Knights Of The Dinner Table #97 - A Review

Written by: The KODT Development Team
Penciled by: Jolly R. Blackburn
Inked by: N/A
Colored by: N/A
Lettered by: Jolly R. Blackburn
Editor: Jolly R. Blackburn
Publisher: Kenzer & Company

SCENE: Day. Thursday Morning. 9:00 a.m. A small loft apartment in Texas.

“STARMAN” Matt Morrison sits at a computer, typing away while muttering under his breath.

Starman: … get me wrong. I realize the need to raise the curtain and expand the world at times. But the sad fact is that in this issue, the need eliminates a lot of the usual comedy from the book. While this is necessary, it is not enjoyable and-

Suddenly, an Instant Messenger window opens!

Daron, The Dark Overlord: Minion!

Starman: Gah!

Daron, The Dark Overlord: It has been a long time, minion. Too long.

Starman: What do you mean? We chatted just the other day.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: But not like this, minion. I’ve missed this. The humorous reviews where I threaten you with unreasonable threats, make unreasonable demands. And everyone is amused by your pain and suffering.

Starman: But don’t you think the readers can get enough of that watching our counterparts over at the critically acclaimed 144 Anima?

Daron, The Dark Overlord: As if the readers could ever get enough of me. Now, where is the review of Army of Darkness #3 that I asked, nay DEMANDED of you?!?!

Starman: It didn’t come out this week.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: WHAT?!? You mean it is not done?

Starman: My review? No, it’s not done. The comic didn’t come out!

Daron, The Dark Overlord: But Diamond said…

Starman: Diamond was wrong. The book never made it to the stores. Not MY store, anyway. And I’ve got it on subscription, so I would have gotten it by now if it had come out. But I haven’t. So it hasn’t. Period.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: But… but that’s not fair! That is a great film! A great movie!

Starman: Yes, I know. And the comic is pretty good too. But I’ve got something to run in it’s place. A new Knights of the Dinner Table came out.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: I don’t enjoy that D&D gamer geek stuff.

Starman: Well, I didn’t enjoy this one much either. The usual back-up material and columns are okay. In fact, there’s a really funny rant by this one guy about how Boba Fett doesn’t make any sense as a character…

Daron, The Dark Overlord: Yes. And his helmet is far inferior to mine!

Starman: I guess. But the actual comics this time around were kinda flat. See, the current storyline involves how the group’s gamemaster B.A. bought “The Biggest Damn Dungeon Ever”; a new adventure that parodies something just released for D&D players in real life.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: That sounds topical and amusing.

Starman: Well, once they get into it, it will be. But after a quick strip showing the main characters sitting down to play, the whole rest of the comics section is taken up with a story showing goings-on in Hard 8 Productions, the company that makes all the great fantasy RPGs in the Knight’s reality.

Daron, The Dark Overlord:And that’s bad?

Starman: Well, they even so much as admit that they’re more concerned with throwing out plot points about how the company is going under and setting up for the future than they are about doing the usual comedy material. When you get right down to it, there’s not a lot of humor to be found in a board meeting between four characters trying to figure out how to keep their jobs.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: What? Pain and suffering. Sounds funny to me!

Starman: Yeah, well this doesn’t quite overcome the Mel Brooks Law of Relativity.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: I’m not familiar with that one?

Starman: Tragedy is when you get a papercut. Comedy is when someone else falls down an open manhole.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: Ah yes. Speaking of which, bring me a few small children. I desire to have things fall down into the bottomless pit for my amusement.

X-Treme X-Men #41 - A Review

Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Greg Adams
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Cory Petit
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics


Somewhere, on a beach in Hawaii, intrepid comic book critic and international playboy “Starman” Matt Morrison, is spending some time with his latest love interest, when suddenly the call to action comes!

*RING RING*

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Yello?

Daron, The Dark Overlord: MINNION!

Starman: Oh. Hey.

Overlord: Don’t “oh hey” me, minion! You have been absent for TWO WEEKS!

Starman: I had the time off approved!

Girl: Honey, who is that? Is it Ben Affleck?

Starman: Umm… sure.

Girl: Oooh, can I talk to him? I have a friend who could really help him get over J-Lo.

Starman: Ummmm…. No. He’s really very private.

Overlord: Minion, who is that? Surely it is not the sick mother you went to visit?

Starman: Umm… no. That’s my… physical trainer. She’s helping me work out some of the stress of mom’s illness.. (covering mouthpiece of phone) Honey, could you go get some more of that scented oil and rub my feet? They’re starting to ache something awful

Girl: Well, okay… but only cause I’m such a big fan of your work, Mr. Smith. (walks off)

Overlord: Mr. Smith? What manner of madness is this?

Starman: She thinks I’m Hugo Weaving… or Kevin Smith, I forget which.

Overlord: Indeed. Why can you not just pay for your wenches like the rest of us?

Starman: Because I believe in a little thing called romance. I’m saving myself for the special girl who will…

Overlord: … let you touch her?

Starman: (sighs) What do you want? Besides the complete and total obliteration of all joy from my life?

Overlord: I want you to review the new X-Treme X-Men book.

Starman: … like I said, what ELSE do you want?

Overlord: It is not THAT bad…

Starman: Has everyone else refused to read it but me?! Is there not one person on the staff who can be persuaded to start reading the core X-Men books on a regular basis but me?!?! Has the bar for quality really sunk that low?

Overlord: Umm… yes, yes and HELL YES.

Starman: Fine! You want to know what happens?

Overlord: Tell me.

Starman: It’s the same old stuff. Claremont Plot #032. Someone gets kidnapped, brainwashed and turned against their friends. While that is going on, everybody else figures out that the person was captured. They spend the rest of the issue arguing over what to do, come to blows, someone cools things down and a reasonable plan is suggested and exposition gets thrown about like a poltergeist in a china shop. Replace “someone” with character name and watch money come in.

Overlord: Isn’t that just a bit cynical and unfair?

Starman: Well, I’ll give Claremont credit in that this is one of the all too few occasions where a guy, Bishop in this case, is the one who gets their clothes ripped off as they are captured and tortured. Although it seems like every issue I’ve read of this has had some kind of suggestive BDSM artwork and master/slave control subtext that just makes me feel all icky.

Overlord: What about the art?

Starman: I really don’t care for it. Kordey is competent, and this issue is not nearly as cheesecake-driven as the last issue I read of this. Still, the style is a lot more cartoonish than feels appropriate to the series. I’d prefer someone with a little darker style.

Overlord: And overall?

Starman: Not as bad as “Storm: The Arena”, but on the whole I’d rather be reading “Dark Reign” over in JSA and Hawkman.

Overlord: Indeed?

Starman: Yeah. Now can I get back to my therapy?

Overlord: For another week, yes.

