Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 1-5
Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 6-8
Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 9-11
Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 12-15
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Sunday, June 6, 2021
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 12-15
Want to read the latest big crossovers but lack the patience to sort
through tons of tie-ins or the time to read them all? Let us sum it up
for you with our Abridged Versions.
PART TWELVE
SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.
Spider-Man: So here I am in a mystic city. For some reason, I'm overseeing Hope's training in the mystic arts of kung fu even though I have no martial arts training and I'm a man of science. I mean, it's not like I have a bond to a mystic avatar of some lost spider god or something.
Hope: I wish I was out there with the team, trying to free the rest of the Avengers. I feel so useless here.
Spider-Man: I feel that way sometimes too. But sometimes you have to trust that your moment will come and just do what you can with what you have until that time comes...
The most in-character Peter has been written since One More Day.
Suddenly, a portal opens! Several beat-up Avengers emerge.
Spider-Man: Did we save anyone?
Captain America: No, in fact even more of us got captured. Even Thor!
Spider-Man: Not Thor!
CUT TO: Siberia.
Colossus and Magik are dangling Thor over an active volcano while several X-Men watch.
Pixie: Okay - they are TOTALLY being taken over by the Phoenix.
Storm: Agreed. Namor trying to destroy an entire country is just an average Tuesday. But Peter playing death games is far too out of character even in a story like this. You all go into hiding. I will speak to my husband and let him know that not all the X-Men support The Phoenix Four.
CUT TO: Ethiopia
White Queen: Scott, I asked you to meet me here at the most deserted place on Earth because I think I'm losing control of the Phoenix. I can read minds without thinking about it now. I've been looking at so many minds. I can even sense the Avengers and where Hope is, though they're hidden behind the mystic barriers of the sacred city of K'un Lun. I'm scared of what I might wind up doing, Scott. I could end this all now and just kill them all and I think part of me wants to. Do you know what this means?
Cyclops: Yes. We can go get Hope back from those jerks in The Avengers!
Cyclops flies off leaving White Queen to mutter to herself.
CUT TO: Wakanda.
Black Panther: You shouldn't be here, Ororo. I've declared all X-Men enemies of the state.
Storm: These are still my people, T'Challa. I would help my husband rebuild our home.
Black Panther: Alas, the High Priest has annulled our marriage, so you have no home here.
Storm: But.. you're the High Priest of your state religion.
Black Panther: Yes. King Henry VIII of England drew inspiration from my ancestor in recreating his own country. So now I have taken inspiration from him.
Storm: Well, before you cut my head off you may wish to hear what I have to say about where a certain collection of prisoners is being kept.
CUT TO: Siberia.
Captain America: Are we sure this isn't a trap?
Wolverine: Storm wouldn't sell us out. What the - Chuck?
Professor X: Yes, Logan. I am here to help too. I can use my telepathy to find the captured Avengers in the hellish maze that awaits us. It seems that Magik has brought a portion of Limbo to Earth and has set it between where our friends are and where we now stand.
Doctor Strange: I shall use a spell of invisibility to mask us from the demonic underlings!
They try and sneak through the hellish maze. It does not go well.
Demon #1: Hey... do you smell a party of epic-level adventurers close by?
Demon #2: Yeah. Heh. Looks like their wizard forgot that we have ways of tracking them even if they are invisible. What a rube!
The Demons, Colossus and Magik easily dominate the battle. Off to one side, Spider-Man looks at the cave and notices that one careful kick could collapse the whole thing.
Spider-Man: Tell Hope I meant what I said.
Iron Fist: Huh? What?
Spider-Man: Never mind, it - wait, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be overseeing Hope's training?
Iron Fist: I thought that's what you were doing?
Spider-Man: *sigh* Never mind just... get everyone out. I'll hold them off!
Spider-Man gets the crap kicked out of him but he keeps trying to get up.
Colossus: Stay down.
Spider-Man: Can't do it.
Magik: Quit wasting time holding back, Peter. Just finish him off!
Colossus: Don't tell me what to do, little sister.
Magik: Don't treat me like a baby!
Spider-Man: Woah! Kids! Time-out! You're siblings. You should work together. After all, if one of you fell after coming to blows, we all know what would happen...
Magik and Colossus eye each other.
CUT TO: One Earth-Shattering FA-BOOM Later...
Spider-Man: Right. Good news I tricked them into blowing one another up. First law of superheroics - two super-powered people in costumes will start beating each other senseless given a reason to disagree.
Captain America: And the bad news?
Professor X: Scott and Emma are now twice as powerful.
PART THIRTEEN
SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.
Cyclops: Hope, you're coming with me.
Iron Man: No, she isn't!
Iron Man gets his ass kicked by Cyclops.
CUT TO: Siberia
Captain America: You should come with us, Professor.
Professor X: No. I've turned my back on my people for long enough. I let all of them - even Ororo - choose the wrong side.
Storm: Professor, I am standing right here. It is very strange, your talking about me as if I weren't here.
Professor X: Anyway, Captain - Emma and Scott have fallen. I must ensure that Mutantkind does not fall with them.
CUT TO: Utopia - Home of the X-Men
Magneto: Emma, I think this is going too far. Sure, I enjoy forcing people to bow before me and sing my praises. Who doesn't? But-
White Queen: Aren't you forgetting something, Erik? Like your helmet that blocks telepathic attacks?
Magneto: ... crap.
Magneto gets mind-tasered and collapses.
CUT TO: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.
Cyclops: Hope, I'm not here to hurt you!
Thor: Lies and chicanery! Avengers, have at him!
Thor and a bunch of other injured Avengers get their asses kicked by Cyclops.
Cyclops: That won't happen again, creature.
Lei Kung: You would kill a wounded animal? You would hurt a little girl? Where is your honor, Cyclops?
Cyclops: Seriously? The wounded animal is a mystic beast. The "little girl" is a 15 year old power mimic who looks like she's at least ten years older than that the way she's being drawn right now. And I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to a lecture about "honor" from someone who allies himself with the people who broke into my home and beat up my students. Twice! Now, come along.
Hope: Stay back!
As Hope shouts, green energy shoots out of her mouth and wounds Cyclops.
Hope: What the - I copied the dragon! How did I do that?
Scarlet Witch: It doesn't matter. I will finish this!
Scarlet Witch uses Chaos Blast! It isn't very effective!
Cyclops: Nice try, but I'm too powerful for that now.
Hope: Stop this! Go away!
PART TWELVE
SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.
Spider-Man: So here I am in a mystic city. For some reason, I'm overseeing Hope's training in the mystic arts of kung fu even though I have no martial arts training and I'm a man of science. I mean, it's not like I have a bond to a mystic avatar of some lost spider god or something.
Hope: I wish I was out there with the team, trying to free the rest of the Avengers. I feel so useless here.
Spider-Man: I feel that way sometimes too. But sometimes you have to trust that your moment will come and just do what you can with what you have until that time comes...
The most in-character Peter has been written since One More Day.
Suddenly, a portal opens! Several beat-up Avengers emerge.
Spider-Man: Did we save anyone?
Captain America: No, in fact even more of us got captured. Even Thor!
Spider-Man: Not Thor!
CUT TO: Siberia.
Colossus and Magik are dangling Thor over an active volcano while several X-Men watch.
Pixie: Okay - they are TOTALLY being taken over by the Phoenix.
Storm: Agreed. Namor trying to destroy an entire country is just an average Tuesday. But Peter playing death games is far too out of character even in a story like this. You all go into hiding. I will speak to my husband and let him know that not all the X-Men support The Phoenix Four.
CUT TO: Ethiopia
White Queen: Scott, I asked you to meet me here at the most deserted place on Earth because I think I'm losing control of the Phoenix. I can read minds without thinking about it now. I've been looking at so many minds. I can even sense the Avengers and where Hope is, though they're hidden behind the mystic barriers of the sacred city of K'un Lun. I'm scared of what I might wind up doing, Scott. I could end this all now and just kill them all and I think part of me wants to. Do you know what this means?
Cyclops: Yes. We can go get Hope back from those jerks in The Avengers!
Cyclops flies off leaving White Queen to mutter to herself.
CUT TO: Wakanda.
Black Panther: You shouldn't be here, Ororo. I've declared all X-Men enemies of the state.
Storm: These are still my people, T'Challa. I would help my husband rebuild our home.
Black Panther: Alas, the High Priest has annulled our marriage, so you have no home here.
Storm: But.. you're the High Priest of your state religion.
Black Panther: Yes. King Henry VIII of England drew inspiration from my ancestor in recreating his own country. So now I have taken inspiration from him.
Storm: Well, before you cut my head off you may wish to hear what I have to say about where a certain collection of prisoners is being kept.
CUT TO: Siberia.
Captain America: Are we sure this isn't a trap?
Wolverine: Storm wouldn't sell us out. What the - Chuck?
Professor X: Yes, Logan. I am here to help too. I can use my telepathy to find the captured Avengers in the hellish maze that awaits us. It seems that Magik has brought a portion of Limbo to Earth and has set it between where our friends are and where we now stand.
Doctor Strange: I shall use a spell of invisibility to mask us from the demonic underlings!
They try and sneak through the hellish maze. It does not go well.
Demon #1: Hey... do you smell a party of epic-level adventurers close by?
Demon #2: Yeah. Heh. Looks like their wizard forgot that we have ways of tracking them even if they are invisible. What a rube!
The Demons, Colossus and Magik easily dominate the battle. Off to one side, Spider-Man looks at the cave and notices that one careful kick could collapse the whole thing.
Spider-Man: Tell Hope I meant what I said.
Iron Fist: Huh? What?
Spider-Man: Never mind, it - wait, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be overseeing Hope's training?
Iron Fist: I thought that's what you were doing?
Spider-Man: *sigh* Never mind just... get everyone out. I'll hold them off!
Spider-Man gets the crap kicked out of him but he keeps trying to get up.
Colossus: Stay down.
Spider-Man: Can't do it.
Magik: Quit wasting time holding back, Peter. Just finish him off!
Colossus: Don't tell me what to do, little sister.
Magik: Don't treat me like a baby!
Spider-Man: Woah! Kids! Time-out! You're siblings. You should work together. After all, if one of you fell after coming to blows, we all know what would happen...
Magik and Colossus eye each other.
CUT TO: One Earth-Shattering FA-BOOM Later...
Spider-Man: Right. Good news I tricked them into blowing one another up. First law of superheroics - two super-powered people in costumes will start beating each other senseless given a reason to disagree.
Captain America: And the bad news?
Professor X: Scott and Emma are now twice as powerful.
PART THIRTEEN
SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.
Cyclops: Hope, you're coming with me.
Iron Man: No, she isn't!
Iron Man gets his ass kicked by Cyclops.
CUT TO: Siberia
Captain America: You should come with us, Professor.
Professor X: No. I've turned my back on my people for long enough. I let all of them - even Ororo - choose the wrong side.
Storm: Professor, I am standing right here. It is very strange, your talking about me as if I weren't here.
Professor X: Anyway, Captain - Emma and Scott have fallen. I must ensure that Mutantkind does not fall with them.
CUT TO: Utopia - Home of the X-Men
Magneto: Emma, I think this is going too far. Sure, I enjoy forcing people to bow before me and sing my praises. Who doesn't? But-
White Queen: Aren't you forgetting something, Erik? Like your helmet that blocks telepathic attacks?
Magneto: ... crap.
Magneto gets mind-tasered and collapses.
CUT TO: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.
Cyclops: Hope, I'm not here to hurt you!
Thor: Lies and chicanery! Avengers, have at him!
Thor and a bunch of other injured Avengers get their asses kicked by Cyclops.
Suddenly, Hope and Lei Kung The Thunderer show up on the back of a big red dragon. This is Shao Lao - the source of the Iron Fist energy. It breathes green energy on Cyclops, which actually hurts him.
Iron Man: What the - why didn't anybody tell me we had dragons? Shouldn't we have used them sooner?
Cyclops fights back and brings the dragon down.
Cyclops: That won't happen again, creature.
Lei Kung: You would kill a wounded animal? You would hurt a little girl? Where is your honor, Cyclops?
Cyclops: Seriously? The wounded animal is a mystic beast. The "little girl" is a 15 year old power mimic who looks like she's at least ten years older than that the way she's being drawn right now. And I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to a lecture about "honor" from someone who allies himself with the people who broke into my home and beat up my students. Twice! Now, come along.
Hope: Stay back!
As Hope shouts, green energy shoots out of her mouth and wounds Cyclops.
Hope: What the - I copied the dragon! How did I do that?
Scarlet Witch: It doesn't matter. I will finish this!
Scarlet Witch uses Chaos Blast! It isn't very effective!
Cyclops: Nice try, but I'm too powerful for that now.
Hope: Stop this! Go away!
Hope Uses Chaos Fist! It is super effective!
