Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 12-15

Want to read the latest big crossovers but lack the patience to sort through tons of tie-ins or the time to read them all?  Let us sum it up for you with our Abridged Versions.


SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.

Spider-Man: So here I am in a mystic city.  For some reason, I'm overseeing Hope's training in the mystic arts of kung fu even though I have no martial arts training and I'm a man of science.  I mean, it's not like I have a bond to a mystic avatar of some lost spider god or something.

Hope: I wish I was out there with the team, trying to free the rest of the Avengers.  I feel so useless here.

I feel that way sometimes too.  But sometimes you have to trust that your moment will come and just do what you can with what you have until that time comes...

The most in-character Peter has been written since One More Day.

Suddenly, a portal opens!  Several beat-up Avengers emerge.

Spider-Man: Did we save anyone?

Captain America:
No, in fact even more of us got captured.  Even Thor!

Not Thor!

CUT TO: Siberia. 

Colossus and Magik are dangling Thor over an active volcano while several X-Men watch.

Okay - they are TOTALLY being taken over by the Phoenix.

Storm: Agreed.  Namor trying to destroy an entire country is just an average Tuesday.  But Peter playing death games is far too out of character even in a story like this.  You all go into hiding.  I will speak to my husband and let him know that not all the X-Men support The Phoenix Four.

CUT TO: Ethiopia

White Queen: Scott, I asked you to meet me here at the most deserted place on Earth because I think I'm losing control of the Phoenix.  I can read minds without thinking about it now.  I've been looking at so many minds.  I can even sense the Avengers and where Hope is, though they're hidden behind the mystic barriers of the sacred city of K'un Lun.  I'm scared of what I might wind up doing, Scott.  I could end this all now and just kill them all and I think part of me wants to.  Do you know what this means?

Cyclops: Yes.  We can go get Hope back from those jerks in The Avengers!

Cyclops flies off leaving White Queen to mutter to herself.

CUT TO: Wakanda.

Black Panther: You shouldn't be here, Ororo.  I've declared all X-Men enemies of the state.

These are still my people, T'Challa.  I would help my husband rebuild our home.

Black Panther:
Alas, the High Priest has annulled our marriage, so you have no home here.

But.. you're the High Priest of your state religion.

Black Panther: Yes.  King Henry VIII of England drew inspiration from my ancestor in recreating his own country.  So now I have taken inspiration from him. 

Storm: Well, before you cut my head off you may wish to hear what I have to say about where a certain collection of prisoners is being kept.

CUT TO:  Siberia.

Captain America: Are we sure this isn't a trap?

Wolverine: Storm wouldn't sell us out.  What the - Chuck?

Professor X: Yes, Logan.  I am here to help too.  I can use my telepathy to find the captured Avengers in the hellish maze that awaits us.  It seems that Magik has brought a portion of Limbo to Earth and has set it between where our friends are and where we now stand.

Doctor Strange: I shall use a spell of invisibility to mask us from the demonic underlings!

They try and sneak through the hellish maze.  It does not go well.

Demon #1: Hey... do you smell a party of epic-level adventurers close by?

Demon #2: Yeah.  Heh.  Looks like their wizard forgot that we have ways of tracking them even if they are invisible.  What a rube!

The Demons, Colossus and Magik easily dominate the battle.  Off to one side, Spider-Man looks at the cave and notices that one careful kick could collapse the whole thing.

Spider-Man: Tell Hope I meant what I said.

Iron Fist: Huh?  What?

Spider-Man: Never mind, it - wait, what are you doing here?  Shouldn't you be overseeing Hope's training?

Iron Fist: I thought that's what you were doing?

Spider-Man: *sigh* Never mind just... get everyone out.  I'll hold them off! 

Spider-Man gets the crap kicked out of him but he keeps trying to get up.

Stay down.

Can't do it.

Quit wasting time holding back, Peter.  Just finish him off!

Don't tell me what to do, little sister.

Don't treat me like a baby!

Woah!  Kids!  Time-out!  You're siblings.  You should work together.  After all, if one of you fell after coming to blows, we all know what would happen...

 Magik and Colossus eye each other.