Starman: Good! Geez, I’m glad that they’re ending the book in a few months and you’ll never be able to make me read X-Treme X-Men again.

Overlord: This is true. You’ll just have to review the new X-Calibur title instead…

Starman: (long pause) I loathe you with the intensity of a thousand white hot blazing suns, you do know that?

Wanted #1 - A Review

Written by: Mark Millar
Penciled by: J.G. Jones
Inked by: J. G. Jones
Colored by: Paul Mounts
Lettered by: Robin Sephar, Dennis Heisler and Mark Roslan
Editor: Jim McLauchlin
Publisher: Top Cow Comics


*RING RING*

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Yeah?

Daron the Dark Overlord: Greetings minion!

Starman: Can this wait? I’m in the middle of fixing dinner…

Overlord: Nay, it cannot wait! Matters of great import await thee!

Starman: Will you can the “Thor” speak? You’re going to make my stromboli fall.

Overlord: Ah, but even the finest Italian good shall taste ill compared to the treat that is ready for you to sink your teeth into it…

Starman: Okay, this had better be about a comic review because otherwise, I’m going to have to ask for a credit card number…

Overlord: No! I want you to review the new Wanted book.

Starman: *long pause* I already reviewed it.

Overlord: What?

Starman: I got a preview copy at Wizard World. I reviews it in “Looking to the Stars” two weeks ago.

Overlord: Yes, but I want a proper review.

Starman: Proper review? Fine, it was REALLY mediocre.

Overlord: Look, I know you're still bitter about the Ultimates review last week and that Millar’s writing puts you on edge....

Starman: That wasn't me... that was Jesse Baker.

Overlord: Are you sure? It sounded like you.... blah blah blah... Millar sucks... blah blah blah.... who the hell is this man they call Hawkeye… blah blah blah… can’t stick to his own continuity…

Starman: I don’t care. I already wrote the review... I'm just going to link to the old one, okay?

Overlord: You can't do that!

Starman: Why not?

Overlord: Because it's lazy! It's hackish. You don't want people calling you a no talent hack who craps out reviews on a quota, do you?

Starman: People already say that.

Overlord: No they don't!

Starman: YOU say that!

Overlord: Yes, but its funny when I say it.

Starman: *long pause* Okay. I won’t link to it, but I will just reprint the text of the original review. Okay?

Overlord: Fine. And you will also review Ultimate X-Men #40 this week.

Starman: Fine! Long as I don’t have to do a retro review of that Youngblood book he just wrote. *shudders*



“Sex. Money. Super-Powers. Costume.”

(Now that we have your attention, please buy our book!)

The above quoted text does come directly from the cover of Wanted #1. Perhaps one of the most anticipated #1 titles of recent memories, this book boasts a dream team of Ultimates writer Mark Millar and Wonder Woman: The Hikketeia artist J. G. Jones.

The action centers on Wesley Gibson; a twenty-something Eminem look-alike, trapped in a dead-end job with a horrible “African-American” boss. (This fact is mentioned no less than three times and yet has no real barring on the story.) His girlfriend cheats on him constantly, his best friend is one of the cheatees and he has developed a case of hypochondria so severe his free time is entirely devoted towards researching whatever diseases he might be getting. All this changes after Wes is kidnapped by a gun-toting maniac, informed that the father who abandoned him is a super-villain and that he is now expected to fill the void that his recently assassinated daddy dearest has left.

There is much to admire in this book. Unfortunately, upon closer examination I find that everything admirable has been borrowed from something else. The general tone of the book, like much everything else Millar has written in the last year, is a faint attempt to recapture the magic of the final issues of The Authority with more curse-words and violence thrown in to replace the missing ingenuity and creative ideas. Wesley is, as a character, totally unsympathetic and in serious need of a kick in the ass to take some direction in his life instead of sitting around and moaning about it; a bit like Clerks, but without the humor. The appearance and modus operandi of Wes’s father “The Killer”, seems to have been lifted almost entirely from Alan Moore’s “Comedian”. And the whole idea of an organized super-villain syndicate working under the collective nose of society has been done to death and done better in Ed Brubaker’s “Sleeper” and Geoff Johns’ “The Flash”.

Thankfully, what this book lacks in originality and interest in the story department is almost made up for by the artist. Jones has a highly-detailed style, reminiscent of Bryan Hitch but much cleaner and less cluttered. I enjoyed his work on Grant Morrison’s Marvel Boy and his work here is easily the equal of all his past works I;ve seen.

Sadly, the best thing about this book besides some pretty pictures is the preview of a new superhero comedy book on the last few pages called “Common Grounds”, about the donut shop where some of the heroes and villains break between gigs. While this kind of thing is quickly becoming overdone (Formerly Known as the Justice League, Capes, Heroes Anonymous and PS238 come to mind off the top of my head), this book looks promisingly amusing and the art by Dan Jurgens is suitably cartoonish.

Wolverine: The End #1 - A Review

Written by: Paul Jenkins
Penciled by: Claudio Castellini
Inked by: Claudio Castellini
Colored by: Paul Mounts
Lettered by: ?
Editor: ?
Publisher: Marvel Comics

OPEN ON: Paul Jenkins’ Studio.

(Paul Jenkins sits before his computer, trying to think of an idea.)

Paul Jenkins: Okay. The Last Wolverine story ever… what can I do that hasn’t been done yet?

(He ponders this. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers.)

Paul Jenkins: I know! I’ll have Wolverine fight a bunch of ninjas and… no, no that’s been done….

(He ponders further. Again, he snaps his fingers.)

Paul Jenkins: Everyone will be expecting a great, high action epic so I’ll do the exact opposite of what everyone expects! Everyone will expect a battle with Sabertooth, so I’ll kill him off in the first chapter! And I’ll do something to completely change Sabertooth’s personality before he dies so I can REALLY mess with everyone’s heads… make him a “born-again” Christian or something!

(He laughs at this, scratching his chin thoughtfully.)

Paul Jenkins: But that won’t be enough…No… I’ll have to change Wolverine himself. Everybody has always respected him as this great warrior and being tough as nails, if a bit of a hothead and really insensitive. So I’ll give him Alzheimers, make him a little confused and have him start talking to himself non-stop…

(There is a knock at the door.)

Paul Jenkins: Oooh! I’ll bet that’s my hot wings! Can’t do my writing without my hot wings!

(He moves to the door. Upon opening it, he sees an angry mob on his doorstep.)

Angry Mob: (chanting) Hey-Hey, Ho-Ho, Crappy Writing, It Should Go!

Paul Jenkins: What? Oh for the love of Pete…

(The leader of the Mob pushes his way to the front.)

Leader: Yes, my brothers and sisters! Let your voices be heard! Let this foul despoiler of our greatest icon know that we will not tolerate his blasphemous writings!

Angry Mob: Yeah!

Paul Jenkins: I haven’t even started writing the story yet!

