Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Flash: Rebirth #1 - A Humorous Summary

I did think about trying to do a redub of this, in the same style as Green Arrow/Black Canary #1 Redeux... but given that The Powers That Be have been a lot stricter about slapping whole comics on-line of late, I'm not willing to chance it even with the US of A's parody laws behind me.

Besides, it's much faster for me to just write a summary. :)

SPOILERS - of a sort - Behind The Cuts!

SCENE: Central City. Police Headquarters. Forensic Lab.

CROOKED COP: Fix this evidence!

HONEST COP: But this evidence proves this man is innocent!

CROOKED COP: This is how we do things in Central City.




UNSEEN VILLAIN (V/O): Barry Allen was a simple man who saw everything in black and white. But he's wrong. This began with him and it will end with him. Because everyone is guilty. Death is not the end. Lighting always strikes twice. Haste makes waste. A stitch in time saves nine. Never trust a smiling lawyer. Great taste, less filling. Oh, and I brought Barry Allen back from the dead. To make him suffer. Somehow.

SCENE: Central City. A Big Honking Parade In Honor Of The Flash.

LINDA PARK (V/O): Everyone is overjoyed at the news that the original Flash... well, the one from Central City, not the WWII one... is alive. And everyone is also happy, although not as happy as they are about the original Flash being alive, that Kid Flash... the 2nd one, who was briefly The Flash for about a week... is also apparently alive. And apparently has gone back to being Kid Flash. How? Who knows! But everyone is happy... except maybe the super villains.

SCENE: Gorilla City. Probably.

GORILLA GRODD: I'm not happy!

SCENE: Seedy Bar in Central City. Or possibly Keystone City. A bunch of supervillains are sitting around.

MIRROR MASTER: We're going to need a bigger boat.

SCENE: A broken-down room. Probably in Central City.

ABRA KADABRA: Look. I'm holding a Flash puppet. Behold the goofy Silver-Age shot-out, fanboys!

SCENE: A different broken-down room. This one is full of books.

DOCTOR ALCHEMY: You have no idea who I am, do you?

SCENE: The Flash Museum.

TICKET LADY: Sorry about the line. Did you wait long?

UNSEEN MAN: An eternity.

TICKET LADY: Have you been to the museum before?

UNSEEN MAN: You could say that.

TICKET LADY: Then welcome back. We're open until five today.

UNSEEN MAN: Thanks, but I won't be staying that long.


UNSEEN MAN: You might say I'll be leaving quickly.

TICKET LADY: You're holding up the line, sir.

UNSEEN MAN: In fact, you could say I'd be out of here like...

TICKET LADY: Yes, we all got the hint, Mr. Allen. Now move along.

SCENE: JSA Headquarters. Everyone is getting ready for a 'Welcome Back Barry' party.

JAY GARRICK: Barry is much cooler than I am. And he made me The Flash.

STARGIRL: But... you were the original. You inspired him!

JAY GARRICK: Yeah, but Barry saved me and my hometown after a bunch of villains - including The Shade - trapped us in time...

Somewhere in The Real World

JAMES ROBINSON: Why did I suddenly get a headache?

SCENE: JSA Headquarters.

JAY GARRICK: ... so in that sense, Barry inspired me to become a hero again.

ALAN SCOTT: And that inspired me to become a hero again.

TED GRANT: Yeah. None of us old timers would have come back if it hadn't been for Barry.

Somewhere Else in The Real World

GEOFF JOHNS: Heh heh. See what I did there? Cause you know - if it hadn't been for Barry Allen back in the 1950's - hardly anyone would remember those lame Golden Age heroes at all today.

Somewhere in The Real World

JAMES ROBINSON: Urge to kill... rising.

Titans Headquarters

WALLY WEST: Barry was an awesome mentor.

ROY HARPER: Yeah. He was a lot better than Ollie, who tried to teach me to care about stuff.

DONNA TROY: And he was better than Diana, who just told me to stay away from boys and kept giving me scrolls by Sappho.

DICK GRAYSON: Wait... I thought you were her sister and she never had you as a sidekick now?

DONNA TROY: I don't know, anymore. I'm so confused...

WALLY'S KID 1: I hate you!

WALLY'S KID 2: I hate you more!

WALLY WEST: Wow, being father of two kids with superpowers is tough.

ROY HARPER: No kidding. I have to share custody with a genocidal assassin and *I* pity you.

