Ringo: *drawing gun* Hold it right there!
Me: Relax. I'm a friend.
Ringo: You're not with the Powder Gangers?
Me: No. Are you?
Ringo: No. I'm with the Crimson Caravan. So are you going to help me fight them? Or did you come to play Caravan?
Me: ... dwah?
Ringo: Caravan. It's a card game. Everybody plays it. Well, everybody who has scavenged a deck of cards anyway.
Me: Why am I suddenly having Final Fantasy VIII flashbacks?
Ringo: Does that mean you don't want to play?
Me: Is there money involved?
Ringo: Well, we ARE in Nevada.
Me: Groovy.
Several Hands Of Caravan Later...
LEVEL UP
Me: Huh. That's weird.
Ringo: What?
Me: Round about that third hand I won, I suddenly felt like I knew more about Explosives for some reason. Speaking of - shouldn't we do something about the gang members wanting to take over the town?
Boone: I was wondering when we were going to get back to shooting stuff.
Ringo: Right. Go and ask Sunny down at the bar if she'll join us too.
Me: Sunny, will you help us form a posse to retake the town from the forces that threaten it?
Sunnny: I thought you'd never ask. But you might ask Trudy if she'll get the rest of the townsfolk to help too. And you might ask Chet at the general store if he'll give everyone some of that leather armor he just got in. And you might ask Easy Pete the prospector if we can borrow his dynamite. And you might ask the Doctor if he has any spare supplies. We'll all need patching up after this.
Me: Woah! Why me? Wouldn't you, the official protector of this town, have an easier time getting all of this done than some random drifter?
Sunnny: Probably. But you'll do it anyway because I'm a cute redhead.
Me: ... I'll be right back.
Me: Trudy, you townsfolk have got to taken a hand in your own defense!
Trudy: Oh? I suppose you have some brilliant plant that will enable us to stand up to a mob of armed killers?
Me: (Sneak 25) You've got plenty of buildings that can be used for cover. Hide back there and ambush them!
Trudy: ... that's actually a good plan!
Me: Chet, I need you to give me all the ammo and armor you've got hidden in the back.
Chet: And what makes you think I'm going to just give you all of my hard-earned product for nothing?
Me: Because I need it to enable everyone in this town to better protect themselves.
Chet: But I might have a paying customer who will need this.
Me: (Speech 25) You're right. I'm sure the Powder Gangers will just LOVE to pay you fair and square for all of your gear once they finally move and take over the town.
Chet: Well...
Me: And hey - Sunny will probably die in the fighting, which means that you'll probably be their first choice for The Number Six Dance after they take over.
Chet: Okay. You've made your point.
Me: Hell, they've been in prison for so long... some of them may even have come to prefer a nice skinny lad like you. Nicely groomed facial hair, just like Mama used to have...
Chet: Okay! Okay! Take the armor! Just... yeeesh.
Me: Pete! I need your dynamite!
Easy Pete: Now, hold your horses, pilgrim. I don't go giving explosives to anyone until I'm convinced they know what they are doing.
Me: (Explosives 25) You just light the fuse and throw it.
Easy Pete: Well, you've convinced me! Here's my stash.
Me: Um... you keep this much dynamite on yourself at all times? Isn't that a little risky?
Easy Pete: Says the man who is carrying eight different guns in his backpack.
Me: Touche!
Doc Mitchell: Hey there, son. How's the head feeling?
Me: Good. Hey, listen Doc. I need whatever supplies you can spare!
Doc Mitchell: But you bought all my Stimpacks and Doctors bags a few hours ago! I still have all the old bottles and silverwear I took as payment stacked up in my spare bedroom!
Me: (Speech 25) Yeah, but you have a secret stash somewhere, right? Every Doctor in the wasteland has a secret stash they use for treating people who need treating who can't afford to spend 35 bucks a shot on a magical healing stick.
Doc Mitchell: We really need to reform the health care system around here.
Me: Don't talk to me. Talk to the NCR.
One Massively One-Sided Battle Later..
Trudy: We'll never forget what you've done here, Matt. Why don't you stay a spell, here? We could use another good man...
Boone: *clears throat*
Trudy: ... or two!
Me: Well, thank you. But my work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West. Wherever innocent people are afraid to walk the streets. Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity. Wherever a people cry out for justice!
Everybody: BULL SHIT!
Me: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth it's getting pretty damn dull around here.
Ringo: Does that mean you won't play another game of Caravan with me?
Me: ... well, I COULD use some more spending money on the road.
No comments:
Post a Comment