Leader: It matters not! Knowing that we have stopped the writing, even though the filming may be complete… that is enough!

Paul Jenkins: Wait a second! Filming? I’m writing a comic book!

Leader: (looking befuddled) Comic book? Aren’t you the guy who wrote the script for the movie where Ronald Reagan is portrayed as a decrepit, insensitive, blood-thirsty old man driven made by disease?

Paul Jenkins: No…. I’m the guy writing the script for a comic book where Wolverine is a decrepit, insensitive, blood-thirsty old man drive mad by disease.

Leader: Oh. (uncomfortable pause). Look, we’ve come all this way… so would you mind terribly if we just stood around on your lawn and chanted for a few hours? Just for the practice, you understand….

Paul Jenkins: Let the delivery boy and his precious platter of wings through unmolested and you have a deal.

(He closes the door and heads back to his studio.)

Paul Jenkins: Man, what a weird day. Oh well…. Back to work. Now, to think of a few references to “Origin” I can sneak in, partly as a “full-circle” closing of the beginning and end of Logan’s life but mostly so the readers who spot them will feel all clever…


CUT TO: The Office of “Starman” Matt Morrison

*RING RING*

Starman: Hello.

Daron, The Dark Overlord: Minion! What matter of madness is this review you work on? It doesn’t make any sense.

Starman: I dunno. I though the Reagan protestors thing was rather clever and topical. And since it looks like Logan is having some memory and reality perception problems in the book…

Daron: Yes, but even for you this review is dangerously random.

Starman: Well, I’ve been experimenting with the Grant Morrison style of writing.

Daron: Ah, so you are focusing upon absurdism mixed with non-linear time?

Starman: No, I’ve been focusing on Red Bull mixed with non-sleeping!

Daron: Are you sure you’re all-right?

Starman: Oh yeah. Just need to stop these gazebos from thudding in the dew pond!

X-Treme X-Men #32 - A Review

Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Rus Wooton
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics


Somewhere in Texas, during mid-term week…

*RING RING*

Starman: (tired, but angry) WHAT?!

Daron: Minion, you dare to address your Overlord in such an impudent-

Starman: Oh, it’s you. Listen…this isn’t a great time…

Daron: I know. That is why I called. We have noticed a direct correlation between your enjoyment of a comic and our hits on the website.

Starman: And that is?

Daron: The more you insult a book and its creator, the more hits we get!

Starman: Uh-huh… big news flash.

Daron: Seriously! It is like your spewing of bile attracts readers.

Starman: You sure it isn’t because every time I read a bad comic, my mind rebels against it and creates sarcastic commentary as a defense mechanism in a worst case scenario and people find that amusing?

Daron: No, I’m sure people just like reading you rant about stuff you don’t like and throw insults at it. That is why, because I know you hate it so much, I am going to have you read the new New X-Men.

Starman: But I like New X-Men!

Daron: Ah, beg all you want to but- WHAT?!

Starman: I like new X-Men. Grant Morrison is one of my favorite writers.

Daron: … really?

Starman: Yeah. I think he’s been doing good stuff with the title. Really pushing the X-Men in new directions instead of repeating the SOS every month.

Daron: Blast! Very well… you shall review the new Uncanny X-Men!

Starman: But there’s not a new one this week…

Daron: Damnation! Then you shall read the new X-Treme X-Men.

Starman: Already done.

Daron: Yes, quail in- you did?!

Starman: Yeah. It wasn’t bad.

Daron: It wasn’t?!?!

Starman: Well, it wasn’t that great… but most of my problems with it came from the fact that the whole thing was kinda anti-climactic…

Daron: How do you mean?

Starman: Well, it’s like you walk in on the middle of a action movie without knowing what is going on. There isn’t any effort made to introduce you to what is going on. I mean, practically all the other Marvel Comics fill you in, if not through a one page summary than through a quick summary at the start.

Daron: Yes, but this is X-Men; and X-Fans are notorious for keeping up on their titles and not needing such summaries.

Starman: Yeah, but it’s a pain for those of us who are just getting into things and haven’t been keeping up on twenty-years of Claremont’s character history. And then there’s the big deal about the return of Rogue and Gambit…

Daron: What about it?

Starman: Well, nothing is happening with it! I mean, Gambit is getting some action trying to break into the Bush family ranch with Storm and finding out how Dubya is apparently planning to bring the Sentinels back on-line or do something else decidedly anti-mutant….doing the master thief/superspy thing… but all we see of Rogue is that she got a tattoo, is working as a mechanic and her trying to talk sense into an anti-mutant terrorist named Marie.

Daron: I thought Rogue’s real name was Marie?

Starman: So did I! But apparently she’s going by Anna now.

Daron: Wait a second….Anna? As in-

Starman: Yeah, I read the issue before and she has a “The Piano” poster in her apartment.

Daron: That’s a bit cheesy.

Starman: You think that’s bad, Storm disguises herself as Halle Berry.

Daron: So what’s with this other Marie?

Starman: Same old story… her family got hurt by mutants and yet another anti-mutant terrorist group recruited her. Only interesting part is that apparently some mutant group is trying to segregate themselves away from humans and prompted her going as far over the edge as she did… but its not really that interesting. I mean, they make such a big deal about bringing back one of the favorite couples of mutant-kind and they are barely a part of the story. And the coolest image in the whole book and it is barely examined, but we spend way too long looking at the rise of yet another anti-mutant terrorist group.

Daron: What scene is this?

Starman: Storm makes a tornado and tries to kill the President.

Daron: (writing this down in his journal of world domination ideas) Really? That is most… unheroic.

Starman: Yeah, but… it wasn’t really her. Or she was just trying to scare all the world leader’s straight on trying to kill mutants… or something- which is weird considering that Storm and Gambit are using the same unethical means being used by the mutants who threatened Marie and her family after the attack if that’s the case.

Daron: To the X-Treme, in other words… is the art any good?

Starman: Okay, I guess. A lot of Igor Kordey’s female characters have similar faces. It took me a second, even with the eyepatch and hair-streaks to tell Rogue and “Marie” apart, since I thought Marie WAS Rogue at the start of this issue. But the scene with the attack on Crawford is VERY well illustrated.

Daron: Very well. I think that will suffice for the review. Your words shall be recorded upon the honor roll.

Starman: You mean the website?

Daron: Indeed. Anything further to report?

Starman: Only that I got mail from some crank saying I should knock off the comedic reviews and just report the facts directly rather than subjecting the public to more bad satires and fictional conversations with the editorial staff.

Daron: And do you think this rather lackluster and humorless review has proven the point that you should stick to your comedic works?

Starman: Uh… Overlord, this WAS one of the funny ones. I wasn’t trying to be serious to prove a point this time…

Daron: (long silence) Why on earth are we paying you 0 million dollars, again?

