Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The 4 Even Creepier Comic Book Characters of All Time

SOURCE: The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time

Should I be the least bit saddened that I can think of four even worse characters to round this out to an even ten?

I suppose so. Regardless, please enjoy or be horrified by The 4 Even Creepier Comic Book Characters of All Time

4. Arion

Creepy Because Of: Magical Incest/Forced Pregnancy/Magical Rape

It's a fact of life in fantasy worlds and superhero comics: most wizards are dicks. Even the relatively harmless and friendly ones like Gandalf are quick to remind their friends that you shouldn't meddle in their affairs, because they are subtle and quick to anger. Sure, they'll bring the fireworks to the party. But they'll also be threatening to spoil an innkeeper's beer or to turn harmless gardeners into something unnatural once the Guinness runs out.

On one level, this is understandable. They spend years studying things that most of humanity is ignorant of and cannot even begin to grasp; like graduate students, only much more useful. After all, if you were Doctor Strange and you were engaged in daily struggles to protect reality from invasion by things that would cause most of your fellow heroes to vent their bladders about two seconds after seeing them, wouldn't you be a little annoyed by Reed Richards showing up unannounced on your doorstep and asking for help with this "scientific phenomena I have yet to adequately explain yet" every time he invented a new star-gate?

On the other hand, most of these wizards take their annoyance with the stupidity of everyone around them and use this as a license to do whatever they want in the name of a vague "common good", because they know better than you. And no magical character illustrated this truth better than Arion, who just recently became a full-fledged villain of sorts in Kurt Busiek's Superman. However, all of his recent activities pale in comparison to his actions as a hero in which he...

a) manipulated Power Girl into thinking she was his granddaughter from the ancient days of Atlantis and that he brought her forward in time to save her from a plague that threatened her life.

b) used his magic to impregnate Power Girl without her knowledge or permission, so that she would give birth to a great hero who would be needed to save Atlantis.

c) later admitted to having lied about Power Girl being his granddaughter or Atlantean and - before dying - noting that he had done so as a promise to her mother. This turned out to be total bunk after it was revealed that Kara was Superman's cousin from a parallel Earth...

3. Grimbor The Chainsman

Creepy Because Of : Bondage.

The guy calls himself "The Master of Bondage". Do you really need any more explanation than that?

Honestly, the concept behind Grimbor is not a bad one and it is possible that he might have been used in a less creepy fashion in another time and another place. After all, there's a lot of potential in the concept of a master of traps. And you have to give props to someone who - with nothing but sheer inventiveness and a near-obsessive eye for detail - created a series of devices that enabled him to single-handedly take on The Legion of Superheroes.

So where did it go wrong? Well, part of it was because he was introduced back in the Mike Grell years when everyone was wearing swim-suit style costumes that were even less suitable for crime-fighting than skin-tight Spandex. And the other part of it was that in his first appearance, he was partnered with a woman called Charma. Charma had an unlikely mutation that caused all men to obey her every command and all women to want to kill her. She used her powers to throw The Legion off-balance in one way or the other as Grimbor (a respectable lawman she ensnared with her powers) did what he did best.

As unsettling as this is, things got full-blown creepy at the end of the story when the pair was defeated and it was revealed that Grimbor had constructed a special device that canceled out Charma's powers and left her helpless.

It got worse in later appearances when we found out that Charma was killed in prison after her restraints were removed, her powers kicked in and the female population tore her apart - literally. The news reached Grimbor - who still loved Charma despite the knowledge that she had used her powers to cause him to love her - and he swore revenge on The Legion and showed up two more times before vanishing into limbo, only to be resurrected for bad Legion Slash-Fic and... gods help us... The new Legion of Superheroes Cartoon.

2. Comet

Creepy Because Of : Bestiality/Mind Control.

Proof that there is no creepy classic comics idea that cannot be made worse by having Peter David write it, I present to you the Post-Crisis Comet.

I won't go into the full back-story of this version of Supergirl. Suffice it to say, those who thought that Supergirl couldn't be made any more complicated after she was reinvented as a shape-shifting artificial life-form from a parallel universe were proven wrong after Peter David bonded her with a Satan-worshiping teenage girl and then turned them both into an angel.

