Friday, August 9, 2013

The Blackbeard Legacy - Part One

Avast, ye swabs!  'Tis clear to your Captain that ye be too stout of heart to be properly traumatized by the likes of Power Of The Valkyrie. 'Twas a bad comic, to be sure!  Yet for all the problems that book had, at least it's characters looked broadly human - save for the ones that were demons, of course.

This next bit of swill has no such blessing.  The Blackbeard Legacy be another cursed book from the dirty seas ironically named Bluewater Productions. The art be by a scurvy lubber by the name of  Mike Maydak, whose artwork looks to have been hurriedly painted by a blind man. This might be crime enough, save Maydak also has a fondness for drawing womenfolk in scanty dress, yet seems to have never seen a woman before in his life.

And lest ye had any hopes that the story might be amusing though the art be bad, it be co-written by Captain Darren G. Davis.  Captain Davis be the CEO and Publisher of Bluewater Productions and was half the creative team behind Power Of The Valkyrie.  This time his First Mate on the writing duties be Scott Davis, who serves as Captain Davis' Media Manager.   Two writers and no editor - a sign of doom as sure as red skies in morning!

Let's be to it, then!  Spy yon the cover of the cursed book!

Not a bad sort of cover, in truth.  Trying for a Luis Royo look, methinks.  I'm a bit perplexed as to where this pirate wench's nipples have wandered off to, given the size of her chest and where her shirt be opened up.  At least she looks human if a bit underfed.  And lest ye think Captain be going soft in his old age, known I mean it looks decent only compared to the rest of this book.  This cover be the best bit of artwork in the whole cursed thing.

Don't believe me?  Behold the chapter page!  

Insert your own joke about "booty" and "treasured chests" here.

Worry not about the tentacles in that first page, mateys!  There be no Hentai in this work, though it may be as unpleasant as octopus rape by the time we reach the end of our journey.

Our first page opens by telling us what kind of tale this isn't going to be and also establishes our setting as Free Port Township of Grand Bahama in May 1718.  That groaning noise you just heard came from a thousand pirate history scholars, who know that Free Port Township of Grand Bahama wasn't founded until 1955. Those who were hoping for a pirate story with some broad historical accuracy best turn back now.  The seas only get rougher from here. 

What does it say about Bluewater Productions that I'm not altogether sure if  the sentence "Well, this ain't of them stories." is an honest grammar mistake (Methinks there should be a "one' in there somewhere) or if it's just the writer half-assing his pirate dialect  Both possibilities are equally likely.  I'll just assume it was a mistake - that's always the safest bet when Bluewater be involved.

With the turn of a page, we see our heroine for the first time... having freshly serviced some jaundiced specimen of what I can only assume to be humanity.  His general shape and skin-tone suggests there may be a bit of Deep One in his ancestry.  Or it would if we were in Innsmouth and not Free Port.. 

All appearances to the contrary, Hannah is no whore.  Her only reason for making all cozy-like with this scum was to steal his logbook.  Unfortunately for him, he wakes up in the midst of Hannah plundering his charts and he gets an amazing view before getting a headache, as Hanna brains him with a candlestick.

Hurriedly dressing and giving us a view of her ample ass-cleavage as she does so, Hannah thinks of her mother - who saw her get a proper schooling - and her father, who she says is an adventurer and pirate like herself.  More of the pirate from what we've seen so far but she does show her adventurer roots as she goes downstairs to where all adventures begin - a seedy tavern.

And suddenly we find ourselves in a Conan The Barbarian comic...  

Actually, this DOES look familiar... but it isn't Conan.  Something pirate themed with a bunch of bizarrely misshapen characters with odd skin and eye colors?  What does it look like?

... no.  That looks more realistic.  Even with the monkeybird.

Hannah is spotted - somehow - by a blind bounty hunter - an equally busty pirate wench sporting two cutlasses and a blindfold.  Hannah convinces her that it would be more profitable to work for her since the log book she just stole leads to a fortune beyond imagining.  Unfortunately it's at this point that the captain's minions notice what's happened and sound the alarm.   

Now, I know I already warned ye about the artwork on this cursed book.  And yet, even steeling himself, your Captain can't help be be astonished by this last page.  Hannah's suddenly turned into a cyclops and it took your Captain about a minute of squinting to realize the odd panels were meant to be saying "KILL HER!"

The blind bounty hunter proves good at her craft, killing all the underlings.  She and Hanna scamper for the docks as Hannah considers how the log book doesn't really lead to a treasure.  It DOES recall everyplace the captain she stole it from had been and who he had met, which could be more valuable - at least to Hannah.  This be all the explanation we get for the moment as Hannah busies herself with planning on how to overcome their next difficulty - stealing a ship with only two people to do the stealing.

Hannah sketches out the plan in the dirt, despite her new bodyguard pointing out she's blind and can't see it..  She also draws herself and the bounty hunter as stick figures with cartoonishly huge boobs, for no readily apparent reason other than so we know who they are.

Thankfully, Hannah's intricate and silly-looking plan proves unnecessary, as she comes to depend upon that noblest of all pirate traditions - greed winning out over good sense and loyalty always going to the highest bidder.  Particularly since the ship she's taken a shine to - The Vengeance - belongs to the same captain she waylaid earlier in the evening and the crew on-board are anxious to find new employment.

Unfortunately, the current captain has recovered and somehow taken command of a fortress overlooking the bay.  Fortunately for Hannah, his cannons are set up directly in front of a large collection of powder kegs.  All it takes is one good shot with the canons to blow the fortress up in a display to make Michael Bay green with envy. 

And so, with the loyalty of her new crew assured and their rivals blown to the four winds, this chapter of our tale ends as Hannah tells us more of her father.... and why she's questing in the first place. 

Don't think this is so bad, me hearties?  It gets worse.  Much worse. 

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