Hope: What did I just do? Where did Cyclops go?
CUT TO: The Moon
Cyclops lies in a smoking crater.
Cyclops: Ow.
The Watcher: Get off my lawn, you kids!
CUT TO: The Moon
Cyclops lies in a smoking crater.
Cyclops: Ow.
The Watcher: Get off my lawn, you kids!
CUT TO: The Mystical City of K'un Lun - A Planned Community.
Captain America: What happened while we were out?
Iron Man: Hope kicked Cyclops's ass! And I think I know how. But the explanation will have to wait for an issue.
Iron Man: Hope kicked Cyclops's ass! And I think I know how. But the explanation will have to wait for an issue.
PART FOURTEEN
Captain America: Okay. So to recap, all of The Avengers are suddenly healed now. Somehow. And I talked the Hulk into joining us.
Professor X: While I have gathered most of my X-Men who had given up on Utopia and persuaded them to fight on your side in the coming battle.
Spider-Man: So... your entire plan is just to throw everybody at the Phoenix Two and hope we can win?
Captain America: Yes! It can't fail!
Spider-Man: Didn't we just discover something about Hope? And The Iron Fist? And Scarlett Witch? And mixing them together? Or did I just imagine all that? Shouldn't we utilize them in some fashion?
Captain America: No! Just throw C-listers at them until they get bored and make a big speech then bring in the heavy guns! That's The Avengers way.
Spider-Man: So, Professor - any chance the X-Men are recruiting?
The Avengers/X-Men Alliance go to Utopia. It does not go well, even with Magneto joining the fight alongside Professor X.
Professor X: I'm sorry, Scott. I did fail you. I shouldn't have hidden away from the world.
Cyclops: Get out of my head!
Captain America: Scott Summers, you are under arrest for crimes against humanity!
Cyclops: ... what crimes? You know what - to hell with it. You want me to be the bad guy? Fine. I'm sorry, Emma.
White Queen: Sorry? Whatever f-
Cyclops blasts White Queen.
White Queen: You son of a -ugggggh.
Professor X: Scott, please stop this.
Cyclops blasts Professor X.
Professor X: Ack! I am slain!
Cyclops: I am Phoenix!
Captain America: Okay. So to recap, all of The Avengers are suddenly healed now. Somehow. And I talked the Hulk into joining us.
Professor X: While I have gathered most of my X-Men who had given up on Utopia and persuaded them to fight on your side in the coming battle.
Spider-Man: So... your entire plan is just to throw everybody at the Phoenix Two and hope we can win?
Captain America: Yes! It can't fail!
Spider-Man: Didn't we just discover something about Hope? And The Iron Fist? And Scarlett Witch? And mixing them together? Or did I just imagine all that? Shouldn't we utilize them in some fashion?
Captain America: No! Just throw C-listers at them until they get bored and make a big speech then bring in the heavy guns! That's The Avengers way.
Spider-Man: So, Professor - any chance the X-Men are recruiting?
The Avengers/X-Men Alliance go to Utopia. It does not go well, even with Magneto joining the fight alongside Professor X.
Professor X: I'm sorry, Scott. I did fail you. I shouldn't have hidden away from the world.
Cyclops: Get out of my head!
Captain America: Scott Summers, you are under arrest for crimes against humanity!
Cyclops: ... what crimes? You know what - to hell with it. You want me to be the bad guy? Fine. I'm sorry, Emma.
White Queen: Sorry? Whatever f-
Cyclops blasts White Queen.
White Queen: You son of a -ugggggh.
Professor X: Scott, please stop this.
Cyclops blasts Professor X.
Professor X: Ack! I am slain!
Cyclops: I am Phoenix!
PART FIFTEEN
SCENE: The Mystical City of K'un Lun -Three Days Earlier
Iron Man: So, Wanda went crazy and used her powers to change the world with her chaos magic. Twice. And the second time she got rid of most of the mutants. But then The Phoenix came and it created Hope. The last mutant. So you have these two forces... like Yin and Yang... the order of The Phoenix and the chaos magic Wanda uses. Well, at the moment.
Captain America: Tony, have you been drinking again?
Captain America: Tony, have you been drinking again?
Iron Man: Better! I've found faith!! And I think if we can get Hope and Wanda to work together, we can fight The Phoenix! Now, what we'll do is throw all the C-Listers at the Phoenix, like usual. But we're really going to have a real plan the whole time!
CUT TO: Utopia. Now.
Cyclops kicks everyone's asses even as the heroes scatter around the world and fight him in multiple places at once. Cyclops still kicks all the ass there is to be kicked.
Cyclops kicks everyone's asses even as the heroes scatter around the world and fight him in multiple places at once. Cyclops still kicks all the ass there is to be kicked.
Cyclops: Throwing all the other heroes at me at once? I thought you'd have come up with a different plan if not a better once.
Hope: We did!
Iron Man: You see, if Wanda uses her chaos magic against the Phoenix and Hope copies Wanda's powers and MIXES it with her Iron Fist training....
Hope: We did!
Iron Man: You see, if Wanda uses her chaos magic against the Phoenix and Hope copies Wanda's powers and MIXES it with her Iron Fist training....
Spider-Man: Wait, wait, wait... so you're mixing some kind of magic that I thought we agreed didn't exist and getting a mutant who copies other mutant's powers to copy that... somehow... and then channeling that through magical punches? That doesn't make a bit of sense!
Iron Man: It doesn't have to! We have faith!
The Phoenix Energy flows out of Cyclops as Scarlet Witch and Hope punch him.
Everyone: Yes!
The Phoenix Energy suddenly flows into Hope.
Hope: It's okay. I can use it now. I can fix all this.
Scarlet Witch: No, Hope. WE can fix all this. Say it with me.
Hope: Oh, okay.
Both: No more Phoenix!
Energy washes over the Earth. We get a montage of scenes of people around the earth suddenly manifesting powers.
Spider-Man: Hey guys! I'm in China! This girl just grew wings! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Also, how did I get to China? Hello?
CUT TO: A Prison Cell. Sometime Later.
Cyclops: I don't remember anything past a certain point but I remember enough. I nearly destroyed the world and I killed Charles Xavier.
Captain America: Among other things.
Cyclops: Well, I'll take full responsibility for all of it. But everyone else deserve mercy.
Captain America: You're not in a position to ask for anything. Emma Frost, Colossus, Magneto? They all have to answer for what they've done.
Cyclops: Magneto? He was fighting for you at the end.
Captain America: Was he? Oh well... the point is that I get that The Phoenix was responsible for most of it. And I admit that you had a point about my not doing enough to help Mutants in the past. But that changes now.
Cyclops: Well, good. I guess this is a happy ending for us both then.
Captain America: Don't you dare try and call this a win!
Cyclops: How can I not? I was right about Hope and The Phoenix the whole time, wasn't I?
Captain America: Well, yes...
Cyclops: And if you or Logan had gotten your way earlier, The Phoenix would have killed us all, right?
Captain America: Probably...
Cyclops: And if it hadn't been for you all getting involved in our business in the first place without bothering to consult me or even try talk to me like a civilized person and offer to help rather than storming in with your gleaming jackboots, saying "we're taking your adopted daughter and this isn't a request..."
Captain America: Okay, okay. But you still killed your spiritual father and one of the finest men I've ever known.
Cyclops: Yes, and I regret that and would trade places with him if I could. But there's mutants again. And everything we did as the Phoenix Five - all the power plants and farm land and fresh water? That's still standing, right?
Captain America: Uh... there's no reason why they shouldn't be. Damnit, this IS a win for you, isn't it?
Cyclops: Hate to say I told you so...
Captain America: No you don't!
Cyclops: No, I don't.
Iron Man: It doesn't have to! We have faith!
The Phoenix Energy flows out of Cyclops as Scarlet Witch and Hope punch him.
Everyone: Yes!
The Phoenix Energy suddenly flows into Hope.
Everyone: Noooooooooo!
Hope: It's okay. I can use it now. I can fix all this.
Scarlet Witch: No, Hope. WE can fix all this. Say it with me.
Hope: Oh, okay.
Both: No more Phoenix!
Energy washes over the Earth. We get a montage of scenes of people around the earth suddenly manifesting powers.
Spider-Man: Hey guys! I'm in China! This girl just grew wings! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Also, how did I get to China? Hello?
CUT TO: A Prison Cell. Sometime Later.
Cyclops: I don't remember anything past a certain point but I remember enough. I nearly destroyed the world and I killed Charles Xavier.
Captain America: Among other things.
Cyclops: Well, I'll take full responsibility for all of it. But everyone else deserve mercy.
Captain America: You're not in a position to ask for anything. Emma Frost, Colossus, Magneto? They all have to answer for what they've done.
Cyclops: Magneto? He was fighting for you at the end.
Captain America: Was he? Oh well... the point is that I get that The Phoenix was responsible for most of it. And I admit that you had a point about my not doing enough to help Mutants in the past. But that changes now.
Cyclops: Well, good. I guess this is a happy ending for us both then.
Captain America: Don't you dare try and call this a win!
Cyclops: How can I not? I was right about Hope and The Phoenix the whole time, wasn't I?
Captain America: Well, yes...
Cyclops: And if you or Logan had gotten your way earlier, The Phoenix would have killed us all, right?
Captain America: Probably...
Cyclops: And if it hadn't been for you all getting involved in our business in the first place without bothering to consult me or even try talk to me like a civilized person and offer to help rather than storming in with your gleaming jackboots, saying "we're taking your adopted daughter and this isn't a request..."
Captain America: Okay, okay. But you still killed your spiritual father and one of the finest men I've ever known.
Cyclops: Yes, and I regret that and would trade places with him if I could. But there's mutants again. And everything we did as the Phoenix Five - all the power plants and farm land and fresh water? That's still standing, right?
Captain America: Uh... there's no reason why they shouldn't be. Damnit, this IS a win for you, isn't it?
Cyclops: Hate to say I told you so...
Captain America: No you don't!
Cyclops: No, I don't.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 9-11
Want to read the latest big crossovers but lack the patience to sort
through tons of tie-ins or the time to read them all? Let us sum it up
for you with our Abridged Versions.
PART NINE
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Professor X: Scott, what are you doing?
Cyclops: Building a better world, like you taught me to. As we speak, Peter and his sister are solving world hunger. Namor is arranging for fresh water to be distributed around the world. Emma is working on building perpetual energy generators for the most impoverished nations in the world. And since we started talking, I've calculated a permanent cure for male pattern baldness.
Professor X: Really? A permanent cure? Well, that is - what am I saying? Scott, you can't just give these things to people.
Cyclops: I'm pretty sure I can. What you mean is that I shouldn't.
Professor X: Yes! This is all meaningless unless people suffer for it!
Cyclops: Right. Because being hated for what we are, hunted like animals, locked in concentration camps, recruited as slave labor, forced to live in the sewers, kicked out of our homes, abandoned by our family and friends... to say nothing of all the friends and family we've lost to anti-Mutant violence....NONE of us have suffered nearly enough.
Professor X: When did you get so sanctimonious?
Cyclops: I had a good teacher.
Black Panther: Do we really have a problem? They are doing much to help the world become a better place.
Wolverine: We could have just avoided all this if you'd let me kill the girl earlier.
The President: So what you're telling me is that The Phoenix Five appeared before the United Nations and declared themselves the world police?
Iron Man: Yes.
Black Panther: That's not entirely accurate. I remember it like it was a flashback...
Things go well for The Avengers until The Phoenix Five show up and neutralize them all easily.
Cyclops: Oh, for the love of... do you have any idea how bad this looks? Seriously? We're building a better world and you're beating up children and trying to kidnap Hope against her will.
Hope: Actually, I kinda want to go with them.
Cyclops: No, you don't. Honestly, I'm surprised Captain. I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to try storming our home a second time.
Iron Man: In Cap's defense, I'm pretty sure the beating up children thing was Hank Pym's idea.
Cyclops: Huh. That figures. Well, Fun is fun but I can't let this slide. The only thing that can save you now is an improbable Deus Ex Machina.
Iron Man: Okay. Logan, Hope and I will go to the mystical city of Kung Fu. Cap, use the secret weapon when it's time. Good luck, guys!
All hell breaks loose in Wakanda as the streets flood and Atlantean soldiers begin killing random civilians as Namor rants about being unappreciated.
Black Panther: Oh, NOW you want to try talking to them?
Captain America: Don't you see what he has done here, Panther?
Black Panther: I see Namor destroying a lot of my native land.
Captain America: Not him! Cyclops! Scott Summers has revealed himself. This is an act of war against innocent people! This proves us right!
The Avengers show up and start trying to beat up Namor. At no point do we see any of them trying to limit civilian casualties or actually save people.
CUT TO: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Magneto: I have a riddle for you, Scott - what rules an undersea kingdom, has the power of a god, a bad attitude and is currently decimating Wakunda?