Looking To The Stars - Version 2.0

*fade in upon Sir Matthius Mauriceson sitting in a leather chair by a fireplace in a library, holding a brandy glass*

Sir Matt: Good morning. Or evening. Or afternoon as the case may be as you read this. Welcome to Looking To The Stars; a sophisticated journal dedicated to serious discussion of the whole of comicdom, current events and the synchronic harmonies between the two. Last week, we discussed the political ramifications of JLA #83. Of course the issue of political commentary and its’ place within the comic book is a wide and far-reaching subject with a long history; a history that must be examined in great detail in order to consider the context of a single book. That is why this week, on Looking To The Stars, I think it only fitting that we examine this history of the comic book as a political tool in the history of Western Civilization. It began in the days of the Protestant Reformation where Martin Luther used comic books to mock the corrupt officials of the Catholic Church. Consider his classic text, Der Gruin Kase-

*Suddenly, the wall behind Sir Matt collapses as a small bulldozer starts to plow away the small, dignified set. Behind it, comes Daron the Dark Overlord in black overalls*

Sir Matt: What is the meaning of this?!?!

Daron, The Dark Over Lord: *looking up from blueprints* Oh, hey Matt!

Sir Matt: Yes- Mr. Editor. What can I do for you?

Daron: Didn’t you get the memo? Today is the first day of The New Season!

Sir Matt: Yes. Well, I was told that wouldn’t pertain to me. I mean, I’m still coming on the same day…

Daron: Oh, you’re still in the same place on the schedule, sweetie baby! We wouldn’t dream of changing that. Why over 63% of our key demographics say that you lighten up their Monday mornings!

Sir Matt: What?! Really?

Daron: Yeah… but we’re going to still have to make a few changes to justify calling this a new season if we’re going to keep you around.

Sir Matt: What? But you just said I was popular!

Daron: Yes, but you’re not quite popular enough. And we need you to take a pay cut.

Sir Matt: But I’m not paid now!

Daron: Ah. Well, they you’ll have to start paying to write for us.

Sir Matt: What?!

Daron: Yes. Some of the other writers, who don’t have as big an audience as you do, are threatening to leave unless we start paying all of them more per week. Pulling the same act as that guy on “Everybody Loves Raymond”… why I let them have TV Guide in the writers lounge, I’ll never-

Sir Matt: But what about my set?!

Daron: *looks behind him* Oh! We’re destroying it.

Sir Matt: Why?

Daron: Look, I’d love to tell you but I’ve got a million things to do. Got to have the new hot tub installed in the editor’s lounge before noon. So I’ll leave it to Jodi in marketing to explain all the changes.

Sir Matt: Jodi…

*in bounces perky woman in a business suit. She looks not unlike Reese Witherspoon*

Jodi: You called?

Sir Matt: Uh-not really..

Jodi: Sir Matt…Starman… Stars, if I may? The reason we’re demolishing your library set is because we’re… concerned about the intellectual content of your writing.

Sir Matt: Indeed?

Jodi: Riiiiiiight. See, our research shows that while most of our audience likes it when you do crazy ramblings and satire, many of them are… let me read a few lines here… “confused and frightened”, “feel stupid” or “bored” when you write about comic book history.

Sir Matt: But I provide a vital service to the community! I inform people about stories they might have missed out on! Why, the Typhoid Mary article alone garnered responses from many people who had never HEARD of-

Jodi: Yes, and I applaud you for that. But it just doesn’t read well. So we’re just going to make a few changes. The set for example. When you talk comic history, this is how you picture yourself. Suave, David-Nivenish and sitting in some kind of study like you’re hosting Masterpiece Theater.

Sir Matt: Well… yes?

Jodi: We’ve got something new in mind. With a new wardrobe…

*Through the magic of editing, we are suddenly standing on the deck of a beach house. Sir Matt is now wearing khaki shorts and a loud Hawaiian shirt*

Sir Matt: Good lord!

Jodi: Welcome to the 411 Comics Beachhouse! Here, you can cut loose and chill and party while at the same time telling our key demographic about the way kewl comics that are coming out, as they watch all the hot studs and honeys shake their bodies to the hottest new industrial music. How does that sound?

Sir Matt: I feel like Peter Parker in Peter Parker: Spider-Man #42.

Jodi: Which brings up our next point. Issue quoting. Stop it.

Sir Matt: Stop quoting issues?

Jodi: Right. It makes people uncomfortable to hear references to things they don’t understand.

Sir Matt: But Jodi… I was hired for this magazine to share my vast knowledge of comic history and the thematic and dramatic elements of it-

Jodi: And you still can! Just tell them things they already know, but make it sound like they don’t know it!

Sir Matt: (confused) But if they don’t like to feel like they don’t-

Jodi: Skip it. Now we need you to read this. *hands him a sheet*

Sir Matt: “Next Up on 411: Daredevil- Briefs or Boxers?” And what’s this before that about a Mrs. Edna Fogerty celebrating her 100th birthday by bungee jumping?

Jodi: Oh! Our latest study shows that people like to read about local events.

Sir Matt: But we are a world-wide publication!

Jodi: So? There’s bound to be a few old women named Edna Fogerty turning 100 today? Statistics show that.

Sir Matt: *long pause* You’re insane, aren’t you?

Jodi: Not according to the latest studies. Now be quite- we have to show the trailer!

Sir Matt: Trailer? What trai-

"Every generation has a legend."

"Every journey has a first step."

"Every magazine has a smart ass writer.”

Narrator: In the year 2003, producer/director Ben Morse created 411 Comics

and changed the way we looked at hastily-assembled Internet fanzines.

Now, eight months later, using new spellchecking technology, Morse and his

creative teams at Morsefilms, DHX, Streetwalker Sound and Agricultural

Might and Logic have complete restored, enhanced and added onto this classic

Website to bring you 411 Comics: Version 2.0".

For the first series, Morse redid his classic column, Sir Matthius Mauriceson’s “Looking To The Stars” with new computer graphics and new scenes cut from the original release. Action-packed scenes like this…

*Daron the Dark Overlord, in his classic black armor appears, moving in on a wounded Sir Matt*

Daron: Old Ben Morse never told you the truth about your editor…

Sir Matt: He told me enough! He told me that you killed him!

Daron: No… I AM your editor!

Sir Matt: No! No, that’s not true! That’s impossible!

Daron: Search your e-mail! You know it to be true!

Sir Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jodi: So what do you think?

Sir Matt: Was that Ben Stiller playing me?

Jodi: Is that a problem?

Sir Matt: I always thought I was more of a Jason Lee role.

Jodi: Well, Stiller was cheaper. Oh and one more change… the “whiny loser like you” thing wins over the comic readers, but it’s a turn off to the teenage girl market we’re trying to attract.

Sir Matt: I am NOT whiny. And I must protest-

Jodi: Anyway, in order to improve your image, you and Jessica Simpson are going to start dating.