CUT TO: One Earth-Shattering FA-BOOM Later...

Spider-Man: Right.  Good news I tricked them into blowing one another up.  First law of superheroics - two super-powered people in costumes will start beating each other senseless given a reason to disagree.
Captain America: And the bad news?

Professor X: Scott and Emma are now twice as powerful.


SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.

Cyclops: Hope, you're coming with me.

Iron Man: No, she isn't!

Iron Man gets his ass kicked by Cyclops.

CUT TO: Siberia

Captain America:
You should come with us, Professor.

Professor X:
No.  I've turned my back on my people for long enough.  I let all of them - even Ororo - choose the wrong side.

Storm: Professor, I am standing right here.  It is very strange, your talking about me as if I weren't here.

Professor X:
Anyway, Captain - Emma and Scott have fallen.  I must ensure that Mutantkind does not fall with them.

CUT TO: Utopia - Home of the X-Men

Magneto: Emma, I think this is going too far. Sure, I enjoy forcing people to bow before me and sing my praisesWho doesn't?  But-

White Queen: Aren't you forgetting something, Erik?  Like your helmet that blocks telepathic attacks?

Magneto: ... crap.

Magneto gets mind-tasered and collapses.

CUT TO: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.

Cyclops: Hope, I'm not here to hurt you!

Thor: Lies and chicanery!  Avengers, have at him!

Thor and a bunch of other injured Avengers get their asses kicked by Cyclops.

Suddenly, Hope and Lei Kung The Thunderer show up on the back of a big red dragon.  This is Shao Lao - the source of the Iron Fist energy.  It breathes green energy on Cyclops, which actually hurts him.

Iron Man: What the - why didn't anybody tell me we had dragons?  Shouldn't we have used them sooner?

Cyclops fights back and brings the dragon down.

Cyclops: That won't happen again, creature.

Lei Kung: You would kill a wounded animal?  You would hurt a little girl?  Where is your honor, Cyclops?

Cyclops: Seriously?  The wounded animal is a mystic beast.  The "little girl" is a 15 year old power mimic who looks like she's at least ten years older than that the way she's being drawn right now.  And I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to a lecture about "honor" from someone who allies himself with the people who broke into my home and beat up my students.  Twice!  Now, come along.

Hope: Stay back! 

As Hope shouts, green energy shoots out of her mouth and wounds Cyclops.

Hope: What the - I copied the dragon!  How did I do that?

Scarlet Witch: It doesn't matter.  I will finish this!

Scarlet Witch uses Chaos Blast!  It isn't very effective!

Cyclops: Nice try, but I'm too powerful for that now.

Hope: Stop this!  Go away! 

Hope Uses Chaos Fist!  It is super effective! 

Hope: What did I just do?  Where did Cyclops go?

CUT TO: The Moon

Cyclops lies in a smoking crater.

Cyclops: Ow.

The Watcher: Get off my lawn, you kids!

CUT TO: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.

Captain America: What happened while we were out? 

Iron Man: Hope kicked Cyclops's ass!  And I think I know how.  But the explanation will have to wait for an issue.


Captain America: Okay. So to recap, all of The Avengers are suddenly healed now.  Somehow.  And I talked the Hulk into joining us.

Professor X: While I have gathered most of my X-Men who had given up on Utopia and persuaded them to fight on your side in the coming battle.

Spider-Man: So... your entire plan is just to throw everybody at the Phoenix Two and hope we can win?

Captain America: Yes!  It can't fail!

Spider-Man: Didn't we just discover something about Hope?  And The Iron Fist?  And Scarlett Witch?  And mixing them together?  Or did I just imagine all that?  Shouldn't we utilize them in some fashion?

Captain America: No!  Just throw C-listers at them until they get bored and make a big speech then bring in the heavy guns!  That's The Avengers way.

Spider-Man: So, Professor - any chance the X-Men are recruiting? 

The Avengers/X-Men Alliance go to Utopia.  It does not go well, even with Magneto joining the fight alongside Professor X.

Professor X: I'm sorry, Scott.  I did fail you.  I shouldn't have hidden away from the world.

Get out of my head!

Captain America:
Scott Summers, you are under arrest for crimes against humanity!