In that same spirit, Peter David introduced a new Comet. This Comet appeared, at first, to be a Sepiroth clone with horse-legs and ice-control powers. It was never revealed if he had any other horse-like anatomy, though it was presumed that if he did this would go a long way toward explaining just why Supergirl seemed to fall head over heels for him in record time.

But it turned out that the truth was far more complicated and far more stupid than any "hung-like-a-horse" joke.

The truth was that Comet was another angel - just like Supergirl. An angel who had been formed by the fusion of a Hispanic lesbian stand-up comic and an unfortunate jockey turned superhero, who had been trampled to near-death by a horse, given the powers and partial anatomy of a horse by a super-villain group and then died on one of his first missions after rebelling against the villains and setting out to become a superhero.

Oh, and did I mention that this angel had the power to control the force of Love? And that he/she/it used to make Supergirl fall in love with he/she/it?

Yeah. Yeah.

1. Marcus Danvers

Creepy Because Of: Mind Control/Rape/Forced Pregnancy/Incest

You can read a summary of this story elsewhere. It appeared in Avengers #200 and is easily the sickest thing I've ever seen, by far. Oedipal doesn't begin to describe it.

The short version is that Marcus is the son of Carol Danvers (aka Ms. Marvel) and that Marcus...

a) was the result of his father - the villain Immortus - using his vast powers to create a pocket dimension, where he took as a mate a woman who could have been Ms. Marvel's twin. Despite being a virtual god, he still couldn't get laid without using machines to mind-control his chosen lady.

b) was left to his own devices in the pocket dimension after his dad erased himself from time (don't ask) and - with an idealized image of what his mom had been like and no moral guidance to tell him otherwise - he decided to use dear old dad's machines in order to do as dad had done and mind-control a woman into sleeping with him.

c) made arrangements for his chosen woman (Carol Danvers) to be impregnated WITH him, making her both his mother and his lover.

d) mind-controlled her into becoming a submissive bimbo who was ready to follow him back to their his pocket dimension.

What truly made this story horrible is that all the rest of the Avengers found out about this and not a damn one of them did ANYTHING when Carol announced her intent to leave Earth forever to go and stay with her son/lover forever.


  1. Man both lists leave off the Mandrill? Who has Star Fox's powers, but instead of being a good intentioned space love-god, is an undead, sociopathic baboon man...

  2. If I were going to attempt a top 20 list, he'd be there, no question.
    But being a smelly zombie ape-man with pheromone control powers - while disgusting - pales compared to manipulating a woman into becoming your mother and sex-slave.

  3. The only thing I can disagree with is that I'm pretty sure that last one was an Avengers plot to be rid of Carol Danvers.
    Obviously, it didn't last forever. ;)

  4. Given how Brian Michael Bendis treats Carol, I suspect we'll see her son return soon enough.

  5. Fat piece of furniture!!!
    Excellent Doom icon, btw!

  6. Re: Fat piece of furniture!!!
    All bow!
    Also list of creepy Big Two characters needs more post-Bendis Purple Man...

  7. Re: Fat piece of furniture!!!
    Yes, except I think the spirit of the list was for characters who weren't meant to be disturbing.

  8. Um. Comet was not AWARE he/she could mind control Supergirl.
    Just saying.
    I like Comet. :(

  9. Okay. There was no malicious intent.
    It's still creepy!

  10. Oh, but don't forget, he's also a wannabee, a white guy who gets off on making people think he's black -- or would be if he weren't blue and white striped.

  11. Is that the latest retcon to explain away why somebody was writing him as if he were a Black man?
    And if so, when are they going to explain away how The Spot has died twice and is still running around? :P

  12. I haven't seen any recent appearances by the Mandrill, so I wouldn't know about anyone writing him as though he were black -- I just always thought of him that way myself.
    As for the Spot, it's amazing the influence John Cleese has had on superhero comics: in the old days, someone who turned up alive would fill up half of three or four panels with expository word balloons explaining the ingenious means by which s/he survived. Now, they just say, "I got better."