Three Things Image Publisher Eric Stephenson Got Right In His Speech at ComicsPRO (And Three He Got Wrong)

SOURCE: Image Publisher Eric Stephenson Emphasizes Direct Market Importance in ComicsPRO Speech

Earlier this week, Image Comics Publisher Eric Stephenson gave a speech at the ComicsPRO annual membership meeting in Atlanta.  It would be an understatement to say that the speech was decisive and has spurred a lot of counter-commentary.  Indeed, the publishers of Dark Horse and IDW felt the need to write their own rebuttals.

Personally, I found most of Stephenson's speech to be inflammatory.  Then again, that was probably the point.  Still, the man did have a few good points among several others that I found to be short-sighted and self-serving.


THE GOOD


1. The Direct Market For Comics Is Doing It Right!

"Sales will always fluctuate, but given that print was being pronounced dead as early as 20 years ago, the comics market has remained remarkably stable.  It’s funny, when I first started working at Image back in 2001, the bookstore market was just beginning to take comics and graphic novels seriously. Some predicted this would have an adverse effect on the direct market, but you’re still here.  Not too long after that, when digital comics emerged as an alternative to print, there were even more gloomy predictions, but still, the Direct Market survived.  And the Direct Market will continue to survive, as long as there are people like you.  Every publisher here talks to your counterparts in the bookstore market, and do you know what they’re telling us?  They’re telling us graphic novels are one of the only categories of print publishing that is growing."

Stephenson has the truth of it here.  Even as Borders is declaring bankruptcy and Barnes and Noble is closing stores, the comics industry as a whole is doing well.  It will probably take several years of study to determine how much of that is due to an increased public presence through other cultural media (i.e. movies and TV) but it can't be denied that the graphic literature publishing houses are doing well.


2. A Call For Lower Prices And Less Gimmicks

"Are $4.99 and $7.99 comics going to help our industry in the long run?  No, but they sure help the bottom line at the end of the year.  Same with gimmick covers and insane incentives to qualify for variants that will only have a limited appeal for a limited amount of time."

This is one of the factors that is driving away the fan-base faster than new-readers can make up the difference.  The current movement by some publishers to boost sales numbers by offering rare variant covers may be increasing sales numbers and profits in the short-term  but catering to the speculators is what caused so many publishers to go under in the 1990s.


3. Now, More Than Ever, We Need To Win Over Female Readers 

"Right now, the fastest growing demographic for Image Comics, and I’m willing to speculate, for the entire industry, is women.  For years, I’ve listened to people talk about bringing more women into the marketplace.  Over the last few years, with your help, we’ve been doing exactly that...

...We’re not the first to put out material that appealed to women – there’s a whole roomful of incredible people I wouldn’t be able to look in the eye if I made that kind of ludicrous claim – but I think we are among a select group in this industry who realize that there’s more to gain from broadening our horizons than by remaining staunchly beholden to the shrinking fan base that is supposedly excited about sequels to decrepit old crossovers like SECRET WARS II."

I don't have anything else to add to that, my own opinions upon how asinine it is to drive off over half of the population of the world because they don't buy action figures being well known to my readership at this point.


THE BAD


1. My Company Is Awesome And Everyone Else Is The Problem!

"Both of those books – THE WALKING DEAD and SAGA – have brought a lot of new readers into your stores. It is not a coincidence that both of those books are published by Image. And we publish a lot more books that can help you expand this market. New creativity is the future of this industry, not the latest SPIDER-MAN #1."

Granting that shameless self-promotion is hardly unusual coming from a comics publisher (see every damn thing Stan Lee has ever been involved in), Stephenson crosses the line from winking-to-the-camera and moves into territories usually inhabited by very serious men in military uniforms with dozens of medals on their chests.  Image über alles!


2. Comics Based On Other Properties Suck!


"Like I said, THE WALKING DEAD comic book was selling great before it was a television show. Now it sells even better. And that’s because the show made people aware of the comic – and those people came to your stores to get that comic. Because they want the real thing. TRANSFORMERS comics will never be the real thing. GI JOE comics will never be the real thing. STAR WARS comics will never be the real thing. Those comics are for fans that love the real thing so much, they want more – but there’s the important thing to understand: They don’t want more comics – they just want more of the thing they love. Those comics are accessories to an existing interest, an add-on, an upsell, easy surplus for the parent products – icing on the cake."

Granting my own bias as a librarian causes me to view anyone reading anything as a good thing, I still have to call bullshit on Stephenson's argument here.  I understand it being better for his business if the kids were reading all of the wonderful children's books published by Image Comics instead of My Little Pony or Adventure Time - published by IDW and KABOOM Studios respectively.  There's just one problem - Image doesn't have a children's line!

I'll avoid going off on a rant about how too many publishers are obsessed with proving that comics aren't just for kids anymore to the point that they're forgetting that creating comics for everyone includes creating comics for kids.  I will note, however, that many of the greatest comic creators in history got their start doing work with licensed characters. 

Alan Moore, Dave Gibbons and Grant Morrison, for instance, both did some work on Doctor Who comics for Marvel UK.  The Doctor Who comic most recently published by IDW boasted work from a number of great modern artists and writers, including Andy Diggle, Mark Buckingham and Paul Cornell.  And when the likes of Stephen Baxter and Michael Moorcock are writing Doctor Who novels... well, you'll forgive me if I don't think that not every single adapted work is completely devoid of merit. 

I look at it this way.  I hate Twilight.  I would be happy if not a single teenage girl ever read Twilight again.  But I can use the love of reading that Twilight inspired to get them reading other things.  What we need is for store owners to start pointing the kids who are coming for more Adventure Time and My Little Pony swag towards Baby Mouse, Amelia Rules! and Owly. 

In the end, it benefits us more to cultivate readers - not fans.


3. "We don’t want people buying their comics in Targets or Wal-Marts, or as a giveaway with a toy."

... why not?


Okay.  I know why not.  Because that would take money away from the brick-and-mortar independent shops that make up the direct market and everyone Stephenson was speaking to.  But what is so bad about give away comics with the toys? 

When I was a kid the only comics I had were the ones that came with my action figures.  And sure - the adventures of He-Man, The Super-Powers Team and MASK in those little books weren't always the best... but they were my first exposure to comics.  And here I am now some thirty years later - still reading.

Look, I know we're not about to get Saga toys with our Happy Meals.  And an independent-focused publisher like Image isn't about to go falling over itself trying to get its name out there when they pride themselves on exclusiveness.  But we can't build the market as a whole by hiding in our comic shops and waiting for the people to come to us.  We have to go to them.

