Sunday, January 15, 2012

Skyrim: A Journal of War - Chapter Seventeen: Nice Day To Start Again...

From The Saga Of Matthias The Bather; Written by Sven

And so it came to pass that Matthias did return to Riften, with the sword of Mjoll called The Lioness...

Me: I have recovered your sword, Grimsever.
Mjoll: Astonishing. To think you actually were able to reach it and yet return to tell the tale.
Me: Yes, well... it was quite dangerous.
Mjoll: To think... you, a small, scrawny outlander were able to succeed where many great warriors lost their lives!
Ah, well it was noth-
Mjoll: I mean, look at you! A weasely little man who reeks like a sewer were able to accomplish what stronger, more capable men...
Me: Hey!
Mjoll: Oh, I am sorry. Clearly I underestimated you and I have a lot to learn about adventuring. I would be honored to fight by your side, were you to allow it.
Me: Oh, I'm sure you would be.
Mjoll: *blushing a bit* In fact... I... ah... would be even more honored if you would consider marrying me.
Me: WHAT?!
Mjoll: That is why you are wearing the Amulet of Mara, is it not? You are expressing your desire to seek a mate?
Me: Oh, is that what this is? I just found this amulet... somewhere and thought it looked nice.
Mjoll: So you are not interested in marrying me?
Me: I never said that!
Mjoll: Oh, wonderful! I'll have Aerin go tell them to prepare the temple of Mara for us. Of course these things do take time to set up... so we'll meet there in a day!
Me: ... great! See you in a day... my love.

I have a bad feeling about this.
Me: You have a bad feeling about everything. And I've just about had it with your negative attitude. Can't you just be happy for me?
Lydia: I am sorry, my Thane. But this seems rather sudden, even for one of your short attention span.
Me: What? This is still going according to plan. True, I didn't count on her falling head-over-heels in love with me... but this can totally work to our advantage. After all, the Defender of Riften can hardly spend her time trying to thwart the Thieves' Guild if she's off adventuring with her beloved. Or tending to his estate in Whiterun.
Lydia: Even so, this seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through just to make things easier on your co-workers.
Me: Well, let it not be said I'm not willing to make sacrifices for the team. Besides, there are other considerations at play.
Lydia: Such as?
Me: Such as that sweet valkyrie ass. You could bounce gold pieces off of that woman's rump!
Lydia: *sighs*


Mjoll: This is a fine wedding, Matthias. And to think it's all for us.
Me: Yes, my darling. This will be a day to remember, for sure.
Mjoll: I know we should probably wait until after the ceremony but... oh, I can't wait! I want you to move in with me and Aerin. Unless you'd rather we come live with you?
Me: We?
Mjoll: Well, I can't leave Aerin by himself. He follows me like a lost puppy.
Me: Yes, I noticed he's sort of standing there in the back... not taking a seat like all the other guests... just starring at you.
Mjoll: Yes, well.. that is his way. But we can discuss that later. It looks like the priests are ready to begin...

Maramal: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today...


Maramal: And that is why now, whenever a young bride asks me "What are Mara's opinions on fellatio?", I say "Well, I'd LIKE to tell you..."


Maramal: ...when loving lovers love, when loving love on wings of gold. In loving love we fly above. Their love is such a soft and precious love. It's love.


Maramal: And loving lovers love as loving lovers love. Golden. Shimmering. Lustrous. Llvely. Loving, Loving love. So yeah... that's it. You're married.
Me: By the Nine Divines I thought that would never end!
Mjoll: May the rest of our life together feel as eternal.
Me: Well put.
Mjoll: Well, thank you, my love. Now let us go back to my home and we can discuss a few things...
Me: Of course. We'll just step outside, bid fair well to our guests and... BY THE NINE!

Courier: Yeah, got this note for you.
Me: By the loins of Mara, where are your clothes, man?
Courier: You'll have to ask your bride about that.
Me: Mjoll?
Mjoll: Ah.. well, things MIGHT have gotten a little out of hand at my bachelorette party last night.
Me: You had a bachelorette party?
Mjoll: Well, I had a few drinks and there was a stripper.
Courier: Stripper, nothing! This crazy bitch ripped my clothes off while I was trying to get a drink last night!
Me: *sighs* Just give me your message and I'll give you a generous tip so you can buy some new pants.
Courier: Great. *passes over a note*
Me: Who is this from, anyway? A well-wisher on the day of my wedding?
Courier: Don't know. Creepy fella, black robe. Couldn't see his face. Paid me a pretty sum to get that into your hands, though.
Me: He paid you a pretty sum and you STILL haven't gone to buy new clothes yet?
Courier: Listen, pal. I don't tell you how to do your demeaning job.
Me: Right, right, right... Well, let's see who this is from...

Me: *hoarse whisper* ... the symbol of The Dark Brotherhood...
Mjoll: My love? Is something wrong? Your jaw seems to have frozen open.
Me: Oh, it's nothing, dear. Just got caught up in a yawn this news was so boring. So, listen... about our plans to move far, far away from here?

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