Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Greg Adams
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Cory Petit
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Somewhere, on a beach in Hawaii, intrepid comic book critic and international playboy “Starman” Matt Morrison, is spending some time with his latest love interest, when suddenly the call to action comes!
*RING RING*
“Starman” Matt Morrison: Yello?
Daron, The Dark Overlord: MINNION!
Starman: Oh. Hey.
Overlord: Don’t “oh hey” me, minion! You have been absent for TWO WEEKS!
Starman: I had the time off approved!
Girl: Honey, who is that? Is it Ben Affleck?
Starman: Umm… sure.
Girl: Oooh, can I talk to him? I have a friend who could really help him get over J-Lo.
Starman: Ummmm…. No. He’s really very private.
Overlord: Minion, who is that? Surely it is not the sick mother you went to visit?
Starman: Umm… no. That’s my… physical trainer. She’s helping me work out some of the stress of mom’s illness.. (covering mouthpiece of phone) Honey, could you go get some more of that scented oil and rub my feet? They’re starting to ache something awful
Girl: Well, okay… but only cause I’m such a big fan of your work, Mr. Smith. (walks off)
Overlord: Mr. Smith? What manner of madness is this?
Starman: She thinks I’m Hugo Weaving… or Kevin Smith, I forget which.
Overlord: Indeed. Why can you not just pay for your wenches like the rest of us?
Starman: Because I believe in a little thing called romance. I’m saving myself for the special girl who will…
Overlord: … let you touch her?
Starman: (sighs) What do you want? Besides the complete and total obliteration of all joy from my life?
Overlord: I want you to review the new X-Treme X-Men book.
Starman: … like I said, what ELSE do you want?
Overlord: It is not THAT bad…
Starman: Has everyone else refused to read it but me?! Is there not one person on the staff who can be persuaded to start reading the core X-Men books on a regular basis but me?!?! Has the bar for quality really sunk that low?
Overlord: Umm… yes, yes and HELL YES.
Starman: Fine! You want to know what happens?
Overlord: Tell me.
Starman: It’s the same old stuff. Claremont Plot #032. Someone gets kidnapped, brainwashed and turned against their friends. While that is going on, everybody else figures out that the person was captured. They spend the rest of the issue arguing over what to do, come to blows, someone cools things down and a reasonable plan is suggested and exposition gets thrown about like a poltergeist in a china shop. Replace “someone” with character name and watch money come in.
Overlord: Isn’t that just a bit cynical and unfair?
Starman: Well, I’ll give Claremont credit in that this is one of the all too few occasions where a guy, Bishop in this case, is the one who gets their clothes ripped off as they are captured and tortured. Although it seems like every issue I’ve read of this has had some kind of suggestive BDSM artwork and master/slave control subtext that just makes me feel all icky.
Overlord: What about the art?
Starman: I really don’t care for it. Kordey is competent, and this issue is not nearly as cheesecake-driven as the last issue I read of this. Still, the style is a lot more cartoonish than feels appropriate to the series. I’d prefer someone with a little darker style.
Overlord: And overall?
Starman: Not as bad as “Storm: The Arena”, but on the whole I’d rather be reading “Dark Reign” over in JSA and Hawkman.
Overlord: Indeed?
Starman: Yeah. Now can I get back to my therapy?
Overlord: For another week, yes.
Starman: Good! Geez, I’m glad that they’re ending the book in a few months and you’ll never be able to make me read X-Treme X-Men again.
Overlord: This is true. You’ll just have to review the new X-Calibur title instead…
Starman: (long pause) I loathe you with the intensity of a thousand white hot blazing suns, you do know that?
Showing posts with label X-Treme X-Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label X-Treme X-Men. Show all posts
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Friday, January 2, 2004
X-Treme X-Men #38 - A Review
Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Transparency Digital
Lettered by: Virtual Calligraphy
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
“Storm: The Arena”, as the buzz holds, was meant to be a Storm mini-series that got canceled at the last moment. Chris Claremont, being Chris Claremont, was able to get the story into the regular run of X-Treme X-Men and we are now being treated to one issue of this book a week, so that we may read the story without throwing off the regular flow of the book.