WALLY WEST: I know. I never thought I'd miss Bart.

Teen Titans Headquarters

BART ALLEN: What the! You guys are holding a welcome back party for me?

TIM DRAKE: Well... actually, everyone else split to meet your grandfather.

BART ALLEN: Oh, that is WEAK! Doesn't anyone care that I'm alive again?

CASSIE SANDSMARK: Honestly? No. Your grandfather sacrificed himself to save the Multiverse. You got taken down like a punk by a bunch of guys in their jammies.

BART ALLEN: Yeah, well... how come he's so great if he's not really dead anymore? Kinda hard to be a universe-saving martyr if you're not actually dead, isn't it? It's kinda cheap.

Somewhere Else In Real Life.

GEOFF JOHNS: Heh-heh. See how clever I am? Making a character the voice of the fanboys who are sure to be upset about what's happening in this story?

DWAYNE MCDUFFIE: Oh yeah. That's REAL clever and original. I'm certain that will really buy you some sympathy from the fans.

Iris West-Allen's home in Central City

IRIS WEST-ALLEN: Oh, my husband's back and my grandson's back and everything is wonderful!



DETECTIVE FRYE: Hello, Iris. You probably don't remember me but neither does most of the audience. I'm Barry's former boss. I know he's back and logically I know he's The Flash. And I need his help with a murder.

The Flash Museum

BARRY ALLEN: Yes, it was me before in that line! I know you're all so surprised! And you're just as surprised as I am that I'm alive. But not as surprised I am by the people around me with cel-phones!

HAL JORDAN: You know, given that you've only been gone maybe 6 years tops in the adjusted timeline, cel-phones shouldn't shock you THAT much.

BARRY ALLEN (V/O): I didn't like Hal when we first met. He was reckless, stared at women too much and laughed whenever he was about to die. But then I found out he was a cop and that completely excused him being a misogynistic madman.

HAL JORDAN: I'm glad you missed the Dark Age.

BARRY ALLEN: Yeah. So how many more kids has Ollie lead astray?

HAL JORDAN: Just one. Well, more than that honestly but everyone seems to be trying to forget about Connor.


HAL JORDAN: Exactly. So why are you alive again?

BARRY ALLEN: You aren't interested in the How?

HAL JORDAN: Eh... I figured it just kinda happened like it did with me and Ollie. So why are you here?

BARRY ALLEN: Learning. Looking at the exhibits. Finding out what villains are out there. Because there's something specific I was supposed to come back to do though I'm not sure what it is yet. But I know I won't be staying.

HAL JORDAN: Man, YOU are back. Trust me. Once that Johns kid gets his hooks into you, you'll never be able to rest. Trust me. You are alive.

Cut To:
Fallville, Iowa.

No. we don't know where it is either. But there's a lot of corn.

BOY IN CORNFIELD: It smells like burning rubber! What is it?

OTHER BOY IN CORNFIELD: I dunno but I think it's dead.

The boys poke at a still-smoldering skeleton, which is wearing a blackened Flash costume.

We still don't know where Fallville is, but apparently they don't have TV, Newspapers or Internet access because it is home to the only two boys in the world who haven't heard of The Flash, much less the wonderful news about how The Flash is not dead!

The Flash Museum

HAL JORDAN: You're alive. We should party.

BARRY ALLEN: No I'm not. I need to run. Tell everyone I'm sorry I didn't make the parties. I can't be late.

HAL JORDAN: Why? What do you need to do that's more important?

BARRY ALLEN: Whatever the world needs me for. I can never be late again. Splash-page ahoy!

Barry Allen changes into costume and runs away very quickly.

HAL JORDAN: Man... why did I miss that dick?

BARRY ALLEN: There's only one open case I ever left behind and it didn't matter to anyone but me. I remember it like it was a flashback...

OTHER KID: You'll never outrun me, Barry! You're so slow!

YOUNG BARRY: I don't like racing!

Somewhere Else In Real Life.

GEOFF JOHNS: Oh, the irony! Aren't I just the cleverest writer ever? And you know what else would be clever and original? If we arranged a tragic death of a close family member in order to make Barry's life even more dramatically ironic!

The Flashback

Police cars swarm around the Allen household. Barry's mom is dead in a pool of blood. Barry's father is being taken away in handcuffs. Barry tries to chase after the cop car but... he is too slow.

Wherever Barry is Running at the moment.