Sir Matt: Absolutely no- Jessica Simpson? Not Lisa or Marge?

Jodi: No. The singer. Not a cartoon.

Sir Matt: On the other hand, perhaps we can give this a shot…

Jodi: Super! Now all we need is to announce the contest.

Sir Matt: Contest?

That’s right kids! Want to win a really keen prize? Well, we don’t have one. But we can help you escape from a gruesome punishment! Yes, that’s right it’s the “Name That Obscure Reference” Contest. To win, e-mail Sir Matt with the meaning of the reference in this week’s Teaser Title. The first lucky winner will be the only person on Earth NOT to receive the dreaded nude pictures of Bea Arthur that are part of the computer virus that Daron The Dark Overlord will be releasing on Sunday, September 7^th as part of the closing festivities of the first week of 411 Comics 2^nd Season!

Tune in next week. Same Matt Time. Same Matt Website.

With a real column next time! Promise!

Trouble #2 - A Review

SEVERAL MONTHS AGO…

*RING RING*

Mark Millar: (dragging himself to the desk in a drunken stupor) ‘Ello?

Bill Jemas: Mark! Wazzup!

Mark Millar: Sweet Jesus!

Bill Jemas: No, Jemas. El Presidente Grande?

Mark Millar: Strewth, man. I ken it was ye. Wat’s shaking?

Bill Jemas: Oh, just working on a plan for improving the company. I’m going to fire Mark Waid off Fantastic Four.

Mark Millar: Wot? That’s bloody madness, man. Did I hear ye right? I’m a wee bit knackered at the moment.

Bill Jemas: No, you heard me right. It’s all part of my brilliant plan…

Mark Millar: Wot plans dat den?

Bill Jemas: My plan to have all our regular monthly titles being written by a team of six men by the end of the year. Going to call ourselves the Ultimate Six. I’ve already got Austen taking over most of the line. Between you, him, Bendis, Stracyzinski and me we’ll have half the books by September.

Mark Millar: Whoz the sixth man going to be?

Bill Jemas: Chris Claremont and Peter David will have a Jamacian stick fight for the title at Wizard World Texas.

Mark Millar: Good idea, my lord!

Bill Jemas: Course it’s a good idea! But that’s not the point. I wanted to talk to you about a problem we have. See, for too long the superhero has dominated the comic business. I want Marvel to revive some of the dead classic genres while twisting them for the new millennium. Now, we’ve made some progress reviving the Western with the “gay cowboys eating pudding” epic that was Rawhide Kid. I thought that Marvel should bring back the romance comic next. And I thought to myself, who is the first person to come to mind when I think of brilliant, realistic romantic language yet hip and cutting edge and popular?

Mark Millar: Aww, yer too kind, Bill-

Bill Jemas: Actually, I thought of Kevin Smith. But since he said I’d be… how did he put it…“f***ing retarded” to give him a monthly title when he can’t get a mini-series done in under a year and since I can’t pay him enough to make him forget about making movies, you’re going have to do it.

Mark Millar: What? Are ye bloody mad? I’m no romantic! I write dysfunctional lunatics! Power-mad fascists! End-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-and-I-feel-like-crap epics!

Bill Jemas: Where did you get all your ideas anyway?

Mark Millar: Spend 20 years living under a Tory government and try NOT to get ideas like this!

Bill Jemas: Huh?

Mark Millar: Skip it… I’m not well. I feel like an American is trying to write my British slang… like bloody Hellblazer for the last three years.

Bill Jemas: But Mark… aren’t you Irish?

Mark Millar: … Yes! Yes, I am.

Bill Jemas: So? All you Irishmen are supposed to be great romantic poets. Look inside yourself and find a great American romantic story. For God’s Sake, man… do you want to be the poor man’s Grant Morrison for the rest of your life?

Mark Millar: But I’m not-

Bill Jemas: Listen, I’ve got to go. Ron Zimmerman wants to talk to me about his idea about bringing back Devil Dinosaur, but making him bright pink and hinting that he’s gay. Get the pitch to me by tomorrow.

*CLICK*

Mark Millar: Right. Don’t panic, old boy. You can think of something good. Something brilliant. Something ingenious.

(An Hour and Three Guinness Later)

Mark Millar: Alright! Screw it! I’ll just base it off Spider-Man, deny that I based it off Spider-Man to the media and take the plots from a thousand teen movies and a Flintstone’s episode.


SEVERAL MONTHS LATER, IN A COMIC BOOK.

Richard: I’m a popular, good looking average American promiscuous teenage male. If this were a movie in the 80’s, I’d be played by Tom Cruise.

Ben: I’m Richard’s older brother. I’m a nice, responsible, straight-forward, conservative guy, but I feel like Esau to Richard’s Jacob.

Mary: I’m the shy, quiet blonde one destined to forever be called “Virgin Mary”.

May: I’m the wild and crazy redhead party animal. I’m always doing impulsive things.

(May rips off her clothes and jumps in a lake)

May: See?!

MEANWHILE, IN A COMIC SHOP

Fanboy #1: Dude, I am so loving that May chick.

Fanboy #2: Yeah… she’s hot. Except… oh, dude…

Fanboy #1: What is it, dude?

Fanboy #2: Ewww.. don’t you get it, dude?

Fanboy #1: What? Oh yeah… dude, how could I have missed it?

Fanboy: #2: Yeah… dude, that’s Aunt May you’re ogling.

Fanboy #1: What? Dude, I thought you meant how May is like Mary Jane and Mary is like Gwen from the old Stan Lee books.

Fanboy #2: No way dude. This is totally original! But that trashy redhead is Aunt May!

Fanboy #1: No way!

Fanboy #2: Way!


MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE COMIC…

Resort Head: I’ll make sure there’s no way any of you can have sex!

Richard: Well, I’m going to make sure that I DO get to have sex.

May: Me too!

The obvious couples are mismatched. May winds up with the conservative Ben because she likes his honesty. Richard winds up with the virginal Mary and finds he likes talking to her more than having mindless sex. Ben runs out of condoms. May has some.

May: Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot!


MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE COMIC SHOP…

Fanboy #1: Ah-hah! See? She is a rip-off of Mary Jane!

Fanboy #2: So you admit that is Aunt May and this is all one big in-joke for the Spider-fans?

Fanboy #1: Ewww. No way, dude! That May is HOT!

Fanboy #2: But it is still Aunt May!

Fanboy #1: No it isn’t! It can’t be. Everyone knows that Aunt May is a natural blond and that Peter’s mother Mary is a redhead!

Fanboy #2: That’s only in the ULTIMATE Universe, you dolt! In the 616 Marvel Universe, Aunt May was SO a redhead. It was shown in Spider-Man Annual-

Fanboy #1: No it wasn’t!

