Monday, November 17, 2003

Looking To The Stars: A Day In The Life...

Honestly, some of you people have no sense of humor.

Being a critic, I expect a little bit of negative feedback once in a while. But some of the things that have been said… its like some of you think I actively sit around thinking of people to piss off.

This is in fact, far from the case. Anytime I do speak ill of someone, it is only after a) after reading the work of an individual which I found unenjoyable or b) public statements of that individual offend some sensibility of mine. While “sitting around on your big fat ass” and “bringing down those more talented than you” would undoubtedly be a lot easier than my reading a lot of comics and keeping up on the news, I don’t play the game that way. Even though we know that a large number of critics achieved national prominence and in fact, got a lot of their own works published after they went around trash-talking all of the big-name writers of their day. Like… um… uh…..

Well, anyway… if I were to take the route of flaming my way to fame, you can bet I’d try to acquire attention by attacking a surprising target. I could say that all Neil Gaiman did for the industry was get more Goths into reading comics I could say Jim Lee isn’t really all that good of an artist. Heck, I could say that Jack Kirby wasn’t the single most influential artist in the history of comics and that Stan Lee is highly overrated and single-handedly tick-off the greater population of the fandom community in one bold stroke.

I could, at the very least, find better targets than most of the people writing for Image Comics and the guy responsible for the Jay Leno/Spider-Man team-up. ;)

Still, reading some of the accusations leveled at me, I can’t help but wonder what my life would be life if some of these statements were true. With that in mind, I present this little piece of fiction entitled: A Day In The Life Of “Starman” Matt Morrison.

6:00 am – Wake up.

6:01 am – Pull myself off the floor and get in bed.

10:33 am – Wake up again.

10:35 am to 11:12 am – Shower. Treat myself to hardy breakfast of partially thawed waffles, Ramen noodles and the leftover lager from the night before.

11:13 am – Stick a pin in the groin of the Voodoo doll of Judd Winick I keep next to my computer monitor.

11:14 am – Kneel, bow to New Jersey, and chant mantras in praise of Kevin Smith.

11:15 am – Sit down at the computer.

11:16 am to 12:34 pm – Spend time perusing free pornographic web sites while self-pleasuring myself.

12:35 pm – Quit self-indulgence as I discover that the last picture was of my sister.

12:36 pm to 1:27 pm – Read everything on the 411 Mania Website.

1:28 pm to 1:40 pm – Write a negative review of whatever book Jesse Baker liked the most this week.

1:41 pm to 2:01 pm – Write a positive review of whatever book George Gebhardt said was “Worst of the Week”.

2:02 pm – Begin trying to think of idea for the next “Looking To The Stars”.

2:23 pm to 2:28 pm –Take a five minute break to sulk about how untalented and funny I am compared to Peter David. Reflect on how I am a sad little man who will never know the touch of a woman.

3:02 pm – Grow tired of staring at blank screen. Decide to go out for a bit and look for inspiration.

3:24 pm – Arrive at “Big Willie’s Wine and Spirits”.

3:54 pm – Arrive at Denny’s parking lot.

3:57 pm – Leave Denny’s parking lot after discovering Rush Limbaugh already cleaned out my dealer.

4:14 pm – Return home. Make hardy drink combining Jack Daniels, Jim Bean, Peach Snapple and Cherry Nyquil.

4:15 pm - Prank call Wizard Magazine. Ask the answering machine if anyone there has seen Todd McFarlene’s balls lately.

4:16 pm – Begin composition of a seventeen-part epic poem about Spider-Man and how his troubled life paralleled that of America in the late 1900s.

4:33 pm – Give up.

4:34 pm – Begin composition of a thirty-four-part epic poem devoted to my old girlfriend from high school, who I haven’t talked to in five years.

5:16 pm – Make tearful phone call to ex-girlfriend, begging her to take me back.

5:17 pm – She refuses.

5:18 pm – Drive to rural part of town in search of an out of the way farm, where I can vent my frustrations.

7:23 pm – Bail is posted. Farmer agrees to drop charges so long as I pay $300 as a dowry for his prize sheep.

7:44 pm – Return home.

7:45 pm – Finish the rest of my new drink. Decide to call it the “Texas Muleshoe”. Write note to self to look into patenting it tomorrow.

7:46 pm to 9:09 pm – Read through severally poorly drawn and unfunny webcomics written by hacks who can’t get published by professionals.

9:10 pm to 9:36 pm– Write “Looking to the Stars” column about how these are the greatest writers and artists of the new generation. Decry professional publishers that let these people go ignored while certain unnamed hacks are allowed to make thousands of dollars.

9:37 pm – Go back and name all the unnamed hacks. Add numerological proof that Rob Liefield is the antichrist.

9:38 pm to 10 pm – Shower and change to go and dance the night away in some wild hotspot on the streets of Dallas.

10:32 pm – Arrive in the West End of Dallas.

10:47 pm – Am approached by a gorgeous blond in a tight dress.

10:48 pm – Notice that the dress is unusually tight in someplace where it should not be tight as well as her apparently suffering from a form of mumps that causes swelling in the neck.

10:49 pm – Promise to call my new friend after she can afford the surgery.

12:23 am – Find that my credit card has been denied by the bartender.

12:24 am – Using the Ford Prefect gambit, I offer a positive mention of the club in my writing in exchange for the waving of my bar tab.

12:25 am – Ponder how Douglas Adams has a lot to answer for as I pick two of my teeth off of the concrete.

1:04 am – Drive to emergency room.

2:07 am - Finally get some Oxycotin.

2:39 am – Return home.

2:40 am – Make myself another Texas Muleshoe

2:41 am – Fix another later dinner of partially thawed waffles and canned tomato soup.

2:53 am – Call Jim Lee and complain about how horrible the “Hulk” movie was before hanging up.

2:54 am – Realize that it was Ang Lee who directed the “Hulk” movie. Also remember I never actually SAW the “Hulk” movie.

2:55 am - Decide to make-up for it tomorrow by calling Ang Lee to complain about how he needs to do more monthly books.

2:56 am – Try calling ex-girlfriend back again.

2:57 am – Am threatened with bodily violence by her husband, who sounds half-asleep and groggy. Challenge him to a Jamacian stick fight. Consider myself the victor after he hangs up.

3:00 am – Turn on TV.

3:07 am – Call a phone number I see belonging to several young ladies who are looking for a hot guy to talk to.

3:09 am – Fall asleep as I am explaining the contents of the Texas Muleshoe to one of the young ladies, who keeps asking me to “press one for English”.

Tune in next week. Same Matt Time. Same Matt Website.

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