So what is “The Arena” about? To sum up simply; Chris Claremont is doing his own take on the superhero gladiatorial arena concept that was most recently done in the relaunch of the “New Thunderbolts” in issue #76 of that series. Sadly, I think that the New Thunderbolts was done much better than this… and I HATED the New Thunderbolts with the intensity of a thousand white hot blazing suns about to go supernova.
In the wake of having gotten the United States government to sponsor a new mutant-terrorism taskforce, Storm has to “do a favor” for some high-placed government hoo-hah and investigate reports of an underground club where mutant gladiatorial fights are taking place. Storm does this by calling up an old friend in Tokyo, dressing up in some fetish-ware that covers more than her usual costume and going clubbing. After one night of drinking, dancing and actually enjoying herself, the usually staid and self-control obsessed storm finds herself loosening up and then… losing control.
Which might mean something if this didn’t happen in every single story EVER about Storm trying to loosen up a little bit…
Faster than you can say “How Storm Got Her Groove Back”, Storm winds up jumping into something without thinking and beating the champ of the arena after entering a fight on a whim. Winner of the “Worst Codename Ever” contest, Strong Guy shows up and spells out the rules of the arena; win and you become rich and respected and taken care of… lose, and you become slave to the one who beat you. Still, this doesn’t strike Storm as a problem until she is challenged by the champion from another foreign arena.
In this case, the other champion is a physically altered Callisto, bearing a) more tentacles than your average Hentai b) a grudge against Storm for beating her once and c) a mutant power that makes her a master tactician. One butt-whipping later, Storm finds herself at the mercy of another former Morlock leader with a grudge; Masque. Not to be confused with Madame Masque, as I WAS confused until about the third time I reread this book. After running Storm through a variety of demonic forms for no readily apparent reason other than to “bring out your inner demons”, Masque puts Storm under the control of her underlings Pleasure (three guesses what her power is?) and Purge, who has the ability to inflict pain with a whip. Well, more pain than you would usually feel with a whip…
Storm is written with no apparent motivation other than driving the plot along. The same woman who was, for many years, the portrait of discipline… she who possessed enough independence to tell Charles Xavier that he is full of it and go on to form her own team is reduced to jumping into situations gung-ho and not thinking about the consequences of her actions further ahead than two minutes in the future. This is especially shocking and disappointing coming from the same man who did so much to shape Storm into one of the most positive female role-models in comics.
Kordey’s art isn’t much better, being far too posed and too full of gratuitous cheesecake shots. A no-reason shot of Storm’s Japanese gal-pal’s butt in a pair of short shorts and the BDSM-inspired costumes of Callisto, Pleasure and Purge come to mind immediately as examples of this. Kordey is also a poor visual storyteller, with basic things like the passage of time are not marked in either the art or the text. At one point, the shot of Storm being beaten by Pleasure surges into Storm preparing for another fight in the arena with no transition or note of it being “Later that night” or “The Next Day.” This is somewhat disorienting as the only note to the change is Storm’s costume.
Folks, you’d be harder pressed to find someone more disappointed and critical about the state of the X-Men franchise than myself… but even I can’t stand to see such great potential going to waste. While I won’t go as far as some of my colleagues in saying that Chris Claremont can’t write a good story anymore, I will say that he has written much better in the past and is capable of a helluvalot better than this! Hopefully the possibilities opened up by the new mutant police force will improve this book and the forthcoming Uncanny… but that may be wishful thinking.
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Transparency Digital
Lettered by: Virtual Calligraphy
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
“Storm: The Arena”, as the buzz holds, was meant to be a Storm mini-series that got canceled at the last moment. Chris Claremont, being Chris Claremont, was able to get the story into the regular run of X-Treme X-Men and we are now being treated to one issue of this book a week, so that we may read the story without throwing off the regular flow of the book.