I say we because I used to work for a comic shop.  And I spent a goodly number of weekends camped out in movie theater lobbies handing out comics and demoing the Heroclix games to passing children in order to get them interested in reading and games and (please please please) to come to our store and buy stuff.  Your more successful comic shops do this sort of thing and that is why they are successful - because they reach out to the people.

Rocket Queen and The Wrench #1 -- A Review

Imagine this scenario if you will, True Believers.  What If Tony Stark and Pepper Potts Had A Daughter And They Let Her Save The World At Their Side?  Sounds like a fairly standard idea for a comic aimed at kids, right?  Well, while Rocket Queen and The Wrench #1 does feature a brilliant billionaire crime-fighter with an armored suit and his family having adventures, this comic is anything but standard and the superheroes are a sideline to the real story.


Our focus is on Jamie Baldwin, who has a chance encounter with the armored hero Captain Zoom and his young partner Rocket Girl- er Rocket Queen!  Jamie quickly deduces that the two are father and daughter but doesn't understand why they make saving him from a super-villain attack at his school such a priority.  What Jamie doesn't know is that his long-absent father is the head of the Zoom Family's support staff - a duty he takes very seriously, despite it keeping him away from his own family.

The script by Justin Peniston does a good job of establishing the cast and the personalities of our two leads.  Its' clear from the title and the book's cover that Jamie has a destiny and will shortly be following in his father's footsteps.  We don't see any of that in this issue, though the cliffhanger does have Jamie making a discovery that probably won't surprise young readers as Peniston does a fine job of leaving enough clues for kids to connect the dots on their own.


Artist Ramanda Kamarga has a clear, Mangaesque style which suits the story well.  Between the simple character designs that clearly convey their emotions and the stylized armor of the superheroes, there's a lot here that young Manga fans will enjoy.  Kamarga is also a wonderful visual storyteller.  Consider the above sequence, which establishes how Jamie's life changed in two years without a single bit of dialogue.


Rocket Queen and The Wrench #1  is one of the most refreshingly honest kids comics I've read in a while.  It's a superhero comic, yes, but it's also an incredibly grounded story that a lot of kids will be able to relate to. It's rated 9+ on Comixology and I'd consider that a fair ranking in terms of content and complexity, with just enough real-life issues like kids coping with their parents' divorce and the loss of a parent to violence to elevate this just above being an All Ages book. 

New Blog: Reese's Pieces

Remember the Kitty Pryde cosplayer I posted a picture of a few weeks ago?  If not, here she is again.


Her name is Reese and she's just started her own comics review/cosplay blog!

You can read all about Reese's adventures and what she's reading at - http://reeseavery.wordpress.com/

Super Best Friends Forever Premieres, Already In Trouble & How We're Going To Save It

First, if you haven't seen what is easily the best of the DC Nation shorts yet, behold!

Good, wasn't it? Cute. Funny. Childish without being idiotic. But, at the same time, something that adults can enjoy watching as well. And, from a feminist perspective, it is nice to see three young women with different, distinct personalities going off on an adventure that is not boy-related.

In short, this is great. I dare say this could be used to reach out to young viewers and turn them into young readers. Naturally, the very same weekend this premiered, DC Comics seemed to be determined to burst our balloon...

SOURCE: Super Best Friends Forever’s Days Are Numbered

Lauren Faust, acclaimed animator and director whose work has included Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, The Powerpuff Girls, and a relaunch of some show with horses that’s all the rage, is finishing up her run on Super Best Friends Forever.

There will be a total of only five 75-second long shorts featuring Supergirl, Batgirl and Wonder Girl, each of them aired as interstitials during episodes of Green Lantern or Young Justice.

Serious folks, just five for now. Straight from the pony’s mouth.

Slightly on the upside, there was hope given for ‘possible maybe perhaps we’re not going to commit to it but lets tease the fanbase anyways possibly’ more given at the DC Nation panel.

*sighs* Why, WB & DC? Why do you hate joy so much?

Now, I know what you're thinking. Isn't there a chance that they're just teasing us and that they are certainly going to do everything they can to get a full-length series of this up-and-running ASAP? After all, the buzz for this short among comic fans has been big. And Faust's My Little Pony is probably the most popular cartoon to come out in years. Creating a product using the same art style with the goal of bringing in more young women and girls into the comic reading fold? Should be a no-brainer.

Well, considering these are the same blokes who have ignored basic math for years regarding the percentage of women to men in their potential readership and the number of people who watched Teen Titans Go! vs. the number of neckbeards who would like to replace all the real women wiith FemBots, I don't think we can take any chances.

So here is what we're going to do...

1. If you're on Facebook, go to http://www.facebook.com/warnerbrosent and http://www.facebook.com/dccomics.

2. If you're on Twitter, go to http://twitter.com/#!/warnerbrosent and http://twitter.com/#!/dccomics and https://twitter.com/#!/DC_Nation

3. Write a simple, polite message saying how much you love Super Best Friends Forever and how much you'd like to see it made into a full series. If you have kids, talk about how much they loved the short. Use a #SBFF tag or something similar so it can stack up with the other comments.

4. Encourage your friends and followers to do the same.

Enough Is Never Enough: A Response

I was catching up on my Twitter feed, when I read a most worrying post over at the DC Women Kicking Ass Tumblr. In brief, they discussed a recent survey conducted by DC Comics regarding public response to the New 52 line. The survey concluded that - despite much talk about the revitalization of the line bringing in new readers - most of the people reading the New 52 books are males between 18-34 and that they were avid or lapsed fans. No word on how many of them think all these new #1s will be worth something someday.

Now, I find most surveys to be suspect. Especially one that was conducted, in-part, through the Internet. But even if we could assume that this survey was wholly accurate and accept the conclusions that less than 10% of the current comics market is made up of women and children, does that mean we should give up trying to make the comics industry a wide-spread cultural institution?

Here then is The Question: Is it a waste of our time to fight for better portrayals of female characters? Is it foolish for us to demand quality comics aimed at children? Is it utterly futile for all of us to try and save an industry that, by most appearances, doesn't want to be saved?

In the words of The Mighty Thor, "I say thee nay!"

The comic book publishers in general have a lot to answer for. But they aren't the only ones to blame for the current state of things. There are some comic shop owners who have a lot to answer for too - owners like my former bosses from my days as a comic shop employee, who gave orders that any woman entering into our store was to be escorted toward the fairy statues or the Hello Kitty merchandise. Because there's no way any woman would ever come into a comic shop wanting to buy comics! Stores like this are just as much to blame for driving women out of the hobby as the publishers creating products that ignore half of their potential market.

I know it is frustrating having to deal with this sort of thing and that some days you are bashing your head against a wall. But fighting sexism is never a mistake. Fighting for your children is never a mistake. Fighting for a better world for everyone is never a mistake.