Fabboy #2: Yes it was!

Clerk: Will you two shut up and do something useful? Like researching all the historical inaccuracies in 1602?

Fanboy #1: And insult The Master Neil Gaiman?

Fanboy #2: Blasphemer!

(The Clerk is jumped and beaten in a scene we cannot describe due to local standards)


MEANWHILE, IN THE DEPTHS OF CYBERSPACE…

Jesse Baker: Darrrron! Starman ripped off my style of reviewing!

Daron, The Dark Overlord: Silence! This parody amuses me, greatly.

Matt Morrison: Wow. I wonder if Marvel will sue us over this? Then maybe I’ll get as many readers as that Al Franken guy!


This is a critique/parody published by 411mania.com, and is not intended maliciously. 411mania.com has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). 411mania.com makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceding information.

X-Men Unlimited #50 - A Review

Written by: Kazuo Koike and Kenjo Kaji
Penciled by: Paul Smith
Inked by: Paul Smith
Colored by: Brad Anderson
Lettered by: Randy Gentle
Editor: C.B. Cebalski
Publisher: Marvel Comics

Once again, somewhere in Texas…

*sound of a log-in to AIM chime*

DARKLORD69: Hello, Matt.

DBowiefan34: Oh hey… sorry for the lag. The workload for this summer class is kicking my-

DARKLORD69: I need you to do something special this week. X-Men Unlimited #50.

DBowiefan34: What? But you know how overworked I am! Ignoring the classwork I’m behind on, half the staff at my shop has taken the week off for GenCon. I’m the only experienced salesman left until Saturday!

DARKLORD69: You’re the only one who can do this, Matt. I need one of your funny intros for this one.

DBowiefan34: What? You mean, the ones where you call me, do the Darth Vader act and I produce more whine than the French countryside?

DARKLORD69: Yeah.

DBowiefan34: I dunno. I’m not sure those are going over that well. I mean, nobody ever writes me to say those are funny.

DARKLORD69: I think they’re amusing.

DBowiefan34: Yeah, but it’s not real. I mean, we’ve never talked on the phone! We just chat through AIM and e-mail. That’s it.

DARKLORD69: But it’s that whole comedy ethos thing! We’re tapping into an archtype as old as.. well, Peter Parker and J. Jonah Jameson. Perry White and Jimmy Olsen. Me the petty editor tyrant. You the long suffering everyman!

(Two minutes idle)

DBowiefan34: You’re still upset about Doom getting killed aren’t you?

(Two minutes idle)

DARKLORD69: *sobs* Yes… yes, I am!

DBowiefan34: And it would make you feel better if I did the “cowering in fear of the evil overlord” act for you?

DARKLORD69: *sobs* If you don’t mind?

DBowiefan34: *sighs* Couldn’t you just get your girlfriend to dress up like Jean Grey or something? Wouldn’t that cheer you up more?

DARKLORD69: *sobs* She won’t wear the wig….

DBowiefan34: Okay… fine. But I want to try something different. More truthful of how our working relationship is.

DARKLORD69: Will it still be amusing?

DBowiefan34: Oh, I have an idea that has me laughing already…

(Several hours, one trip to the comic store and one call investigating the cost of sending an escort in a Jean Grey costume to St. Louis…)


Okay. Now I know that Wolverine has some background in Japan and that some writers have made great play of his past, his roninesque code of honor and the rich and beautiful history that encompass all of the Japanese culture and the warrior tradition. Sadly, most writers have ignored this and crapped out a lot of stories with Wolverine cutting up ninjas.

For those of you who actually enjoy this kind of story, I can highly recommend this issue for you. For those of you who, like me, stopped thinking having ninjas just for the sake of having ninjas was cool about the time you discovered how wonderful girls are… I recommend rereading Birds of Prey, Outsiders, Teen Titans, Futurama, Lucifer… or indeed, anything else that came out this week.

The plot is generic and could feature any martial arts hero; not just Wolverine. Logan is walking through a village. Why? No reason.

He sees a woman get attacked my several henchman and does nothing. She kicks butt and is approached by the grand bad guy. Now Logan steps in, saves her and finds out that the bad guy is after the woman’s sword, which is a “Magical Artifact of Great Power” TM. Wolverine winds up using the sword, finds out that it traps the souls of those it slays and could be very bad in the hands of someone evil.

The bad guy shows up, Logan fights… bad guy is absorbed by the sword since he is too weak to confront his own demons (which Logan is quite adept at) and the story ends with Logan destroying the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom… er, destroys the magic sword in the fires of an iron foundry.

The artwork, simply put, is horrid…even for an anthology book with a rotating creative team like X-Men Unlimited. The pencils look unfinished at points and the inks are sloppy. Still, for a story so heavily influenced by the chop-saki world of Kung Fu movies and Manga comics, it is a pleasant surprise that they used an artist with a more Western artistic style (as I assume Paul Smith is a Western name).

I openly admit to being a bit overly harsh, but I am not the intended audience for this book. I’ve never heard of the writers involved or the artist, but what I’ve seen here makes me ill-inclined to seek out any more of their work. I’m not a fan of anthology books on the whole. And the last thing this world needs right now is more ADWS. (Another Damned Wolverine Story!) Thankfully, this is the last issue of the series and it is no big loss to the world.

Death: At Death's Door TPB - A Review

Written by: Jill Thompson
Penciled by: Jill Thompson
Inked by: Jill Thompson
Colored by: N/A
Lettered by: Jill Thompson
Editor: N/A
Publisher: Vertigo Comics

Somewhere in Texas, in a loft apartment, several days before Summer Midterms…

*RING RING*

Starman: (tiredly) Hello?

Daron: Greetings, Minion!

Starman: *sighs* Greetings, Dark Overlord…

Daron: What is wrong, Minion #38601? You seem displeased. Surely you are not irritated by the personal attentions of your editor?

Starman: Huh? Oh, no, no, no. Just that… well, I have midterms and term papers due this week, my acting troupe is having more problems with our theater and the upper management at the comic store I work at seem to have forgotten that we are not in the business of selling whatever crap the Japanese have convinced our children is cool this week.

Daron: Ah yes. This emphasis upon all things Japanese is certainly a weighty concerns for all of us.

Starman: No kidding! I mean, take most of this Manga. The plotting is barely coherent at the best of times, the art lacks even the basest understanding of proper human anatomy and intricate characterization is sacrificed for pointless sex and mindless violence.

Daron: Indeed. That is why I have such a book for you to review this week…

Starman: (gasps) Oh no! No way in HELL am I touching X-Men: Phoenix, Part Two!

Daron: Minion…

Starman: I mean, what is holding that costume on anyway? Dental floss? And did they make metal breastplates with strategic dents hammered into them or is she somehow denting the metal with her…

Daron: Minion…

Starman: And the book doesn’t even have anything to do with X-Men! Or Phoenix. Or anything but gratuitous cheesecake poses and tentacle-rape scenes….

