Monday, May 17, 2004

Looking To The Stars: Spider-Bland

SCENE: A Street in New York. Spider-Man is pounding the snot out of Green Goblin and vice versa.

Spider-Man (Voice Over) : It was a typical Sunday morning. Well, for me anyway. The Green Goblin, who I have something of a bad history with in case you haven’t picked up a Spider-Man book before and failed to see the movie, took hostages and demanded I kill myself or they would die. I thought this was kind of weird, seeing as how ol’ Norman Osborn has always tried attacking me from the shadows with complicated plots to corrupt me, drive me crazy or kill me. But then again, he’s nuts, so why bother thinking about a sudden and completely unmotivated change of character and mode of operations?

CUT TO: The office of “Starman” Matt Morrison


Starman: Hello?

Daron, The Dark Overlord: Pick up the pace, Number One! Your ponderous pace is killing the flow of your satire of what was an already dull and irritating story.

Starman: Just trying to set the mood for what’s to come, boss. I mean, everyone is so horribly out of character in this book…

Daron: I know. I can’t stand it either. But try and make it funnier!


Starman: Right…

CUT TO: A Street in New York. Spider-Man is now pounding the snot out of Green Goblin and vice versa, amid a crowd of New Yorkers.

NY One: Hit him with the mailbox!

NY Two: Hit him with this fire hydrant, Spidey!

NY Three: Hit him with the folding chair, Chris Jericho!

*Spidey opts for the mailbox and pounds Green Goblin but good. Green Goblin drops a bandolier of pumpkin bombs as he falls to the ground*

NY One: What the… you didn’t need to hit him THAT hard!

Spider-Man: He was trying to kill you all!

NY One: Yeah, well… I’m sure he’s a decent person deep down.

NY Two: Yeah. I mean, we don’t know him any better than we do you!

Spider-Man: Umm… okay. He dropped this girl off a bridge, tried organizing all the gangs in New York into one force before Kingpin did it, hijacked a TV transmission early today making threats to kill people…any of this ring a bell?

*New Yorker Three moves closer to the bandolier of pumpkin bombs that was dropped*

NY Three: Ooooh! What does this button do?

Spider-Man: No! Dee-Dee get away from that!

*A colossal explosion occurs. Miraculously, New Yorker Three is not vaporized instantly despite being at Ground Zero but does appear mildly singed*

NY Three: *gasp* I am SO suing you for this, Spider-Man!

Spider-Man: What the-

NY One: He’s right! You didn’t save him! I’m a witness!

NY Two: And I’m a lawyer! You’re doomed, Wall-Crawler.

Green Goblin Cheering Squad: Go, Goblin, Go! Squash the Spider! Go, Goblin, Go!

Peter Parker (V/O) : Things were getting weirder. I’ve never been the most popular of heroes, but even I’ve never had people actively cheering on a known super-villain while I was trying to save them. Oh well, at least I can take comfort in the fact that Norman Osborn has finally been exposed for what he is and that he’ll be behind bars for a long, long time. Now my only worries are getting Aunt May moved out of the house, getting myself and MJ moved in and the guy who is permanently bonded to my old sentient alien costume trying to eat my spleen. Yep. Things are looking pretty good now for Ol’ Peter Parker.

CUT TO: A school in Manhattan. Peter’s classroom.

Peter: So, does anyone have any questions about the laws of thermodynamics?

Student: I have a question, Mister Parker? How come a guy like you who was a world famous photographer who had a bunch of pictures published in a book and is married to a fairly prominent model/actress is slumming it out here in a teaching job?

Peter: Thank you for that rather awkward bit of exposition for everyone who has read this far and STILL knows nothing about me.

Student: Hey, I’m a nameless background character. It’s what I do.

CUT TO: A Cemetery

Peter: How could someone destroy my Uncle Ben’s tombstone?

Groundskeeper: Could be punk kids. Or his zombie corpse could have torn it asunder as he rose from the dead to exact a horrible vengeance upon you.

Peter: What?!

Groundskeeper: I’m just saying is all…

*Peter’s cel phone rings*

Peter: Yes?

Voice: Congratulations on your finally besting Norman Osborn, Mr. Parker.

Peter: You know my name and who I am?

Voice: Oh, I know a lot about you, Mr. Parker. And I am going to make your life a living hell. In fact, to give you a hint about what is about to come…

Peter: What?

Voice: “Eat your wheatcakes, Pete.”

Smiling Stan’s Background Box: Kids, Peter’s favorite food is Aunt May’s homemade wheatcakes! See Amazing Fantasy #15, if you can save up your allowance until you’re 42.

Peter: Aunt May is in trouble! No time to lose!

*Peter web-swings across the city without changing into his costume*

Peter (V/O): When will I learn to keep my mouth shut about things looking up for me? It always inevitably gets worse. And weirder. Aunt May has been put in danger before and I always found time to change into my costume before…

CUT TO: Aunt May’s House. It is trashed.