That being said, I do believe we have made two mistakes.

The first mistake is thinking this change will come quickly when it does come. That all it will take is one magical reboot and the world will change overnight. Change doesn't work that way outside the storybook pages. At the very least, constructive change rarely comes about that easily.

The other mistake is thinking that the comic book industry must be the one to initiate the change. It's us. It has always been us and it must begin with us. If there are going to be any lasting changes, it is going to have to come from all of the fandom united together. But those changes can be small ones. And like pebbles falling down a cliff, eventually an avalanche will come.

I don't claim to have all the answers. And I've thought about hanging up my pen and giving up comics more times than many would guess. But I've also come to relish the small positive changes that I've helped bring about and all the signs that as bad as things may be, there is still something worth fighting for.

The girl I wrote about a week ago, who decided she wanted a Supergirl birthday party instead of a Princess one? That's a small change.

The ex-girlfriend I got into comics by introducing her to Fables? That's a small change.

The Manga fan who I introduced to American Comics through Birds of Prey? That's a small change.

The little girl who came into my store with a brother who just wanted Yu-Gi-Oh cards and wound up walking out with a copy of Amelia Rules? That's a small change.

The girl at the movie theater, where I was handing out comics on Free Comic Book Day, who - when told by her friend that they were out of girl's comics - said "No, they still have Iron Man". That's a small change.

As saccharine as it may sound, those little changes do give me hope. And they keep me going. They say we can't fight the system. But people fight the system every day in little ways, spawning little changes and little victories.

Will their be a big victory someday? I hope so. But until then, I am content to do what good I can and change what little I can. Because we win every time someone says "No. This isn't acceptable. And we can be better."

Share The Love Of Our Hobby: Gift A Comic 2011

SOURCE: Gift A Comic 2011

The world of comics is shrinking. Sales are floundering and the fan base is not growing. Marvel and DC are doing what they think is best to attract new readers. And it is high time we the fans do something as well.

Many of us have friends and family who read but don't read comics. And that needs to change. So this holiday season, gift a comic to a friend and/or family member. Whether it be a single issue, a trade, graphic novel, or a digital copy; the goal is to spread the joy of comics to new people.

This isn't about digital vs. print, or indie vs. mainstream, this is about spreading our love of comics to new readers and possibly new fans. If we don't grow and expand our industry, no one will.

#GiftAComic2011


A noble goal, but I say - why wait until the holidays? Reading isn't a once-a-year thing. It's an all-the-time thing! Why not buy your friends and family a comic now? Or donate a graphic novel to your local library - share the gift of comics with your entire community!

Darkwing Duck #1-4 - In Review

He is the terror that flaps in the night. He is the critic who mocks your webcomic. He is Darkwing Duck. And he is back!

For the uninitiated among you, let me explain: Darkwing Duck is a superhero cut from the same cloth as Batman, The Sandman and The Shadow. And he's a duck, who occupies a little-visited corner of the same universe that Scrooge McDuck and the rest of the DuckTales characters inhabit. Using a variety of gadgets, including a gas gun and a near-supernatural ability to sneak around and appear dramatically at will, Darkwing protects the city of St. Canard from a motley crew of supervillains. Among these are the electrically empowered Megavolt, the plant manipulating Doctor Bushroot, insane ex-toymaker Quackerjack and the fluid fiend known as The Liquidator.

Darkwing Duck was easily the best cartoon to emerge from The Disney Afternoon line-up in the early 1990s and one of the best cartoons I grew up watching as a kid. At the time, it was one of those rare shows that could be watched by anyone - the kids would like the slapstick and the superhero elements while their parents could enjoy the sly asides and parodies that made up most of the series' plots.

Small wonder then, that as BOOM! Studios brings this character back in comic book form, that they would elect to bring Darkwing Duck back with a parody of the most famous "superhero returning to crime-fighting story ever". Look at the above cover art and consider the title of the opening arc - The Duck Knight Returns.

Yes. It's a parody of grim-and-gritty Frank Miller's Batman run. Hidden in, of all things, a Disney Comic!

Is it just me or is that all kinds of awesome?

The story opens on a flashback of Darkwing Duck's final publicized adventure, some 18 months before the comic opens. Since then, a company called Quackwerks has moved into St. Canard, taking over most of the businesses and the police force. Order is kept by a series of robot "Arrestoids" and the various criminals - super-powered and mundane - have been given day jobs, putting their talents to work for the company.

Darkwing is working for them now too, in his secret identity of Drake Mallard. He's working a job he doesn't understand to pay for his foster daughter Gosalyn's schooling and shares a cubicle with Elmo Sputterspark (a.k.a. the super villain Megavolt). And for some reason that isn't explained at first, he had a falling out with his best-friend and sidekick, master-pilot Launchpad McQuack. Drake is, in a word, miserable.

Drake is forced out of retirement and back into action after Quackworks' new-and-improved Arrestoids prove to be a bit overzealous, breaking down walls to subdue middle-school students who illegal download music... including Goaslyn's classmate Honker. Somebody has to investigate the power behind Quackwerks. Somebody has to stand up against the machines that fight crime without any sense of scale.

Meanwhile, Elmo is abducted by his former villainous comrades in the Fearsome Five... er Four and recruited for a complicated revenge scheme against the company that is crushing their spirits and wasting their talents. Their leader in this plan is Quackerjack, who it seems has become more Joker than Toyman in the last year and a half, becoming psychotically unhinged whenever the name of Negaduck - the former leader of the Fearsome Five and Darkwing Duck's evil twin from a parallel Earth - is brought up.

I won't spoil the rest of the issues for you any further. Suffice it to say this is best book for a juvenile audience I've read in a good long while. If you're a fan of the show, you'll love the comic. If you're not, you should check it out and see what you've been missing as they do a great job of introducing the characters and the universe to those who aren't familiar with it. Despite this, there's plenty of in-jokes for those of us who are familiar with it as well as a few cameos which prove that some - if not all - of The Disney Afternoon Shows were set in the same universe. Check out the last panel of this page for another familiar face.

Yes. Apparently Launchpad sought work with The Rescue Rangers at one point. And while I've refused to spoil the details of this storyline past Issue #2, here's some motivation for all of you crossover fans to get issue #5.

Let's Send Disney A Message About Marvel's "All-Ages" Books.

I avoided writing about this for the last few days. Partly because I hadn't read the issues in question and partly because so many others were covering the story in a better fashion than I ever could. In case you've somehow avoided hearing about the "Spider-Man Rape Scandal" until now, you can read all the dirty details, with image scans, here.

Actually, you can read all about them at more than a few sites. The story has become so big it has broken into the mainstream media at multiple points. So why break my silence now?