Cyclops: Oh hell...
White Queen: You should have seen this coming, dear. He is his own man and he does what he wants.
Cyclops: Yes, but all those people... all those deaths.
White Queen: True. On the other hand, now we know where all The Avengers we haven't captured yet are.
Cyclops: To Wakanda!
CUT TO: Wakanda
The Avengers finally knock Namor out... just as the rest of the Phoenix Five show up. Thankfully, there's a sudden burst of energy that envelopes them all.
Spider-Man: What's going on? And when did I get here?
Namor: The power... is going to them....
Captain America: No time to gawk, folks! This had better work, Tony...
Suddenly, The Avengers all disappear.
Colossus: Do you feel that too?
Magik: Yessss... the power.
White Queen: All Namor's power has come to us...
Professor X (telepathically): SCOTT SUMMERS, YOU WILL STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
Cyclops: Stop what? The destruction of Wakanda? Not my idea! And everything I've done to The Avengers came after they broke into our home and beat our children!
Professor X (telepathically): Stop now or I will stop you.
Cyclops: ... you can try.
CUT TO:K'un Lun
Thing: Right, so to recap what Spider-Man somehow overheard Namor say - all his power went to the rest of the Phoenix Folks. It took all of us to beat ONE of them. And now the rest of them are more powerful. So even if we find a way to take the rest of them out one at a time, we're just gonna keep making them more powerful.
Spider-Man: Sucks to be us, doesn't it?
PART NINE
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Professor X: Scott, what are you doing?
Cyclops: Building a better world, like you taught me to. As we speak, Peter and his sister are solving world hunger. Namor is arranging for fresh water to be distributed around the world. Emma is working on building perpetual energy generators for the most impoverished nations in the world. And since we started talking, I've calculated a permanent cure for male pattern baldness.
Professor X: Really? A permanent cure? Well, that is - what am I saying? Scott, you can't just give these things to people.
Cyclops: I'm pretty sure I can. What you mean is that I shouldn't.
Professor X: Yes! This is all meaningless unless people suffer for it!
Cyclops: Right. Because being hated for what we are, hunted like animals, locked in concentration camps, recruited as slave labor, forced to live in the sewers, kicked out of our homes, abandoned by our family and friends... to say nothing of all the friends and family we've lost to anti-Mutant violence....NONE of us have suffered nearly enough.
Professor X: When did you get so sanctimonious?
Cyclops: I had a good teacher.
CUT TO: Avengers Tower
Iron Fist: So we were cornered by these electric alien things. I thought we were goners. Then Colossus showed up.
Captain America: Ah. And no doubt he said something evil and killed them all.
Iron Fist: Actually, he just talked to them.
Captain America: He talked to them... saying evil things before killing them?
Iron Fist: No, he just... listened to their concerns, talked to them and they agreed to become a power source for all of Eastern Europe.
Captain America: Damn those space hippie firebird people!
Iron Fist: Sorry, Cap. But I think they're legit on this whole saving the world instead of destroying it thing.
Iron Fist: Actually, he just talked to them.
Captain America: He talked to them... saying evil things before killing them?
Iron Fist: No, he just... listened to their concerns, talked to them and they agreed to become a power source for all of Eastern Europe.
Captain America: Damn those space hippie firebird people!
Iron Fist: Sorry, Cap. But I think they're legit on this whole saving the world instead of destroying it thing.
Captain America: Right. Eggheads, what have you got for me?
Beast: Right now? Jack and Squat. And I believe Logan drunk most of the Jack.
Iron Man: Well.. I think I figured out what Pym did wrong. But so far I can only figure out how to further split the Phoenix Force down until every mutant on Earth is hosting it.
Beast: Right now? Jack and Squat. And I believe Logan drunk most of the Jack.
Iron Man: Well.. I think I figured out what Pym did wrong. But so far I can only figure out how to further split the Phoenix Force down until every mutant on Earth is hosting it.
Captain America: That doesn't solve our problem.
Black Panther: Do we really have a problem? They are doing much to help the world become a better place.
Wolverine: We could have just avoided all this if you'd let me kill the girl earlier.
Beast: Right. I'm out.
Captain America: What's wrong, Hank? You refuse to work toward killing or hurting your friends?
Beast: That and the fact that - and I can't believe I'm saying this - you've become more insufferably pig-headed than Cyclops!
Beast: That and the fact that - and I can't believe I'm saying this - you've become more insufferably pig-headed than Cyclops!
We're treated to a montage of White Queen and Magik stopping a war, Namor beaching several warships and Colossus getting rid of every nuclear weapon on the planet. Because there's a law that any superhero who gets phenomenal cosmic power has to get rid of every nuclear weapon on the planet. Seriously. They all do it.
CUT TO: K'un Lun - An Hidden Ancient Asian City With Crazy Monks.
Not created by Grant Morrison, oddly enough.
Not created by Grant Morrison, oddly enough.
Monk In Costume: I saw a giant fire bird in the sky.
Old Monk With Eyes In Hand: Ah yes. Ancient scroll tells of this. Iron Fist ineeded to fight The Phoenix. And that is our entire scene this issue..
CUT TO: The White House
Old Monk With Eyes In Hand: Ah yes. Ancient scroll tells of this. Iron Fist ineeded to fight The Phoenix. And that is our entire scene this issue..
CUT TO: The White House
The President: So what you're telling me is that The Phoenix Five appeared before the United Nations and declared themselves the world police?
Iron Man: Yes.
Black Panther: That's not entirely accurate. I remember it like it was a flashback...
The President: So... basically, they'll prevent our enemies from committing acts of violence against anyone so long as we swear off violence ourselves and devote ourselves toward doing good and making the world a better place?
Iron Man: Uh... yes.
The President: Damn those space hippie firebird people!
Captain America: That's what I said!
The President: Gentlemen, you have my permission to do whatever it takes to stop The Phoenix Five from ending our way of life.
Iron Man: Uh... yes.
The President: Damn those space hippie firebird people!
Captain America: That's what I said!
The President: Gentlemen, you have my permission to do whatever it takes to stop The Phoenix Five from ending our way of life.
CUT TO: An Avengers Jet Flying Over Utopia
Captain America: Right. So is everyone clear on this plan?
Hawkeye: Do the same thing we tried last time we stormed Utopia, what with the kidnapping a teenage girl from the only home she's ever truly known. Only this time we try it with less people, less resources and pull it off under the nose of five all-knowing cosmic beings who hate our guts?
Captain America:... sure, it sounds stupid when YOU say it.
Hawkeye: Do the same thing we tried last time we stormed Utopia, what with the kidnapping a teenage girl from the only home she's ever truly known. Only this time we try it with less people, less resources and pull it off under the nose of five all-knowing cosmic beings who hate our guts?
Captain America:... sure, it sounds stupid when YOU say it.
The Avengers parachute jump out of a moving plane onto Utopia. They break down a wall and begin beating up mutant teenagers trying to get to Hope.
Earth's Mightiest Heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
Earth's Mightiest Heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
Things go well for The Avengers until The Phoenix Five show up and neutralize them all easily.
Cyclops: Oh, for the love of... do you have any idea how bad this looks? Seriously? We're building a better world and you're beating up children and trying to kidnap Hope against her will.
Hope: Actually, I kinda want to go with them.
Cyclops: No, you don't. Honestly, I'm surprised Captain. I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to try storming our home a second time.
Iron Man: In Cap's defense, I'm pretty sure the beating up children thing was Hank Pym's idea.
Cyclops: Huh. That figures. Well, Fun is fun but I can't let this slide. The only thing that can save you now is an improbable Deus Ex Machina.
Scarlet Witch: And... that's my cue.
All: THE SCARLETT WITCH!
Scarlet Witch: Yes. I've had a vision that this would happen and that it will end badly. For the sake of everyone, I am taking The Avengers home. And Hope is coming with me.
Cyclops: Now, hold on -
Scarlet Witch: That was not a request!
Scarlet Witch: That was not a request!
She blasts Cyclops. He actually feels it.
White Queen: Chaos, Scott... I sense nothing but Chaos Energy around her....
Cyclops: What? I thought her powers just involved random luck manipulation?!
Cyclops: What? I thought her powers just involved random luck manipulation?!
Scarlet Witch: Eh, depends on whoever is writing me at the time.
They disappear.
Cyclops: Okay then. We'll play it your way.
PART TEN
SCENE: New York City
In the time between issues, The Phoenix Five have captured the Avengers Tower and put The Avengers on the defensive. Cyclops tells everyone about this, because why would we want to see such a daring action sequence in a comic book? Also, Cyclops describes their other more recent victories, even though the whole team should know this as a) they were there and b) they're basically omniscient.
Cyclops: Remember - capturing Scarlet Witch is priority one, but neutralize any Avengers you can!
Magik: Opening a portal now.
Captain America: It's them! Attack! Try and push them towards Wanda.
Vision: Words not found in vocabulary to describe how distasteful I find her presence.
Scarlet Witch: I'm not happy to be here either, you know.
Iron Man: Focus, Wanda. I need you to focus on feeding me data on the Phoenix Energy.
Scarlet Witch: Focus, Tony? You want me balancing your data AND providing cover fire for our team? Whose idea was it to have Vision here anyway? And don't say Hank Pym.
Iron Man: ... Doctor Druid?
Vision gets blasted by X-Men. This distracts Scarlet Witch, which messes up Tony's readings. Wanda freezes up and the only thing that saves her is Hawkeye knocking her out of the way before being set on fire before The Avengers get teleported away. Just a reminder - Scarlet Witch was responsible for Hawkeye dying and he still risked his life to save her because Hawkeye is awesome. He's also the only Avenger who does anything heroic in this story so far. Luckily, the fire only leaves him mostly dead, so The Phoenix Five can heal him before putting him in their brig.
Namor: We should start killing them.
Magik: I agree. Especially Scarlet Witch.
Cyclops: No. Killing is not our way. We're supposed to be showing them a better path. Do you think Captain America is looking for a victory at any cost?
CUT TO: Wakanda
Captain America: We need victories and we need them yesterday. Tell me what you've got boys. I want victory at any cost!
Iron Man: Well.. I'm working on another Phoenix Buster armor. But I need more time and more data to make sure it will work.
Captain America: You've got nothing.
Black Panther: Tony, I can't help but notice that this isn't so much an armored suit as it is a mobile suicide bomb.
Iron Man: Yeah, well I'm responsible for The Phoenix Five coming into being. Figure if someone should die stopping it...
Black Panther Slaps Iron Man! It is Super Effective!
Black Panther: You don't get to kill yourself just because you can't find an answer using super science. My own abilities come from a combination of mysticism and advanced technology. I believe a solution to dealing with The Phoenix can be found by exploring the boundary between both. We must find a solution in the spiritual plane.
Iron Man: Shyeah, right! And I suppose a magic portal will just open up with a solution to our problems?
A Magic Portal Opens. Out steps Iron Fist And The Monk In Costume from earlier step out.
Iron Fist: Hey guys! This is Lei Kung, The Thunderer of K'un Lun - the mystical city of Kung Fu where I -
Iron Man: - have discovered a solution to all our problems?
Iron Fist: Yes!
Iron Man: Not a word, T'challa!
Hope and Wolverine get ready to take Hope to K'un Lun so she can learn how to use The Iron Fist to fight The Phoenix. Meanwhile, Tony discovers some kind of connection between The Scarlet Witch's chaos energy (which she has in this issue) and the Phoenix Force. Everyone else keeps fighting everyone else until Namor attacks Wakanda with a giant tidal wave and the Atlantean army.
SCENE: New York City
In the time between issues, The Phoenix Five have captured the Avengers Tower and put The Avengers on the defensive. Cyclops tells everyone about this, because why would we want to see such a daring action sequence in a comic book? Also, Cyclops describes their other more recent victories, even though the whole team should know this as a) they were there and b) they're basically omniscient.
Cyclops: Remember - capturing Scarlet Witch is priority one, but neutralize any Avengers you can!
Magik: Opening a portal now.
Captain America: It's them! Attack! Try and push them towards Wanda.
Vision: Words not found in vocabulary to describe how distasteful I find her presence.
Scarlet Witch: I'm not happy to be here either, you know.
Iron Man: Focus, Wanda. I need you to focus on feeding me data on the Phoenix Energy.
Scarlet Witch: Focus, Tony? You want me balancing your data AND providing cover fire for our team? Whose idea was it to have Vision here anyway? And don't say Hank Pym.
Iron Man: ... Doctor Druid?
Vision gets blasted by X-Men. This distracts Scarlet Witch, which messes up Tony's readings. Wanda freezes up and the only thing that saves her is Hawkeye knocking her out of the way before being set on fire before The Avengers get teleported away. Just a reminder - Scarlet Witch was responsible for Hawkeye dying and he still risked his life to save her because Hawkeye is awesome. He's also the only Avenger who does anything heroic in this story so far. Luckily, the fire only leaves him mostly dead, so The Phoenix Five can heal him before putting him in their brig.
