Here's the archive of all the sarcasm and commentary I made on Twitter as the show played.
0:03: Rusty? Heh! Heh! NOT A ROBOT!
0:09: At this point, I'm pretty much watching this just to find out what's the deal with Coulson.
0:12: I got the Big Lebowski joke!
0:17: I'm calling it now - Skrull cattle.
0:18: Okay. Fine. Chitairo cattle. Geez...
0:22:Waiting for the dancing alien to jump out of his head and start singing "Ragtime Gal".
0:26: I really hope Coulson is describing Valhalla and not Heaven. Thor knows he earned a seat there.
0:34: Simmons, the Wednesday Adams look doesn't work on you. Sorry.
0:37: "I wish it was some super-powered socoiopath." You and me both, man.
0:42: THRILL as they move petri dishes around!
0:45:Would it be tasteless for me to start singing Freefalling by Tom Petty at this point?
0:51: Hey, physics geeks! Do a shot for every law that's being violated by this sequence!