Because I still believe that with great power comes great responsibility. And minute as my power as a comic-reviewing blogger is, I do feel a responsibility to use it.

Because I don't think that heroes - especially heroes in a book advertised as being suitable for young children (Amazing Spider-Man is rated "All Ages" according to Marvel Comics) - have any business drinking to the point of insensibility.

Because I don't think that it is appropriate to imply sexual activity - particularly irresponsible sexual activity - in a book that is apparently intended for younger audiences. And make no mistake - according to Marvel assistant editor Tom Brennan, "what you think happened is pretty much what happened."

Because I don't think portrayals of women as hateful, nagging shrews who can be turned into clingy, obsessive bimbos after one sexual encounter rape make-out session are funny or appropriate in the 21st century.

But mostly - because I don't like having my intelligence insulted. And I can't think of any word besides insult that I can use to describe a Marvel Comics editor Steve Wacker insisting that "readers have imagined more than is on the page" after they depict a woman wearing a man's shirt and underwear as she immediately starts setting down rules for their relationship and telling him what they are going to do together.

They've implied a sexual act occured between The Chameleon and Peter's roommate, Michelle. Plain and simple.

And you can argue the legal definiton of rape, based on whichever country, state, provience or prefecture you live in - it's still sleazy and wrong by any decent moral standard.

And even though the most recent issue reportedly confirms that nothing happened between Michelle and the Chameleon besides a make-out session on the kitchen floor, portraying Michelle as clingy folowing the act - whatever it was - when she's been nothing but dismissive and insulting to Peter before now does not make a lick of sense.

At best, it's an insulting stereotype (i.e "bitch just needs to get laid!"). At worst, it's an insult to the intelligence of the readers to believe this sudden change of heart came about because of a simple make-out session on the kitchen floor.

Thankfully, there's a new power running things at Marvel now. And they don't take kindly to racial stereotyping, blatant sexism or rape as comedy.

http://corporate.disney.go.com/responsibility/feedback.html

I think they would appreciate hearing your polite, thoughtful letters about your concerns over this sort of thing being presented as "All-Ages Entertainment".

Spider-Man Comic Banned in Nebraska... For Showing A Woman In A Bikini.

SOURCE: Spider-Man Faces Being Banned In Nebraska Public School

While I usually make it a policy to support my fellow librarians and fight censorship in every form, this case is clearly the librarian's fault for having bought materials for an elementary school library without reviewing them first to see if they were appropriate.

Because stunningly - as this one library system is finding out - NOT ALL COMICS ARE FOR KIDS!

So I can't say that the outrage over Spider-Man comics of an inappropriate age-level being bought for an elementary school library is altogether inappropriate or shocking. What does shock me, however, is the particular graphic novel that has inspired this offense and the reason why it has been singled out.

Amazing Spider-Man Vol 2: Revelations. Seriously.

Not the Todd MacFarlane Spider-Man books featuring bondage play with the web fluid.

Not the Mark Millar Marvel Knights: Spider-Man books featuring Electro, his shape-shifting prostitute girlfriend and the suggestion that Electro has a taste for being buggered.

Not even Spider-Man: Reign which is remembered less as a half-assed attempt to write a dark-future Spider-Man story in the Frank Miller Dark Knight Returns style and more for the revelation that Peter Parker has radioactive semen and that "his love" gave Mary Jane cancer and killed her!

No, it was Amazing Spider-Man Vol 2: Revelations.

What was it in the book that the mom found so objectionable? The graphic but realistic depiction of the 9-11 attacks and the effect on New York City? Aunt May joking, when she finds out the truth about Peter's secret identity, that she had always thought he was gay or a cross-dresser and that his being a superhero never occured to her?

No. Much worse than that...

Svendsen claims that when her son brought the book home he found an image of a woman in a bathing suit and went, as 6- year olds normally do, “Ohhhh!” The images about which Svendsen are protesting show a very shapely redhead in various states of undress. This woman is quite possibly Mary Jane Watson, long-time love interest to Spider-Man’s alter ego, Peter Parker. Lending credence to this idea is the fact that in one scene, the woman is being photographed on the beach during a photo-shoot.

A woman in a bikini?! That's it? That's the objectionable material that everyone is going crazy over?

*face palms* Good thing the kid didn't wind up taking Teen Titans home. I can only imagine what Mom would have thought of Supergirl's short skirt and Wonder Girl's belly-shirts.

Honestly, I agree that the librarian should have known better. But out of all of the many reasons why J. Michael Straczynski's Amazing Spider-Man should not be in an elementary school library, women in bikinis isn't even in the top ten!

I mean, Betty and Veronica wear bikinis more often than not now. Would anyone argue that those books contain inappropriate sexual content?

Dark Knight and Hellboy 2 Reviews Are On Their Way...

I just got out of a double-feature, movie-marathon session where I saw both movies today.

I also just found out - about ten minutes ago - that one of my dearest and oldest friends, Daniel, just died.

I hope you'll forgive me if I'm not in much mood to talk movies right now. I'll write the reviews later, I promise.

For now though - because I think this would amuse Daniel given how we met through Rocky Horror Picture Show and because he loved George Carlin and any rants about people being stupid - here's a quick list of three socially unacceptable behaviors I'd like to see outlawed at movie theaters.

1. Attempting To Meet New People - There are many good reasons to go to the movie theater, but generally, making new friends is not one of them. I'm at a theater, I'm in the dark, I'm sitting on the back row in the corner, I want to be left alone to focus on the film. I do not want some frat boy with his beer pitcher plopping down next to me, trying to get my opinions on how sacrilegious it is that they are making another Terminator movie without Ah-nold.

2. Inconsiderate Parents- I'll admit this complaint is nothing new, but I found a new sub-strata in this ancient rock today. There have always been parents who refused to take their crying babies, bratty toddlers and inquisitive kindergartners into the lobby when they got noisy. Until today, though, I had never seen a parent who refused to take a child who was scared by a movie home. This one kid behind me was crying - scared, and rightly so, by the antics of The Joker. But this parent... they shhhhed the kid and told them to quit being a wimp.

3. People Who Try To Teach Narrative Awareness To Their Kids At The Theater- For those of you who don't know, Narrative Awareness is the technical term for knowing how a story works. It's knowing cause and effect, how actions lead to reactions and basically being able to have an attention span greater than that of your average summer blockbuster audience. It is one of the six key skills that make up literacy. It is also something that can be easily taught by asking a child questions as you read them a story or watch a show together. It is a very good and wonderful thing to teach your children as early as possible. However, I would venture to say - as a trained professional librarian, mind you - that there are certain places it should probably not be attempted. One of them is a movie theater on opening weekend at a PG-13 movie! And it definitely should not be a movie where you describe the action with the words "So Joker blows up the police station because he's naughty..."

