Friday, June 24, 2011

Why Question Geek Girl Cred?

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following was left in our mailbox, written on a mole-skin notebook wrapped in plain brown paper. There were no stamps on the package, nor was an address written anywhere on it. It is published without comment, though an examination of the supplemental materials has led us to conclude that if this is a forgery, it is a damn good one.


Journal. Final Entry. 6.23.11

I write this knowing full well that it may be the last thing I ever write. And yet, the truth must come out. Questions have been asked. Answers have been sought. And still the truth must come out.

It all began months ago, but the battle is as old as humanity itself. It all began when a kerfuffle arose over the idea that certain kinds of women cannot be proper geeks. Or that no woman at all may lay claim to the title of geek This train of thought went on to state that any attractive, well-spoken woman who claimed to be a geek was “faking it” for some commercial purpose.

The truth, as always, is far more sinister. Like the true purpose of aglets.

I began seeking answers earlier in the week after the oldest battle began again. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth regarding how the newly crowned Miss USA referred to herself as a history geek and spoke of her alleged love of studying history and the Game Of Thrones book series. Unlikely? Most would say yes. Conventional wisdom dictates that beauty pageants and modern fantasy literature go together like bikini models and doctoral studies. Yet the world of geeks is hardly conventional or wise...

Days passed. Trail continued as I read the response to the scandal. One of the geek-girls - the so-called Nerdy Bird Jill Pantozzi – asked several questions of her own...

“Why not take a person at face value until you have serious reason to think otherwise? Why does being a beauty pageant contestant mean you can't also like Star Wars (which Campanella also mentioned at another point in the competition)? What is at the base of this denial of identity?”

Ultimately all these questions came down to one question: who profits? How does a woman ultimately profit from pretending to be a geek?

I studied the Hot Women Pandering To Nerds video for hours yet gleaned few answers. Surely geek males are a minority, not worth pandering to? How does it profit Rosario Dawson to speak a few sentences of Klingon? How does it benefit Megan Fox to pretend that she reads comics and likes drawing? Will pretending to like Star Wars help Jamie Alexander to find acting work?

The most frequent answer when one questions the existence of geek girls is that most of them are ugly and desperate. So great is their desire for the affections of a man that they will weather any indignity - commit any act – all to win the smallest smidgeon of male approval. And while many of these “hot” geek girls may be filled to the brim with daddy issues… still one wonders how it benefits them to pursue the approval of those who are – traditionally – the least desirable companions.

And yet, are geek males really that undesirable to a calculating female mind? Today geek males rule much of the world. A small cabal of computer geeks control our technology. Many of the nerds who played games of power in the Student Council grew to become political leaders. And many of the creative powers in Hollywood are geeks. Such men, while physically diminutive, could be stable providers and would likely be happy for any female attention. Still, powerful though they are, their numbers are small.

Additionally, the rich and powerful would easily have the means to make their secret shames accepted - place comic books on the racks of every news stand in the nation and finance Dungeons and Dragons tournaments in place of football in every high school. So subtle seduction with silky slatterns cloaked and costumed as that most mythical of maidens - the gorgeous geek girl? Improbable. Too much work for too little gain.

After much serious study, it would prove to be a joke that led me to the answer. Ironic.

It was a comment repeated by many a geek girl over the last day – apparently a mocking reference to an early story which likened geek girls to unicorns in that they did not exist. Several opined that there were other, more powerful mythical creatures that they would rather be.

Geek Girls as creatures of myth? Thesis. The pieces were beginning to come together.

The final piece came with a fiery editorial by one Devin Faraci, whose mocking words not only called into question the geek credentials of Miss USA but the very validity of the geek girl blogsophere! Within hours, that very same blogosphere was torn between those who wishes to see him raked over the coals and those who thought that he had a point, tactless though he was in presenting it.

It was then that the pattern hit me.

Every time it looked like the geek girl community was making progress in stopping the pointless sniping over what constitutes a geek and who is or isn’t a shill for a corporate master, some mainstream media blogger would emerge to raise the scandal anew or urge the geek girls into a frothing blood lust against one another. Like clockwork. As if a whole society of men were watching over the geek girl population... as if waiting for something…

After several days of investigation, I had found the truth in a book belonging to a group known only as The Codicil. The geek girls ARE creatures of myth. But they are not unicorns. Or dragons. Or nymphs. They are Immortals. Immortals born at random, blessed with the gift of long life and magical skill and yet cursed at the same time. For The Codicil’s text – which I was able to glance through for just a few moments before being discovered – talks of a time of turmoil which is fast approaching.

Indeed, I fear it has already begun.

Consider once more the conventional wisdom – that no attractive woman would ever be considered a geek or identify herself as such. Yet in the past five years the number of attractive geek girls in the public eye has risen sharply. The Codicil text notes this and explains that while each geek girl is blessed with long life, she may still die if another of her kind severs her head from her neck. And for each of her kind that she vanquishes, the victor geek girl absorbs the knowledge, youth and beauty of her fallen sister. Thus each geek girl is forced to fight eternally against her own kind - conflict after conflict - until only one of them is left.

Such is the way it has always been and such, so The Codicil believe, must it always be.

What we saw when Miss USA outed herself as a geek was a calling out to others of her kind. A subconscious signal - for most geek girls are ignorant of the truth or the power they wield and The Codicil prefer to keep it that way - that the final battle... the time of The Gathering... is about to begin.

The Codicil text is conflicted upon when and where The Gathering will take place. Some say it will happen in San Diego. Others say it will happen in Atlanta at the place of The Great Dragon. Regardless, all agree that The Gathering shall be a great and bloody display and that many innocents will die along with the Immortals.

Of course these battles have been going on in the shadows for years. It is a matter of record that Gail Simone claimed the head of Devin Grayson several years ago, thus cementing her position as Queen of DC Comics. And even now rumors have spoken of heated battles between Olivia Munn and Blair Butler on the rooftops of Los Angeles…

I post this now, knowing that The Codicil – who desire secrecy above all else – will likely kill me for having exposed them and their plans to continue to reduce the numbers of geek girls by encouraging them to turn against one another.

Know this – if I die, I die content, secure in the hope that this knowledge might encourage peace between the geek girls that still remain.

I hope to prevent a dark future where Action Chick Katrina Hill and Jessica Mills die on one another’s blades in the aisles at ComicCon. I hope that Felicia Day and Kristen Bell can throw aside their weapons and exchange hugs, not deathblows. But above all else, I hope for a world where the most outrageous nonsense regarding this issue is written by comic book parodists and not serious journalists.

The Answer

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