Monday, August 25, 2003

Trouble #2 - A Review



Mark Millar: (dragging himself to the desk in a drunken stupor) ‘Ello?

Bill Jemas: Mark! Wazzup!

Mark Millar: Sweet Jesus!

Bill Jemas: No, Jemas. El Presidente Grande?

Mark Millar: Strewth, man. I ken it was ye. Wat’s shaking?

Bill Jemas: Oh, just working on a plan for improving the company. I’m going to fire Mark Waid off Fantastic Four.

Mark Millar: Wot? That’s bloody madness, man. Did I hear ye right? I’m a wee bit knackered at the moment.

Bill Jemas: No, you heard me right. It’s all part of my brilliant plan…

Mark Millar: Wot plans dat den?

Bill Jemas: My plan to have all our regular monthly titles being written by a team of six men by the end of the year. Going to call ourselves the Ultimate Six. I’ve already got Austen taking over most of the line. Between you, him, Bendis, Stracyzinski and me we’ll have half the books by September.

Mark Millar: Whoz the sixth man going to be?

Bill Jemas: Chris Claremont and Peter David will have a Jamacian stick fight for the title at Wizard World Texas.

Mark Millar: Good idea, my lord!

Bill Jemas: Course it’s a good idea! But that’s not the point. I wanted to talk to you about a problem we have. See, for too long the superhero has dominated the comic business. I want Marvel to revive some of the dead classic genres while twisting them for the new millennium. Now, we’ve made some progress reviving the Western with the “gay cowboys eating pudding” epic that was Rawhide Kid. I thought that Marvel should bring back the romance comic next. And I thought to myself, who is the first person to come to mind when I think of brilliant, realistic romantic language yet hip and cutting edge and popular?

Mark Millar: Aww, yer too kind, Bill-

Bill Jemas: Actually, I thought of Kevin Smith. But since he said I’d be… how did he put it…“f***ing retarded” to give him a monthly title when he can’t get a mini-series done in under a year and since I can’t pay him enough to make him forget about making movies, you’re going have to do it.

Mark Millar: What? Are ye bloody mad? I’m no romantic! I write dysfunctional lunatics! Power-mad fascists! End-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-and-I-feel-like-crap epics!

Bill Jemas: Where did you get all your ideas anyway?

Mark Millar: Spend 20 years living under a Tory government and try NOT to get ideas like this!

Bill Jemas: Huh?

Mark Millar: Skip it… I’m not well. I feel like an American is trying to write my British slang… like bloody Hellblazer for the last three years.

Bill Jemas: But Mark… aren’t you Irish?

Mark Millar: … Yes! Yes, I am.

Bill Jemas: So? All you Irishmen are supposed to be great romantic poets. Look inside yourself and find a great American romantic story. For God’s Sake, man… do you want to be the poor man’s Grant Morrison for the rest of your life?

Mark Millar: But I’m not-

Bill Jemas: Listen, I’ve got to go. Ron Zimmerman wants to talk to me about his idea about bringing back Devil Dinosaur, but making him bright pink and hinting that he’s gay. Get the pitch to me by tomorrow.


Mark Millar: Right. Don’t panic, old boy. You can think of something good. Something brilliant. Something ingenious.

(An Hour and Three Guinness Later)

Mark Millar: Alright! Screw it! I’ll just base it off Spider-Man, deny that I based it off Spider-Man to the media and take the plots from a thousand teen movies and a Flintstone’s episode.


Richard: I’m a popular, good looking average American promiscuous teenage male. If this were a movie in the 80’s, I’d be played by Tom Cruise.

Ben: I’m Richard’s older brother. I’m a nice, responsible, straight-forward, conservative guy, but I feel like Esau to Richard’s Jacob.

Mary: I’m the shy, quiet blonde one destined to forever be called “Virgin Mary”.

May: I’m the wild and crazy redhead party animal. I’m always doing impulsive things.

(May rips off her clothes and jumps in a lake)

May: See?!


Fanboy #1: Dude, I am so loving that May chick.

Fanboy #2: Yeah… she’s hot. Except… oh, dude…

Fanboy #1: What is it, dude?

Fanboy #2: Ewww.. don’t you get it, dude?

Fanboy #1: What? Oh yeah… dude, how could I have missed it?

Fanboy: #2: Yeah… dude, that’s Aunt May you’re ogling.

Fanboy #1: What? Dude, I thought you meant how May is like Mary Jane and Mary is like Gwen from the old Stan Lee books.

Fanboy #2: No way dude. This is totally original! But that trashy redhead is Aunt May!

Fanboy #1: No way!

Fanboy #2: Way!


Resort Head: I’ll make sure there’s no way any of you can have sex!

Richard: Well, I’m going to make sure that I DO get to have sex.

May: Me too!

The obvious couples are mismatched. May winds up with the conservative Ben because she likes his honesty. Richard winds up with the virginal Mary and finds he likes talking to her more than having mindless sex. Ben runs out of condoms. May has some.

May: Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot!


Fanboy #1: Ah-hah! See? She is a rip-off of Mary Jane!

Fanboy #2: So you admit that is Aunt May and this is all one big in-joke for the Spider-fans?

Fanboy #1: Ewww. No way, dude! That May is HOT!

Fanboy #2: But it is still Aunt May!

Fanboy #1: No it isn’t! It can’t be. Everyone knows that Aunt May is a natural blond and that Peter’s mother Mary is a redhead!

Fanboy #2: That’s only in the ULTIMATE Universe, you dolt! In the 616 Marvel Universe, Aunt May was SO a redhead. It was shown in Spider-Man Annual-

Fanboy #1: No it wasn’t!

Fabboy #2: Yes it was!

Clerk: Will you two shut up and do something useful? Like researching all the historical inaccuracies in 1602?

Fanboy #1: And insult The Master Neil Gaiman?

Fanboy #2: Blasphemer!

(The Clerk is jumped and beaten in a scene we cannot describe due to local standards)


Jesse Baker: Darrrron! Starman ripped off my style of reviewing!

Daron, The Dark Overlord: Silence! This parody amuses me, greatly.

Matt Morrison: Wow. I wonder if Marvel will sue us over this? Then maybe I’ll get as many readers as that Al Franken guy!

This is a critique/parody published by, and is not intended maliciously. has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceding information.

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