So what is “The Arena” about? To sum up simply; Chris Claremont is doing his own take on the superhero gladiatorial arena concept that was most recently done in the relaunch of the “New Thunderbolts” in issue #76 of that series. Sadly, I think that the New Thunderbolts was done much better than this… and I HATED the New Thunderbolts with the intensity of a thousand white hot blazing suns about to go supernova.
In the wake of having gotten the United States government to sponsor a new mutant-terrorism taskforce, Storm has to “do a favor” for some high-placed government hoo-hah and investigate reports of an underground club where mutant gladiatorial fights are taking place. Storm does this by calling up an old friend in Tokyo, dressing up in some fetish-ware that covers more than her usual costume and going clubbing. After one night of drinking, dancing and actually enjoying herself, the usually staid and self-control obsessed storm finds herself loosening up and then… losing control.
Which might mean something if this didn’t happen in every single story EVER about Storm trying to loosen up a little bit…
Faster than you can say “How Storm Got Her Groove Back”, Storm winds up jumping into something without thinking and beating the champ of the arena after entering a fight on a whim. Winner of the “Worst Codename Ever” contest, Strong Guy shows up and spells out the rules of the arena; win and you become rich and respected and taken care of… lose, and you become slave to the one who beat you. Still, this doesn’t strike Storm as a problem until she is challenged by the champion from another foreign arena.
In this case, the other champion is a physically altered Callisto, bearing a) more tentacles than your average Hentai b) a grudge against Storm for beating her once and c) a mutant power that makes her a master tactician. One butt-whipping later, Storm finds herself at the mercy of another former Morlock leader with a grudge; Masque. Not to be confused with Madame Masque, as I WAS confused until about the third time I reread this book. After running Storm through a variety of demonic forms for no readily apparent reason other than to “bring out your inner demons”, Masque puts Storm under the control of her underlings Pleasure (three guesses what her power is?) and Purge, who has the ability to inflict pain with a whip. Well, more pain than you would usually feel with a whip…
Storm is written with no apparent motivation other than driving the plot along. The same woman who was, for many years, the portrait of discipline… she who possessed enough independence to tell Charles Xavier that he is full of it and go on to form her own team is reduced to jumping into situations gung-ho and not thinking about the consequences of her actions further ahead than two minutes in the future. This is especially shocking and disappointing coming from the same man who did so much to shape Storm into one of the most positive female role-models in comics.
Kordey’s art isn’t much better, being far too posed and too full of gratuitous cheesecake shots. A no-reason shot of Storm’s Japanese gal-pal’s butt in a pair of short shorts and the BDSM-inspired costumes of Callisto, Pleasure and Purge come to mind immediately as examples of this. Kordey is also a poor visual storyteller, with basic things like the passage of time are not marked in either the art or the text. At one point, the shot of Storm being beaten by Pleasure surges into Storm preparing for another fight in the arena with no transition or note of it being “Later that night” or “The Next Day.” This is somewhat disorienting as the only note to the change is Storm’s costume.
Folks, you’d be harder pressed to find someone more disappointed and critical about the state of the X-Men franchise than myself… but even I can’t stand to see such great potential going to waste. While I won’t go as far as some of my colleagues in saying that Chris Claremont can’t write a good story anymore, I will say that he has written much better in the past and is capable of a helluvalot better than this! Hopefully the possibilities opened up by the new mutant police force will improve this book and the forthcoming Uncanny… but that may be wishful thinking.
Monday, October 20, 2003
X-Treme X-Men #32 - A Review
Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Rus Wooton
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Somewhere in Texas, during mid-term week…
*RING RING*
Starman: (tired, but angry) WHAT?!
Daron: Minion, you dare to address your Overlord in such an impudent-
Starman: Oh, it’s you. Listen…this isn’t a great time…
Daron: I know. That is why I called. We have noticed a direct correlation between your enjoyment of a comic and our hits on the website.
Starman: And that is?
