Delvin: So. You're back.
Me: Afraid so.
Delvin: Hmm. So did you finish that job we discussed?
Me: Are you kidding? I've finished every job we've discussed in the past three weeks! I've fiddled with every ledger number! Filched every shiny bauble! Dealt with that bandit camp full of scabs trying to start their own Guild. Recovered that stolen silver mold for that smith you wanted brought in as a fence. Planted illegal drugs on the Captain of The Dainty Sload. I even brought you the Right Eye of the Falmer! I swear, I planted evidence in the same household twice at one point.
Delvin: Which household was that then?
Me: Battle-Born Manor in Whiterun.
Delvin: ... wait. We're planting evidence there? Didn't I just send you to go talk to them about doing them a favor?
Me: Yeah. I mean, it seemed weird after I planted evidence to frame them of wrong-doing. And to get sent back again after I helped them out. But, hey... if you want to go second-guessing Vex on the Shill jobs...
Delvin: Nah, nah, nah. So you helped them out? Before framing them? Again.
Me: Yeah. They just needed someone to break into Dragonsreach Dungeon and change some records so they could sneak a friend of theirs out of prison before the guards realized he was due for execution in Solitude.
Delvin: Wow. Breaking into a prison. Now that IS impressive. I can't imagine how you pulled that one off.
Me: Well, it wasn't easy...
TWO DAYS EARLIER...
Jarl Balgruff: Hail to you Dragonborn and Thane of Whiterun! Still doing good to help my people, I trust?
Me: Yea, though my journeys have taken me far, my heart (and most of my stuff) remains in Whiterun.
Jarl Balgruff: Good to hear!
Me: Uh-huh. Listen, Jarl. I have reason to believe that there's some problems with the books in your prison. Could you arrange for me to have full, undisturbed access to the records for an hour or so?
Jarl Balgruff: Bah! There is no need! Your glory and name are known to all of my guards. I'm sure you can just walk in there and there will be no trouble.
Me: Seriously?! It's that easy?!
Jarl Balgruff: Yes! You are our Thane! Why wouldn't we trust you?
Me: Ah, well thank you. Thank you very much, Jarl. Sorry to have troubled you.
TWO DAYS LATER...
Me: ... and then after I swilled down the Invisiblity potion and back-stabbed the third of the half-dragon/half-werewolf guards...
Vex: I think I've heard enough.
Me: But I hadn't gotten to the best part yet!
Delvin: I'm sure. But truth be told, we were just distracting you while the rest of the boys were getting things set up.
Me: Set-up? For what?
Brynjolf: For your crowning, of course.
Brynjolf: Well, that may be a bit formal a word for it. But yes. We're making you the Guild Master.
Me: I thought we already agreed I was Guild Master?
Brynjold: No, Karliah and I agreed you SHOULD be Guildmaster. We had to convince Vex and Delvin that we were right first.
Delvin: Yeah. The past three weeks of busting your balls for The Guild proved that you're committed to seeing us succeed. More than the rest of us.
Me: Yeah, I can't help but notice how I never see any of you leaving the sewers...
Vex: We wouldn't be very good Master Thieves if you ever saw us leaving anywhere, would we?
Me: ... touche.
Brynjolf: Well, my friend... the time's come to make it official. It's time to become Guild Master.
Brynjolf: *whispered* Is that everyone?
Vex: *whispered* Yes.
Delvin: *whispered* Get on with it.
Brynjolf: Fine. *clears throat* Look, I've never been any good at these things, so I'm going to keep this short.
Brynjolf: Not THAT short!
Thief #1: Awww!
Brynjolf: Anyway... this man came to us a stranger. Now, I am proud to call him friend and the finest of all thieves. We have met and agreed - he should be our leader. Being The Guild Master isn't just a matter of getting a cut of everyone else's takings...
Me: *whispered* It isn't? Can I back out now?
Brynjolf: ... it is about maintaining order among this undisciplined band of cut-throats we call a guild. Everyone is in agreement. So I don't think there's anything else I can do but name you Guild Master and wish you long life and good fortune. So there. You're the boss. Now everyone else get back to work!
Me: That's it?
Brynjolf: Yep. Sorry if you were expecting something bigger but in case you haven't noticed, we're not much for throwing money around down here.
Me: But I had a speech all prepared!
Brynjolf: And I'm sure it was a good one. But you've got bigger things to worry about, don't you?
Me: Noi-jii-tat, you're right! I have to get back to this whole Dragonborn thing!
Brynjolf: Huh? No, I meant you needed to get to work sitting at the big desk scowling at everyone and pinching pennies.
Me: I'd love to pinch Penny, but I AM a married man! And I really should go save the world.
Brynjolf: But... why? Don't you want to live the easy life here?
Me: Of course, I do! But if I don't go do something about the dragons, we're not going to have anyone or anything to rob on account of them being smoking piles of ash!
Brynjolf: What's keeping you? Go! Go!
Post a Comment