Daron: MINION! Cease thy ranting for the moment. I did not wish for you to review THAT book. No. It was my intent that you were to peruse the new book “At Death’s Door”.

Starman: (long pause) The one based on Neil Gaiman’s “The Sandman”?

Daron: Yes.

Starman: The one with everything done by Jill Thompson, who has done more to shape the Endless than anyone but Neil Gaiman himself?

Daron: That is correct.

Starman: (longer pause) Okay. I’m not expecting much, but at least it won’t be tentacle softcore…. I hope.

*CLICK*

(One trip to the comic store and a 400 word essay on the ethics of modern librarians later)

There are few things I would rather do than read a new book set in the world of Neil Gaiman’s Endless. There are few things I would rather not do than read any Manga comic. It has been my experience that, as stated above, the vast majority of Manga is either mindless violent crap geared towards young boys or mindlessly violent crap with lots of big eyes, small mouths and girls in sailor uniforms geared toward dirty old men of all ages.

I’m sure there are a few Manga comics that this doesn’t describe but I am speaking only of my experience with the genre, general as it is. And I am sure that I am going to get “Endless” letters (ha!) from those of you who do like Manga-driven stories and artwork and that I will likely get slaughtered by some overweight girl in a pleated skirt who will hunt me down, do her Sailor Moon impression and “punish me” for my wickedness.

That said, let me say next… that I LOVED this book!

The plot of “Death’s Door” is a series of lost scenes from the original “Seasons of Mist” story, giving this whole comic the feel of the written equivalent of a director’s cut edition of a movie. Death popped in and out of “Seasons” three times and this story tells us what she was doing between her appearances in the original Gaiman story.

Previous experience with “The Sandman” is unneeded, but does add another level to the story as we get to see certain key moments of “Seasons” acted out in a different art-style. For example, Desire sprouts cat-ears as he/she becomes catty and insulting towards Dream. Speaking of which, I must marvel at Thompson’s ability to alter her usual style (which I love) into something more Mangaesque. Most artists are unable to perform such a trick and Thompson does it perfectly.

And artwork aside, this comic does blend seamlessly with Gaiman’s original vision of the series, with some of the original dry humor that made him famous. Consider for example, Desire’s rattling off a list of people, “who don’t enjoy a good party” after Delirium states that there’s nobody who doesn’t enjoy a good party. This takes the edge off some of the more slapstick humor, such as Delirium’s supersonic hyperactive movements, which may grate on the nerves of more traditional Sandman enthusiasts. There are even moments when the elements of both comics are mixed perfectly, such as a subplot involving a certain dead writer who falls in love with the dumpy and depressed Despair.

The independent comic snob in me is pleased by what he sees in this little volume. “At Death’s Door” is a worthy edition to the Sandman mythos, so all of my fellow indie comic snobs should take a look at this… even if it is a *twitch… twitch* .. Manga.

And for you Manga fans out there, this book is an excellent introduction to the world of Neil Gaiman’s “The Sandman”. The book even has an appearance list for the character of Death in the back, as well as a reading list of all “The Sandman” Trade Paperbacks. And, all Gaiman fans should take note, a summary of the stories to be told in the upcoming “Endless Nights” book is also in the back.

X-Treme X-Men #27 -A Review

Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Tom Orzechowski
Editor: Mike Raicht
Publisher: Marvel Comics

Somewhere in Texas, in a loft apartment several days after a series of drunken parties…

*RING RING*

Starman: (tiredly) Hello?

Daron: Greetings, Minion!

Starman: Huh? Oh yeah… it’s you.

Daron: It’s you? Fool, dare you speak to your Dark Overlord in such a-

Starman: Can it, Daron. It’s too early in the day and I am too hungover to deal with your Doctor Doom act today. God, those con parties are amazing. Two days later and I still feel like the inside of a porta-potty at Ozzfest.

Daron: (mock concern) Aww.. is da pwecious Starman not fee-wing well? Well, tough beefsteak, pal! You know, I WAS going to let you review the new Birds of Prey Secret Files… but since your spirit hasn’t been completely crushed yet, I see that I will have to be much harsher…

Starman: (sobriety suddenly coming along with panicked comprehension) Oh, gods! You don’t mean-

Daron: Yes! You.. YOU will review the new X-Treme X-Men issue!

Starman: B-B-B-.. but I don’t read X-Treme!

Daron: You told me you were trying to read more X-Men.

Starman: Yes, but I meant the GOOD X-Men books. The ones where things are actually happening! Not the one where Chris Claremont is rehashing the same old ideas and characters he’s been using for the last 20 years, but with less coherence!

Daron: Do you wish to review the new X-Men Unlimited next week as well Or perhaps Ultimate Adventures #4?

Starman: * sighs * No. No, I don’t Lord.

Daron: Good to see you remembered the title this time. Do not fail me, Admiral Morrison.

*CLICK*

(Several hours, one trip to the comic store and a sturdying drink of Jack Daniels later)

Right. X-Treme X-Men. Part Three of God Love, Man Kills II. Yes, I think the numbering system is a bit confusing myself. Apparently this is Chris Claremont writing a sequel to the story that allegedly was the basis for X2: X-Men United.

A lot of stuff happens in this issue, but damned if half of it means anything to me or makes much sense. Apparently Kitty Pryde has been kidnapped by Stryker, who is messing around with her head for some reason and making her hallucinate. Why? I haven’t a clue.

The rest of the team (in this case Wolverine, Cannonball, Sage and Bishop) have to fight a crazed Storm, whose powers went crazy after some incident involving Kitty’s phasing powers causing massive upheaval on the balance of nature when she phases herself and adamantium. Why this never happened before any of the times she had to save Wolverine by phasing them through something, I have no idea.

Maybe you have to have read “God Loves, Man Kills” to get this one but coming into part three of this story, I was lost. And unlike many Marvel comics today, this one has no helpful “previously on” page to explain what has happened so far.

The artwork by Igor Kordey is, for the most part, competently done. Aside from a few points towards the end, where it appears uncertain if Kitty is wearing white tights or fishnets, there is nothing that stands out as glaringly out of place. There is also, however, nothing that stands out as particularly excellent.

All in all, this book is the perfect example of why I don’t make a habit of reading X-Men; confusing plots mixed with nonsensical pseudoscience that flies in the face of what I do know of the book and an apparently required knowledge of over twenty years of backstory.

Kingpin #1 - A Review

Written by: Bruce Jones
Penciled by: Sean Phillips
Inked by: Klaus Janson
Colored by: Lee Loughridge
Lettered by: Cory Petit
Editor: Alex Alonso
Publisher: Marvel Comics

Wazup, peeps? Starman, chillin’ like a villain here. Ready to represent the 411 boyz and give you the beat from the street on a whole new story. It’s a super-fly tale of a brother from the old school of gangsta. Its all about his struggle to….