Daron: The more you insult a book and its creator, the more hits we get!
Starman: Uh-huh… big news flash.
Daron: Seriously! It is like your spewing of bile attracts readers.
Starman: You sure it isn’t because every time I read a bad comic, my mind rebels against it and creates sarcastic commentary as a defense mechanism in a worst case scenario and people find that amusing?
Daron: No, I’m sure people just like reading you rant about stuff you don’t like and throw insults at it. That is why, because I know you hate it so much, I am going to have you read the new New X-Men.
Starman: But I like New X-Men!
Daron: Ah, beg all you want to but- WHAT?!
Starman: I like new X-Men. Grant Morrison is one of my favorite writers.
Daron: … really?
Starman: Yeah. I think he’s been doing good stuff with the title. Really pushing the X-Men in new directions instead of repeating the SOS every month.
Daron: Blast! Very well… you shall review the new Uncanny X-Men!
Starman: But there’s not a new one this week…
Daron: Damnation! Then you shall read the new X-Treme X-Men.
Starman: Already done.
Daron: Yes, quail in- you did?!
Starman: Yeah. It wasn’t bad.
Daron: It wasn’t?!?!
Starman: Well, it wasn’t that great… but most of my problems with it came from the fact that the whole thing was kinda anti-climactic…
Daron: How do you mean?
Starman: Well, it’s like you walk in on the middle of a action movie without knowing what is going on. There isn’t any effort made to introduce you to what is going on. I mean, practically all the other Marvel Comics fill you in, if not through a one page summary than through a quick summary at the start.
Daron: Yes, but this is X-Men; and X-Fans are notorious for keeping up on their titles and not needing such summaries.
Starman: Yeah, but it’s a pain for those of us who are just getting into things and haven’t been keeping up on twenty-years of Claremont’s character history. And then there’s the big deal about the return of Rogue and Gambit…
Daron: What about it?
Starman: Well, nothing is happening with it! I mean, Gambit is getting some action trying to break into the Bush family ranch with Storm and finding out how Dubya is apparently planning to bring the Sentinels back on-line or do something else decidedly anti-mutant….doing the master thief/superspy thing… but all we see of Rogue is that she got a tattoo, is working as a mechanic and her trying to talk sense into an anti-mutant terrorist named Marie.
Daron: I thought Rogue’s real name was Marie?
Starman: So did I! But apparently she’s going by Anna now.
Daron: Wait a second….Anna? As in-
Starman: Yeah, I read the issue before and she has a “The Piano” poster in her apartment.
Daron: That’s a bit cheesy.
Starman: You think that’s bad, Storm disguises herself as Halle Berry.
Daron: So what’s with this other Marie?
Starman: Same old story… her family got hurt by mutants and yet another anti-mutant terrorist group recruited her. Only interesting part is that apparently some mutant group is trying to segregate themselves away from humans and prompted her going as far over the edge as she did… but its not really that interesting. I mean, they make such a big deal about bringing back one of the favorite couples of mutant-kind and they are barely a part of the story. And the coolest image in the whole book and it is barely examined, but we spend way too long looking at the rise of yet another anti-mutant terrorist group.
Daron: What scene is this?
Starman: Storm makes a tornado and tries to kill the President.
Daron: (writing this down in his journal of world domination ideas) Really? That is most… unheroic.
Starman: Yeah, but… it wasn’t really her. Or she was just trying to scare all the world leader’s straight on trying to kill mutants… or something- which is weird considering that Storm and Gambit are using the same unethical means being used by the mutants who threatened Marie and her family after the attack if that’s the case.
Daron: To the X-Treme, in other words… is the art any good?
Starman: Okay, I guess. A lot of Igor Kordey’s female characters have similar faces. It took me a second, even with the eyepatch and hair-streaks to tell Rogue and “Marie” apart, since I thought Marie WAS Rogue at the start of this issue. But the scene with the attack on Crawford is VERY well illustrated.
Daron: Very well. I think that will suffice for the review. Your words shall be recorded upon the honor roll.
