Monday, June 24, 2013

Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 1-5

Want to read the latest big crossovers but lack the patience to sort through tons of tie-ins or the time to read them all?  Let us sum it up for you with our Abridged Versions.


SCENE: The Planet Birj 

Nova: In the name of the Nova Corps, I swear I came here to warn your planet of impending doom!

Terrax: I, Terrax - former herald of Galactus - care little for what you lame Green Lantern rip-offs say.  I shall stay and fight this world-destroying menace you speak of.

Nova: Fine.  I'm going to Earth to get some more commercially viable characters to do something about this.

Terrax: Terrax is commercially viable!  Indeed, I have a part in Guardians of the Galaxy!

Nova: Big deal.  So does Yondu.

Terrax: Who?

Nova: Exactly.

Nova flies off to Earth just seconds before The Phoenix Force destroys Terrax and The Planet Birj.  Jim Starlin writes an angry letter to the Marvel home office, which is promptly ignored.


SCENE: Washington D.C. 

Bwahaha!  AIM rules!

M.O.D.O.K. gets ready to fire his evil science gun.  It suddenly misfires.

M.O.D.O.K.: What?  Something random and unfortunate happened to me?  Who is responsible for this?!

Scarlet Witch: Me.  I'm here to stop you.

M.O.D.O.K.: What the - I thought your powers didn't work like that anymore?!  Aren't you some bad-ass reality warper who got rid of most of the mutants on Earth with a single spell? 

Scarlet Witch: Eh, I think it's down to whoever is writing me at the time.  Either way, I can still kick your ass.

Ms. Marvel: Mind if I join in the ass-kicking?

Spider Woman:
Me too!
The Three Heroines beat up M.O.D.O.K. and his AIM mooks.

Ms. Marvel: Good to see you back in action, Wanda

Scarlet Witch: Thanks, Carol. But I should be going. 

Ms. Marvel: No!  You totally should come by The Avengers Mansion and say hi to all the guys! 

Scarlet Witch: I don't think that's a good idea.

They go to The Avengers Mansion.  It is not a good idea.

Vision: Carol, what on Earth made you think I had any desire to see the ex-wife who turned me into a mindless weapon to be used against my friends?  Or that she had any desire to see me and be reminded of why she is no longer a part of our team and a pariah among both the superhero and mutant communities?

Carol: Umm... because we needed to explain why Wanda isn't part of The Avengers anymore and is an outcast among the mutants to all the people who haven't read a Marvel Comic in years and this clumsy, awkward scene that makes me look like a clueless bimbo at best and an emotionally insensitive bitch at worst was the easiest way to accomplish that?

Vision: That does seem logical.

Carol: Dammit!  If anyone needs me, I'll be with Kelly Sue Deconnick figuring out how to retcon this in my book.  Or, at the very least, getting me out of this thong leotard and into a costume with actual pants.

Wanda: And I'll just go somewhere else until I'm needed to become a Deus Ex Machina.  Again.


SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.

Cyclops: Hope!  You are too precious to be going off at night risking your life as a vigilante!

Hope: You're not my dad!  And all appearances to the contrary, despite the artist drawing me as being the spitting image of Jean Grey despite being only 15 years old in this chapter, I'm not your dead wife!

Cyclops: That has nothing to do with why I'm so protective of you!  Even though I've given you a costume that's the exact same color scheme as Jean's!  I'm protective because, as you well know, you are the Mutant Messiah - the last mutant child born on this planet, with amazing powers to manipulate the X-Gene and copy the powers of the mutants around you that we can only begin to understand

Hope: Nice exposition!  But you left out the bit about how you're pretty sure I'm going to become a conduit for some giant cosmic fire-bird called The Phoenix.

Cyclops: Who told you about The Phoenix?

Hope: Why didn't you tell me about The Phoenix?

Cyclops: Well, I didn't think you were ready, but okay.  Hope, there comes a time in every red-haired mutant girl's life, when...

Hope: Gah!  Forget it!  I'm going out.

Hope copies Cyclops' powers and knocks him out with a blast of her own energy blast vision despite it being well established that Cyclops is immune to his own powers.  That's why his blasts don't rip his eyelids to shreds.  She then flies to the mainland with a stolen jet pack.  

No.  Really.

Hope: Looks like a bunch of bad guys are robbing that bank  I must stop them!  For justice!

Serpent Society:
Hey!  It's a teenage girl.  Let's kill her!

Before you do that I have to know, are any of you mutants?

Puff Adder:
I am.   

Hope: Oh good.  Because my power only works on mutants.  Otherwise I'm just an ordinary teenage girl.  But I probably shouldn't tell you bad guys that.

Cyclops and White Queen show up just in time to find Hope beating the unconscious forms of the Serpent Society. 

Cyclops: Hope!  Stop it! 

Hope: Fine.  But I'm not going to lose control when The Phoenix comes for me, like how I lost control of my temper now.