Namor: We should start killing them.
Magik: I agree. Especially Scarlet Witch.
Cyclops: No. Killing is not our way. We're supposed to be showing them a better path. Do you think Captain America is looking for a victory at any cost?
CUT TO: Wakanda
Captain America: We need victories and we need them yesterday. Tell me what you've got boys. I want victory at any cost!
Iron Man: Well.. I'm working on another Phoenix Buster armor. But I need more time and more data to make sure it will work.
Captain America: You've got nothing.
Black Panther: Tony, I can't help but notice that this isn't so much an armored suit as it is a mobile suicide bomb.
Iron Man: Yeah, well I'm responsible for The Phoenix Five coming into being. Figure if someone should die stopping it...
Black Panther Slaps Iron Man! It is Super Effective!
Black Panther: You don't get to kill yourself just because you can't find an answer using super science. My own abilities come from a combination of mysticism and advanced technology. I believe a solution to dealing with The Phoenix can be found by exploring the boundary between both. We must find a solution in the spiritual plane.
Iron Man: Shyeah, right! And I suppose a magic portal will just open up with a solution to our problems?
A Magic Portal Opens. Out steps Iron Fist And The Monk In Costume from earlier step out.
Iron Fist: Hey guys! This is Lei Kung, The Thunderer of K'un Lun - the mystical city of Kung Fu where I -
Iron Man: - have discovered a solution to all our problems?
Iron Fist: Yes!
Iron Man: Not a word, T'challa!
Hope and Wolverine get ready to take Hope to K'un Lun so she can learn how to use The Iron Fist to fight The Phoenix. Meanwhile, Tony discovers some kind of connection between The Scarlet Witch's chaos energy (which she has in this issue) and the Phoenix Force. Everyone else keeps fighting everyone else until Namor attacks Wakanda with a giant tidal wave and the Atlantean army.
PART ELEVEN
SCENE: Wakanda
Iron Man: Okay. Logan, Hope and I will go to the mystical city of Kung Fu. Cap, use the secret weapon when it's time. Good luck, guys!
All hell breaks loose in Wakanda as the streets flood and Atlantean soldiers begin killing random civilians as Namor rants about being unappreciated.
Black Panther: I will kill Namor for this.
Captain America: I know Namor. I'll get him to stop.
Captain America: I know Namor. I'll get him to stop.
Black Panther: Oh, NOW you want to try talking to them?
Captain America: Don't you see what he has done here, Panther?
Black Panther: I see Namor destroying a lot of my native land.
Captain America: Not him! Cyclops! Scott Summers has revealed himself. This is an act of war against innocent people! This proves us right!
Black Panther: Well, fantastic! I'm sure that will prove a great comfort to my people.. I shall have the royal dancers create a special "Cap Is Right" dance and hold a parade in the streets of Wakanda for you. Assuming I still have royal dancers or streets once Namor is done destroying my kingdom!
Captain America: Oh! Right! Avengers Assemble!
(PARODIST'S NOTE - Sadly, I'm not altering the dialogue in this scene all that much.)
Captain America: Oh! Right! Avengers Assemble!
(PARODIST'S NOTE - Sadly, I'm not altering the dialogue in this scene all that much.)
The Avengers show up and start trying to beat up Namor. At no point do we see any of them trying to limit civilian casualties or actually save people.
CUT TO: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Magneto: I have a riddle for you, Scott - what rules an undersea kingdom, has the power of a god, a bad attitude and is currently decimating Wakunda?
Cyclops: Oh hell...
White Queen: You should have seen this coming, dear. He is his own man and he does what he wants.
Cyclops: Yes, but all those people... all those deaths.
White Queen: True. On the other hand, now we know where all The Avengers we haven't captured yet are.
Cyclops: To Wakanda!
CUT TO: Wakanda
The Avengers finally knock Namor out... just as the rest of the Phoenix Five show up. Thankfully, there's a sudden burst of energy that envelopes them all.
Spider-Man: What's going on? And when did I get here?
Namor: The power... is going to them....
Captain America: No time to gawk, folks! This had better work, Tony...
Suddenly, The Avengers all disappear.
Colossus: Do you feel that too?
Magik: Yessss... the power.
White Queen: All Namor's power has come to us...
Professor X (telepathically): SCOTT SUMMERS, YOU WILL STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
Cyclops: Stop what? The destruction of Wakanda? Not my idea! And everything I've done to The Avengers came after they broke into our home and beat our children!
Professor X (telepathically): Stop now or I will stop you.
Cyclops: ... you can try.
CUT TO:K'un Lun
Thing: Right, so to recap what Spider-Man somehow overheard Namor say - all his power went to the rest of the Phoenix Folks. It took all of us to beat ONE of them. And now the rest of them are more powerful. So even if we find a way to take the rest of them out one at a time, we're just gonna keep making them more powerful.
Spider-Man: Sucks to be us, doesn't it?
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 6-8
Want to read the latest big crossovers but lack the patience to sort
through tons of tie-ins or the time to read them all? Let us sum it up
for you with our Abridged Versions.
PART SIX
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Wolverine, nearly burned beyond all recognition, suddenly sits up screaming.
Spider-Man: Good morning to you too, Crispy Critter.
Wolverine: What happened?
Spider-Man: You were going to kill Hope. She set you on fire and ran for it.
Wolverine: That's right... starting to remember now...
Wolverine: You were a REAL big help during that fight...
Spider-Man: Uh, I'll handle the sarcasm, thank you.
Wolverine: So what happened after that?
Spider-Man: Well, after they found out Hope ran off, all the X-Men surrendered. Right now they're all on the Hellicarrier. I think Cap and Tony are still trying to figure out what to do with them.
Wolverine: Oh hell....
Spider-Man: What?
Wolverine: Didn't you see Avengers?
Spider-Man: Of course.
Wolverine: What's the only reason anyone ever surrenders themselves into SHIELD custody?
Spider-Man: .. like a great man squid once said, It's a trap!
CUT TO:The Deck Of The SHIELD Hellicarrier
Captain America: I don't care if the UN does recognize them as a sovereign nation -
Iron Man: Which they don't. Cap, I agree with you. But they haven't broken any laws!
Captain America: That doesn't mean we can't lock them up so they're out of the way while we find this Phoenix Girl.
Iron Man: I'm sorry... am I talking to Steve Rogers or John Walker? Because the Captain America I know would never advocate locking up people who hadn't committed a crime. And I can't tell you how much it scares me that it's ME having to point this out to you!
Dr. Strange suddenly appears, carrying Magik. He hovers next to Cyclops.
Dr. Strange: Hey, Scott! Here's Magik - safe and sound. I have her in a holding spell. Nothing to worry about.
Wolverine: HEY!
Cyclops: Oh crap. Magik! Backdoor!
The X-Men all disappear as "Magik" turns into Dr. Strange.
Captain America: What the -?
Dr. Strange: I'm sorry, Steve. She overwhelmed me when I followed her into her realm. The illusion spell masked us both until she was in position to teleport herself and her comrades away.
Captain America: Wait? So the only reason they surrendered...
Wolverine: ... was to get all their leaders in one place so they could escape at the same time!
CUT TO: Long Beach
Cyclops: Nice job, Magik. Now, to think of a plan.
Magneto: That grand escape wasn't part of a plan?
Cyclops: No, believe it or not I'm just making it up as we go along. I suppose we should try and win allies among all the X-Men who were teamed up with Logan, now that the US Government and The Avengers have turned on Mrutantkind. And we should probably try and get a hold of his Cerebra unit so we can track down Hope.
White Queen: Do you think she's alright?
Cyclops: Are you kidding? She's probably besides herself! Poor girl just got run out of the only home she's ever known. And she's never been out on her own before. She's probably hiding somewhere, waiting for us to find her.
CUT TO: An Electronics Shop In San Francisco.
Hope works on some metal device that straps on to her wrist.
Hope: There! A working Pip-Boy 3000! Now, to program on the Wristlojackimator app!
CUT TO: Avengers Tower, Manhattan Island.
Wolverine is on the phone with Rachel "Phoenix" Summers while Captain America listens in.
Wolverine: What do you mean she's in five places at once?
Rachel Summers: Just that. Her energy signature is in five different locations - all of them hard to get to. I can't get Cerebra to narrow it down further than that.
Captain America: We need better than that! If we don't find that girl before The Phoenix gets here, the entire planet is doomed!
Rachel Summers: That's a slight exaggeration, isn't it? I mean, I've been tapping into the Phoenix Force for years -
Captain America hangs up the phone.
Wolverine: What the hell, Steve?
Captain America: I don't have time for words, Logan! We've wasted enough time talking! And I don't listen to killers. Now,where is it we're sending our people to look for this girl?
Wolverine: Wundagore Mountain, Latveria, Tabula Rasa, Wakunda and... The Savage Land? Don't we need to contact the UN to get approval to go into some of these places? Or at least call ahead?
Captain America: No time! Avengers Assemble!
Wolverine: Huh. How did I become the calm, reasonable one?
CUT TO: Upstate New York - The Jean Grey School For Higher Learning
Rachel Summers (telepathically): Scott, can you hear me?
Cyclops (telepathically): Yep. Got something for me?
Rachel Summers (telepathically): Yeah, but you'd better hurry. The Avengers are already on the move. So, when we find Hope, do you want me to talk to her? Because I could totally use my experience...
Cyclops (telepathically): Ring Ring! Oh, sorry, Rachel. I have Emma on the other line.
Rachel Summers (telepathically): ... did you really just think the words "Ring Ring" at me?
Cyclops (telepathically): Dammit, Emma! Cut me out now! Now!
CUT TO: Avengers Quinjet, En Route to The Savage Land
Captain America: Let's talk, Logan. Alone. Out on the loading dock.
Wolverine: Uh... okay. About what?
Captain America: About you trying to kill this girl. About you not following orders. About how I don't think I can trust you. You're sitting this one out.
Wolverine: Bit late to be talking about this when I'm already here, ain't it? Besides, you weren't there! You weren't there to see what happened to Jean! You may think you can lock this girl up somewhere but you can't!
Captain America: Damn it! I didn't want it to come to this, but you're not listening!
Captain America tries to punch Wolverine. A fight breaks out.
Wolverine: You can't win this alone, Cap.
Captain America: I think I can... but I don't have to.
Giant Man sneaks up behind Wolverine and smacks him across the back of the head.
Wolverine: Gah! Why didn't I smell-
Captain America smacks Wolverine across the face with his shield.
Captain America: Now, Sharon!
Sharon Carter opens the bay doors. Wolverine is sucked out of the plane and falls into the Antarctic wasteland.
Wolverine: Not again!
PART SEVEN
SCENE: Antarctica.
A polar bear crawls toward a beer can. We eventually see that it is Wolverine, wearing the bear's carcass as a coat/shelter. This is simultaneously badass and stupid.
Wolverine sees another can, following the trail of beer cans to a jet.
Hope: Hello, Logan.
Wolverine: Goodbye, Hope. SNIKT!
Hope: Wait! You can't kill me!
Wolverine: If you think I'll spare you just because you brought me beer.... wait, how did you get beer?
Hope: Where did you get a bear skin? We're in the Antarctic! There's no polar bears here!
Wolverine: I'm asking the questions, here girlie!
Hope: Okay, fine. I have a fake ID. Seriously, I show up in a stolen plane and your first question is how I got beer?
Wolverine: Fair enough. Listen, you don't ask about the bear skin, I don't ask questions about the plane OR how the hell you found me and I'll give you one minute to give me a reason not to kill you.
CUT TO: Space. The Final Frontier.
Thor: Zounds! That cliff-hanger was so long it skipped an entire issue!
Beast: Yes, we're still here! And - oh dear - so is The Phoenix!
The Phoenix blows everyone up. Thor watches helplessly as The Phoenix devours another planet.
Thor: Methinks... we could have planned that better... ugh....
CUT TO: Antarctica
Wolverine: Clock is ticking.
Hope: I think I can control the Phoenix.
Wolverine: I know you can't.
Hope: But don't I deserve the chance to try in case you're wrong? Look, you help me get off the planet and I'll let you kill me if it turns out The Phoenix is more than I can handle.
Wolverine: Okay. Fine. It will take the length of a flight for this beer to thaw anyway.
CUT TO: A Former Hellfire Club Safe House.
Cyclops: Have you found her yet, Emma? What do you see?
White Queen: Our people fighting their people,Scott. It's really quite tedious.
We're treated to one page for each of the five locations Hope's signal has been detected. Everyone is fighting everyone else, but we don't actually get to see the result of any of these fights except Captain America knocking Gambit out with one punch.