Starman: You mean the website?
Daron: Indeed. Anything further to report?
Starman: Only that I got mail from some crank saying I should knock off the comedic reviews and just report the facts directly rather than subjecting the public to more bad satires and fictional conversations with the editorial staff.
Daron: And do you think this rather lackluster and humorless review has proven the point that you should stick to your comedic works?
Starman: Uh… Overlord, this WAS one of the funny ones. I wasn’t trying to be serious to prove a point this time…
Daron: (long silence) Why on earth are we paying you 0 million dollars, again?
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Rus Wooton
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Somewhere in Texas, during mid-term week…
*RING RING*
Starman: (tired, but angry) WHAT?!
Daron: Minion, you dare to address your Overlord in such an impudent-
Starman: Oh, it’s you. Listen…this isn’t a great time…
Daron: I know. That is why I called. We have noticed a direct correlation between your enjoyment of a comic and our hits on the website.
Starman: And that is?
Daron: The more you insult a book and its creator, the more hits we get!
Starman: Uh-huh… big news flash.
Daron: Seriously! It is like your spewing of bile attracts readers.
Starman: You sure it isn’t because every time I read a bad comic, my mind rebels against it and creates sarcastic commentary as a defense mechanism in a worst case scenario and people find that amusing?
Daron: No, I’m sure people just like reading you rant about stuff you don’t like and throw insults at it. That is why, because I know you hate it so much, I am going to have you read the new New X-Men.
Starman: But I like New X-Men!
Daron: Ah, beg all you want to but- WHAT?!
Starman: I like new X-Men. Grant Morrison is one of my favorite writers.
Daron: … really?
Starman: Yeah. I think he’s been doing good stuff with the title. Really pushing the X-Men in new directions instead of repeating the SOS every month.
Daron: Blast! Very well… you shall review the new Uncanny X-Men!
Starman: But there’s not a new one this week…
Daron: Damnation! Then you shall read the new X-Treme X-Men.
Starman: Already done.
Daron: Yes, quail in- you did?!
Starman: Yeah. It wasn’t bad.
Daron: It wasn’t?!?!
Starman: Well, it wasn’t that great… but most of my problems with it came from the fact that the whole thing was kinda anti-climactic…
Daron: How do you mean?
Starman: Well, it’s like you walk in on the middle of a action movie without knowing what is going on. There isn’t any effort made to introduce you to what is going on. I mean, practically all the other Marvel Comics fill you in, if not through a one page summary than through a quick summary at the start.
Daron: Yes, but this is X-Men; and X-Fans are notorious for keeping up on their titles and not needing such summaries.
Starman: Yeah, but it’s a pain for those of us who are just getting into things and haven’t been keeping up on twenty-years of Claremont’s character history. And then there’s the big deal about the return of Rogue and Gambit…
Daron: What about it?
Starman: Well, nothing is happening with it! I mean, Gambit is getting some action trying to break into the Bush family ranch with Storm and finding out how Dubya is apparently planning to bring the Sentinels back on-line or do something else decidedly anti-mutant….doing the master thief/superspy thing… but all we see of Rogue is that she got a tattoo, is working as a mechanic and her trying to talk sense into an anti-mutant terrorist named Marie.
Daron: I thought Rogue’s real name was Marie?
Starman: So did I! But apparently she’s going by Anna now.
Daron: Wait a second….Anna? As in-
Starman: Yeah, I read the issue before and she has a “The Piano” poster in her apartment.
Daron: That’s a bit cheesy.
Starman: You think that’s bad, Storm disguises herself as Halle Berry.
Daron: So what’s with this other Marie?
Starman: Same old story… her family got hurt by mutants and yet another anti-mutant terrorist group recruited her. Only interesting part is that apparently some mutant group is trying to segregate themselves away from humans and prompted her going as far over the edge as she did… but its not really that interesting. I mean, they make such a big deal about bringing back one of the favorite couples of mutant-kind and they are barely a part of the story. And the coolest image in the whole book and it is barely examined, but we spend way too long looking at the rise of yet another anti-mutant terrorist group.