Peter: Well, there’s only one thing to do now.

CUT TO: A Street in Manhattan. Peter stands before a cab. Mary Jane is there.

MJ: There’s no way I’m leaving you, Peter.

Peter: You know, you could have voiced your objections to this before I called the cab and the meter started running…

MJ: But if he was going to come after me, wouldn’t he have come by now?

Peter: Mary Jane, would you please NOT argue with me right now?

MJ: But this isn’t the first time someone found out who you are and put me in danger! And how do we know this person isn’t watching us right now and is going to follow me, striking once I am out of the way and you aren’t around to protect me?

Peter: Just go!

MJ: Okay, Tiger. For you. But be careful and don’t do anything stupid.

CUT TO: Peter’s Apartment.

Peter (V/O) : Mary Jane was right. I was being stupid. I guess that in the rush of anger over Aunt May, I wasn’t working at my best. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I needed help if I was going to find Aunt May.

CUT TO: Somewhere in Florida. Black Cat is forcing a guy face down into sewage.

Black Cat: Yeah?

Peter: Felicia? It’s Peter?

Black Cat: I’m kinda busy, Peter.

Peter: But I need your help! Aunt May has been kidnapped!

Black Cat: Well, I’d love to help normally. But I’ve got this thing…

Peter: Yeah, but nobody else really knows my secret identity and can help me on this…

Black Cat: What about Matt Murdock? You’ve known him since before he was outed, right? Or Doctor Strange? You know where he lives. And for that matter…

Peter: Felicia, I really have nobody who can help me.

Black Cat: Okay, okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can. In the meantime, you should probably figure out who knows your secret identity that might have a grudge.

Peter: Well, let’s see… there’s Venom… Doctor Octopus if his amnesia got cured... that sick boy with Leukemia who I revealed my secret identity to…

Black Cat: What about the mad scientist who has devoted his life to driving you crazy or killing you?

Peter: Which one?

Black Cat: Osborn.

CUT TO: Riker’s Island. The Cell of Norman Osborn.

Spider-Man: Hello, Norman.

Norman: Guard? We have an unexpected visitor! And my mini-fridge is out of Evian!

Spider-Man: There’s only one and he’s on a bathroom break.

Norman: I thought it was customary practice to at least pair guards off in Maxim Security Prisons.

Spider-Man: Budget cuts. What can you do?

Norman: So why ARE you here?

Spider-Man: You kidnapped my Aunt May. I want to know where she is.

Norman: You know, it is rather difficult for me to do that from behind bars… unless I told someone else your secret identity.

Spider-Man: What?

Norman: Or at the very least, I paid someone off and told them that if I was ever arrested, they were to kidnap a certain old woman.

Spider-Man: What?

Norman: Or maybe I’m completely innocent and just having fun with you.

Spider-Man: What?

Norman: Oh, this IS fun. I could keep this up all night.

Spider-Man: What?

Norman: Apparently so can you.

Spider-Man: What?

Norman: That’s enough.

Spider-Man: What?

Norman: Hush, Parker!

Spider-Man: What?

CUT TO: The Avengers Mansion

Spider-Man (V/O) : Two hours later and I was running low on ideas. After all, I couldn’t just swing around the city and use my Spider-Sense to find Aunt May… even though I once found Mary Jane the same way. I couldn’t go to my good friend Matt Murdock, whose hypersonic senses could let him find one man by his cough in all of New York and ask him for help. I couldn’t go to Dr. Strange, even though I know where he lives and he’s helped me out with a lot less in the past. I couldn’t even go to Luke Cage and ask him to help me rough up people so it would look a lot less conspicuous for just one person to be looking for one missing old woman. No, I had to go to the biggest group of superheroes that there is… even though they don’t like me very much.

*Spider-Man pushes the doorbell*

Jarvis: Yes?

Spider-Man: Um, yeah I need to speak with Captain America?

Jarvis: And may I ask who sir is?

Spider-Man: Who am I? I’m Spider-Man!

Jarvis: Indeed. Well, rather than take your word for it or use some of the amazing technology we have here to do a DNA scan or perhaps analyze your voice based on some record that we have of it from the countless times you helped the Avengers before or even ask to see your Avengers Reserves ID card…

Spider-Man: I have no pockets! Where would I keep it?!? For that matter, where does Scarlet Witch keep hers in that belly dancing outfit she calls a costume?!

Jarvis: Well, you DO have the running gag and witty banter down. Regardless, I’m just going to release the hounds. And by hounds, I mean heavily armed security guards.

Spider-Man: Security guards? You’re the world’s greatest superhero team, with another combined power between you to nuke a city block! What do you need with security guards for?!?!

*A Massive Battle ensues, as Spider-Man single-handedly fights off all of the Security team, Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch. Too bad we don’t get to see more than a few panels of it as all the action is explained to Tony Stark by a security officer.*

Captain America: Okay. Would you care to explain what the heck just happened?