Random Thoughts On A Comic-Loving Librarian's School Visit Or Why Jenny Doesn't Read Comics.

I'm a librarian. I have Summer Reading Programs to promote. I have a bunch of free comics to give away thanks to my local comic book shop and their FCBD Extras. The one helps with buying silence at the elementary school as I talk about the other. And lo, did I make these observations.



1. There was a serious lack of honest-to-goodness child-friendly books this year. And by child-friendly, I mean actually written for kids as opposed to being written on a child's reading level. And there's an especially appalling lack of books that might interest young girls.

Case in point: my store didn't even one copy of Amelia Rules; a great book for elementary-school age kids and one of the few FCBD books with a female protagonist. We also didn't get Neotopia, which I have yet to read but understand is all-ages, very good and has a female hero. I got a few (i.e. a dozen) Owly, but that's really only good for pre-readers and 1st and 2nd grade. X-Men centers on a new female character, but is written for Teens. So what does that leave us out of the "Gold" comics for younger readers that feature female characters on the cover?

Archie's Pal Jughead (Betty and Veronica guest-star) and Tiny Titans.


2. There are few constant things in this ever-changing world but these few constants do bring me comfort. One of them is that Archie comics are pretty much the same as they were when I was a kid and kids today will still take anything other than an Archie comic if it is available.


3. This includes Tiny Titans, which is quite possibly the worst book for kids I've ever seen. The art should be in the dictionary next to the word "condescending". The jokes, such as they are, are even worse than the bad pun humor in Teen Titans Go! But worst of all, the book presumes you already know who all of the characters are but doesn't give any introduction at all to the characters. Which is rather important if you're to understand why Lil' Ravager moaning about her dad, Mr. Slade, becoming principal, is a big deal.


4. Am I the only one who thinks that the meta-humor that dominates Tiny Titans might be tolerable if it centered on the kids annoying their principal (Captain Underpants meets Bart Simpson style) and each issue featured Robin shouting "Hey Mr. Wilson!"?


5. Bad as Tiny Titans is, it's still better than Marvel's cynical Iron Man/Hulk free "comic book", which is actually just a catalog for upcoming Iron Man and Hulk mini-series and trade-paperbacks. It's the FCBD equivalent of sending away for a Lil' Orphan Annie Decoder ring and finding out that the big secret message is "Be Sure To Drink Your Ovaltine". It's a commercial!


6. Still, there is some hope. Witness this exchange between two girls as they were picking out the books.

Girl #1: All the girl comics are gone!

Girl #2: No, there's still some Iron-Man.

Apparently, someone at DC is listening...

I know I'm not the first to have said it. I certainly wasn't the last to say it. But a whole lot of people have been saying - like when I wrote my Modest Proposal on How DC Comics could better appeal to young female readers - that a series centering around at least one of their many teen superheroines would be a very good thing.

Well, this isn't the revival of Amethyst that I predicted. It's even better.

Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures in the Eighth Grade to become part of DC's Children's Line.

Mangaesque Art! And she's wearing tights! And doesn't look like Paris Hilton!

They're finally learning, aren't they?

It's Not About The Sexism. It's Not Even About The Dialogue. It's AboutTruth in Advertising.

I'm so glad that I'm not giving Marvel any more of my money.

Why? Well, there's many reasons, but here's the most recent one...




This is not a Photoshop job. This is not from a comedy book. This is an actual panel from Mighty Avengers #11 by Brian Michael Bendis. A writer actually got paid for this dialogue. An editor actually approved of this.

Now, I know I'm a little slow in commenting on this because - as I said - I don't read anything Marvel publishes anymore and I just heard about this after reading another blog. And no, I haven't read the entire issue in question. In this case I don't think I need to. Because this line, as has been pointed out by many people by now, is not only grammatically unsound: it is also so horribly out-of-character for Doom that it makes any further review of the issue unnecessary.

Of course, since one of the more famous Feminist comic-bloggers wrote one of the most visible criticisms of said issue, the usual charter members of The He-Man Woman Haters Club are crawling out of their caves and their mother's basements and screaming defense after defense of how Bendis isn't sexist and how very silly it is that the womenfolk are complaining about Doom saying bad things about a woman because Doom is a very naughty man who says and does very bad things.

Of course, had these fine specimens of manliness actually bothered to have - you know - read said article, they would have found out that Ms. Fortuner's article was not about Ms. Marvel being called "fat" or "cow" or "whore". It was about how while Doctor Doom probably is a Misogynist (by simple virtue of him thinking himself superior to everybody), he has always been portrayed as being the chilvaric "women on a pedestal" sort of sexist.

Doom has also never been the kind to stoop to simple insults, particularly physical ones. He may insult a woman's stupidity for being trapped so easily but Doom would never stoop as to comment on her weight or her sexual habits. Because Doom, whatever else you might say about him, is a classy guy. He'll throw a banquet for his arch-enemies so that they have a good last meal before he kills them. He honors his agreements and shows at least a modicum of respect for those he contests with. And he'll even, should the world be at stake, put aside his vendetta against the accursed Reed Richards and those who would aid him in the name of the greater good.

So why did I feel the need to comment on this when so many other more distinguished luminaries, including that master parodist Christopher Bird, have already weighed in on this issue?

Because of something that the children's librarian in me remembered from reading through a catalog and something that I think is rather important. Namely, that this book - Mighty Avengers #11 - was rated All Ages by whoever it is that Marvel has rate their comics for age-appropriateness.

Yes. All-Ages. As in, you're supposed to be able to give this to anyone without fear of it containing inappropriate material.

Now, I'm not a prude. Far from it. Anybody who has read my work, knows my reading habits or is familiar with my weekend exploits as part of a Rocky Horror troupe can vouch that I am not easily offended nor am I a Helen Lovejoy "Won't Somebody PLEASE Think of the children" type. But I have to ask: Since when has "whore" been an acceptable word for use in children's books? Even children's pictorial bibles don't drop the W-bomb!

Before now, I was content to limit my ban on Marvel Comics to my own personal reading habits. Now, I'm enforcing it at my library. Because if I can't trust Marvel Comics to honestly and fairly rate their own materials, then I can't be bothered to take the risk on anything they publish.

Looking To The Stars: A List of Grievances

First things first; if you missed last week’s column regarding the whole Katrina situation, read it now! Just because a week has passed and I’m finally taking some time to *GASP* write about comics doesn’t mean you get a pass on trying to do something. Hell, go out and do something for SOME good cause. Be a hero yourself in a small way instead of just reading about them.

Now, with all apologies to George Carlin, here is a list of some things and people in the comic book industry and comic book fandom that are just plain pissing me off!