Daron: What scene is this?
Starman: Storm makes a tornado and tries to kill the President.
Daron: (writing this down in his journal of world domination ideas) Really? That is most… unheroic.
Starman: Yeah, but… it wasn’t really her. Or she was just trying to scare all the world leader’s straight on trying to kill mutants… or something- which is weird considering that Storm and Gambit are using the same unethical means being used by the mutants who threatened Marie and her family after the attack if that’s the case.
Daron: To the X-Treme, in other words… is the art any good?
Starman: Okay, I guess. A lot of Igor Kordey’s female characters have similar faces. It took me a second, even with the eyepatch and hair-streaks to tell Rogue and “Marie” apart, since I thought Marie WAS Rogue at the start of this issue. But the scene with the attack on Crawford is VERY well illustrated.
Daron: Very well. I think that will suffice for the review. Your words shall be recorded upon the honor roll.
Starman: You mean the website?
Daron: Indeed. Anything further to report?
Starman: Only that I got mail from some crank saying I should knock off the comedic reviews and just report the facts directly rather than subjecting the public to more bad satires and fictional conversations with the editorial staff.
Daron: And do you think this rather lackluster and humorless review has proven the point that you should stick to your comedic works?
Starman: Uh… Overlord, this WAS one of the funny ones. I wasn’t trying to be serious to prove a point this time…
Daron: (long silence) Why on earth are we paying you 0 million dollars, again?
Monday, June 30, 2003
X-Treme X-Men #27 -A Review
Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Tom Orzechowski
Editor: Mike Raicht
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Somewhere in Texas, in a loft apartment several days after a series of drunken parties…
*RING RING*
Starman: (tiredly) Hello?
Daron: Greetings, Minion!
Starman: Huh? Oh yeah… it’s you.
Daron: It’s you? Fool, dare you speak to your Dark Overlord in such a-
Starman: Can it, Daron. It’s too early in the day and I am too hungover to deal with your Doctor Doom act today. God, those con parties are amazing. Two days later and I still feel like the inside of a porta-potty at Ozzfest.
Daron: (mock concern) Aww.. is da pwecious Starman not fee-wing well? Well, tough beefsteak, pal! You know, I WAS going to let you review the new Birds of Prey Secret Files… but since your spirit hasn’t been completely crushed yet, I see that I will have to be much harsher…
Starman: (sobriety suddenly coming along with panicked comprehension) Oh, gods! You don’t mean-
Daron: Yes! You.. YOU will review the new X-Treme X-Men issue!
Starman: B-B-B-.. but I don’t read X-Treme!
Daron: You told me you were trying to read more X-Men.
Starman: Yes, but I meant the GOOD X-Men books. The ones where things are actually happening! Not the one where Chris Claremont is rehashing the same old ideas and characters he’s been using for the last 20 years, but with less coherence!
Daron: Do you wish to review the new X-Men Unlimited next week as well Or perhaps Ultimate Adventures #4?
Starman: * sighs * No. No, I don’t Lord.
Daron: Good to see you remembered the title this time. Do not fail me, Admiral Morrison.
*CLICK*
(Several hours, one trip to the comic store and a sturdying drink of Jack Daniels later)
Right. X-Treme X-Men. Part Three of God Love, Man Kills II. Yes, I think the numbering system is a bit confusing myself. Apparently this is Chris Claremont writing a sequel to the story that allegedly was the basis for X2: X-Men United.
A lot of stuff happens in this issue, but damned if half of it means anything to me or makes much sense. Apparently Kitty Pryde has been kidnapped by Stryker, who is messing around with her head for some reason and making her hallucinate. Why? I haven’t a clue.
The rest of the team (in this case Wolverine, Cannonball, Sage and Bishop) have to fight a crazed Storm, whose powers went crazy after some incident involving Kitty’s phasing powers causing massive upheaval on the balance of nature when she phases herself and adamantium. Why this never happened before any of the times she had to save Wolverine by phasing them through something, I have no idea.
