Thursday, January 19, 2012

Skyrim: A Journal of War - Chapter Nineteen: Cleaning House, Literally and Metaphorically

From The Saga Of Matthias The Bather; Written by Sven

With his training complete, Matthis and Mjoll did journey to Whiterun, where they had decided to make their home...

Me: Here we are, beloved!
Mjoll: Oh, it is a grand home! It will be a fine place to rest between adventures. Still, I think I will open a small shop while you are away dealing with Dragonborn business. I don't want to get bored.
Me: Well, I don't know how much chance you'll have to get bored. The Jarl would probably welcome another sword to deal with things around here. But I think that Lydia will appreciate the company. At least she will when she gets back... curious that she isn't here.
Mjoll: So we have the entire house to ourselves, eh?
Me: So it seems.
Mjoll: Just you and me... husband and wife?
Me: What... are you suggesting?
Mjoll: Come upstairs and I will show you...
Me: It's good to be the Thane!


Me: Owwww, my head. Feeling woozy... vision blurry. Honey, as good as that felt I think maybe we should hold off on doing it more than five times in one night...
Astrid: I'm sure it was a wonderful evening, but the way you're feeling has less to do with the stamina of your warrior woman bride and more to do with the poison leaving your system.

Me: Huh? Who are you...?
Astrid: My name isn't important. What is important is that I know what you did to Gerlod The Kind.

Me: You know about that?!
Astrid: Half of Skyrim knows. Old hag gets butchered in her own orphanage? Things like that tend to get around.
I put an arrow in her head. That's hardly butchering!
Astrid: Oh, I'm not criticizing the death, believe me. She was a horrible person and everyone knew it. They just refused to do anything about it. Saving those orphans from an evil mistress? Good story. Makes a body feel good to hear it...
I don't like where this conversation is going...

Astrid: As well you shouldn't. The thing of it is... that Aretino boy was trying to contact The Dark Brotherhood... me and my associates.
Me: I knew it!
Astrid: And while your killing was fair and just, the fact of the matter is you still stole a contract from us.
Me: Here it comes...
Astrid: We are owed a death. And we shall have a death tonight. Whether or not it is yours shall be your choice.
Me: Wait for it...
Astrid: Behind you are three people. Two of them are innocents. One of them has been contracted to die. You must use your skills to determine which is the one to die.
Me: *dead pan* No. Please. Stop. You are mad. I cannot have anything to do with the death of innocents. I want no part of this.
Astrid: You shall not leave this place until someone lies dead.
Me: You're sure that's how this has to be?
Astrid: Yes!


Me: Ha! You'd think an assassin would have seen a sneak attack like that coming. Or that they'd be smart enough to take my bow away. Ah well... that's why Thieves rule and Assassins drool. And speaking of thieving, let's take a look at this fancy, faintly glowing black armor...

Victim 1: Hello? Can you take this bag off my head now?
Victim 2: Yeah! My bag smells funny!
Victim 3: I threw up in my bag!
Me: Rejoice! You are free now, my fat and greasy citizens!
Victim 2: Oh thank you! Thank you! I promise I won't tell anyone about this!
Me: What? But I want you to tell people about this. Tell any who will listen that you were saved from assassins by Matthias The Dragonborn. Thane of Whiterun. Slayer of Dragons. Beater of Ass.
Victim 1 : Whatever. Just let me out of here.
Me: No, there's no need to thank me. Rush home to your loved ones and reassure them that as long as their is ass that needs kicking, the Dragonborn is ... hey! Wait a minute! What about my loved ones? Mjoll is probably worried sick... assuming the assassins didn't kill her getting to me! By Talos' loincloth, I must hurry home!


Me: Mjoll! Darling! Are you - WHAT FRESH OBLIVION IS THIS?!?!

Mjoll: Oh, dearest! I was just cooking dinner!
Me: You're cooking dinner in your underwear?
Mjoll: I didn't think you would mind. You certainly didn't object to me walking around in less last night.
Me: Yes, but... you're cooking dinner in your underwear with HIM here?
Aerin: I don't see a problem.
Mjoll: Nor do I. Aerin and I lived together for some time before I wed you. You think he has not seen me so before? Or in less when he was healing my wounds?
Me: ... yes, but.... that was then. And now we're... in OUR home.
Mjoll: Aha! So the man who saved my life is not welcome in OUR home?
Me: I never said that.
Aerin: I just came to visit and keep her company while you were gone.
Me: I've been gone less than a day! How did you get word that she was alone so quickly?
Aerin: I just happened to be in town.
Me: A likely story! You just happened to come all the way here from Riften?
Mjoll: Oh? And just where have you been all day... beloved?
Me: I was kidnapped by the leader of The Dark Brotherhood!
Mjoll: Oh really?
Me: Yes! I just barely got away with my life.
Aerin: A likely story! As if any assassin could get in here and steal you away while my Lioness was sleeping beside you.
Me: YOUR Lioness?
Mjoll: Boys, please! That's enough!
Me: Agreed. Mjoll, can we go talk outside for a moment?
Mjoll: Certainly.

Me: Mjoll, I'm trying to be understanding about your and Aerin's special bond but... what the? You didn't even put a robe on?!
It's the middle of the night and we're on the porch. Nobody can see us.
Belethor: Hi Matthias!
Me: Son of a... Hi Belethor.
Belethor: Is this your new bride? Niiiiiiiice. I could make you a good offer for her.
Me: Not. Now.
Belethor: I could even trade you my sister for her, if I had a sister...
Me: NOT... EVER...
Alright, alright. Do come back...

Me: *sighs* Now, as I was saying...
Aerin: Are you done? Mjoll was supposed to be teaching me about swordplay later.
Me: ... was she?
Mjoll: Oh yes. I've tried to teach him some basics, but I keep having to correct his grip. Many is the night I've had to stand close, my arms around him... my hands on his...
Me: Yeeeeeeeeeeeees. Well, I'm afraid that won't be possible.
Aerin: Oh?
Me: Yes. You see, I came out here to ask Mjoll to
come with me and deal with the rest of The Dark Brotherhood. You're welcome to stay here though, Aerin. I mean, they do know where I live. And having just killed their leader, I'm sure they're itching for revenge. But I'm sure it will be safe since only a total idiot would stay in his own home after killing the leader of The Guild of Assassins. Especially since they already know where he lives. So knowing I'm not an idiot, they probably won't come back here looking for me.
Aerin: Aha... yesssssss. But I really must be heading home to Riften. That city won't cleanse itself of evil. Especially with Mjoll gone, now.
Me: Yes, yes. Much to do, I'm sure. Safe journey and all that.
Mjoll: Yes, safe journey Aerin! Well, beloved... shall we be on our way?
Me: Ah... not just yet, dear. Why don't you wait here while I run a quick errand?
Mjoll: A quick errand? At this hour?
Me: Ah-ha-ha.... yesssss. The Drunken Huntsman - finest store for archers in town. They're also a tavern. I need to get some new arrows.
Mjoll: Well, alright beloved... but don't take too long. And don't sneak any drinks while you are there.
Me: Oh, no dear... no drinks! I'll hurry as fast as I can!

*run run run*

*sneak sneak sneak*


*loot loot loot*

Me: Scratch one home-wrecker. And hey - now I really DO need more arrows!

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