White Queen: I'm just going to listen to Captain Amercia's thoughts. Once he knows where she is, we'll know.
Captain America (over phone): Have you got The Phoenix Killer done yet, Tony?
Iron Man (over phone): Working on it. Good news is Beast, Reed, T'Challa and even Hank Pym think this will work.
Captain America (over phone): Even Hank Pym. That's cute.
Iron Man: I am Irony Man.
Captain America (over phone): Hold on, Tony. Please contact all the other teams and tell them to head back to base. We know where the girl is going!
White Queen: They found her!
CUT TO: The Blue Area Of The Moon
Wolverine: Good thing I knew about an AIM base with a rocket that was launching today.
Hope: I know. That was lucky!
Captain America: Well, this is where your luck ends, little lady.
Hope: What the - Logan, you sold me out!
Wolverine: I promised to get you off-planet. That's as far as it goes, kid. You can't handle this.
Hope: So you're going to just hand me over to the people who left you for dead in Antarctica?
Wolverine: Hey, yeah!
Wolverine is blasted by Cyclops, who shows up along with White Queen, Colossus, Namor and Magik.
Cyclops: I miss doing that. But this this is no time for nostalgia. Hope, you're coming with us.
Captain America: Like fun she is!
Hope: Look! The Phoenix is here!
Everyone: Oh crap!
PART EIGHT
SCENE: The Blue Zone Of The Moon
All Hell Breaks Loose as The Phoenix latches on to Hope as everyone fights everyone else.
Hope: No! I can't contain it! Logan... kill me!
Wolverine: ... I'll try!
Cyclops: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Cyclops blasts Wolverine again as Iron Man arrives piloting what looks like a Transformer with Iron Man's color scheme.
Iron Man: Alright! Let's do this! Woo-hoo!
Quick montage of The Avengers looking on dumbfounded, a man who isn't a Vorlon saying "And so it begins again...", Professor X getting a headache along with his son and Scarlet Witch losing control of her powers. Then Iron Man flies his new suit right through The Phoenix as everything explodes. Again.
Iron Man: Hey, Steve! Did it work? I couldn't see anything through the flash of light!
Captain America: Uh... maybe?
Captain America looks up to see five figures on fire. It is Cyclops, White Queen, Namor, Magik and Colossus in new versions of their costumes.
Cyclops: I hate to say I told you so, Captain-
Captain America: No, you don't!
Cyclops: You're right. I don't. In fact, I love it. But we were right. The gift of The Phoenix was meant for her. Not us. You people did something... to it. And now she... now WE are The Phoenix.
Captain America: Dammit, Tony!
Iron Man: In my defense, it's probably totally Hank Pym's fault.
Giant Man: Hey!
The Phoenix Five: It matters not. Now we shall take her home to heal. And then we shall heal the world. We will evolve society and build a better tomorrow.
Captain America: Dammit, quit talking like hippies! Besides, the young lady has made her decision and she stays with us.
Wolverine: Technically, her decision was for me to kill her.
Captain America: Shut up, Logan!
Wolverine: Hey, Tony? Are we sure he isn't a Skrull?
The Phoenix Five take off and fly for Earth.
PART SIX
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Wolverine, nearly burned beyond all recognition, suddenly sits up screaming.
Spider-Man: Good morning to you too, Crispy Critter.
Wolverine: What happened?
Spider-Man: You were going to kill Hope. She set you on fire and ran for it.
Wolverine: That's right... starting to remember now...
Wolverine: You were a REAL big help during that fight...
Spider-Man: Uh, I'll handle the sarcasm, thank you.
Wolverine: So what happened after that?
Spider-Man: Well, after they found out Hope ran off, all the X-Men surrendered. Right now they're all on the Hellicarrier. I think Cap and Tony are still trying to figure out what to do with them.
Wolverine: Oh hell....
Spider-Man: What?
Wolverine: Didn't you see Avengers?
Spider-Man: Of course.
Wolverine: What's the only reason anyone ever surrenders themselves into SHIELD custody?
Spider-Man: .. like a great man squid once said, It's a trap!
CUT TO:The Deck Of The SHIELD Hellicarrier
Captain America: I don't care if the UN does recognize them as a sovereign nation -
Iron Man: Which they don't. Cap, I agree with you. But they haven't broken any laws!
Captain America: That doesn't mean we can't lock them up so they're out of the way while we find this Phoenix Girl.
Iron Man: I'm sorry... am I talking to Steve Rogers or John Walker? Because the Captain America I know would never advocate locking up people who hadn't committed a crime. And I can't tell you how much it scares me that it's ME having to point this out to you!
Dr. Strange suddenly appears, carrying Magik. He hovers next to Cyclops.
Dr. Strange: Hey, Scott! Here's Magik - safe and sound. I have her in a holding spell. Nothing to worry about.
Wolverine: HEY!
Cyclops: Oh crap. Magik! Backdoor!
The X-Men all disappear as "Magik" turns into Dr. Strange.
Captain America: What the -?
Dr. Strange: I'm sorry, Steve. She overwhelmed me when I followed her into her realm. The illusion spell masked us both until she was in position to teleport herself and her comrades away.
Captain America: Wait? So the only reason they surrendered...
Wolverine: ... was to get all their leaders in one place so they could escape at the same time!
CUT TO: Long Beach
Cyclops: Nice job, Magik. Now, to think of a plan.
Magneto: That grand escape wasn't part of a plan?
Cyclops: No, believe it or not I'm just making it up as we go along. I suppose we should try and win allies among all the X-Men who were teamed up with Logan, now that the US Government and The Avengers have turned on Mrutantkind. And we should probably try and get a hold of his Cerebra unit so we can track down Hope.
White Queen: Do you think she's alright?
Cyclops: Are you kidding? She's probably besides herself! Poor girl just got run out of the only home she's ever known. And she's never been out on her own before. She's probably hiding somewhere, waiting for us to find her.
CUT TO: An Electronics Shop In San Francisco.
Hope works on some metal device that straps on to her wrist.
Hope: There! A working Pip-Boy 3000! Now, to program on the Wristlojackimator app!
CUT TO: Avengers Tower, Manhattan Island.
Wolverine is on the phone with Rachel "Phoenix" Summers while Captain America listens in.
Wolverine: What do you mean she's in five places at once?
Rachel Summers: Just that. Her energy signature is in five different locations - all of them hard to get to. I can't get Cerebra to narrow it down further than that.
Captain America: We need better than that! If we don't find that girl before The Phoenix gets here, the entire planet is doomed!
Rachel Summers: That's a slight exaggeration, isn't it? I mean, I've been tapping into the Phoenix Force for years -
Captain America hangs up the phone.
Wolverine: What the hell, Steve?
Captain America: I don't have time for words, Logan! We've wasted enough time talking! And I don't listen to killers. Now,where is it we're sending our people to look for this girl?
Wolverine: Wundagore Mountain, Latveria, Tabula Rasa, Wakunda and... The Savage Land? Don't we need to contact the UN to get approval to go into some of these places? Or at least call ahead?
Captain America: No time! Avengers Assemble!
Wolverine: Huh. How did I become the calm, reasonable one?
CUT TO: Upstate New York - The Jean Grey School For Higher Learning
Rachel Summers (telepathically): Scott, can you hear me?
Cyclops (telepathically): Yep. Got something for me?
Rachel Summers (telepathically): Yeah, but you'd better hurry. The Avengers are already on the move. So, when we find Hope, do you want me to talk to her? Because I could totally use my experience...
Cyclops (telepathically): Ring Ring! Oh, sorry, Rachel. I have Emma on the other line.
Rachel Summers (telepathically): ... did you really just think the words "Ring Ring" at me?
Cyclops (telepathically): Dammit, Emma! Cut me out now! Now!
CUT TO: Avengers Quinjet, En Route to The Savage Land
Captain America: Let's talk, Logan. Alone. Out on the loading dock.
Wolverine: Uh... okay. About what?
Captain America: About you trying to kill this girl. About you not following orders. About how I don't think I can trust you. You're sitting this one out.
Wolverine: Bit late to be talking about this when I'm already here, ain't it? Besides, you weren't there! You weren't there to see what happened to Jean! You may think you can lock this girl up somewhere but you can't!
Captain America: Damn it! I didn't want it to come to this, but you're not listening!
Captain America tries to punch Wolverine. A fight breaks out.
Wolverine: You can't win this alone, Cap.
Captain America: I think I can... but I don't have to.
Giant Man sneaks up behind Wolverine and smacks him across the back of the head.
Wolverine: Gah! Why didn't I smell-
Captain America smacks Wolverine across the face with his shield.
Captain America: Now, Sharon!
Sharon Carter opens the bay doors. Wolverine is sucked out of the plane and falls into the Antarctic wasteland.
Wolverine: Not again!
PART SEVEN
SCENE: Antarctica.
A polar bear crawls toward a beer can. We eventually see that it is Wolverine, wearing the bear's carcass as a coat/shelter. This is simultaneously badass and stupid.
Wolverine sees another can, following the trail of beer cans to a jet.
Hope: Hello, Logan.
Wolverine: Goodbye, Hope. SNIKT!
Hope: Wait! You can't kill me!
Wolverine: If you think I'll spare you just because you brought me beer.... wait, how did you get beer?
Hope: Where did you get a bear skin? We're in the Antarctic! There's no polar bears here!
Wolverine: I'm asking the questions, here girlie!
Hope: Okay, fine. I have a fake ID. Seriously, I show up in a stolen plane and your first question is how I got beer?
Wolverine: Fair enough. Listen, you don't ask about the bear skin, I don't ask questions about the plane OR how the hell you found me and I'll give you one minute to give me a reason not to kill you.
CUT TO: Space. The Final Frontier.
Thor: Zounds! That cliff-hanger was so long it skipped an entire issue!
Beast: Yes, we're still here! And - oh dear - so is The Phoenix!
The Phoenix blows everyone up. Thor watches helplessly as The Phoenix devours another planet.
Thor: Methinks... we could have planned that better... ugh....
CUT TO: Antarctica
Wolverine: Clock is ticking.
Hope: I think I can control the Phoenix.
Wolverine: I know you can't.
Hope: But don't I deserve the chance to try in case you're wrong? Look, you help me get off the planet and I'll let you kill me if it turns out The Phoenix is more than I can handle.
Wolverine: Okay. Fine. It will take the length of a flight for this beer to thaw anyway.
CUT TO: A Former Hellfire Club Safe House.
Cyclops: Have you found her yet, Emma? What do you see?
White Queen: Our people fighting their people,Scott. It's really quite tedious.
We're treated to one page for each of the five locations Hope's signal has been detected. Everyone is fighting everyone else, but we don't actually get to see the result of any of these fights except Captain America knocking Gambit out with one punch.
White Queen: I'm just going to listen to Captain Amercia's thoughts. Once he knows where she is, we'll know.
Captain America (over phone): Have you got The Phoenix Killer done yet, Tony?
Iron Man (over phone): Working on it. Good news is Beast, Reed, T'Challa and even Hank Pym think this will work.
Captain America (over phone): Even Hank Pym. That's cute.
Iron Man: I am Irony Man.
Captain America (over phone): Hold on, Tony. Please contact all the other teams and tell them to head back to base. We know where the girl is going!
White Queen: They found her!
CUT TO: The Blue Area Of The Moon
Wolverine: Good thing I knew about an AIM base with a rocket that was launching today.
Hope: I know. That was lucky!
Captain America: Well, this is where your luck ends, little lady.
Hope: What the - Logan, you sold me out!
Wolverine: I promised to get you off-planet. That's as far as it goes, kid. You can't handle this.
Hope: So you're going to just hand me over to the people who left you for dead in Antarctica?
Wolverine: Hey, yeah!
Wolverine is blasted by Cyclops, who shows up along with White Queen, Colossus, Namor and Magik.
Cyclops: I miss doing that. But this this is no time for nostalgia. Hope, you're coming with us.
Captain America: Like fun she is!
Hope: Look! The Phoenix is here!
Everyone: Oh crap!
PART EIGHT
SCENE: The Blue Zone Of The Moon
All Hell Breaks Loose as The Phoenix latches on to Hope as everyone fights everyone else.
Hope: No! I can't contain it! Logan... kill me!
Wolverine: ... I'll try!
Cyclops: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Cyclops blasts Wolverine again as Iron Man arrives piloting what looks like a Transformer with Iron Man's color scheme.
Iron Man: Alright! Let's do this! Woo-hoo!
Quick montage of The Avengers looking on dumbfounded, a man who isn't a Vorlon saying "And so it begins again...", Professor X getting a headache along with his son and Scarlet Witch losing control of her powers. Then Iron Man flies his new suit right through The Phoenix as everything explodes. Again.
Iron Man: Hey, Steve! Did it work? I couldn't see anything through the flash of light!
Captain America: Uh... maybe?