Maybe you have to have read “God Loves, Man Kills” to get this one but coming into part three of this story, I was lost. And unlike many Marvel comics today, this one has no helpful “previously on” page to explain what has happened so far.
The artwork by Igor Kordey is, for the most part, competently done. Aside from a few points towards the end, where it appears uncertain if Kitty is wearing white tights or fishnets, there is nothing that stands out as glaringly out of place. There is also, however, nothing that stands out as particularly excellent.
All in all, this book is the perfect example of why I don’t make a habit of reading X-Men; confusing plots mixed with nonsensical pseudoscience that flies in the face of what I do know of the book and an apparently required knowledge of over twenty years of backstory.
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Tom Orzechowski
Editor: Mike Raicht
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Somewhere in Texas, in a loft apartment several days after a series of drunken parties…
*RING RING*
Starman: (tiredly) Hello?
Daron: Greetings, Minion!
Starman: Huh? Oh yeah… it’s you.
Daron: It’s you? Fool, dare you speak to your Dark Overlord in such a-
Starman: Can it, Daron. It’s too early in the day and I am too hungover to deal with your Doctor Doom act today. God, those con parties are amazing. Two days later and I still feel like the inside of a porta-potty at Ozzfest.
Daron: (mock concern) Aww.. is da pwecious Starman not fee-wing well? Well, tough beefsteak, pal! You know, I WAS going to let you review the new Birds of Prey Secret Files… but since your spirit hasn’t been completely crushed yet, I see that I will have to be much harsher…
Starman: (sobriety suddenly coming along with panicked comprehension) Oh, gods! You don’t mean-
Daron: Yes! You.. YOU will review the new X-Treme X-Men issue!
Starman: B-B-B-.. but I don’t read X-Treme!
Daron: You told me you were trying to read more X-Men.
Starman: Yes, but I meant the GOOD X-Men books. The ones where things are actually happening! Not the one where Chris Claremont is rehashing the same old ideas and characters he’s been using for the last 20 years, but with less coherence!
Daron: Do you wish to review the new X-Men Unlimited next week as well Or perhaps Ultimate Adventures #4?
Starman: * sighs * No. No, I don’t Lord.
Daron: Good to see you remembered the title this time. Do not fail me, Admiral Morrison.
*CLICK*
(Several hours, one trip to the comic store and a sturdying drink of Jack Daniels later)
Right. X-Treme X-Men. Part Three of God Love, Man Kills II. Yes, I think the numbering system is a bit confusing myself. Apparently this is Chris Claremont writing a sequel to the story that allegedly was the basis for X2: X-Men United.
A lot of stuff happens in this issue, but damned if half of it means anything to me or makes much sense. Apparently Kitty Pryde has been kidnapped by Stryker, who is messing around with her head for some reason and making her hallucinate. Why? I haven’t a clue.
The rest of the team (in this case Wolverine, Cannonball, Sage and Bishop) have to fight a crazed Storm, whose powers went crazy after some incident involving Kitty’s phasing powers causing massive upheaval on the balance of nature when she phases herself and adamantium. Why this never happened before any of the times she had to save Wolverine by phasing them through something, I have no idea.
Maybe you have to have read “God Loves, Man Kills” to get this one but coming into part three of this story, I was lost. And unlike many Marvel comics today, this one has no helpful “previously on” page to explain what has happened so far.
The artwork by Igor Kordey is, for the most part, competently done. Aside from a few points towards the end, where it appears uncertain if Kitty is wearing white tights or fishnets, there is nothing that stands out as glaringly out of place. There is also, however, nothing that stands out as particularly excellent.
All in all, this book is the perfect example of why I don’t make a habit of reading X-Men; confusing plots mixed with nonsensical pseudoscience that flies in the face of what I do know of the book and an apparently required knowledge of over twenty years of backstory.
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