Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 6-8

Want to read the latest big crossovers but lack the patience to sort through tons of tie-ins or the time to read them all?  Let us sum it up for you with our Abridged Versions.


SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.

Wolverine, nearly burned beyond all recognition, suddenly sits up screaming. 

Spider-Man: Good morning to you too, Crispy Critter.

Wolverine: What happened?

Spider-Man: You were going to kill Hope.  She set you on fire and ran for it.

Wolverine: That's right... starting to remember now...

Wolverine: You were a REAL big help during that fight...

Spider-Man: Uh, I'll handle the sarcasm, thank you.

Wolverine: So what happened after that?

Spider-Man: Well, after they found out Hope ran off, all the X-Men surrendered.  Right now they're all on the Hellicarrier.  I think Cap and Tony are still trying to figure out what to do with them.

Wolverine: Oh hell....

Spider-Man: What?

Wolverine: Didn't you see Avengers?

Spider-Man: Of course.

Wolverine: What's the only reason anyone ever surrenders themselves into SHIELD custody? 

Spider-Man: .. like a great man squid once said, It's a trap!

CUT TO:The Deck Of The SHIELD Hellicarrier

Captain America: I don't care if the UN does recognize them as a sovereign nation -

Iron Man: Which they don't.  Cap, I agree with you.  But they haven't broken any laws!

Captain America: That doesn't mean we can't lock them up so they're out of the way while we find this Phoenix Girl.

Iron Man:  I'm sorry... am I talking to Steve Rogers or John Walker?  Because the Captain America I know would never advocate locking up people who hadn't committed a crime.  And I can't tell you how much it scares me that it's ME having to point this out to you!

Dr. Strange suddenly appears, carrying Magik.  He hovers next to Cyclops.

Dr. Strange:  Hey, Scott!  Here's Magik - safe and sound.  I have her in a holding spell.  Nothing to worry about.

Wolverine: HEY!

Cyclops: Oh crap. Magik!  Backdoor!

The X-Men all disappear as "Magik" turns into Dr. Strange.

Captain America: What the -?

Dr. Strange: I'm sorry, Steve.  She overwhelmed me when I followed her into her realm.  The illusion spell masked us both until she was in position to teleport herself and her comrades away.

Captain America:
Wait?  So the only reason they surrendered...

Wolverine: ... was to get all their leaders in one place so they could escape at the same time!

CUT TO: Long Beach

Cyclops: Nice job, Magik. Now, to think of a plan.

Magneto: That grand escape wasn't part of a plan?

Cyclops: No, believe it or not I'm just making it up as we go along.  I suppose we should try and win allies among all the X-Men who were teamed up with Logan, now that the US Government and The Avengers have turned on Mrutantkind.  And we should probably try and get a hold of his Cerebra unit so we can track down Hope.

White Queen: Do you think she's alright? 

Cyclops: Are you kidding?  She's probably besides herself!  Poor girl just got run out of the only home she's ever known.  And she's never been out on her own before.  She's probably hiding somewhere, waiting for us to find her.

CUT TO: An Electronics Shop In San Francisco.

Hope works on some metal device that straps on to her wrist.

Hope: There!  A working Pip-Boy 3000!  Now, to program on the Wristlojackimator app!

CUT TO: Avengers Tower, Manhattan Island.

Wolverine is on the phone with Rachel "Phoenix" Summers while Captain America listens in.

Wolverine: What do you mean she's in five places at once?

Rachel Summers: Just that.  Her energy signature is in five different locations - all of them hard to get to.  I can't get Cerebra to narrow it down further than that.  

Captain America: We need better than that!  If we don't find that girl before The Phoenix gets here, the entire planet is doomed!

Rachel Summers: That's a slight exaggeration, isn't it?  I mean, I've been tapping into the Phoenix Force for years -

Captain America hangs up the phone.

Wolverine: What the hell, Steve? 

Captain America: I don't have time for words, Logan!  We've wasted enough time talking!  And I don't listen to killers.  Now,where is it we're sending our people to look for this girl?

Wolverine: Wundagore Mountain, Latveria, Tabula Rasa, Wakunda and... The Savage Land?  Don't we need to contact the UN to get approval to go into some of these places?  Or at least call ahead?

Captain America: No time!  Avengers Assemble!

Wolverine: Huh.  How did I become the calm, reasonable one?

CUT TO: Upstate New York - The Jean Grey School For Higher Learning

Rachel Summers (telepathically): Scott, can you hear me?

Cyclops (telepathically):
Yep.  Got something for me?

Rachel Summers (telepathically): Yeah, but you'd better hurry.  The Avengers are already on the move.  So, when we find Hope, do you want me to talk to her?  Because I could totally use my experience...

Cyclops (telepathically): Ring Ring!  Oh, sorry, Rachel. I have Emma on the other line.

Rachel Summers (telepathically): ... did you really just think the words "Ring Ring" at me?

Cyclops (telepathically): Dammit, Emma!  Cut me out now!  Now!

CUT TO: Avengers Quinjet, En Route to The Savage Land

Captain America:
Let's talk, Logan.  Alone.  Out on the loading dock.

Uh... okay.  About what?

Captain America: About you trying to kill this girl.  About you not following orders.  About how I don't think I can trust you.  You're sitting this one out. 

Wolverine: Bit late to be talking about this when I'm already here, ain't it?  Besides, you weren't there!  You weren't there to see what happened to Jean! You may think you can lock this girl up somewhere but you can't! 

Captain America: Damn it!  I didn't want it to come to this, but you're not listening!

Captain America tries to punch Wolverine.  A fight breaks out.

Wolverine: You can't win this alone, Cap.