Captain America looks up to see five figures on fire. It is Cyclops, White Queen, Namor, Magik and Colossus in new versions of their costumes.
Cyclops: I hate to say I told you so, Captain-
Captain America: No, you don't!
Cyclops: You're right. I don't. In fact, I love it. But we were right. The gift of The Phoenix was meant for her. Not us. You people did something... to it. And now she... now WE are The Phoenix.
Captain America: Dammit, Tony!
Iron Man: In my defense, it's probably totally Hank Pym's fault.
Giant Man: Hey!
The Phoenix Five: It matters not. Now we shall take her home to heal. And then we shall heal the world. We will evolve society and build a better tomorrow.
Captain America: Dammit, quit talking like hippies! Besides, the young lady has made her decision and she stays with us.
Wolverine: Technically, her decision was for me to kill her.
Captain America: Shut up, Logan!
Wolverine: Hey, Tony? Are we sure he isn't a Skrull?
The Phoenix Five take off and fly for Earth.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Avengers Vs. X-Men The Abridged Version - Parts 1-5
Want to read the latest big crossovers but lack the patience to sort through tons of tie-ins or the time to read them all? Let us sum it up for you with our Abridged Versions.
PART ONE
SCENE: The Planet Birj
Nova: In the name of the Nova Corps, I swear I came here to warn your planet of impending doom!
Terrax: I, Terrax - former herald of Galactus - care little for what you lame Green Lantern rip-offs say. I shall stay and fight this world-destroying menace you speak of.
Nova: Fine. I'm going to Earth to get some more commercially viable characters to do something about this.
Terrax: Terrax is commercially viable! Indeed, I have a part in Guardians of the Galaxy!
Nova: Big deal. So does Yondu.
Terrax: Who?
Nova: Exactly.
Nova flies off to Earth just seconds before The Phoenix Force destroys Terrax and The Planet Birj. Jim Starlin writes an angry letter to the Marvel home office, which is promptly ignored.
PART TWO
SCENE: Washington D.C.
M.O.D.O.K.: Bwahaha! AIM rules!
M.O.D.O.K. gets ready to fire his evil science gun. It suddenly misfires.
M.O.D.O.K.: What? Something random and unfortunate happened to me? Who is responsible for this?!
Scarlet Witch: Me. I'm here to stop you.
M.O.D.O.K.: What the - I thought your powers didn't work like that anymore?! Aren't you some bad-ass reality warper who got rid of most of the mutants on Earth with a single spell?
Scarlet Witch: Eh, I think it's down to whoever is writing me at the time. Either way, I can still kick your ass.
Ms. Marvel: Mind if I join in the ass-kicking?
Spider Woman: Me too!
The Three Heroines beat up M.O.D.O.K. and his AIM mooks.
Ms. Marvel: Good to see you back in action, Wanda
Scarlet Witch: Thanks, Carol. But I should be going.
Ms. Marvel: No! You totally should come by The Avengers Mansion and say hi to all the guys!
Scarlet Witch: I don't think that's a good idea.
They go to The Avengers Mansion. It is not a good idea.
Vision: Carol, what on Earth made you think I had any desire to see the ex-wife who turned me into a mindless weapon to be used against my friends? Or that she had any desire to see me and be reminded of why she is no longer a part of our team and a pariah among both the superhero and mutant communities?
Carol: Umm... because we needed to explain why Wanda isn't part of The Avengers anymore and is an outcast among the mutants to all the people who haven't read a Marvel Comic in years and this clumsy, awkward scene that makes me look like a clueless bimbo at best and an emotionally insensitive bitch at worst was the easiest way to accomplish that?
Vision: That does seem logical.
Carol: Dammit! If anyone needs me, I'll be with Kelly Sue Deconnick figuring out how to retcon this in my book. Or, at the very least, getting me out of this thong leotard and into a costume with actual pants.
Wanda: And I'll just go somewhere else until I'm needed to become a Deus Ex Machina. Again.
PART THREE
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Cyclops: Hope! You are too precious to be going off at night risking your life as a vigilante!
Hope: You're not my dad! And all appearances to the contrary, despite the artist drawing me as being the spitting image of Jean Grey despite being only 15 years old in this chapter, I'm not your dead wife!
Cyclops: That has nothing to do with why I'm so protective of you! Even though I've given you a costume that's the exact same color scheme as Jean's! I'm protective because, as you well know, you are the Mutant Messiah - the last mutant child born on this planet, with amazing powers to manipulate the X-Gene and copy the powers of the mutants around you that we can only begin to understand
Hope: Nice exposition! But you left out the bit about how you're pretty sure I'm going to become a conduit for some giant cosmic fire-bird called The Phoenix.
Cyclops: Who told you about The Phoenix?
Hope: Why didn't you tell me about The Phoenix?
Cyclops: Well, I didn't think you were ready, but okay. Hope, there comes a time in every red-haired mutant girl's life, when...
Hope: Gah! Forget it! I'm going out.
Hope copies Cyclops' powers and knocks him out with a blast of her own energy blast vision despite it being well established that Cyclops is immune to his own powers. That's why his blasts don't rip his eyelids to shreds. She then flies to the mainland with a stolen jet pack.
No. Really.
Hope: Looks like a bunch of bad guys are robbing that bank I must stop them! For justice!
Serpent Society: Hey! It's a teenage girl. Let's kill her!
Hope: Before you do that I have to know, are any of you mutants?
Puff Adder: I am.
Hope: Oh good. Because my power only works on mutants. Otherwise I'm just an ordinary teenage girl. But I probably shouldn't tell you bad guys that.
Cyclops: Hope! Stop it!
Also, none of the fighting takes place in Paris.
CUT TO: Space. The Final Frontier.
A group of Avengers hovers in space.
Thor: Here it comes, Avengers! Make ready for battle!
PART ONE
SCENE: The Planet Birj
Nova: In the name of the Nova Corps, I swear I came here to warn your planet of impending doom!
Terrax: I, Terrax - former herald of Galactus - care little for what you lame Green Lantern rip-offs say. I shall stay and fight this world-destroying menace you speak of.
Nova: Fine. I'm going to Earth to get some more commercially viable characters to do something about this.
Terrax: Terrax is commercially viable! Indeed, I have a part in Guardians of the Galaxy!
Nova: Big deal. So does Yondu.
Terrax: Who?
Nova: Exactly.
Nova flies off to Earth just seconds before The Phoenix Force destroys Terrax and The Planet Birj. Jim Starlin writes an angry letter to the Marvel home office, which is promptly ignored.
SCENE: Washington D.C.
M.O.D.O.K.: Bwahaha! AIM rules!
M.O.D.O.K. gets ready to fire his evil science gun. It suddenly misfires.
M.O.D.O.K.: What? Something random and unfortunate happened to me? Who is responsible for this?!
Scarlet Witch: Me. I'm here to stop you.
M.O.D.O.K.: What the - I thought your powers didn't work like that anymore?! Aren't you some bad-ass reality warper who got rid of most of the mutants on Earth with a single spell?
Scarlet Witch: Eh, I think it's down to whoever is writing me at the time. Either way, I can still kick your ass.
Ms. Marvel: Mind if I join in the ass-kicking?
Spider Woman: Me too!
The Three Heroines beat up M.O.D.O.K. and his AIM mooks.
Ms. Marvel: Good to see you back in action, Wanda
Scarlet Witch: Thanks, Carol. But I should be going.
Ms. Marvel: No! You totally should come by The Avengers Mansion and say hi to all the guys!
Scarlet Witch: I don't think that's a good idea.
They go to The Avengers Mansion. It is not a good idea.
Vision: Carol, what on Earth made you think I had any desire to see the ex-wife who turned me into a mindless weapon to be used against my friends? Or that she had any desire to see me and be reminded of why she is no longer a part of our team and a pariah among both the superhero and mutant communities?
Carol: Umm... because we needed to explain why Wanda isn't part of The Avengers anymore and is an outcast among the mutants to all the people who haven't read a Marvel Comic in years and this clumsy, awkward scene that makes me look like a clueless bimbo at best and an emotionally insensitive bitch at worst was the easiest way to accomplish that?
Vision: That does seem logical.
Carol: Dammit! If anyone needs me, I'll be with Kelly Sue Deconnick figuring out how to retcon this in my book. Or, at the very least, getting me out of this thong leotard and into a costume with actual pants.
Wanda: And I'll just go somewhere else until I'm needed to become a Deus Ex Machina. Again.
PART THREE
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Cyclops: Hope! You are too precious to be going off at night risking your life as a vigilante!
Hope: You're not my dad! And all appearances to the contrary, despite the artist drawing me as being the spitting image of Jean Grey despite being only 15 years old in this chapter, I'm not your dead wife!
Cyclops: That has nothing to do with why I'm so protective of you! Even though I've given you a costume that's the exact same color scheme as Jean's! I'm protective because, as you well know, you are the Mutant Messiah - the last mutant child born on this planet, with amazing powers to manipulate the X-Gene and copy the powers of the mutants around you that we can only begin to understand
Hope: Nice exposition! But you left out the bit about how you're pretty sure I'm going to become a conduit for some giant cosmic fire-bird called The Phoenix.
Cyclops: Who told you about The Phoenix?
Hope: Why didn't you tell me about The Phoenix?
Cyclops: Well, I didn't think you were ready, but okay. Hope, there comes a time in every red-haired mutant girl's life, when...
Hope: Gah! Forget it! I'm going out.
Hope copies Cyclops' powers and knocks him out with a blast of her own energy blast vision despite it being well established that Cyclops is immune to his own powers. That's why his blasts don't rip his eyelids to shreds. She then flies to the mainland with a stolen jet pack.
No. Really.
Hope: Looks like a bunch of bad guys are robbing that bank I must stop them! For justice!
Serpent Society: Hey! It's a teenage girl. Let's kill her!
Hope: Before you do that I have to know, are any of you mutants?
Puff Adder: I am.
Hope: Oh good. Because my power only works on mutants. Otherwise I'm just an ordinary teenage girl. But I probably shouldn't tell you bad guys that.
Cyclops and White Queen show up just in time to find Hope beating the unconscious forms of the Serpent Society.
Cyclops: Hope! Stop it!
Hope: Fine. But I'm not going to lose control when The Phoenix comes for me, like how I lost control of my temper now.
Cyclops: I know. You're special. You're going to save us all.
White Queen: Or kill us all.
Cyclops: Either way, you're still special.
White Queen: ... not helping, Scott.
PART FOUR
SCENE: Some Unnamed Alien Planet.
Some Unnamed Alien Planet is blown up by The Phoenix. It takes all of three pages.
SCENE: Some Unnamed Alien Planet.
Some Unnamed Alien Planet is blown up by The Phoenix. It takes all of three pages.
CUT TO: New York City
Thor: Zounds! Some object is falling from the heavens at great speed! Avengers Assemble!
Captain America: Wait! That's no falling object! That's Nova!
Ms. Marvel: Who?
Captain America: You know? The Green Lantern rip-off?
Captain America: You know? The Green Lantern rip-off?
Iron Man: I thought that was Quasar?
Captain America: No, the OTHER Green Lantern rip-off.
Captain America: No, the OTHER Green Lantern rip-off.
CUT TO: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Cyclops: You aren't training hard enough, Hope! You must be ready to fight the humans who want to take away your powers and have the means to do it!
Hope: What the hell?! Why are you training me so hard now? Last chapter, you didn't even want me fighting! Why is it so important I train?
Cyclops: Don't question me!
Hope: DON'T YELL AT ME!
Hope suddenly bursts into flame, sets Cyclops on fire and sends Cyclops flying.
Hope: What just happened? What's happening to me?!
White Queen: It looks like you just manifested The Phoenix Force. Wait... didn't we discuss this last issue? Why are you confused?
CUT TO: Washington D.C.
Iron Man: And basically that's it, Mr. President. Nova told us that The Phoenix is coming. Our readings have confirmed that as well as the fact that several planets have already been destroyed by The Phoenix.
Iron Man: And basically that's it, Mr. President. Nova told us that The Phoenix is coming. Our readings have confirmed that as well as the fact that several planets have already been destroyed by The Phoenix.
Mr. President: So what does that mean, Mr. Stark?
Captain America: What it means, Mr. President, is that a big world-threatening crossover event is coming. But this time we want to make sure The Avengers are represented. That's why I'm seeking out an expert on this Phoenix Force who can tell us what to expect!
Captain America: What it means, Mr. President, is that a big world-threatening crossover event is coming. But this time we want to make sure The Avengers are represented. That's why I'm seeking out an expert on this Phoenix Force who can tell us what to expect!
CUT TO: Upstate New York - The Jean Grey School For Higher Learning
Wolverine: It's a giant fire bird. It killed Jean Grey and brought her back. A few times. It was kind of a big deal.
Captain America: Fascinating. Do we know where it's going?