First thing I could easily do without; the adults-only crowd. We need to get rid of every writer, artist and marketing executive hoo-hah that insist that it is a waste of time and effort to try and market comic books to kids anymore. There is a market out there. Trust me; I have seen too many kids who watched Spider-Man 2 over and over and over, have a Fantastic Four T-shirt or dress up as Batman at Halloween to believe that there is no market out there for safe but enjoyable comics written for younger readers.

Which leads to me to something I’ve written about in depth once before; let’s have a few more books like The Stardust Kid, The Thief of Always and Gus Beezer and a few less books like Marvel Adventures: Spider-Man. You wonder why kids don’t want to read all the comics you make for kids? It’s because most of them suck! Get Stan Lee to come back and write a Spider-Man title instead of publishing some half-assed, third-rate rip-off of his best works. Get someone to help punch up the dialogue if you MUST have cool modern slang but let that man spin the plots if nothing else.

And we could easily do without the comic fans who complain about kids in their store. Yes, it happens. I had one customer ask me once why we had the Hentai Manga sealed up and declare, after I explained it was to keep children from reading it accidentally, “What are you doing letting children into a comic book store?” Sadly, he was being serious.

So if the presence of children bothers you that much, come in the middle of the day while the kids are still in school or during the middle of the week when they are less likely to come in. Or use a mail-order comic service. Your need for creepy Japanese tentacle porn does not exceed the rights of all the parents out there.

And while we’re on the subject of parents and protecting the children… let me say a few words about clueless parents who don’t do their jobs.

My comic shop goes through a lot of effort to make sure that books that aren’t for children stay out of their hands. We put them up on high shelves. We seal up the particularly nasty issues in laminated bags. One of the higher-ups reads through all the preview comics and makes a list of which new titles should be kept out of reach. And all the employees are expected to keep track of this kind of thing and inform parents when they are about to get their kids something inappropriate. A lot of comic shops use the same or similar safe guards.

So it really chafes me when I have someone come in with their five-year-old and then proceed to buy 20 bucks worth of Spawn comics and I tell them that it’s probably not appropriate for them and they start screaming about how they have the right to decide what their children read. Well, you know what? I have the right to cover my ass and say that you were warned before Timmy becomes a chronic bed-wetter and you decide it would be a really great idea to sue me for selling you the evil comic book that scared him so bad. So pardon me for trying to protect your children from things they probably aren’t ready to deal with. Maybe if you did your job as a parent, I wouldn’t have to.

But let’s not forget the flip-side on this. The over-protective nuts. The people like the woman who complained to me at length, using some most unfriendly words, about how Betty and Veronica’s bikinis made them look like “sluts”. These were not thong bikinis or something like that; just regular, full-bottomed two-piece swimsuits.

You know, Betty and Veronica have been drawn rather sexily and scantily for some time now and apart from sparking several disturbing drunken bar talks about which fictional characters a group of friends would like to fornicate with (I was always partial to Cheryl Blossom myself), I don’t think that a drawing of a girl in a bikini does anyone any harm. Well, unless a guy stares at it while trying to drive and has a car wreck… but that’s besides the point.

And while we’re on the subject of parenting, here are a few more folks we could do without…

Every parent who brings their children into a comic store and devotes all their time to trying to get a bored son to pick out something to read, while discouraging their daughter who is looking at everything, saying that it is “boys stuff”. I say “parent” instead of father because I’ve actually seen mothers do this too! And people wonder why there are so many girls who fail to get into reading at a young age.

Every parent who, while getting their own comics, discourages their children’s curiosity over something they enjoy and tells them “not to touch” the comics for any reason other than “your hands are dirty” or “that book isn’t good for you”.

In fact, let’s go one step further and call out every parent who comes in looking for an “investment” for their children. God forbid your kids should actually be reading the comics.

There’s another thing that’s been annoying me; comics as an investment. Is anyone besides the publishers and a few of the middle-men comic shops actually making money off of the special edition variant covers? I don’t think so! Aside from inflating order numbers and providing work to artists who lack the drive or ability to do a monthly title, what purpose do they serve?

And whatever marketing weasel came up with the idea of alternate-cover hard-cover collections (like with the upcoming Identity Crisis HC) should be strung up by the ankles and lashed with a rolled-up copy of X-Men #1.

Is it safe to say that we’re all sick of overly-hyped, disappointing mega-crossover events with book tie-ins that really have no connection to the mega-crossover? Just checking.

But enough generalities. Here’s a few more specific examples of people I can do without.

* Judd Winick fans complaining about nobody else following Judd Winick’s continuity – you lost whatever sympathy I may have had for Devin Grayson ignoring what Judd was doing in Outsiders and Batman had you shown me any when I said “You know, Black Lightning would never use his powers to kill,” and wrote me off as an old-school Silver Age shill who was trapped in the past.

* Brian Michael Bendis fans complaining about some of the House of M titles not working with his “grand vision”. Blame Marvel’s editors for screwing the pooch; not me for being the one to point out that the story timelines don’t match up.

* Everyone who is going to purchase the reported deluxe HC of Frank Cho’s Shanna The She Devil with the original nude artwork restored. You can find pictures of real bare-naked women for free with a simple Google search; be thrifty AND less creepy!

* People who complain about how Writer A can’t make a deadline but then excuse away Writer B, who also can’t make a deadline, but is a much bigger jerk about it. (I don’t need to name names. You’ll all just fill in the blanks anyway. )

And finally everyone who has a negative opinion but doesn’t bother to listen to the other guy’s point of view? Forget them.

Speaking of which, if anyone out there has any comments or has issue with something I said, my e-mail is always open.

Tune in next week. Same Matt time. Same Matt website.

Looking To The Stars: A Modest Proposal, Part One

Much has been said and written about how the comics industry is in dire straits in terms of membership. Your average comic fan these days is a twenty/thirty-something male; a stark contrast to even twenty years ago when the peerage was under ten or in their teens. Clearly something got lost along the way.

Much has also been written about the hows and whys of how the majority of “kiddie books” are no longer fit for the kiddies. But we must ignore all the theories of video games/TV stealing the audience or how the Dark Age of the 80’s and 90’s made things too bloody and sexual for children. Setting the blame for the responsibility of what got us here is pointless. We’ve already hit the iceberg; it doesn’t matter who was steering the ship.

It does nothing to change the fact that the ship of our hobby is slowly sinking into oblivion. And unless we bring in some new blood, the comic book may go the way of the buggy whip, the washboard and the cup of coffee that costs less than three dollars.

What I have is a modest proposal, in two parts, of how we can bring more people into our hobby. Specifically, the two groups that it seems we are lacking the largest numbers of and are going to need in order to keep the hobby going: women and children.