Captain America: I think I can... but I don't have to.

Giant Man sneaks up behind Wolverine and smacks him across the back of the head.

Wolverine: Gah!  Why didn't I smell-

Captain America smacks Wolverine across the face with his shield.

Captain America: Now, Sharon! 

Sharon Carter opens the bay doors.  Wolverine is sucked out of the plane and falls into the Antarctic wasteland.

Wolverine: Not again!


SCENE: Antarctica. 

A polar bear crawls toward a beer can.  We eventually see that it is Wolverine, wearing the bear's carcass as a coat/shelter.  This is simultaneously badass and stupid.

Wolverine sees another can, following the trail of beer cans to a jet.

Hello, Logan.

Wolverine: Goodbye, Hope.  SNIKT!

Hope: Wait!  You can't kill me!

Wolverine: If you think I'll spare you just because you brought me beer.... wait, how did you get beer?

Hope: Where did you get a bear skin?  We're in the Antarctic!  There's no polar bears here!

Wolverine: I'm asking the questions, here girlie!

Hope: Okay, fine.  I have a fake ID.  Seriously, I show up in a stolen plane and your first question is how I got beer?

Wolverine: Fair enough.   Listen, you don't ask about the bear skin, I don't ask questions about the plane OR how the hell you found me and I'll give you one minute to give me a reason not to kill you.

CUT TO: Space.  The Final Frontier.

Thor: Zounds!  That cliff-hanger was so long it skipped an entire issue!

Beast: Yes, we're still here!  And - oh dear - so is The Phoenix!

The Phoenix blows everyone up.  Thor watches helplessly as The Phoenix devours another planet.

Thor: Methinks... we could have planned that better... ugh....

CUT TO: Antarctica 

Wolverine: Clock is ticking.

Hope: I think I can control the Phoenix.

Wolverine: I know you can't.

Hope: But don't I deserve the chance to try in case you're wrong?  Look, you help me get off the planet and I'll let you kill me if it turns out The Phoenix is more than I can handle.

Wolverine: Okay.  Fine.  It will take the length of a flight for this beer to thaw anyway.

CUT TO: A Former Hellfire Club Safe House.

Cyclops: Have you found her yet, Emma?  What do you see?

White Queen:
Our people fighting their people,Scott.  It's really quite tedious.

We're treated to one page for each of the five locations Hope's signal has been detected.  Everyone is fighting everyone else, but we don't actually get to see the result of any of these fights except Captain America knocking Gambit out with one punch.

White Queen:
I'm just going to listen to Captain Amercia's thoughts.  Once he knows where she is, we'll know.

Captain America (over phone):
Have you got The Phoenix Killer done yet, Tony?

Iron Man (over phone): Working on it.  Good news is Beast, Reed, T'Challa and even Hank Pym think this will work.

Captain America (over phone): Even Hank Pym.  That's cute.

Iron Man: I am Irony Man.

Captain America (over phone):  Hold on, Tony.  Please contact all the other teams and tell them to head back to base.  We know where the girl is going!

White Queen: They found her!

CUT TO: The Blue Area Of The Moon

Wolverine: Good thing I knew about an AIM base with a rocket that was launching today.

Hope: I know.  That was lucky!

Captain America: Well, this is where your luck ends, little lady.

Hope: What the - Logan, you sold me out!

Wolverine: I promised to get you off-planet.  That's as far as it goes, kid.  You can't handle this.

Hope: So you're going to just hand me over to the people who left you for dead in Antarctica?

Wolverine:  Hey, yeah!

Wolverine is blasted by Cyclops, who shows up along with White Queen, Colossus, Namor and Magik.

Cyclops: I miss doing that.  But this this is no time for nostalgia.  Hope, you're coming with us.

Captain America:
Like fun she is!

Hope: Look!  The Phoenix is here! 

Everyone: Oh crap!


SCENE: The Blue Zone Of The Moon

All Hell Breaks Loose as The Phoenix latches on to Hope as everyone fights everyone else. 

 Hope: No!  I can't contain it!  Logan... kill me!

... I'll try!


Cyclops blasts Wolverine again as Iron Man arrives piloting what looks like a Transformer with Iron Man's color scheme. 

Iron Man:
Alright!  Let's do this!  Woo-hoo!

Quick montage of The Avengers looking on dumbfounded, a man who isn't a Vorlon saying "And so it begins again...", Professor X getting a headache along with his son and Scarlet Witch losing control of her powers.  Then Iron Man flies his new suit right through The Phoenix as everything explodes.  Again.

Iron Man: Hey, Steve!  Did it work?  I couldn't see anything through the flash of light!

Captain America: Uh... maybe?

Captain America looks up to see five figures on fire.  It is Cyclops, White Queen, Namor, Magik and Colossus in new versions of their costumes. 

Cyclops: I hate to say I told you so, Captain-

Captain America: No, you don't!

Cyclops: You're right.  I don't.  In fact, I love it.  But we were right.  The gift of The Phoenix was meant for her.  Not us.  You people did something... to it.  And now she... now WE are The Phoenix.

Captain America: Dammit, Tony!

Iron Man: In my defense, it's probably totally Hank Pym's fault.

Giant Man: Hey!

The Phoenix Five: It matters not.  Now we shall take her home to heal.  And then we shall heal the world.  We will evolve society and build a better tomorrow.

Captain America: Dammit, quit talking like hippies!  Besides, the young lady has made her decision and she stays with us.

Technically, her decision was for me to kill her.

Captain America: Shut up, Logan!

Wolverine: Hey, Tony?  Are we sure he isn't a Skrull?

The Phoenix Five take off and fly for Earth.

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