Sunday, July 5, 2009

Justice League: Cry For Justice #1 - A Parody

This being a Justice League book written by James Robinson (who penned my favorite comic series of all time) staring two of my favorite superheroes of all time (Hal Jordan and Oliver Queen), you can imagine that I have a lot to say about it.

In fact, what I have to say about it is going to have to go into two separate posts.

This first one, will feature a humorous summary of this first book.

The second one, will be a more serious discussion of what I liked and didn't like.



Green Lantern: Batman and Martian Manhunter are dead, Kal!

Superman: ... since when do you not call me Clark?

Green Lantern: Since I'm sick of all my friends dying and us not doing anything about it!

Green Arrow: Oh boy.

Green Lantern: We need to get more proactive. Get them before they get us.

Green Arrow: Oh boy.

Green Lantern: Make some pre-emptive strikes in the name of Justice!

Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh boy.

Green Arrow: Hey, that's my line!

Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh. Sorry.

Green Arrow: *ahem* Oh boy.

Wonder Woman: But Hal? Don't you think this is a little extreme?

Green Lantern: No, Diana. You're thinking of those losers from the 90s.

Green Arrow: Oh boy.

Black Canary: *whispered* Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Green Arrow: *whispered* What? About how everybody seems amazingly calm considering the last time Hal talked like this he was killing people and plotting to hit the reset button on the universe a week later? Or about how weird it is that Hal is giving this speech here when he's been rallying against extreme vigilantism and the use of lethal force and questionable tactics in the Green Lantern Corps?

Black Canary: *whispered* Actually, I was thinking about how annoying it is that I'm the team leader and Hal is STILL addressing his complains about team policy to Clark and Diana while ignoring me

Green Arrow: *whispered* ... I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, aren't I?

Black Canary: *whispered* For a week.

Green Lantern: Anyway, I am the Law...

Judge Dredd: LAWSUIT!

Green Lantern: ... in Sector 2814...

Judge Dredd: *grumbles* Never mind.

Green Lantern: ... and it's time I did something to stop these people before they became threats.

Superman: Hal, we can't really let you run off like this.

Green Lantern: We've been over this, Kal. It wasn't me - it was a giant yellow space bug.

Superman: Well, even so...

Green Lantern: YELLOW SPACE BUG! Anyway, I quit. I'm out of here. I'm going off in search of Justice.

Green Arrow: And I'm coming with you!

Everyone Else: WHAT?!?!

Green Arrow: Hal is right! We need a team that will go after problems before they begin.

Red Tornado: Begging your pardon, Oliver, but did you not just leave The Outsiders - who do that - a few months ago?

Green Arrow: Uh... yes. But we need a team with 'Justice' in the name that does that!

Black Canary: And I supposed you've forgotten about your time with a little team called Justice League Elite?

Green Arrow: I'm trying to. Lord knows I'm real embarrassed about the whole thing where I slept with Manitou Dawn.


Green Arrow: A-haaaaaaaa... Hal, get us out of here. NOW!


Green Lantern: So why did you come with me?

Green Arrow: You're my best friend, Hal. And you came along with me on that trip to find America without even thinking about it.

Green Lantern: Thinking hurts. I try not to do it.

Green Arrow: Same here. Besides, I figure you can ring up a more comfortable bed than my couch and there's a slightly better chance I won't be woken up with a savage beating if I'm with you.

Green Lantern: I could drop you off at the battered mens' shelter, Ollie.

Green Arrow: Nah... Dinah will be fine after a few days. She'll only slap me once and then it will be just like old times. *tears up* Like old times...


Ray Palmer Atom: Wow. Ryan is amazing. I'm glad he's my protege.

Ryan Choi Atom: Wow. Ray is amazing. I'm glad he's my mentor.

Killer Moth: Ugh. I can't believe I got my ass kicked by two geeks under six inches tall.

Ray Palmer Atom: Give me the Cosmic McGuffin you took from my colleague you killed!

Killer Moth: No.