BARRY ALLEN: I still see that cop car in front of me... and I still can't catch it.

SAVITAR: Free! Free at last!

BARRY ALLEN: Hey! I recognize you from the museum! I dunno if any of the readers do but you're that evil Speed Cultist guy my nephew beat up. Well, I'm sure I can do the same!

SAVITAR: No! Don't touch me!

Barry tries to touch Savitar, who turns into a skeleton and crumbles like Donovan at the end of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade

SAVITAR: You were the beginning, Allen. And you're the end.

An electric shockwave apparently surges across the universe, zapping Wally, his kids, Bart, Jay Garrick, Jesse Quick/Liberty Belle and the smoldering corpse in Iowa.

BARRY: What the hell just happened?

Somewhere Else In Real Life.

"STARMAN" MATT MORRISON: Good bloody question. Too bad I don't care enough to buy another issue to find out.


  1. Did Geoff write this? My Alan Moore tag reads "alan (spit) moore," maybe my Geoff Johns tag should have something like that. Maybe "geoff (twitch) johns"?

  2. Oh, OK, I wrote that a paragraph too soon. It felt very Geoff-like. Or awkward newbie writer, but that seemed unlikely for a Barry Allen revival book.

  3. No, Geoff did write this. Indeed that was the only reason I picked this up in the first place. I haven't read The Flash since the last time he was writing it.

  4. Yeah. You know that theory that Frank Miller was purposely writing All-Star Batman and Robin as a parody of his own work just to see how long he could get away with it?
    I want to think this is Geoff parodying himself by building an entire comic around everything his detractors and Anti-fans claims he does in ever story he writers (i.e. killing off a character's parent/parents/entire family horrifically, diminishing the Golden Age heroes to promote the Silver Age heroes...)

  5. I laughed at the summary. Were Cassie and Tim REALLY the only ones at Bart's welcome back party? That's just cold. Why would Jaime and the rest even care about Barry Allen? You think the rest of the team would be there if Tim and Cassie asked them to.
    You did that GA/BC thing? I saw it on the net ages ago and loved it!

  6. Were Cassie and Tim REALLY the only ones at Bart's welcome back party? That's just cold.
    Actually, it was even worse - Bart set up his own balloons and signs for a party he THOUGHT was going to be there. :(
    I cut out a bit of it out of respect to Bart, who is written WAY out of character. Here's how the actual scene played out...
    BART: So Barry's back. What's the big deal?
    CASSIE: Did you hang up these banners yourself?
    BART: I was early. I didn't know the rest of the Titans were going to Central City to watch the parade.
    CASSIE: They're hoping to meet The Flash.
    BART: Wally West is the Flash, Wonder Girl.
    CASSIE: So were you, Bart.
    BART: Yeah, and it wasn't any fun. At all. I came here from the future so that everything could go back to the way it used to be. Wally's The Flash and I'm Kid Flash.
    TIM: It wasn't too long ago you were Wally's biggest detractor.
    BART: Wally earned being The FLash.
    TIM: But Barry Allen...
    BART: He was the Messiah to everyone. Whatever. I barely know Barry Allen, Tim.
    CASSIE: He's your grandfather, Bart. He sacrificed...
    BART: He's back. So what did he sacrifice, exactly? Look. This just feels... it feels wrong. It's not fair. (eyes sparking lightning) Why's Barry the only one that escaped The Speed Force?
    You did that GA/BC thing? I saw it on the net ages ago and loved it!
    Yes, I did that thing. Glad you liked it. I thought it was one of my best bits of satire ever. My one regret is that I dropped the ball on the Diana panel during the line of people consoling Dinah and that I should have made it say "I'm sorry, Sister. But you cannot have Gail Simone back."

  7. That's especially stupid, because in "Bart Saves the Universe" Bart actually MET Barry, and Barry was the only one that believed him about being a time traveller (despite the fact he wasn't a flash in that timeline) and it was all very touching and they hugged and Bart cried and everything. So no, he doesn't "barely know him."
    But hey, he misses Max! Aw. Bring back Max people! Bart needs him!

  8. Yeah. If the dialogue had been more about Bart being upset that Max was still gone and less acting like a total brat because nobody is paying attention to him. Which would have been out of character, even in his Impulse days...
    And wasn't the whole reason Bart became Kid Flash in the first place because he was worried that he wasn't living up to the family legacy? At least, according to... uh, Geoff Johns?