Wolverine: All the mutants do. For some reason. There's this teenage girl we figured The Phoenix would come for some day.
Captain America: For some reason?
Wolverine: Yep. Mostly because she looks just like Jean and there's some prophecy or something. I was busy with something when they were talking about it. Think I was fighting ninjas in my own book. Or maybe it was during that mini-series...
Captain America: For some reason?
Wolverine: Yep. Mostly because she looks just like Jean and there's some prophecy or something. I was busy with something when they were talking about it. Think I was fighting ninjas in my own book. Or maybe it was during that mini-series...
Captain America: Will you and your students help me in the fight to come?
Wolverine: No. I built this school to keep these kids from fighting.
Captain America: That's a shame. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to beat up Cyclops before this is over.
Wolverine: Well, when you put it that way, I'm due for some vacation time. And I won't even charge you my usual crossover appearance fee.
CUT TO: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Cyclops: So as you all know, it's my belief that The Phoenix is returning to Earth to save The Mutant Race, which has been diminished to 200 people - give or take - and that Hope will be the new Phoenix host.
Namor: Why?
Cyclops: The Phoenix is a force of destruction AND creation and we're way overdue for some creating.
Magneto: In other words, you're making a completely unjustified leap of faith.
Cyclops: Pretty much. Hey, Captain America's here.
Captain America: Yes, and Logan's told me about this teenage girl you have that you think is going to be the next Phoenix host. We need to take her into protective custody.
Cyclops: Since when do you get involved in our storylines?
Captain America: Since when do you believe in prophecies? I thought you were a cool, logical leader who didn't trust to luck?
Cyclops: Well, I thought YOU looked for the good in everyone and trusted people enough to speak directly to them about your concerns instead of getting second-hand information from the ex-assassin who tried to break up my marriage and split the Mutant community!
Captain America: Are we throwing down then?
Cyclops: I guess so.
Cyclops blasts Captain America.
Captain America: Right. AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
The SHIELD Helicarrier decloaks as The Avengers swarm Utopia.
Cyclops: Oh crap.
PART FIVE
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
All hell breaks loose as the X-Men begin to fight back against the invading Avengers. This is the closest we get to seeing any of the battles promised in the advertising leading up to this event, though we don't get to see most of the battles promised and none of them last for more than a few panels at a time.
Wolverine: No. I built this school to keep these kids from fighting.
Captain America: That's a shame. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to beat up Cyclops before this is over.
Wolverine: Well, when you put it that way, I'm due for some vacation time. And I won't even charge you my usual crossover appearance fee.
CUT TO: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
Cyclops: So as you all know, it's my belief that The Phoenix is returning to Earth to save The Mutant Race, which has been diminished to 200 people - give or take - and that Hope will be the new Phoenix host.
Namor: Why?
Cyclops: The Phoenix is a force of destruction AND creation and we're way overdue for some creating.
Magneto: In other words, you're making a completely unjustified leap of faith.
Cyclops: Pretty much. Hey, Captain America's here.
Captain America: Yes, and Logan's told me about this teenage girl you have that you think is going to be the next Phoenix host. We need to take her into protective custody.
Cyclops: Since when do you get involved in our storylines?
Captain America: Since when do you believe in prophecies? I thought you were a cool, logical leader who didn't trust to luck?
Cyclops: Well, I thought YOU looked for the good in everyone and trusted people enough to speak directly to them about your concerns instead of getting second-hand information from the ex-assassin who tried to break up my marriage and split the Mutant community!
Captain America: Are we throwing down then?
Cyclops: I guess so.
Cyclops blasts Captain America.
Captain America: Right. AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
The SHIELD Helicarrier decloaks as The Avengers swarm Utopia.
Cyclops: Oh crap.
PART FIVE
SCENE: Utopia - The Island Home of The X-Men, Off The Coast Of San Francisco.
All hell breaks loose as the X-Men begin to fight back against the invading Avengers. This is the closest we get to seeing any of the battles promised in the advertising leading up to this event, though we don't get to see most of the battles promised and none of them last for more than a few panels at a time.
Also, none of the fighting takes place in Paris.
Wolverine: Much as I'd love to join Cap in slapping Slim around, I've got to end this the only way I know how - kill Hope.
Hope: You can try.
Hope catches on fire.
Wolverine: Oh crap!
Hope sets Wolverine on fire and runs away.
Wolverine: Oh crap!
Hope sets Wolverine on fire and runs away.
CUT TO: Space. The Final Frontier.
A group of Avengers hovers in space.
Thor: Here it comes, Avengers! Make ready for battle!
Beast: The power level of The Phoenix is off the charts!
Vision: Should that truly be surprising to you? Haven't you studied the Phoenix more than any other scientist on Earth?
Beast: Well, yes. But haven't you ever heard of dramatic tension?
Ms. Marvel: Here it comes!
Thor: Methinks this be a mighty cliff hanger!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Catwoman #1 - A Review
In my efforts to review all of the New 52 titles, I have tried my best to go into each title with untainted opinions. I struggled to put aside all my previous preconceptions about writers, artists and characters whom I haven’t enjoyed in the past. I also tried to avoid reading any other reviewer’s work until I had read the books for myself. No book tested my resolve in this matter more than Catwoman #1 and – I must admit – I am amazed that it has fallen to me to point this out...
You have all been played!
Blasted by many critics as misogynistic and shallow, Catwoman #1 is actually a brilliant parody of “bad-girl” books. But like most great parodists, Judd Winick and Guillem March’s work has been mistaken for that which it means to mock. This is unfortunate but inevitable given the history of the literary world. A failure to distinguish between parody and the art being parodied led to the satirical novel Naked Came The Stranger being embraced by the romance novel fans it was meant to alienate. And we all know how Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal briefly made Irish babies legal game animals in Great Britain for a certain number of years.
The issue opens with a gloriously over the top scene in which Catwoman is forced to flee her apartment, half-dressed and with numerous kittens thrown into an unsecured cage. She just barely escapes before the building is blown up and turns to her fence – an ex showgirl named Lola – for a place to stay and another job. Set up to spy on a meeting of Russian gangsters, Selina takes time out for some personal revenge only for her cover to get blown and things going very badly. The issue ends on a romantic note, with Selina being confronted by Batman on some matter of business which quickly turns to pleasure.
Winick’s script is a masterstroke of satire, not seen in the comic book world since the early days of Frank Miller & Jim Lee’s All-Star Batman & Robin. Indeed, the very last page of the issue is a sly wink and a nod to Winick’s creative predecessor, with Catwoman’s note regarding having sex with their costumes mostly on being a clear tribute to that work and the scene where Batman has sexy costumed sex with Black Canary.
We haven’t seen comedy like this come from Winick’s pen since the days of The Adventures of Barry Ween and thank goodness it is back!
Of course this book is all in good fun, but Winick showcases his technical proficiency as a writer as well. To give away one bit of clever foreshadowing that might be lost on some readers, Selina notes as she leaves her apartment that the men chasing her “won’t find anything except bras, books, wine and cat food.” One might wonder why Selina specifies bras, rather than saying “underwear” or “lingerie”. This becomes clear on the last page when it is revealed that Selina clearly isn’t wearing any panties under her costume, suggesting – on reflection of the earlier text - that Selina doesn’t own any. This also showcases her strength and independence in a subtle fashion, showing that she will not be contained by the conventions of modern society.
Winick has found the perfect partner in crime in artist Guillem March, who matches him in the comedy department, slipping clever comedic cues into every panel of this book. Consider the first page, in which we see Catwoman cramming kittens into a cramped kitty cage. Would Selina Kyle ever own a cat cage? Of course not! Would she ever endanger or discomfort kittens in the manner we see her doing so here? Certainly not! But what some see as a sign of poor planning is actually a subtle cue that we are not meant to take this book seriously at all. The following pages continue this brilliant visual satire, focusing upon Selina’s breasts, buttocks and comically oversized thighs – all drawn in the bad-girl book tradition, with the readers not even getting a look at her face until the third page.
Ignore the slings and arrows of those who need the joke explained to them. Viewed with the right attitude, this book is hilarious. So consider what I’ve said here and I think you’ll know what to expect from Catwoman #1 and its’ creative team in the future.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Why Question Geek Girl Cred?
EDITOR'S NOTE: The following was left in our mailbox, written on a mole-skin notebook wrapped in plain brown paper. There were no stamps on the package, nor was an address written anywhere on it. It is published without comment, though an examination of the supplemental materials has led us to conclude that if this is a forgery, it is a damn good one.
*****
Journal. Final Entry. 6.23.11
I write this knowing full well that it may be the last thing I ever write. And yet, the truth must come out. Questions have been asked. Answers have been sought. And still the truth must come out.
It all began months ago, but the battle is as old as humanity itself. It all began when a kerfuffle arose over the idea that certain kinds of women cannot be proper geeks. Or that no woman at all may lay claim to the title of geek This train of thought went on to state that any attractive, well-spoken woman who claimed to be a geek was “faking it” for some commercial purpose.
The truth, as always, is far more sinister. Like the true purpose of aglets.
I began seeking answers earlier in the week after the oldest battle began again. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth regarding how the newly crowned Miss USA referred to herself as a history geek and spoke of her alleged love of studying history and the Game Of Thrones book series. Unlikely? Most would say yes. Conventional wisdom dictates that beauty pageants and modern fantasy literature go together like bikini models and doctoral studies. Yet the world of geeks is hardly conventional or wise...
Days passed. Trail continued as I read the response to the scandal. One of the geek-girls - the so-called Nerdy Bird Jill Pantozzi – asked several questions of her own...
“Why not take a person at face value until you have serious reason to think otherwise? Why does being a beauty pageant contestant mean you can't also like Star Wars (which Campanella also mentioned at another point in the competition)? What is at the base of this denial of identity?”
Ultimately all these questions came down to one question: who profits? How does a woman ultimately profit from pretending to be a geek?
I studied the Hot Women Pandering To Nerds video for hours yet gleaned few answers. Surely geek males are a minority, not worth pandering to? How does it profit Rosario Dawson to speak a few sentences of Klingon? How does it benefit Megan Fox to pretend that she reads comics and likes drawing? Will pretending to like Star Wars help Jamie Alexander to find acting work?
The most frequent answer when one questions the existence of geek girls is that most of them are ugly and desperate. So great is their desire for the affections of a man that they will weather any indignity - commit any act – all to win the smallest smidgeon of male approval. And while many of these “hot” geek girls may be filled to the brim with daddy issues… still one wonders how it benefits them to pursue the approval of those who are – traditionally – the least desirable companions.
And yet, are geek males really that undesirable to a calculating female mind? Today geek males rule much of the world. A small cabal of computer geeks control our technology. Many of the nerds who played games of power in the Student Council grew to become political leaders. And many of the creative powers in Hollywood are geeks. Such men, while physically diminutive, could be stable providers and would likely be happy for any female attention. Still, powerful though they are, their numbers are small.
Additionally, the rich and powerful would easily have the means to make their secret shames accepted - place comic books on the racks of every news stand in the nation and finance Dungeons and Dragons tournaments in place of football in every high school. So subtle seduction with silky slatterns cloaked and costumed as that most mythical of maidens - the gorgeous geek girl? Improbable. Too much work for too little gain.
After much serious study, it would prove to be a joke that led me to the answer. Ironic.
It was a comment repeated by many a geek girl over the last day – apparently a mocking reference to an early story which likened geek girls to unicorns in that they did not exist. Several opined that there were other, more powerful mythical creatures that they would rather be.
Geek Girls as creatures of myth? Thesis. The pieces were beginning to come together.
The final piece came with a fiery editorial by one Devin Faraci, whose mocking words not only called into question the geek credentials of Miss USA but the very validity of the geek girl blogsophere! Within hours, that very same blogosphere was torn between those who wishes to see him raked over the coals and those who thought that he had a point, tactless though he was in presenting it.
It was then that the pattern hit me.
Every time it looked like the geek girl community was making progress in stopping the pointless sniping over what constitutes a geek and who is or isn’t a shill for a corporate master, some mainstream media blogger would emerge to raise the scandal anew or urge the geek girls into a frothing blood lust against one another. Like clockwork. As if a whole society of men were watching over the geek girl population... as if waiting for something…
After several days of investigation, I had found the truth in a book belonging to a group known only as The Codicil. The geek girls ARE creatures of myth. But they are not unicorns. Or dragons. Or nymphs. They are Immortals. Immortals born at random, blessed with the gift of long life and magical skill and yet cursed at the same time. For The Codicil’s text – which I was able to glance through for just a few moments before being discovered – talks of a time of turmoil which is fast approaching.
Indeed, I fear it has already begun.
