Monday, February 16, 2009

New Heroes Comedy!

Are you wondering why Nathan is going out of his way to protect Claire, despite her complete unwillingness to "play ball" with his plans, when it would be a lot easier to just imprison her or shoot her in the back of the head?

It's not because he's better than that. It's not because of any paranoia that she needs to be spared or the world will be destroyed. It's not even because he doesn't want to piss off Noah Bennet.

Nancy Grace: Hello, I'm Nancy Grace. Tonight we continue our coverage of the tragic disappearance and probable murder of Claire Butler; All-American Girl and Cheerleader. Now, we have been covering this story non-stop for the last three days here on Headline News. But we still haven't been able to get any information from The Butlers themselves as Mrs. Sandra Butler refuses to return our calls.

Lou Dobbs: Clearly she's taking this situation very hard.

Nancy Grace: Yes, Lou. However - late breaking news - we HAVE learned that the father - Mr. N. Butler - apparently left his job as a shift-supervisor at a local copy store several months after a violent altercation with the franchise manager. Awfully suspicious, don't you think?

Lou Dobbs: Mighty suspicious, indeed, Nancy.

Nancy Grace: Oh yes. You know, if I were prosecuting this case, I'd be looking at him. VERY closely. Just look at this man - that intense expression peeking through those Keith Olberman glasses... you know he has something to hide.

Lou Dobbs: But what about the rumors that Claire Butler has been seen in the company of Peter Petrelli, the infamous "crazy" brother of popular head of the Congressional Homeland Security Committee and Junior Senator of New York Nathan Petrelli?

Nancy Grace: That does bare investigation as well but my money is on the father killing and probably raping his own daughter. His perfect, pretty daughter.

Lou Dobbs: Well... moving onto other news - The Japanese government confirmed reports today that Hiro Nakamura, a young CEO has vanished mysteriously...

Nancy Grace: Uh, Lou? I wasn't done speculating on what Mr. Bennet might have done to his daughter.

Lou Dobbs: But Nancy, we have another story here about a mysterious disappearance.

Nancy Grace: Shut up! I'm busy talking about an American girl! A pretty BLONDE American girl!

And just a reminder...

Looking To The Stars is a satire published by Matt Morrison, and is not intended maliciously. Matt Morrison has invented all names and situations in its' satires, except in cases when public figures or fictional characters are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). Looking To The Stars makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceding information.

No comments:

Post a Comment