And for those of you who are but a simple fan, keep reading. This is not just written for the writers, artists, publishers or those lucky few like myself who have found a job in a comic store. There is a lot that even you, the lone fan, can do to help save the comic industry.

1. What The Kids Want

Regardless of age, nobody wants to feel stupid or be talked down to. And yet, I have seen many situations where kids in a comic book store are spoken to like they are idiots. This is not much better than the other frequent thing I see happen to children; everyone ignores them and only the parents are talked to.

My first bit of advice is simple; treat the children like equals. When you’re talking to a fan or a customer with kids and they have children, don’t ask mom and dad what their son or daughter enjoys. Ask the young ones themselves.

Once you know a child and what interests them, you can help them to find a book that interests them. To give one example, lets say you have an eight-year-old boy who likes robots. Try showing them Sentinel or some of the older Transformers books. Don’t just point them to the spinner rack full of “safe” comics or your collection of Archie books.

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with Archie Comics. But as clean and wholesome as they are, not everyone finds them funny or likes the romantic drama… particular an eight-year-old boy who likes robots.

This leads to my second point: don’t treat the kids like they are passing along on an assembly line and give them all the same thing.

2. Working With the Parents

While it is important you treat the kids getting into comics as individuals worthy of the same respect as an adult, you should also make sure that parental control is maintained. Simply put, different parents are going to have different opinions on what is appropriate for their children and it is your responsibility to help them out.

Case in point: recently at work, a young man of 11 approached me about finding a particular Hulk comic. He said that he wasn’t sure of the issue, but he remembered Hulk threatening to kill Freddie Prinze Jr. and falling out of a plane. I realized that he was talking about The Ultimates, which is not the kind of thing I’d be comfortable with any son of mine reading. We found his father and I showed him the issue in question and asked if his son had been reading the book.

Thankfully he hadn’t; it turned out that they had just gotten Tom DeFalco’s book on The Hulk, and that the Ultimates version of the Hulk was discussed… or at least the part about Freddy Prinze Jr. and the plane was. He agreed with me that Ultimates was not something that he’d be comfortable with his son reading. He said the same about the current Avengers title, owing to some rather graphic artwork detailing the victims of a viral weapon attack. This lead to us discussing what comics he read as a kid and liked and my finding some things that he and his son could enjoy.

Later that same day, a group of kids about the same age came in and immediately began sorting through the old Fantastic Four and X-Men issues. They were a bit more mature, obviously intelligent and asked if I knew what John Byrne and Chris Claremont were doing now. I showed them (and the father they had in tow) Claremont’s current work on “X-Treme X-Men” and “Mekanix” and told them that Byrne and Claremont would soon be teaming up to work on JLA soon.

The lesson here is obvious. It is important for all of us to show the friendliness of comic books to children and their parents This is doubly important for those of us employed by the stores. We must create a safe environment and let parents feel that we are actively working to help them and their children to find quality reading material and not just trying to make a quick buck by selling them “the next big thing”.

3. Got To Keep Them Seperated?

I made mention earlier of the spinner rack full of “safe” comics. Many stores now have special areas set aside for children or a family area, with board games and action figures as well as the comics deemed appropriate for younger readers. While the idea behind such an area is noble, the execution does have some drawbacks.

For one thing, kids don’t like being corralled. Indeed, they like to roam around anyplace new and interesting. Try and steer them towards something and some of them will push the other way. Also, introducing anything as “kids stuff” is a virtual guarantee of their ignoring it. When I was a kid, I hated hearing anything I liked called “kid stuff” and I doubt things have changed that much.

I recommend what we do at my store; split the difference and have a rack full of kid friendly stuff close to the front but also put those same books on the main shelves. This way you have books at the front for the parents looking for something for they can get quickly and those who come in browsing for themselves with their kids. You can let the children roam around and feel like adults and still be able to control what they might get their hands on.

By that token, stores should probably avoid having a separate section for more “mature” titles as well. This is not to suggest that you should put the latest offerings from Avatar Press on the shelf next to Justice League Adventures, but there are alternatives. Higher shelves that the young ones can’t reach or “black bagging” mature titles are just two of the possible solutions to this problem. In any case, I personally advise against keeping comics separated into different store areas. Kids love to get into anything forbidden and they’ll try to sneak past the curtain to the back room just on the principal that adults always try to hide the “cool stuff”. And some parents may wonder about the suitability of the entire hobby if a large section is labeled “off-limits” to children.

4. Interesting Children in Comics

Of course all of this discussion of where to put the books is pointless if the children aren’t interested in reading the books to begin with. Thankfully, there are lots of ways to get kids interested. I’ve already talked about finding an interest and relating that to a specific book, but there are other methods as well.

The mass media is our friend and adaptations of comics into other media only helps to bring in more fans. I can’t tell you how many kids started reading Ultimate Spider-Man after the Spider-Man movie came out, but I can guarantee you that movies and cartoons don’t hurt. And in these days when Trade Paperback collections of the hottest selling books are so commonplace, it is much easier on the allowance of these new fans to get into a book.

And I am glad to note that many companies, publishers and writers are now making an effort to produce more books that are written towards a younger audience. It has been said before, but I think the best example of what we as writers should shoot for is Harry Potter, which has a huge following with adults despite being written on a younger reading level. Kids relate to Harry and his friends and wish that they could study magic instead of math while adults like Harry Potter because it is a good adventure story with a lot of funny moments. In fact, the first time I saw the Harry Potter movie in the theater, I saw more adults in an early morning showing than I did wide-eyed kids. (Incidentally, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix goes on sale this Saturday)

This is what many are shooting for. Rather than write bland or inoffensive stories like many of the Archie comics, they are making an effort to write stories that adults and children can both enjoy on an equal level. To give an example of some of what is coming for those of us who want to bring our own children or other kids into the hobby…

• After an absent of many years, Gladstone returns this month with a new series of Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck comics with more Disney-based titles due out by the end of the year.
• Peter David just started a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles book based on the new cartoon series, while a “mature” title based on the original comics still continues to be published for the fans who disliked the “dumbing down” of the Turtles to create the original cartoon series.
• DC launched a new Batman title based on the animated series the week of Free Comic Book Day. They also publish Justice League Adventures and will no doubt have a title for the new Teen Titans series on Cartoon Network
• While I’ve praised it before, I must once again mention the wonderful Gus Beezer series by Gail Simone is a hilarious treat for kids of all ages.

In conclusion, there are four things we must do to bring children into our hobby. First, we must treat the kids as equals and not talk down to them or ignore them. We must find out what they want as individuals and not give them a standard cookie-cutter answer. We must find ways to let them feel like adults as we integrate them into the hobby while letting their parents control what they read. Finally, we must have a steady stream of books that they can read and enjoy.