* RING RING *

Starman : (answering phone) Wazzzzup?

Daron: Uh, Matt? This is Daron.

Starman: “Yo-yo! Wazup my Dark Overlord brother?”

Daron: I’m not your brother. I’m sure my mother would have told me. Why the hell are you talking like that? Did one of those Scott Kurtz fans hit you in the head with a brick again?

Starman: Nah, G-dog. I’m talking streetspeak ‘cause of this new book. It’s all about life on the mean streets of the city and a badass white boy trying to make his way in the world in a tough black neighborhood. It’s about how he fights past all these obstacles and rivals and how he rises to power and wealth.

Daron: Matt, if you wanted to review “8-Mile”, you should have submitted that to the Movies editor….

Starman: Don’t talk crazy, fool! Like I’d waste my words on that jive-sucka honky Eminem! Only “M N M” going anywhere near me melts in my mouth and not in my hand.

Daron: Matt. I am going to tell you this once. You cannot speak Urban slang. You started out okay, but now you’re mixing Luke Cage with Mr. T and… it’s just not funny anymore. So knock it off or I’ll cut your pay in half.

Starman: I don’t get paid anything.

Daron: Allright, then. I’ll assign you to be the sole writer of a new “Image Comics” review column… just think of it, Matt. Every Spawn spin-off…. Every Top Cow title that ignores story in favor of bootylicious artwork…. Waiting in anticipation for the all too rare Rising Stars issues that are actually worth reading…

Starman: * sighs * Thy will be done, Dark One.

Daron: Excellent!

* CLICK *

Right. Anyway, Kingpin is about “The Kingpin”. Wilson Fisk. The Kingpin of Crime. Long time pain in the butt of Daredevil and Spider-Man. Of course this title is geared towards those of us who know and love “Big Willie” (as he is called in this issue) from his time as a villain in those titles. Rest assured though that previous experience with the character or the heroes he has fought is not essential… though we are treated to a quick cameo of everyone’s favorite wall-crawler.

This is, first and foremost, an origin story; a look into the past with Wilson Fisk starting as a minor gang-leader who is working his way up to become the head of all the organized crime in the city. We see “Willie” as he manipulates various other players into an organized team under his command, like the pieces on a chessboard. Indeed, we see him playing chess while planning with is lieutenants. While this kind of story is nothing new (and indeed, is reminiscent of such movies as “The Usual Suspects” and “The Godfather”), Bruce Jones makes it seem like new with sparkling dialogue and the dark sense of humor that Wilson Fisk is famous for.

The art by Phillips and Janson is, in a word, perfect. Phillips has gained fame recently for doing another quirky “true crime” comic: Sleeper. And his disjointed, but not completely disproportionate style, is a good fit for the larger-than-life but still very real character of the Kingpin. It reminds me a bit of Sam Keith without the surrealism or Phil Hester with more detail. Janson is perhaps best known as the preferred inker of Frank Miller on most of his Daredevil projects and he adds a depth of shadow to things that is a perfect match for the partly-hidden yet still open and unavoidable nature of the title character.

When this book was originally solicited, it was to be a limited series. Since then, Marvel Editorial has been impressed enough with what they have seen that Kingpin has been made into a regular monthly book. Time will judge the wisdom of this decision, but one thing is certain: I’ll be around for a few more months to see if what follows is as good as this first issue.

PVP #2 - A Review

Story Title: Lord of the Schwings!

Written by: Scott Kurtz
Penciled by: Scott Kurtz
Inked by: Scott Kurtz
Colored by: N/A
Lettered by: Scott Kurtz
Editor: Mark Walters
Publisher: Image Comics

*RING RING*

Matt: Hulk’s Deli. You order, we SMASH!

Daron: Matt?

Matt: Yeah.

Daron: It’s Daron. I need you to review PVP #2 this week.

Matt: What?! But I had a piece on Hawkman #15 ready to go!

Daron: Sorry, but we’re short on Indie reviews this week and you’re the only person with a free spot.

Matt: Have I not been suffering enough watching Green Arrow and Green Lantern go to heck in a handbasket this past month that I also have to read the least funny gamer comic ever?

Daron: Hey, after the lashing you gave the first issue in your column, I thought it would be funny to have you review the second. Besides, it could have gotten better. And I heard that they were just reprinting strips from the website for the first issue. It could be new material this time.

Matt: Well, I suppose I DO owe it to the fans to see if it got better.

Daron: Exactly. You’re doing the public a service. Heck, in a way you’re a hero! Going places sane men fear to tread and saving us time and money by telling us about what books aren’t worth the trees that died to make them!

Matt: Well, when you put it that way…

Daron: Besides, it could be worse. You could be reviewing Venom #1.

Matt: * winces * A Tsunami title? With a character I hate…

Daron: And Francisco Herrera artwork through the WHOLE thing…

Matt: * thinks * How soon do you need that PVP review?

Daron: Immediately. Now get to writing. I think we’re loosing the readers with this overdone “creators speaking” bit.

Matt: Hey, it worked for Stan Lee!

*CLICK*

*sounds of running to car, car starting*

ONE TRIP TO THE COMIC SHOP LATER…

Not too long ago I made a number of complaints about PVP the comic strip and its’ new book form (such as it is) as published by Image. With that in mind, let us go down the bullet list of my complaints and see what, if anything, has changed.

1. Is It A Comic Book?
While not as fragmented as Issue One and sticking to one storyline, I still cannot call PVP a comic book. It is a collection of comic strips adhering to one theme.

2. Is it new Material?
Reprints of comics you can get for free on the web. As I said before: This is a scam. You are being ripped off when you pay money for this book.

3. Is there gaming content?
Miraculously, yes. The entire book centers on Dungeons and Dragons.

4. Is Jade used as a gratuitous sex object?
Aside from the now standard Frank Cho cover with Jade helplessly thrown over the shoulder of barbarian Brent, Kurtz himself takes a stab at cheesecake artwork with a panel showing Jade in a Red Sonja chainmail bikini. This demonstrates two things: Kurtz whore-like ability to cater to the lowest common denominator among his male readers and why he has Frank Cho doing his covers.

5. Toilet Humor
Skull objects to the smelly troll stereotype and then breaks wind. Nuff said.

6. Insulting the Fans Who Support Him
Limited only to a comic where Brent insults the gaming humor comic industry and a jab at gamers who talk and dress in character.

Final Result
At least this issue was about something, but it is still poorly drawn and unfunny. The book title says it all: Lord of the Schwings. A forced in-joke with a reference to a long dead running gag. And much as I dig that early 90’s slang, daddy-o, it ain’t fly or fresh no mo’. Nobody says Schwing anymore.

Go read Nodwick #20 instead.