Spider-Man: *gasping for breath* Aunt kidnapped. Wanted help. Need you to call Nick Fury for me.

Captain America: Well, I’d like to son. But he’s in a parallel reality and I can’t reach his celphone.

Spider-Man: Parallel Reality? I asked for Nick Fury, not Reed freaking Richards!

Captain America: Well, can’t we help you with this?

Spider-Man: No! You don’t know my secret identity!

Tony Stark: Do you realize how stupid your whole secret identity is in the first place? I outed myself and I’ve never felt better.

Captain America: I have to agree. Ever since I revealed myself to the world, life has been much easier.

Spider-Man: Yeah, well he’s a gazillionare with body guards and you’re a refuge from the Golden Age.

Captain America: And what does that mean?

Spider-Man: Gee. I dunno. That everyone you love and care about is dead. Gone. Deceased. Dust. No longer a potential hostage. Besides, none of you understand how hard it is to be me and not be trusted…

Scarlet Witch: I do. My brother and I are mutants, despised by the greater part of human society…

Spider-Man: Oh, boo-hoo! Get over yourself. This was a big mistake! I’m gone!

CUT TO: The Streets of New York

Spider-Man (V/O): No, I had no idea why the Avengers didn’t seem to like me. But that wasn’t my problem now. Aunt May was still out there and I was still confused and lost. Still, if none of my fellow heroes could help me… maybe a villain could.

CUT TO: The Owl’s Nest

Spider-Man: Nice place you have here.

The Owl: Thank you. I bought it used from a gentleman named Cobblepot. I also assumed his position as a defacto crimelord and information broker for heroes who need plot points.

Spider-Man: Well, that’s great. I’m trying to find a kidnapping victim by the name of May Parker. Early 70’s. White hair to mid-shoulder. Blue eyes. Enjoys macramé, baking wheatcakes…. Precious, delicious wheatcakes… and kick-boxing. I went to the Avengers, but they’re jerks.

The Owl: And why should I help you?

Spider-Man: Because then I’ll owe you a favor.

The Owl: So let me see if I have this straight. You are making a deal with me, a known and convicted criminal….

Spider-Man: Yes.

The Owl: Entrusting me with more information than you were willing to give a bunch of other superheroes…

Spider-Man: Yes.

The Owl: In order to get information about this missing person that you have no other vested interest in finding other than simple decency demands it?

Spider-Man: Ummm, oh yes. Exactly.

The Owl: Right. Let me see what I can do. Wait here and my goon will amuse you with some pointless drivel about his stomach problems and his day job.

Spider-Man: What?

Thug: Oh yeah. I’m a certified CFP. I just turned to hired gooning at night to make a little extra cash.

Spider-Man: Temp goons? Wait, how much does that pay?

The Owl: Electro and Vulture.

Spider-Man: What?

The Owl: Electro and Vulture have this woman. I have no idea why or where they are, but they have her. My source is very certain about this.

Spider-Man: What?

The Owl: Oh, would you hush up and get out of here?

CUT TO: The Cliché Seedy Bar

Vulture: So you and Sandman used to come here a lot?

Electro: Oh yeah. We came here a lot to meet with Commie Spies back before historical retcons turned them into The Russian Mafia.

Vulture: You know, I find the whole idea of paying a Russian woman to sleep with me very distasteful. Particular in a PG comic book. And I’ve dropped babies to their deaths!

Electro: Oh, try and enjoy yourself! I know I will cause my favorite girl is back in town.

*Enter a fair, large Russian woman*

Vulture: Her?

Electro: Don’t be so quick to judge. She’s a shape-shifting mutant!

Russian Shapeshifter: So who shall I be for you tonight, my love?

CUT TO: The Office of “Starman” Matt Morrison.

Starman: Okay. Jeph Loeb writing style rip-off . Check. Batman story shoe-horned into Spider-Man world. Check. Super-villains getting cheered on instead of heroes. Check. And there’s the Grant Morison X-Men idea rip-off. Big ol’ Check Yep. Looks like a typical Mark Millar story so far. But at least he’s kept out any references to forced sodomy.

CUT TO: The Cliché Seedy Bar

Electro: Actually, when I was in Riker’s I got… exposed to a whole new side of myself.

CUT TO : The Officer of “Starman” Matt Morrison.

Starman: *sighs* Check and Bingo.

CUT TO: The Cliché Seedy Bar

Russian Shapeshifter: Ah. And you want me to turn into handsome guy for you?

*She leads Electro into a room where Spider-Man is already waiting*

Electro: What the? How did you get in here? And how did you know I would be coming to this room?

Spider-Man: Ummm… darned if I know. Maybe that will be explained next month?

Looking To The Stars is a critique/satire published by, and is not intended maliciously. has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceding information.

Tune in next week. Same Matt time. Same Matt website.

No comments:

Post a Comment