Tune in next week, when we’ll take a look at that most rare and wonderful of creatures: the female comic reader. Same Matt time. Same Matt Website.

The Mount - It's (Dennis) Miller Time

(EDITORS NOTE: This month's "The Mount" is being written by Dennis Miller; former A-list comedian, former anchor for Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update", former talk-show host and now former Monday Night Football color commentary man. Matt "Stars" Morrison generously agreed to give up his regular space this month, in order that he might give something back to an idol of his, whom has seen better days.)

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but what's up with the state of comics these days? Back when I was a whisper-thin lad of ten summers, there wasn't a short-pant bedecked one who didn't thrill to take a trip down to the drugstore to see the latest adventures stacked on the bottom shelf of the newsstand... no, wait... That wasn't my childhood. I grew up in the Pittsburgh ghetto. Must have gotten possessed by Andy Rooney again.

The point is that once upon a time comics could once be justifiably called kiddie books. And now look at them; ultra-violence to make Alex and all of his droogs nauseous; weaker characterization than your average Michael Bay flick and female anatomy so grossly out of proportion to make Jenna Jameson look like Peppermint Patty.

Of course comics is not alone in this growing up. Video games, for example, have progressed from two paddles beating a ball back and forth to the point where one can actually count the number of blood droplets splattered across the tree as you unleash a torrent of gunfire into the back of a doe's head. And that's just in the new Bambi game out from DisneySoft!

Thankfully, the once great national institution of comicdom has managed to hover under the "What's Wrong With Today's Youth" radar. Why do we need Lady Death when we can blame all our sociopathic youth plagues on Quake and Marilyn Manson? Who, it might be noted, is slowly starting to look more and more like Lady Death as the years go on

As far as menaces to society go, Comics are on the dung heap along with Dungeons and Dragons, The Russians and Tiffany. They've all become yesterday's news, the passé Great Tool of Satan- deader than Al Gore trying to slow dance to a Morrisey song as interpreted by Robert Glass, played by a slow jazz trio made up of Cecil the Turtle, Leonardo and Fastback.

Hah! See? Got an actual comics' reference in there, cha-cha.

Of course many efforts have been made to pull comics out of the realms of Tarturus. Marvel alone is making some impressive strides in cross-promoting their stuff to the masses and making some quick cash off of Hollywood. It was easy enough once they found writers, who captured the essence of a book, directors with the artistic vision to bring about that essence, actors who fit the uniqueness of each of their beloved characters and quit hiring Roger Corman to produce their movies.

Now, far be it for me to pronounce myself qualified to judge anyone's performance in Hollywood. After all, I am the guy who distinguished himself as being more unhuggable than Boomer Esiason and who's most distinguished thespiatic effort to date was playing Sandra Bullock's gay best friend in "The Net". But I think everyone here will agree with me when I say that whoever is in charge of developing DC Comics properties needs to be locked in a small room with Richard Simmons for a few hours. Then we need to let them out and force them to watch the complete works of Kenneth Brannagh, until they beg to be locked in the room with Richard again.

Cruel and unusual punishment, my ass. Can we allow unusual punishment? I have a whole list of ideas for that.

In all seriousness though, I've heard there's an executive at Warner Bros., who had the bright idea to turn Adam Strange into "the next Harry Potter". This is a screw-up on par with the day Casca said to Brutus, "You know, I think people will be much happier without a tyrant. "

For those of you who somehow wound up reading this here without knowing thing one about comics, Adam Strange is a Man of Earth from the days of pulp comics. Yeah, the days when you could say "Man of Earth" and not get laughs like I used to during my first season on HBO. Adam gets zapped by this ray that causes him to flit back and forth between Earth and the planet Rann. Oddly enough, this ray was not designed by the Defense Department, but by Sardath; a scientist looking for specimens to breed with the sterile population of his planet. Adam winds up falling in love with Sardath's daughter, becoming a hero who saves the world a few thousand times and keeps running about on an endless quest, hoping that his next leap will be the leap home. Wait, that's Samuel Beckett. Oh, but why quibble when we're nearing the endgame?

That's okay... groan. Groan all three of you English majors who got that.

Sounds like a good story, doesn't it? For the women, you have romance; a guy who literally crosses the galaxy to find true love. Now there's a unique and epic love story to sink that little Leonardo DeCaprio/Kate Winslet vehicle. For the men, you have all the two-fisted manly action, explosions and cool space crap that you could get from a week of watching Lorne Greene and Maren Jensen. You've even got some gratuitous violence and sexual elements that can push it up to a PG-13 so the kids will want to see it.

And now we have this idiot ne savant who thinks the best way to bring this 40-year-old epic of romance, action and creepy fathers who want to set their daughters up with aliens to big screen is by deaging the hero. What's the point? I mean, how on earth is a scientist supposed to explain to a kid that he was zapped across space by a government plot right out of the wonderful Tommy Kirk opus, "Mars Needs Women"?

Or would they bother to change that? A 13 year old boy suddenly being asked to mate with a twenty-something space princess? Heck, why not? God knows every American 13 year old boy has dreamt that ever since Summer of 83 when Carrie Fisher became forever immortalized as "that chick in the metal bra".

And if they do change that element, why the heck would they be blasting these teleport rays into space in the first place? I mean, I'm no Harlan Ellison, but it occurs to me that any race that can master the sciences of teleportation is hopefully going to have a government that has advanced beyond the needs for subsidies to keep a senator in power. "Here ye, here ye, the honorable gentleman from Gropnar-17 would like to bring to the table this bill, calling for the construction of a large teleportation ray to blast beams randomly into space."

There's also this new Birds of Prey show that's coming up. Originally it was called "Chicks Who Kick Ass", but that wasn't quite PC enough. BoP is a nice action comic about a neo-superheroic Nero Wolfe/Archie Goodwin pairing who just happen to be women. Nothing quite so drastic here, except that Black Canary has been deaged from late 20's to her teens to give the show a "Buffy" vibe.

Yeah... cause you know that a show about tough women outside of their teens would never work in this Xena-phobic business of ours.

Bad puns... so this is what it has come to huh? Okay... go for the kill.

Anyway, my advice to Warner Brothers is to just step back, let the writers and editors do their work and trust that they can do for the movies and TV shows what they do for your lesser holdings. And for God's sake, get Jon Peters off the payroll before he decides Superman needs a funny edge and that Adam Sandler would be the perfect one to play him.

Of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

NOTE: This column really was written by Matt Morrison, and not Dennis Miller. We have nothing but the highest respect for Dennis Miller and this parody was done out of love, so please don't sue us.