Consider once more the conventional wisdom – that no attractive woman would ever be considered a geek or identify herself as such. Yet in the past five years the number of attractive geek girls in the public eye has risen sharply. The Codicil text notes this and explains that while each geek girl is blessed with long life, she may still die if another of her kind severs her head from her neck. And for each of her kind that she vanquishes, the victor geek girl absorbs the knowledge, youth and beauty of her fallen sister. Thus each geek girl is forced to fight eternally against her own kind - conflict after conflict - until only one of them is left.
Such is the way it has always been and such, so The Codicil believe, must it always be.
What we saw when Miss USA outed herself as a geek was a calling out to others of her kind. A subconscious signal - for most geek girls are ignorant of the truth or the power they wield and The Codicil prefer to keep it that way - that the final battle... the time of The Gathering... is about to begin.
The Codicil text is conflicted upon when and where The Gathering will take place. Some say it will happen in San Diego. Others say it will happen in Atlanta at the place of The Great Dragon. Regardless, all agree that The Gathering shall be a great and bloody display and that many innocents will die along with the Immortals.
Of course these battles have been going on in the shadows for years. It is a matter of record that Gail Simone claimed the head of Devin Grayson several years ago, thus cementing her position as Queen of DC Comics. And even now rumors have spoken of heated battles between Olivia Munn and Blair Butler on the rooftops of Los Angeles…
I post this now, knowing that The Codicil – who desire secrecy above all else – will likely kill me for having exposed them and their plans to continue to reduce the numbers of geek girls by encouraging them to turn against one another.
Know this – if I die, I die content, secure in the hope that this knowledge might encourage peace between the geek girls that still remain.
I hope to prevent a dark future where Action Chick Katrina Hill and Jessica Mills die on one another’s blades in the aisles at ComicCon. I hope that Felicia Day and Kristen Bell can throw aside their weapons and exchange hugs, not deathblows. But above all else, I hope for a world where the most outrageous nonsense regarding this issue is written by comic book parodists and not serious journalists.
Sincerely,
The Answer
*****
Journal. Final Entry. 6.23.11
I write this knowing full well that it may be the last thing I ever write. And yet, the truth must come out. Questions have been asked. Answers have been sought. And still the truth must come out.
It all began months ago, but the battle is as old as humanity itself. It all began when a kerfuffle arose over the idea that certain kinds of women cannot be proper geeks. Or that no woman at all may lay claim to the title of geek This train of thought went on to state that any attractive, well-spoken woman who claimed to be a geek was “faking it” for some commercial purpose.
The truth, as always, is far more sinister. Like the true purpose of aglets.
I began seeking answers earlier in the week after the oldest battle began again. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth regarding how the newly crowned Miss USA referred to herself as a history geek and spoke of her alleged love of studying history and the Game Of Thrones book series. Unlikely? Most would say yes. Conventional wisdom dictates that beauty pageants and modern fantasy literature go together like bikini models and doctoral studies. Yet the world of geeks is hardly conventional or wise...
Days passed. Trail continued as I read the response to the scandal. One of the geek-girls - the so-called Nerdy Bird Jill Pantozzi – asked several questions of her own...
“Why not take a person at face value until you have serious reason to think otherwise? Why does being a beauty pageant contestant mean you can't also like Star Wars (which Campanella also mentioned at another point in the competition)? What is at the base of this denial of identity?”
Ultimately all these questions came down to one question: who profits? How does a woman ultimately profit from pretending to be a geek?
I studied the Hot Women Pandering To Nerds video for hours yet gleaned few answers. Surely geek males are a minority, not worth pandering to? How does it profit Rosario Dawson to speak a few sentences of Klingon? How does it benefit Megan Fox to pretend that she reads comics and likes drawing? Will pretending to like Star Wars help Jamie Alexander to find acting work?
The most frequent answer when one questions the existence of geek girls is that most of them are ugly and desperate. So great is their desire for the affections of a man that they will weather any indignity - commit any act – all to win the smallest smidgeon of male approval. And while many of these “hot” geek girls may be filled to the brim with daddy issues… still one wonders how it benefits them to pursue the approval of those who are – traditionally – the least desirable companions.
And yet, are geek males really that undesirable to a calculating female mind? Today geek males rule much of the world. A small cabal of computer geeks control our technology. Many of the nerds who played games of power in the Student Council grew to become political leaders. And many of the creative powers in Hollywood are geeks. Such men, while physically diminutive, could be stable providers and would likely be happy for any female attention. Still, powerful though they are, their numbers are small.
Additionally, the rich and powerful would easily have the means to make their secret shames accepted - place comic books on the racks of every news stand in the nation and finance Dungeons and Dragons tournaments in place of football in every high school. So subtle seduction with silky slatterns cloaked and costumed as that most mythical of maidens - the gorgeous geek girl? Improbable. Too much work for too little gain.
After much serious study, it would prove to be a joke that led me to the answer. Ironic.
It was a comment repeated by many a geek girl over the last day – apparently a mocking reference to an early story which likened geek girls to unicorns in that they did not exist. Several opined that there were other, more powerful mythical creatures that they would rather be.
Geek Girls as creatures of myth? Thesis. The pieces were beginning to come together.
The final piece came with a fiery editorial by one Devin Faraci, whose mocking words not only called into question the geek credentials of Miss USA but the very validity of the geek girl blogsophere! Within hours, that very same blogosphere was torn between those who wishes to see him raked over the coals and those who thought that he had a point, tactless though he was in presenting it.
It was then that the pattern hit me.
Every time it looked like the geek girl community was making progress in stopping the pointless sniping over what constitutes a geek and who is or isn’t a shill for a corporate master, some mainstream media blogger would emerge to raise the scandal anew or urge the geek girls into a frothing blood lust against one another. Like clockwork. As if a whole society of men were watching over the geek girl population... as if waiting for something…
After several days of investigation, I had found the truth in a book belonging to a group known only as The Codicil. The geek girls ARE creatures of myth. But they are not unicorns. Or dragons. Or nymphs. They are Immortals. Immortals born at random, blessed with the gift of long life and magical skill and yet cursed at the same time. For The Codicil’s text – which I was able to glance through for just a few moments before being discovered – talks of a time of turmoil which is fast approaching.
Indeed, I fear it has already begun.
Consider once more the conventional wisdom – that no attractive woman would ever be considered a geek or identify herself as such. Yet in the past five years the number of attractive geek girls in the public eye has risen sharply. The Codicil text notes this and explains that while each geek girl is blessed with long life, she may still die if another of her kind severs her head from her neck. And for each of her kind that she vanquishes, the victor geek girl absorbs the knowledge, youth and beauty of her fallen sister. Thus each geek girl is forced to fight eternally against her own kind - conflict after conflict - until only one of them is left.
Such is the way it has always been and such, so The Codicil believe, must it always be.
What we saw when Miss USA outed herself as a geek was a calling out to others of her kind. A subconscious signal - for most geek girls are ignorant of the truth or the power they wield and The Codicil prefer to keep it that way - that the final battle... the time of The Gathering... is about to begin.
The Codicil text is conflicted upon when and where The Gathering will take place. Some say it will happen in San Diego. Others say it will happen in Atlanta at the place of The Great Dragon. Regardless, all agree that The Gathering shall be a great and bloody display and that many innocents will die along with the Immortals.
Of course these battles have been going on in the shadows for years. It is a matter of record that Gail Simone claimed the head of Devin Grayson several years ago, thus cementing her position as Queen of DC Comics. And even now rumors have spoken of heated battles between Olivia Munn and Blair Butler on the rooftops of Los Angeles…
I post this now, knowing that The Codicil – who desire secrecy above all else – will likely kill me for having exposed them and their plans to continue to reduce the numbers of geek girls by encouraging them to turn against one another.
Know this – if I die, I die content, secure in the hope that this knowledge might encourage peace between the geek girls that still remain.
I hope to prevent a dark future where Action Chick Katrina Hill and Jessica Mills die on one another’s blades in the aisles at ComicCon. I hope that Felicia Day and Kristen Bell can throw aside their weapons and exchange hugs, not deathblows. But above all else, I hope for a world where the most outrageous nonsense regarding this issue is written by comic book parodists and not serious journalists.
Sincerely,
The Answer
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Not really comics related, but this is very near and dear to my heart...
SOURCE: Budget woes a chance to remake libraries
Clearly this man hasn’t set foot inside a library in the past year.
While I'll admit there is some justice in his complaints regarding Dallas being slow to adapt new technology (they had just upgraded the public computers to Windows XP while I was working there in the summer of 2008) the whole thing is amazingly ill-informed.
Just to pick out a few choice lines...
libraries are not dying, they're dead
Tell that to everyone trying to find a parking space during story-time at my branch.
Perhaps the system could expand its Bookmobile program, a perfect example of the library literally meeting customers where they are.
Except people still have to get to the Bookmobile stopping points which - in Dallas - means taking a bus if you can't drive yourself, so they might as well just take the bus to the library. Especially since most of the libraries have their own bus stop or are close to a bus stop point.
For that matter, wouldn’t more bookmobiles require spending MORE money the libraries don’t have on vehicles and gas?
For example, a popular attraction is when authors or even residents come into a branch to read to patrons.
This assumes of course that you have an author who is willing to appear for free.
Popular, professional authors (i.e. people your patrons have heard of) generally have very busy schedules and since personal appearances take away from their writing time when they aren't doing book tours their publisher set up, they tend to charge money to do them.
The authors who most libraries can afford tend to be self-published and tend toward genre fiction. And by genre fiction I mean badly edited vampire pornography.
Additionally, the "how to" features deserve expansion, with more classes such as how to build a website or create a Facebook page.
That would require computers that were capable of opening Facebook without crashing.
Actually, I know there was at least one librarian who used to work in Dallas, who tried to do a class or two like that. And he did manage to muddle through a website design class and a MySpace for beginners class, despite handicaps like a lack of a digital projector, a lack of a private computer lab and a lengthy waiting list to borrow a Wi-Fi capable laptop and an S-video capable projector form the city IT department so he could do a PowerPoint show.
When I was a sales representative, I often stopped at libraries during my lunch hour to browse the internet. Whether at the Oak Lawn or Park Forest branch, there was almost always a wait to use a computer.
Yes, I had to wait for a computer nearly every time I went there - but remember, libraries are dead! Not dying - dead!
Not only should the library system assess its budget priorities to get more computers into the system, but also secure other technology aimed at e-book reading.
One question: which reader standard do we use? I checked, Amazon was banking rather heavily on being the only place people could buy books for the Kindle and they weren't doing ANYTHING to make those ebooks accessible to libraries.
But these are the delivery methods young people are looking for,
... on Pirate Bay.
... and libraries should become the place to find them.
... downloading books onto their e-readers using BitTorrent.
While the library is still vital for families, it was never designed to only serve children.
To Serve Children! It’s a cookbook! A COOKBOOK!
Libraries compete with big book stores for adult patrons and must find a way to lure them back.
We do? We provide internet access, book, music and movie rentals and – in some cases – live entertainment for roughly $25 a year. If anything, the big bookstores are competing with us by giving away Wi-Fi in their stores and actually allowing their patrons to read stuff in the store.
It's going to take more than lattes and paninis to win back those who now use coffee shops and cafes as their study hall and meeting place.
So... the libraries need to sell espresso AND lattes?
Why can't the library start selling new books?
*clearing his throat and doing his best Alan Rickman voice*
Because then we’d be a book store, you twit!
Seriously, libraries trying to sell new materials DOES NOT WORK.
True Story: Dallas tried a program in 2008 – Street Smart – in which patrons had the option of paying $5 to rent popular movies and books with no wait. Oddly enough, few patrons wanted to pay that much to rent a movie they can get for the same price or less at the Blockbuster down the street. Even fewer were willing to pay for the privilege of checking a book out. But many of them were willing to line up for a chance to speak with the branch manager and tell them (or anyone else in earshot) that libraries are not supposed to sell books.
If scores of patrons are on a waiting list to check out the new Oprah biography, might some buy a new copy from the library if it was available?
No, because that would require money they either don’t have or don’t want to spend.
You see, libraries mainly cater to two segments of the public.
1. Economically disadvantaged people who can't afford Internet service/books of their own. (i.e. poor bastards)
2. Thrifty people who don't like to spend a lot of money on luxuries like Internet service and books. (i.e. cheap bastards)
The poor bastards can't afford to buy the new Oprah Book Club offering. The cheap bastards won't buy the new Oprah Book Club offering. They won't even pay to RENT it! See the above example, re: Street Smart.
As a southern Dallas resident, at least a couple of libraries are closer to my house than the nearest major book store.
As a southern Dallas resident, there’s probably also at least a couple of crack houses and brothels closer to your house than the nearest major book store. Why not ask Smiley The Pimp about stocking that new Oprah biography?
And when was the last time that your favorite author held a book signing at the local library?
About a month ago. And his local paper is screaming bloody murder because the state spent money on paying an author to do a personal appearance rather than building a new football stadium.
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