Cyclops: I know.  You're special.  You're going to save us all.

White Queen: Or kill us all.

Cyclops: Either way, you're still special.

White Queen: ... not helping, Scott.


SCENE: Some Unnamed Alien Planet. 

Some Unnamed Alien Planet is blown up by The Phoenix.   It takes all of three pages.

CUT TO: New York City

Thor: Zounds!  Some object is falling from the heavens at great speed!  Avengers Assemble!

Captain America:  Wait!  That's no falling object!  That's Nova!

Ms. Marvel: Who?

Captain America: You know?  The Green Lantern rip-off?

Iron Man: I thought that was Quasar?

Captain America: No, the OTHER Green Lantern rip-off. 

CUT TO: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.

Cyclops: You aren't training hard enough, Hope!  You must be ready to fight the humans who want to take away your powers and have the means to do it!

Hope: What the hell?!  Why are you training me so hard now?  Last chapter, you didn't even want me fighting!  Why is it so important I train?

Cyclops:  Don't question me!


Hope suddenly bursts into flame, sets Cyclops on fire and sends Cyclops flying.

Hope: What just happened?  What's happening to me?!

White Queen: It looks like you just manifested The Phoenix Force.  Wait... didn't we discuss this last issue?  Why are you confused?

CUT TO: Washington D.C.

Iron Man:
And basically that's it, Mr. President.  Nova told us that The Phoenix is coming.  Our readings have confirmed that as well as the fact that several planets have already been destroyed by The Phoenix. 

Mr. President: So what does that mean, Mr. Stark?

Captain America:
What it means, Mr. President, is that a big world-threatening crossover event is coming.  But this time we want to make sure The Avengers are represented.  That's why I'm seeking out an expert on this Phoenix Force who can tell us what to expect!

CUT TO: Upstate New York - The Jean Grey School For Higher Learning

Wolverine: It's a giant fire bird.  It killed Jean Grey and brought her back.  A few times.  It was kind of a big deal.   

Captain America: Fascinating.  Do we know where it's going? 

Wolverine: All the mutants do.  For some reason.  There's this teenage girl we figured The Phoenix would come for some day.

Captain America: For some reason?

Wolverine: Yep.  Mostly because she looks just like Jean and there's some prophecy or something.  I was busy with something when they were talking about it.  Think I was fighting ninjas in my own book.  Or maybe it was during that mini-series...

Captain America: Will you and your students help me in the fight to come?

Wolverine: No.  I built this school to keep these kids from fighting.

Captain America: That's a shame.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to beat up Cyclops before this is over.

Wolverine: Well, when you put it that way, I'm due for some vacation time.  And I won't even charge you my usual crossover appearance fee.


CUT TO: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.

Cyclops: So as you all know, it's my belief that The Phoenix is returning to Earth to save The Mutant Race, which has been diminished to 200 people - give or take - and that Hope will be the new Phoenix host.

Namor: Why?

Cyclops: The Phoenix is a force of destruction AND creation and we're way overdue for some creating.

Magneto: In other words, you're making a completely unjustified leap of faith.

Cyclops: Pretty much.  Hey, Captain America's here.

Captain America: Yes, and Logan's told me about this teenage girl you have that you think is going to be the next Phoenix host.  We need to take her into protective custody.

Cyclops: Since when do you get involved in our storylines?

Captain America: Since when do you believe in prophecies?  I thought you were a cool, logical leader who didn't trust to luck?

Cyclops: Well, I thought YOU looked for the good in everyone and trusted people enough to speak directly to them about your concerns instead of getting second-hand information from the ex-assassin who tried to break up my marriage and split the Mutant community!

Captain America: Are we throwing down then?

Cyclops: I guess so.

Cyclops blasts Captain America.

Captain America:  Right.  AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

The SHIELD Helicarrier decloaks as The Avengers swarm Utopia.

Cyclops: Oh crap.


SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.

All hell breaks loose as the X-Men begin to fight back against the invading Avengers.  This is the closest we get to seeing any of the battles promised in the advertising leading up to this event, though we don't get to see most of the battles promised and none of them last for more than a few panels at a time.

Also, none of the fighting takes place in Paris. 
Wolverine:  Much as I'd love to join Cap in slapping Slim around, I've got to end this the only way I know how - kill Hope.

Hope: You can try.

Hope catches on fire.

Oh crap!

Hope sets Wolverine on fire and runs away.

CUT TO: Space.  The Final Frontier.

A group of Avengers hovers in space.

Here it comes, Avengers!  Make ready for battle!

Beast: The power level of The Phoenix is off the charts! 

Vision: Should that truly be surprising to you?  Haven't you studied the Phoenix more than any other scientist on Earth?

Beast: Well, yes.  But haven't you ever heard of dramatic tension?

Ms. Marvel: Here it comes!

Thor: Methinks this be a mighty cliff hanger!

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