dude, Where’s My Car?”, we will have a Superman movie worthy of the name.

Nevertheless, having now seen the entirety of the Matrix Trilogy, I feel that I can weigh in with some authority on one of the more persistent rumors in the fan community, regarding the original Matrix. That is, that the movie was almost a wholesale rip-off of Grant Morrison’s “The Invisibles”.

As I said before, there is a common pool that all writers draw out of. But there does come a point where coincidence stops being coincidence. And I do believe that The Matrix crossed that line in the first film. And I don’t mean with the elements that are common place to superhero comics as a genre, like the names and renaming.

The adoption of a new name as you are born into a new life is a part of tribal culture as well as superheroism. So as Mr. Anderson becomes Neo and Dane becomes Jack Frost so did Bruce Wayne become Batman and certain Native American tribes have their young men go through a vision quest to earn an adult male name. Incidentally, one can have a fun afternoon tracking down the names of the characters to their symbolic function in the film. To spell out one of the easier connections, Morpheus is named for the god of dreams who watched over and protected sleepers in the dream world. (But you Sandman fans knew that already, eh?)

But certain other elements are too similar to not suspect an uncommon link between them. To parphrase Morpheus in the second Matrix film, “I do not see coincidence, I see plagiarism.”

1. The World and the Plot

The Invisibles – advanced beings from a different reality who use human beings as an source of psychic nourishment, ruling the world from the shadows. Our heroes are a rag-tag group of rebels using guerilla warfare and magical altering of reality in order to fight the system.

The Matrix- An alternate-reality generated by advanced machines who are using humanity as a power source. Our heroes are a rag-tag group of rebels using guerilla warfare and hacking the computer world in order to fight the system.

2. The Heroes

The Invisibles – A potential Messiah is rescued by a charismatic bald guy who wears sunglasses a lot, who slowly sets about teach said Messiah about how to use his untapped powers before letting him onto his team as a full partner. Said Messiah falls for the short-haired babe on the team and then constantly argues with the sassy Brazilian drag queen sorceress.

The Matrix – A potential Messiah is rescued by a charismatic bald guy who wears sunglasses a lot, who slowly sets about teaching said Messiah about how to use his untapped powers, before letting him into his team as a full partner. Said Messiah falls for the short-haired babe on the team and argues constantly with the sassy Brazilian drag queen sorceress.

(Okay, I’m just kidding about the Brazilian drag queen in The Matrix. Just making sure you’re still paying attention. Puckish sense of humor that I have…)

3. The Villains

The Invisibles- Major enemies are the Myrmidons (hostile, hive-minded agents who wear a variety of guises, some of them human others not) and the Lovecraftian Archons of the Outer Church.

The Matrix – Major enemies are The Agents (hostile hive-mind programs who can possess any body within The Matrix) and the squid-like, Lovecraftian Sentinel robots.

4. The Jump Scene

The Invisibles- Jack Frost is made to jump off a building so he can experience death as part of his training.

The Matrix – Neo is forced to fall off a building as part of his training.

And this is just what I can remember off the top of my head, folks. I highly recommend that you go and pick up some of The Invisibles trades. Even if you have little interest in conspiracy theories of films plagiarizing comics, I think you will find them well worth reading. And reading beats movies any day of the week. Ask anyone who read the Princess Bride book after seeing the movie and see which one they liked better.

Tune in next week. Same Matt Time. Same Matt Website.