... what crimes?  You know what - to hell with it.  You want me to be the bad guy?  Fine.  I'm sorry, Emma.

White Queen:  Sorry?  Whatever f-

Cyclops blasts White Queen.

White Queen:
You son of a -ugggggh.

Professor X:
Scott, please stop this.

Cyclops blasts Professor X.

Professor X:
Ack!  I am slain!

Cyclops: I am Phoenix!

SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun -Three Days Earlier

Iron Man: So, Wanda went crazy and used her powers to change the world with her chaos magic.  Twice.  And the second time she got rid of most of the mutants.  But then The Phoenix came and it created Hope.  The last mutant.  So you have these two forces... like Yin and Yang... the order of The Phoenix and the chaos magic Wanda uses.  Well, at the moment.

Captain America: Tony, have you been drinking again?

Iron Man: Better!  I've found faith!! And I think if we can get Hope and Wanda to work together, we can fight The Phoenix!  Now, what we'll do is throw all the C-Listers at the Phoenix, like usual.  But we're really going to have a real plan the whole time! 

CUT TO: Utopia.  Now.

Cyclops kicks everyone's asses even as the heroes scatter around the world and fight him in multiple places at once.  Cyclops still kicks all the ass there is to be kicked.  

Cyclops: Throwing all the other heroes at me at once?  I thought you'd have come up with a different plan if not a better once.

We did!

Iron Man:
You see, if Wanda uses her chaos magic against the Phoenix and Hope copies Wanda's powers and MIXES it with her Iron Fist training....

Spider-Man: Wait, wait, wait... so you're mixing some kind of magic that I thought we agreed didn't exist and getting a mutant who copies other mutant's powers to copy that... somehow... and then channeling that through magical punches?  That doesn't make a bit of sense!

Iron Man:
It doesn't have to!  We have faith! 

The Phoenix Energy flows out of Cyclops as Scarlet Witch and Hope punch him. 


The Phoenix Energy suddenly flows into Hope.

Everyone: Noooooooooo!

Hope: It's okay.  I can use it now.  I can fix all this.

Scarlet Witch: No, Hope.  WE can fix all this.  Say it with me.

Hope: Oh, okay.

No more Phoenix!

Energy washes over the Earth.  We get a montage of scenes of people around the earth suddenly manifesting powers.

Hey guys!  I'm in China!  This girl just grew wings!  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  Also, how did I get to China?  Hello? 

CUT TO: A Prison Cell.  Sometime Later.

Cyclops: I don't remember anything past a certain point but I remember enough.  I nearly destroyed the world and I killed Charles Xavier.

Captain America: Among other things.

Cyclops: Well, I'll take full responsibility for all of it.  But everyone else deserve mercy.

Captain America: You're not in a position to ask for anything.  Emma Frost, Colossus, Magneto?  They all have to answer for what they've done.

Cyclops: Magneto?  He was fighting for you at the end.

Captain America: Was he?  Oh well... the point is that I get that The Phoenix was responsible for most of it.  And I admit that you had a point about my not doing enough to help Mutants in the past.  But that changes now.

Cyclops: Well, good.  I guess this is a happy ending for us both then.

Captain America: Don't you dare try and call this a win!

Cyclops: How can I not?  I was right about Hope and The Phoenix the whole time, wasn't I?

Captain America: Well, yes...

And if you or Logan had gotten your way earlier, The Phoenix would have killed us all, right? 

Captain America:

And if it hadn't been for you all getting involved in our business in the first place without bothering to consult me or even try talk to me like a civilized person and offer to help rather than storming in with your gleaming jackboots, saying "we're taking your adopted daughter and this isn't a request..." 

Captain America: Okay, okay.  But you still killed your spiritual father and one of the finest men I've ever known.

Yes, and I regret that and would trade places with him if I could.  But there's mutants again.  And everything we did as the Phoenix Five - all the power plants and farm land and fresh water?  That's still standing, right?

Captain America: Uh... there's no reason why they shouldn't be.  Damnit, this IS a win for you, isn't it?

Cyclops: Hate to say I told you so...

Captain America: No you don't!

Cyclops: No, I don't.

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