Ray Palmer Atom: Listen, I've had a really rough few years. My wife went crazy and left me. The sub-atomic civilization I became warlord of was killed by deforestation along with my girlfriend. My wife then went crazier and killed the wife of one of my closest friends in the most ill advised attempt on "How To Win Back Your Man" ever. And I wound up jumping around reality and saw numerous parallel universe equivalent of various friends die. Hence, the guy who wouldn't say boo to a goose before is now so hardcore, I will threaten to go up your nose, grow and crack your skull open.

Killer Moth: ... you wouldn't.

Ray Palmer Atom: No, but I WILL go up your nose and mess with your sinuses.

Killer Moth: Prometheus did it!

Ryan Choi Atom: That was gross.

Ray Palmer Atom: Yeah, but it got results. And now I am going after Promethus... FOR JUSTICE!


Undertaker: Ah, hello sir. It is an honor to meet you. You know, we don't ordinarily do this.

Unseen Man: Let people in here at night?

Undertaker: Actually, I meant we normally don't allow former gay lovers of the deceased in to take a look at the deceased before the parents - especially after a traumatic event like murder by random supervillain attack. But because you are were a protector of the city - sort of - we're obliged to honor the "Play It By Ear Act" and let you go wherever you damn well please.

Unseen Man: Well, even though I'm just a footnote of a hero, I appreciate that.

We see a youngish African American man in the coffin. Numerous angry blog posts are made, pointing out that the first person to die in this series was a gay Black man.

A blue-skinned hand comes down to touch his face, revealing that The Unseen Man is Mikhal Tomas a.k.a. Starman III a.k.a. The 70s Starman. Fans of James Robinson's Starman series nod at this slow and subtle reveal, even though they saw this coming on the last page. Everyone else is horribly confused.


Mikhal walks down the street, looking horribly depressed. He screams and blows up a car with an energy blast.

Narrator: Mikhal Tomas - Starman of once and long ago -- cries out in his native language - a language that is beautiful and unlike anything on Earth. His words don't have a direct translation to any Earth language but the meaning does - JUSTICE!

Mikhal continues to walk down the street, away from the still-burning car.

Narrator: Interestingly, his beautiful native language also doesn't have a direct translation for the phrase "Sorry I blew up your car with my super powers while I was pitching a fit. Here is the number for my insurance agent."


Narrator: There is a man who sits here admit a tragedy... and a slaughter. A man whose entire tribe was killed. There is a man... and his name is William Blake.

Catman: Hey! That was like three years ago in a different book!

Narrator: Oh yes! Sorry! It's just this seemed... so familiar.

Honest mistake, really.

Congo Bill: Familiar? Hey, my tormented new origin story is totally original.

Gail Simone: Of course it is. Incidentally, READ SECRET SIX!

Freedom Beast: Bill!

Congo Bill: Why, it is Freedom Beast - a slightly less stupid and certainly less offensive reinvention of a character only James Robinson, Paul Dini and Mark Waid remember!

Freedom Beast: Yes. I tried to stop the poachers who did this but it turns out that despite your training, my powers of Strength, Speed and Stamina... the power to talk to animals and borrow their strength... even the power to splice animals together and create unholy abominations is next to useless against bullets.

Freedom Beast dies

Congo Bill: I want JUSTICE! ... Why am I shouting to myself?


  1. (who penned my favorite comic series of all time)

  2. ...
    Don't make me hit you with the force of a thousand exploding suns.

  3. Wait, is Freedom Beast the same as B'wana Beast? (Checks Wikipedia.) Wait, he's already been killed? And Freedom Beast is his successor?
    Oh, good grief.

  4. Wait, is Freedom Beast the same as B'wana Beast?
    Same powers. Different person. The former was the student of the later.
    Wait, he's already been killed?
    Yeah. Apparently it happened in Grant Morrison's run on Animal Man in 1992.
    And Freedom Beast is his successor?
    Yep. Apparently Grant Morrison created Freedom Beast. I didn't know that. I was only familiar with Freedom Beast from a brief cameo in Green Lantern where he was among the Global Guardians. He also apparently had a major role in Checkmate recently.
    Oh, good grief.
    Yeah. Now I feel even worse now than I did when I first read the story and thought they were just killing off a character I mistakenly thought created by Geoff Johns as a tribute to one of the most beloved goofy hero ideas ever.