Thursday, December 1, 2011

Skyrim: A Journal of War - Chapter Nine: The Quickest Way To A Man's Heart (Through His Chest, With A Dagger)

With no shops opening until dawn, I went to the one place a wanderer can always count on being open - the local pub. It was then that I was reminded of a certain mission I'd agreed to take on for a certain lady, who was looking like my best chance of getting laid.

Me: Excuse me, but are you Mikael the Bard?
Mikael: Aye, I am! Perhaps you've come to learn the bardic arts? There's a whole college up in Solitude where they teach the arts. Song. Lute-playing. Poetry.
Me: That's not why I'm here.
Mikael: Uh-oh. You have a sister?
Me: No.
Me: No.
Mikael: Wife?
Me: No.
Mikael: In my cups, did i mistake you for a woman and propose marriage?
Me: No.
Mikael: Did I propose something else?
Me: No.
Mikael: Then what do you want with me?
Me: You know a woman named Carlotta?
Mikael: I know of her.
Me: Quit trying to get into her pants. She's not amused, anymore.
Mikael: Bah. I know I can win her over!
Me: (Speech 30) No, you can't. And trying to do it over and over just makes you look desperate in front of the other wenches.
Mikael: Huh. I hadn't thought of that. Very well, I'll leave her alone. I just didn't want it to be said that there was a Nord woman alive that Mikael The Bard couldn't tame.
Me: And how many Nord women have you tamed so far?
Mikael: ... nearly one.

As I moved away from the sad, pathetic bard, I noticed a red-haired woman in full-plate watching from the next table over, chuckling at the display.

Uthgerd: Nicely done, though I would have preferred to see you bloody his face a bit, first.
Me: Well, I thought it best to save that honor for the ladies he bothered.
Ha! Well spoken. I am Uthgerd, called The Unbroken.
Me: I am called Matthias, called The Sexecutioner.
Uthgerd: Indeed. Want to hear a little Nord wisdom? You don't really know a woman til you've had a strong drink and a fistfight with her.

Me: Is that why you're here? Seeking a man who can prove your better in combat so that you can offer yourself to him as a prize?
Uthgerd: What a stupid idea! No, I'm here because those stupid Companions won't accept me.
Me: They don't want you in the Whores Guild?
Uthgerd: No! The great guild of fighters!
Me: You mean The Champions?
Uthgerd: No! They are The Companions!
Me: I'm pretty sure they are The Champions.
Uthgerd: I know damn well what groups won't take me and it is The Companions!
Me: You mean The Whore Guild?

If Uthgerd had had a strong drink or two early in the night, it certainly didn't impede her ability to fight. But I've had to fight my way out of many a bar and the day I can't win a fist fight with a half-drunk valkyrie will probably be the day I die.

Had enough?
Uthgerd: Indeed. No man has ever punched me like that. I feel a great respect for you, Matthias.
Me: This isn't going to get weird, is it, with you getting all obsessed with me, is it?
Uthgerd: No. But I would like to see how you handle a few trolls now. If you ever need a blade to serve you, I will answer your call.
Me: Well, I do have this quest I need to go on. And I don't have anyone to accompany me.
You have me, milord.
Me: Correction. I don't have anyone to accompany me who is good for something besides carrying my loot.
Uthgerd: Just let me know when and I will follow you anywhere.
Me: Awesome.

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